“It’s for us. So we can have the kind of life we want,” he says. “Or at least the life I thought we wanted, but apparently you’ve changed your mind now.”
Urgh. Why did I ever say I would go Megxit? Stupid, Arabella. Stupid. “It’s not like I’ve planned out every detail of our lives or something. I just don’t want to give up the work I’m doing. I have a lot of responsibilities. It’s not so simple to walk away from it all.”
Will sighs. “I’m not saying you have to, but the work you’re doing—no matter how important it is, doesn’t come with a salary. Mine does.”
Of all the pigheaded, shit things to say. “Why does this have to be so bloody complicated? We don’t ever need to worry about money. Shouldn’t that be a good thing?”
“You can’t seriously think I’m going to live off you for the rest of my life!” he says, raising his voice. “I can’t do that. Not if I’m going to have an ounce of pride left.”
“I’m asking you to give up the illusion that money will somehow make you worthy of me, when the truth is, you already are.”
He shakes his head. “Money is only an illusion to people who’ve never had to worry about it. For the rest of us, it’s really fucking real.”
His words cause my stomach to turn to stone. “So, we have to be like everybody else? Worrying about other people’s opinions about our relationship and wasting our time building our own fortune when we already have one just sitting waiting?” I take two steps toward him and put my hand on his arm. “Can’t we be different?”
“No,” he says. “We can’t. I’d never be able to look at myself in the mirror if I was sponging off your family.”
I slide my hand down to my side, and in that moment, I know the truth that I’ve been avoiding for weeks. And it’s all suddenly and horribly obvious. This isn’t going to work. “So I guess you’ve got your mind made up then. There’s no room for negotiations on this one.”
“I’m sorry, but I refuse to be a leech. If you can’t understand that, I don’t know where we go from here.”
“I do.”
“Yeah? Where?” he asks in a nasty tone.
“We have to end it.”
“Are you serious?”
Tears of frustration fill my eyes. “I am. You’re treating me exactly like my family does—like a child.”
“Just because I want to earn my own money?” He lets out an angry laugh. “This is insane, you know that, right?”
“It’s not just that,” I say, feeling suddenly very sober. “First you tried to hide the truth about the recordings, then you signed me up to film another series without asking me, and now you’re refusing to even consider building this life together on terms that are acceptable to both of us.” My voice cracks but I continue on, forcing myself to pull it together. “You pretend you believe I’m so strong, but deep down, you see me as weak. As someone who needs to be shielded from bad things, someone who can’t handle knowing what’s really going on in my own life.”
My heart pounds in my chest as I realize what I have to do. “This isn’t going to work,” I say finally, and I can literally feel my heart breaking when the words come out.
“Come on,” he says. “This is just a fight, but it’s nothing we can’t solve.”
I shake my head. “No, we can’t. I love you, Will. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, but we don’t want the same things. I want someone who shares everything with me and respects me utterly and completely. You want someone who wants to let you make all her decisions and who wants to be sheltered from reality. I’m sure she’s out there somewhere, but she certainly isn’t me.”
“Don’t say that,” he says, walking toward me and putting his hands on my upper arms. “We’ve been through worse things. We’ll get through this.”
“I’m afraid we won’t. The truth is, when we were in the jungle, the only reason we got through that as a team was because you had a broken leg. Otherwise, you would’ve taken the lead the entire time, and you would’ve loved having me following you.”
“What are you talking about?” he says, wrinkling up his nose. “That’s not how it happened. You rescued me out there—you did what you had to do to save my life. And I just did what I had to do to save your family. That’s what people do when they love each other.”
“They also work as a team. They don’t keep secrets. They trust each other to be capable enough to handle things so they can take on life together.”
“We can do that,” he says, rubbing my arms.
Tears slide down my cheeks but I leave them there. “I don’t think we can. You’re never going to see me as an equal partner, which means I’m not the right one for you.”
