Then he saw feet.
Tiny feet with the toes painted red.
“How are you feeling, cowboy?” Lydia asked with a giggle.
“I feel like shit. My head is killing me.”
“Here.” She bent down to hand him two pills and another bottle of whiskey to wash them down. He paused for a moment and then threw them back with a large swig of whiskey.
The burn in his throat made him wince.
He knew he’d messed up. It was too late to call Carmine and talk it out. His sponsor would be so disappointed.
He kept the bottle and stayed there on the floor for a very, very long time.
Chapter 15
“How are you feeling today?” Roslyn asked Nichole when they met for lunch.
“You’re the pregnant one. I should be asking you that question.”
“I’m great. And I didn’t have my heart broken, so you get all the attention today.”
“Well, I cried myself into dehydration up at the cabin last weekend. This week I’ve made sure I’m too busy to notice the crying didn’t really help.” Nichole was grateful to her friends who checked in on her, but she knew talking wasn’t helping any more than the crying had.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s weird that I miss him because I haven’t seen him or talked to him in so long. I guess it mattered that he was still mine. Now he isn’t.”
“Cooper said he hasn’t talked to him since he dropped Tucker off at the airport last weekend.”
“I haven’t gotten any calls since Tuesday.” She was both relieved and sad when he stopped calling. Knowing she was all over the place emotionally made her angry instead. “He and Lydia are probably on their honeymoon,” she added bitterly.
“He told Cooper nothing happened between him and Lydia.”
“Yes. And my ex-fiancé told me he thought I was sexy, but I’m not a dude, so obviously that wasn’t true. Men lie.”
“Not all of them.”
“I assume you’re speaking of your husband? The man who told me I looked great with bangs. Guess what? A lie!”
Roslyn chuckled and then dropped the subject.
“You know, Lex mentioned setting you up with one of Ian’s friends. His name’s Dalton. Maybe you’d be interested. Except he travels a lot.” Nichole needed only to give Roslyn a look before she backtracked. “Right. Well, the right guy will come along.”
“Sure. Any day now. Let’s see, I’ve had someone who didn’t like women and someone who liked them too much. If I were Goldilocks, it would be time for the bears to come home and eat me.”
“I don’t think that’s how the story goes exactly.”
“It does in my world.”
“It will get better,” Roz promised. “I’ve been where you are. I’ve felt this bad. Trust me; anything could happen.”
Nichole didn’t know how much more she could take.
Over the next couple of weeks, she focused on work. But when she was alone at night, she would pull up stories about Tucker on gossip sites. It was like picking at a scab. She knew she’d never heal this way, but she just couldn’t help herself.
The story broke on a Thursday.
“It’s official! Tucker Matthews and Lydia St. James are together,” the headline read. There was of course a photo, too. Tucker had his arm hanging around her shoulder as they walked toward his tour bus. He was wearing sunglasses and had his hood pulled up over his messy hair.
“God. He looks awful,” she said to no one as she blew up the photo so she could see it better. She was aware of how pathetic that was, but again, she couldn’t help herself.
He wasn’t smiling, he just looked . . . empty.
Without thinking, she picked up her phone and called Cooper.
“I’m sending you a photo. What do you think?” she asked.
“I think I’m getting ready to sit down to dinner with my wife.”
“Sorry. Can you please look? I’m worried about Tucker.”
With a big sigh, she heard him kiss Roslyn and tell her he’d be back in a minute. Then she heard the sound of him walking.
A few seconds later, she heard another sigh.
“He looks bad, doesn’t he? And not just because he’s hanging on that witch,” Nichole said, rubbing her forehead.
“It kind of looks like he’s hanging on her literally. Like he’d fall down if she didn’t hold him up.”
“You don’t think . . . ?” She couldn’t say it out loud.
“I don’t know. He hasn’t called me. We had a fight. I told him what I thought. I didn’t hold anything back this time. He’s not your responsibility anymore. He’s not mine either. He needs to learn to take care of himself.”
While Nichole had been a huge proponent of tough love for Tucker in the past, she found herself on the opposite side from Cooper in this situation.
“I’m worried about him, Coop.”
There was another long sigh, and she knew he would help.
“Fine. I’ll give Mitch a call, just to check in. But I’m not getting sucked into his mess again. Roz and I are having a baby. I have my own family to worry about. I’ve given him so many chances.”
“I know. I really appreciate this.”
“I’m doing this for you,” he confirmed.
“So noted.”
“I might not hear back until tomorrow.”
“Okay. I’ll be patient.”
“Really? When did you learn how to do that?”
“I didn’t. I’m just planning to pace at home and not tell you.”
“Right.”
Fortunately, Cooper called back that night at eleven.
“You were right. He’s not doing well,” he said.
“This is all my fault.”
“No, it isn’t. Though I do think we might have assumed the worst about him being with Lydia.”
“What do you mean?”
“I talked with Mitch, and he’s convinced nothing happened between them. He said he called you and left a message explaining everything.”
