by Marie Ahls
Once we were settled in the truck, I said, “Okay, quick list. Go.”
I drove to the closest grocery store while Jack rattled off fixings for dinner, adding bottles, diapers, wipes, and formula at the end. It was hard not to be impressed by how easily he’d worked Briana into our routine, into the daily habits of life.
It all made me wonder again when he was going to find someone to have a family with and leave me all alone. “Okay. I’ll tackle dinner, you hit the baby aisle. I’d say we have about ten minutes tops before Benedetto starts bitching and moaning about having to watch a baby with a shit-filled diaper.”
He laughed and nodded. “Meet back at the front in five, then.”
The mad scramble to pick up groceries was almost enough to distract me from everything going on.
Almost.
When I caught sight of Jack near the registers though, holding a basket full of baby stuff, with a grin that lit up his face as soon as he saw me, the ache returned with full force.
“We ready?” I gestured to the cashier and started unloading my basket of stuff, not waiting for an answer. We’d done this enough that I knew he was right behind me, unloading his basket of stuff as well.
“Oh, you’re buying diapers? I didn’t realize you were a mom!” The cashier, an older woman and chronic gossip by the name of Marlene, grinned at me. “Is he the father?” She looked Jack up and down appreciatively. “You go, girl.”
He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me in close, waggling his eyebrows at Marlene. “I wish. Parker here is way too good for me. Years, I’ve been trying to date her, and she has solidly friend-zoned me. What’s a guy got to do to get your attention, Parker?” He batted his eyelashes at me. “Do you want me to beg?”
His distraction was perfect. Marlene giggled and kept scanning, no longer commenting on anything on the conveyor belt. But I could’ve done without her derisive sneers at me.
I also didn’t need the knots forming in my stomach. Was he telling the truth? Had I friend-zoned him? Or were we just friends?
Once we had the truck loaded up and we were back on the road, I dared a glance at his profile. Jack looked like the same guy I’d been living with for almost two years. The same chiseled jaw, the same dark, wavy hair. The same easy-going smirk and sculpted abs.
“You’re staring, Steele.”
“No, I’m not.” I stuck my tongue out at him. “How much of what you said to Marlene is true?”
“What?” He pulled to a stop and then threw the truck in reverse to back into the station.
“Have I friend-zoned you?”
“Come on, Parker. You know the answer to that.” He parked the truck and hopped out, grabbing all the bags from the back seat.
“No, I don’t. I thought we were friends. But you came up with that story pretty damn quick.”
“I flirt with you all the time. I was flirting with you this morning.”
“You flirt with everyone.”
He shook his head. “I’ve never pressed Benedetto up against the fire engine, have I? I’ve never been so close to kissing any of the other guys on the team, like I was with you this morning.” He stared at me, his eyes full of something unreadable. Something that almost looked like regret. “Just forget it, Parker. I get it, we’re friends. We’ve been friends since training. I said what I said to get Marlene off your back. That’s all. I couldn’t very well have you crying all over the grocery store.”
He brushed past me, into the station.
I should’ve followed right behind, but I felt frozen to the spot.
Was he saying what I thought he was? Sure, he flirted with me, but I’d seen him flirt with hundreds of girls, seen him take more than a few home with him. I’d even been stuck serving a few of them coffee the next morning.
We were friends.
Weren’t we?
Shaking off the thoughts crowding my brain, I headed inside.
And almost ran right into Benedetto.
“You gotta take her, dude. I can’t.” He practically dropped Briana into my arms, and as he ran off, he shook his arms out like he’d just gotten rid of the grossest thing he could’ve possibly imagined.
I had to admit, she smelled pretty ripe, and she hadn’t stopped fussing from the moment he handed her over.
But all holding her did was put me face to face with the thing I’d been avoiding all day.
“Come on, little one, let’s get you cleaned up.” I hoisted her up so that she was curled into my shoulder as I walked through the station, looking for where Jack had run off to with all her supplies. She needed a clean diaper, and then probably a bottle so that she could go back to sleeping peacefully.
“Bishop! Where’d you go?”
He popped his head out of the kitchen, still holding one of the grocery bags. “I’m unloading. What?”
I gestured to the baby with my free hand. “Supplies?”
He handed over her bags and I headed for the bunks, trying not to think too hard about what I was about to do. She needed someone to take care of her until social services arrived. That was it. I couldn’t get attached. I wouldn’t.
By the time I had her cleaned up and re-swaddled, I knew I was just lying to myself. I was already attached, from the moment she showed up.
“Want me to take her?” Jack stood in the doorway, holding a bottle.
“I got it.” I smiled softly at him. “Thank you, though.”
He walked over and handed me the formula-filled bottle, brushing his fingers over her scalp briefly. “The captain says the social worker should be here in about an hour.”
Just after our shift ended.
I nodded. “I’ll stick around until they get here.” I wanted to make sure Briana was in good hands.
Jack wrapped an arm around me as I got Briana latched onto her bottle. “Me too.”