“No, that is not true, I promise you,” he says, crouching slightly so we’re eye-to-eye. “Remember the conversation we had on the plane coming back from the Caribbean? We knew this was going to be hard. We knew we’d be tested to our limits with the media and your family and whatever tricks Dylan had up her sleeve. And we promised each other not to give in or let them ruin what we had.”
“This has nothing to do with the show.”
“Are you kidding?” he asks, straightening up. “It has everything to do with the show. Don’t let them win. Come on, I’m never happier than when I’m with you and I know you feel the same way. We have some things to sort out, for sure. But we’ll manage. We just have to survive the next few weeks, then we can get back to where we were.”
He pulls me in for a hug, and I inhale the scent of his skin, my heart squeezing at the thought that I’ll never be in these arms again. “What we have only works when we’re alone in the jungle or on a yacht in the middle of the sea, which isn’t how life is. Real life is filled with obligations and responsibilities and compromise…and…we’re just too different, Will.”
He pulls away, letting his hands drop and stares at me, his face filled with pain. “So that’s it then?”
I nod. “I’m sorry. The thing is, I’m only just beginning to find my strength, Will, and if I’m with someone who puts me back in my safe little box, I’ll never find out who I can really be. If I stay with you, I’ll let the person I truly am die. And I can’t do that, Will. I’ll end up hating myself and you.”
“I can’t believe you’re willing to throw away what we have because I did one thing you didn’t like,” he says, his voice filled with bitterness. “Jesus! It’s not like I cheated on you or something. Everything I’ve done has been for you, Belle. For you. I gave up millions of dollars for you. I signed a shitty three-year deal that’ll have me beholden to Dylan for you. And yet, you actually want to give up on us. Do you even hear yourself right now?”
I close my eyes, shutting out his words. “I’m sorry, Will, but the fact that you can’t understand what you did wrong proves we don’t belong together. You’re never going to see me for who I am, which means you’ll never love me the way I need to be loved.”
“Fine, go then, because clearly nothing is ever going to be enough for you.”
“I’m so sorry, Will. I hope you can understand.”
“No, I really can’t,” he says, digging into his pocket and pulling out a small black velvet box. He slams it on the counter. “This is not how I thought tonight was going to go.”
Shit. He was going to propose. Shock and pain vibrate through me. I stare at the box knowing that the life I thought I wanted is sitting right here within my grasp. But that life was a fantasy and the reality is not one I can live with. I force myself to turn away from him and walk to the front door before I can change my mind. I pick up my overnight bag and am about to walk outside when I hear his voice. “You’re letting them win. You know that, right? Dylan, the media, my stupid wild girl fans, your brother. You’re letting them all win.”
I freeze with my hand on the doorknob, but I don’t turn around because I don’t think I can handle seeing his face right now. “No, I’m not. If I stayed with you, it would be on your terms. I’m letting myself win for once.”
I sob once, then hold my head high and walk over to Norm and Bellford, who are standing next to the car smoking. They quickly put out their cigarettes, and Norm rushes to open the back door, while Bellford takes my bag and puts it in the boot. Neither of them says a word, for which I’m grateful. I get in and settle myself in the backseat, waiting until the doors are closed and the lights go off before I let the tears pour out.
26
I’m Totally Fine, Thanks for Asking…
Will
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Dwight asks, staring down at me with his arms folded.
I’m sitting on his couch and I just turned on the telly to watch episode three of Princess in the Wild, which is going to start in about three and a half minutes, give or take. “Of course, it’s not a good idea,” I say. “But when has that ever stopped me from doing anything?”
“Why don’t I watch it for you to make sure that Dylan kept her word. You could… I don’t know, maybe go for a nice, long run, perhaps to a certain palace where you could attempt to make up with the love of your life?”
“Nope. I’m really the only one who knows what we agreed to. Besides, it’s not gonna bother me at all to watch this—I wasn’t really all that attached to her.”