“I deleted all his messages without listening to them. I figured they were just excuses or lies.” Looking back, that might have been a bit stupid and juvenile, but that was where she’d been at the time.
“I really think we made a mistake about this.”
“What about now?”
“Mitch is saying there’s no way they’re together. I don’t think he’s covering for Tucker. He seems concerned.”
“This is all my fault,” she repeated, the words even more true in light of this information.
“You didn’t put the bottle in his hands, Nic. You can’t blame yourself for how he reacted. And neither of us would have jumped to this conclusion if he hadn’t done things like this in the past.”
“I have to go to him. I have to help.”
“They got into New York tonight. He’ll most likely stay at his loft.”
“I have to go.”
“I tried calling him, but he didn’t answer. So tell him I need to talk to him when you see him.”
“Okay.”
“Have a safe trip.”
She was already rushing to her room to start packing as she ended the call. Her mind was creating checklists as she threw things in her bag.
The earliest flight she could get was out of Richmond at five the next morning. She would drive the three hours tonight to make sure she was there on time.
She called Tucker when she finished packing.
“It’s me. I’m heading up there to see you. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you before I broke it off. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt. I should have trusted you, like I promised I would. I’m sorry. We’ll get everything worked out when I get there. I love you, Tucker. I’ll see you soon. Call me when you get this. If you get this.” She realized he could have a new number by now.
The entire trip was a blur. Her only thoughts were of Tucker and how she needed to get to him as soon as possible so she could help.
She got to his building at ten the next morning. She held the button for the buzzer, hoping she could wake him up.
“Come on,” she said to herself as she pressed it a third time.
She was interrupted by her phone.
“Tucker?” she said, seeing his name on the screen.
“No, sorry. It’s Mitch. Are you in New York?” he asked.
“Yes. I’m at his apartment, but he’s not answering.”
“You need to come to Bellevue.”
Her blood turned to ice when she registered the name of the hospital.
“What happened?”
“He overdosed early this morning. I’ll know more by the time you get here.”
“Oh, God.” She walked right out onto the street and hailed a cab. “I’m on my way.”
Mitch was waiting when she got there.
“He’s stable. We think Lydia gave him prescription painkillers.”
“Damn her.” Nichole wished Lydia was there so she could funnel all her anger and worry into pummeling the stupid girl who had not only tried to take Tucker away from her but could have killed him, too. Guilt soon flooded in, and she knew it wasn’t all on Lydia. “I’m sorry. This wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t just bailed on him like I did.”
She wasn’t sure why she felt the need to confess to Mitch, but he was there and she needed to get it out.
“I’m the one who messed this up,” he said with a shake of his head. “I thought you knew the story, but then he told me he hadn’t told you, and you assumed . . . Look, for what it’s worth, you have it wrong. Yes, I walked in and found Lydia naked in his bed and Tucker was only wearing a towel. But he was telling her to get out when I got there. He asked me to try to keep her away from him because he knew she was trouble.
“I was sure he was telling the truth about not sleeping with her when he wanted to call you to tell you what happened right away. He was worried you would find out and think the wrong thing. And then that’s exactly what happened.”
“Are they together now?” She needed to know so she didn’t get her hopes up.
“No. They’ve been hanging out, but he’s passed out most of the time when he’s not on stage. I don’t think it’s even possible for anything to happen between them like that.”
“How can you know that?” she asked.
“Because his guys say she’s been complaining he’s too stoned to get it up.”
“Okay,” she whispered, rubbing her forehead. She knew how it sounded. She knew she wasn’t the only person who would have jumped to the conclusion they were sleeping together. But for some reason, Mitch’s words made sense. She found herself wanting to believe in Tucker. She needed to.
After a short elevator ride, they walked down a hall and were stopped by a nurse.
“Sorry. No visitors.”
“She’s Mr. Matthews’s personal physician. She needs to speak to his doctor,” Mitch said smoothly.
The nurse nodded, looking at Nichole’s jeans and T-shirt.
“One moment. Wait here.”
“He’s been sleeping,” Mitch told her, probably noticing she wasn’t going to be able to wait much longer.
A tall, thin man with glasses walked toward them with a smile.
“I’m Dr. Tobias; I’m treating Mr. Matthews.”
“I’m Dr. Atherton. Can you catch me up on his case?”
He pulled out a tablet and touched the screen a few times.
“He was brought in by ambulance at five twenty-three. He was unconscious and his breathing was shallow and irregular. Oxygen was administered in the field and continued on arrival. He presented with pinpoint pupils, so we started him on Narcan.”
“Has he woken up?”
“Yes, he regained consciousness and was able to answer questions.”
“No signs of anoxia?” she asked, hoping he didn’t have brain damage from the lack of oxygen.
“No.”
She took a deep breath. He was going to be fine.
“Can I see him?”