“Well, we carpooled, so you kind of have to.” I smirked. “But I’m glad you’ll be here.” I looked over at him, but I didn’t know what else to say. I still wasn’t sure if he was serious about wanting more than friendship, and it wasn’t something I wanted to get into at the station.
“You look good with her. You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah. I think maybe I was worried for no reason.” I leaned on his shoulder and smiled. She was eating well, and already her eyes were drooping closed again. It felt so natural, so easy, doing this with Jack here. “You ever going to have one of these?”
“I don’t know. I’d have to convince the right woman she wants me in her life first.” He scooped Briana out of my arms as she emptied the bottle, and then held her up to burp her. “But this one’s pretty cute. What do you say, Steele? Wanna keep her?”
And there were those knots in my stomach again. Why did he have the ability to make me want to puke and jump his bones, all at the same time? Why did I feel like he was actually considering it?
“Relax, Parker. I’m just trying to get your smile back. You’ve been on way too wild an emotional roller coaster already today. I didn’t mean to make your brain short-circuit.” He kissed the top of my head and squeezed my shoulder with his free hand before getting up, Briana still in his arms. “Dinner’s about ready. You coming?”
“Be there in a minute.” I smiled and watched him until he was out of sight, and then flopped backwards onto my bunk.
Now that the idea was in my head, the image of raising that little girl as our own, as a couple, not just as friends, I had no idea how I was going to delete it.
Did Jack really want that with me? Would he ever be content to just raise kids someone else conceived? Could I?
But at the same time, the idea was perfect. Everything I’d never told him I wanted.
If he didn’t mean it, how could I live with him after all this?
Chapter Three
By the time the social worker came to get Briana, neither of us wanted to let her go.
We’d spent the last hour passing her back and forth, holding her, rocking her, keeping
her content.
And I was completely, totally in love.
Jack loaded her into the social worker’s car while I explained how Briana had come to be at the station.
I tried to keep it as clinical as I could; I couldn’t afford to fall apart now, even though I knew I would as soon as I got home. I did what I had to, what I was trained to do.
As they drove off, Jack wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “Come on. We’ve got a new bottle of whiskey at home. I think we could both use a drink.”
I let him drive us home while I stared out the window the whole time, fighting tears.
Jack parked in the garage and reached for my hand after he shut off the engine. “Parker, are you okay?”
“Let’s just go inside. Get drunk and pass out for the next two days.” I pulled away from him and trudged through the house to collapse on the couch.
Jack grabbed the whiskey and a couple glasses before he joined me in the living room.
But instead of sitting on the far end of the couch like he usually did, he sat right next to me and scooped me off the couch and into his lap.
His strong arms wrapped around me, holding me to his chest.
I could feel emotions bubbling up, threatening to break free and ruin his second shirt of the day with my snot, but before a single tear fell, his hand cradled the back of my head and his lips crushed against mine.
The kiss was hungry, needy, but there was something more there too. It felt like years’ worth of emotion and desire, all poured out into this one moment. Nothing inside of me hesitated. I kissed him back with everything I had. And just like that my body was in the game, responding to every touch and caress of his mouth and tongue.
By the time Jack pulled away, my head was fuzzier than any night of hitting tequila shots too hard. I couldn’t think of anything but Jack and the way his tongue felt in my mouth. “What the hell was that?”
He licked his lips and smirked at me. “I took a shot.”
I chewed on my lower lip as my heart threatened to beat out of my chest. “You really like me?”
“Parker, I have been into you since day one. But you never looked at me like anything more than a friend. So, I kept my distance.” His hand slid down to my ass and I couldn’t help but think we were far beyond friends now.
“Even though I’m broken?”
“You’re not broken. You’ve been through some shit. You faced something most teenagers wouldn’t ever dream of dealing with. But you’re not broken.”
With the way he was looking at me, I really believed him.
“Why didn’t you ever say something?”
He shook his head and his arms tightened around me. “We could debate all night whether anything was said, or anything was ever shown. Or I could take you into my bedroom right now and make you forget there was ever a time when we weren’t together.”
I bit my lip as he stood with me cradled in his arms, not waiting for my answer. Any protests I could think of evaporated. I didn’t want to fight him or myself anymore. He was everything I wanted, and he knew the truth. He knew I couldn’t give him a baby, at least not traditionally. For once, I did exactly what I wanted to do.
Jack kicked his door open and carried me inside. I’d been in Jack’s bedroom plenty. We watched movies, hung out, I’d even fallen asleep next to him a few times.
But this was different. This wasn’t about a couple of friends passing out in the same bed after a long shift at the firehouse or snuggling together to watch scary movies. There was only one reason for me to be in his room tonight, and it would change our relationship forever.
“You’re sure about this?” Jack laid me down on the bed, his huge body covering mine so all I could see was him. His warm, whiskey colored eyes were so much more intoxicating than the drink and the cocky smirk on his face made me want to kiss him all that much more.
“Are you sure? We do this, I don’t think I can go back to just being your friend.” I still couldn’t figure out how I’d never realized he wanted me as much as I wanted him, but with the way he was touching me, the way he’d kissed me, and the way he was staring at me now, not nearly enough blood was flowing to my brain to analyze our past when our future felt so tangible.