“Of course. Let me know if you need anything.” He gestured toward Tucker’s room. Mitch gave her a nod and pointed at his feet to say he would be outside in the hall if she needed him. “We’ve ruled it accidental, given the amount in his system wasn’t life-threatening, but we’re suggesting rehabilitation and therapy.”
“Yes. Thank you.” She felt the doctor leave as she stared at the man sleeping in the bed. He was so pale, with dark circles under his eyes. His hair was shaggy, and she brushed it to the side of his forehead with her fingertips before she sat next to him in the chair.
Tears welled up in her eyes.
She didn’t see the glamorous rock star. Instead she saw a broken man. Her heart seized, wanting to help put him back together.
She still loved him; her pain and anger hadn’t changed that.
She reached over and took his hand. She knew she would do anything he needed. She owed him that much. She owed it to herself. She kissed the back of his hand.
Slowly, he turned his head toward her. His puffy eyes opened and his gaze met hers.
“Nic?” he said, his voice painfully hoarse.
“Yeah. I’m right here.”
“Shit.” He closed his eyes and started shaking his head slowly. “No.” He pulled his hand away. “Go away,” he said.
“What?” She didn’t understand.
“Mitch!” His voice had more force behind it now.
Mitch came into the room, looking as confused as Nichole felt.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I don’t want her here! Why did you let her in here?” Tucker shouted.
“You were saying her name over and over. I thought you wanted her,” Mitch replied.
“No! I don’t! Get rid of her.” Tucker closed his eyes and turned his head away, dismissing them completely.
Mitch gave her a sympathetic look, but she didn’t even give him a chance to speak.
“Mitch, can you give us a minute alone, please?”
For a second, he looked like he might protest.
“Just one minute, okay?”
Mitch nodded and backed out of the room.
Hearing his agent leave, Tucker turned back to see she was still there.
“Christ, Nic. I don’t want you here! Please just go.”
“No. I’m not going anywhere.” Her words were shaky, but she was determined to stay.
He squeezed his eyes closed and shook his head again, as if in pain.
“I don’t want you to see me like this.” His voice was full of hurt and shame. Her heart broke a little more.
Without thinking, she slid into the bed next to him. Winding her arm around his shoulders, she pulled him against her, his head resting on her chest.
“Well, I love you no matter what. So I’m not leaving you.”
His body began shaking with violent sobs as he gave in, clinging to her.
“I’m so sorry, Nic. I fucked everything up.”
“I did my part, too. We’ll just have to fix it.”
She pulled him a little closer and kissed his forehead.
“I don’t know if I’m fixable,” he whispered.
“It’s never too late for a second chance,” she said as she smoothed his hair back.
“I don’t deserve it.”
“I think you do.”
His fingers gripped her shirt fiercely as he cried.
“Please don’t leave me. I’m so sorry,” he said.
The contrast in his words now from when he’d first realized she was there made her aware of just how unstable he was at the moment. He was vulnerable and scared, and that might be why he was clinging to her now.
She would have to see where they stood when he was in a better place.
After convincing Cooper to stay in Roanoke, she ended the call and continued doing laps in the hall.
Tucker was released a few hours later.
He didn’t protest when she suggested he come home wi
th her to Roanoke. They stopped at his loft so he could shower and pack. He held her hand and slept most of the flight.
Once they were home, an awkwardness seemed to settle over them. Where was he going to sleep? With her? On the sofa? Did she have any narcotics in the house? She’d been given Percocet for a root canal. Was it still in the medicine cabinet?
“Are you hungry?” she asked. He hadn’t eaten all day.
“Maybe a little.”
“Soup?” she suggested.
“Yeah. That would be great.”
“Maybe you could call your brother while I’m heating it up. I know he’s worried.”
Tucker nodded and left the room with her phone.
She could hear a mumbled conversation down the hall as she got the soup ready.
When he came back, his eyes were red and wet again.
Nichole went to him and held him close.
“Did he yell at you? I’ll kick his ass,” she threatened.
Tucker shook his head.
“No. He apologized to me.” Of course that would be harder for Tucker to accept than yelling. He always felt like he was a problem for Cooper. To know his brother actually cared had stirred up emotions.
“Tucker, I’m sorry, too. So sorry. It’s just it looked—”
“I know how it looked. I don’t blame you. I tried like anything not to be put in that position, but then I did something stupid. I was so happy after you and I talked on the phone that night. I felt like I could handle it. It was like I was testing myself. Other than falling asleep with my water bottle, I passed the test that night. I didn’t know she’d taken pictures that would ruin my life. I swear to you, I was never with her. Never. The last woman I was with was you, Nic.”
She kissed him softly and then hugged him again.
“I believe you. We’re going to be fine.” She pulled away and smiled while wiping away tears. “Now eat your soup.”
He slept next to her that night and she loved the warmth of him. Even though he was up numerous times throughout the night. He was hot and then cold.
She recognized the symptoms of DTs.
“I think I’m going to go for a walk,” he said without meeting her eyes.
“No.” She shook her head.
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