“Parker, I could never regret this, and I don’t want to be just your friend. I’ve never wanted to be just your friend.” His lips crushed against mine again, and then his tongue slicked against my lower lip, demanding entrance into my mouth.
That kiss was all it took.
Clothes went flying.
I was lost in Jack. In everything I hadn’t let myself believe I could feel with him. He made me feel things I’d never felt with anyone else, and as we came together again and again, I knew I didn’t want to ever let him go.
***
After what felt like more orgasms than I’d ever had, Jack rolled onto his side, facing me, so that we were almost nose to nose.
“Parker, that was…” He grinned, brushing my sweaty hair back from my face before cupping my cheek. “I don’t even know. I don’t think they’ve invented a word incredible enough yet for what we just did.” He traced my cheekbone with his thumb, staring at me like I was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.
Even if it was just the sex talking, with the way he was looking at me, I felt like I could be. Like this could be more than a fling caused because we were both feeling emotional.
“Say you’ll stay in my bed. That this doesn’t have to just be a one-time thing.”
“Jack, how would we even make it work? We work together. We live together.” I leaned forward and kissed him softly. “It was amazing. And I don’t want it to end, but I have to be practical. I saw you with Briana today. You want that. You want a family. And I can’t give that to you.”
“Don’t tell me what I want, Steele, if you’re not going to even hear what I’m saying.” He shook his head. “You’re who I want. So, you can’t have babies. Big deal. We’ll adopt. Hell, I’ll go out right now, figure out the paperwork.” He leaned forward, pressing his forehead to mine. “I was serious earlier. We could keep Briana. I talked with the social worker before she left.”
“You did what?” My heart was racing again, but for a much bigger reason than climax.
“I wanted to make sure she would be taken care of. She’s going to draw up paperwork for me to foster Briana. But I can call her in the morning, ask her to add your name. And we can ask about adopting.” He propped himself up on one elbow, so that he was now almost looming over me. “I don’t care if I have a baby the old-fashioned way, or I adopt, or foster. You’re right that I want kids. And I want them with you. Because I know that no matter how they come to join our lives, you’re going to be an incredible mother, Parker. And any kid would be lucky to have you.”
This was all way too fucking fast. I barely got it through my head that Jack and I could be a thing, and now he wanted to adopt a baby?
I got up, pulling the top sheet with me. We were too naked, too exposed for this conversation.
“Parker, please, come back to bed. Come sleep with me. We don’t have to talk about this anymore tonight. I’ll put on a horror movie, make some popcorn, and we can just forget about it. We had a long twenty-four hours at the station, and I’m probably just not thinking clearly.” He held out his arms but didn’t make any other movements. He was letting me come to him.
Sighing, I crawled back onto the bed with him. “No popcorn. Just stay here, hold me. I don’t know why I let you talk me into scary movies.”
As he pulled me against his chest and tucked me right under his chin like this was exactly where I was meant to be, I snuggled close, breathing in his scent, and the scent of us mixed together. Jack turned on a movie, something with blood and guts in the first scene, but I couldn’t focus on the teenagers getting murdered.
Mind-blowing sex with my hot roommate was one thing. But suggesting we could adopt a baby? That was just too much to process.
On the one hand, Jack was clea
rly meant to be a father. Seeing him with Briana, so relaxed, so comfortable with her in his arms, proved what I’d always known. It would be so easy to want to bring her into our lives, more permanently.
But going from roommates to lovers, to potential parents, in less than twelve hours was insane.
“I can hear you thinking, Parker. If you’re not careful, smoke’s going to start coming out of your ears, from all the overthinking.” Jack’s voice was soft, a low rumble, but full of teasing and humor. “Do you want to talk it out?”
I shook my head. How could I verbalize everything that was going on in my head?
If I said it out loud, it would make it real.
He sighed. “I shouldn’t have said anything. Now you’re all in your head, instead of here with me. You’re supposed to be jumpy and crawling into my arms and burying your face into my chest when the killer’s on screen. Scary movies aren’t any fun if you’re not paying attention.”
I rolled my eyes and looked up at him. “It is all your fault. But I can go into my room, leave you with your scary movie all alone, if my thinking is too loud for you.”
He reached over and shut off the movie before he shifted so that we were closer to eye to eye again. “Look, Parker, I know I just threw a curveball at you. And I know that it probably seems like I haven’t thought it all through. But I promise, I have. If you’re even remotely considering the possibility of a family with me, talk to me. Ask your questions, share your fears. Let me inside that head of yours.”
I frowned. He made it sound so easy. But I didn’t even know where to begin. “Why now?” It seemed like the easiest place to start. Or maybe it was just the thing that was weighing on me the heaviest. We’d been friends for years. Living together for most of that time. And not once had he ever made a serious move. Had he?
“I guess, it felt like you really opened up to me today. I got to see a side of you that I bet you don’t show anyone.” He leaned down and brushed his lips against mine. “It made me think that you might actually be ready for something more than just friends.”