“Yes, sure, sure,” he says, sounding anything but convinced. “It’s just that I can’t help but remember all those things you said about her being like the warmth of the sun on a cool winter’s day and all that. Remember? When you were spending a massive wad of cash on an engagement ring for her? Like about thirty hours ago? And now…you’re saying you were never that attached. You can see why I’d be confused.”
“When I make up my mind, it’s done,” I say, getting up and walking over to the kitchen. “You know what I need? A boozy smoothie. One of the guests at the resort ordered it from me years ago, when I was working at the beach bar. It’s brilliant really. Ice cream and straight bourbon. Can I make you one?”
“Thank you, no.”
“Are you sure?” I ask, smiling at him. “You won’t know what you’re missing out on if you never try.”
Holding up one hand, Dwight says, “I’m still rather full from dinner.”
“More for me.” I open the vanilla ice cream carton and free pour bourbon directly in until it’s nearly full. I grab a spoon from the drawer, then make my way back to the couch, seeing Dwight visibly stiffen.
“Remember rule number eight?” he asks. “No eating in the… oh, I see you’re just going to do it anyway.”
“Don’t worry. I have very steady hands,” I say, stirring the concoction. “Well, at least until I finish this. I’ll be shitfaced by then.”
When the theme song starts up, it feels like my heart is being literally ripped out of my chest by that bad guy in that Indiana Jones movie. You know the one, where that guy rips that other guy’s heart out of his chest while he was still alive. Yeah, seeing her face feels about that good.
And…there she is in a gown getting out of a limo. The woman I was about to propose to a mere twenty-four hours ago, looking too beautiful to be real. I continue watching while I stir my snack. Finally, the theme song ends and a commercial starts up, temporarily relieving me from my misery. “See the trick is, you stir in the booze until you can drink it. It’s a very efficient way to get drunk compared to spoonfuls.” Looking around, I see that Dwight’s not here. I shrug, then take a swig of the carton.
He returns with his arms full of blankets. “Get up.”
“It’s fine, I’m not going to spill.”
“Up.”
I do as he says and watch in wonder while he puts a sheet down on the couch, then an old blanket over top. He smooths them out until he looks satisfied. Finally, he nods. “Okay, you can sit down. But this is a one-time thing,” he says in a warning tone.
My phone lights up and starts buzzing on the coffee table for the eightieth time today. It’s a FaceTime call from Harrison, who I’m sure has gathered the rest of the family to find out how my big proposal went. I ignore it and have another few more gulps of my boozy smoothie. With any luck, I’ll be completely drunk by the time the second set of commercials roll.
“I don’t think they’re going to stop calling. Do you want me to answer and let them know what happened?” he asks.
“Sure, I don’t really care.” That’s not true. I absolutely care. I’ve been avoiding the call because somehow, telling my family makes the whole thing feel like it’s actually happening. And if it’s actually happening, I’m going to have to feel things I don’t want to, like pain and anger and, well, a whole bunch of other sappy things that men like me don’t experience.
Dwight swipes the screen. “Hello, family,” he says, aiming for an upbeat tone.
“You?” I hear Rosy’s voice. “Where’s my Cuddle Bear?”
“Right here,” he says.
Out of the corner of my eye, I can tell he’s aiming the phone at me, but I won’t look. Instead, I keep my eyes glued to the telly.
I hear Harrison’s voice next. “Uh-oh. Is that a boozy smoothie? Straight from the carton?”
“I’m afraid so,” Dwight says, sounding grave.
Emma says, “I take it things didn’t go as planned last night.”
“Quite the opposite, I’m afraid,” Dwight says.
I decide it’s time to interject. “It’s not a big deal, I’m already over it, and I’m pretty sure I can return the ring because it’s been less than a week.”
Dwight lowers his voice. “Yes, he didn’t want to do that today. He wasn’t quite ready.”
“I was just too busy,” I say, sounding defensive even in my own ears.
“Cuddle Bear, what happened?” Rosy asks. “I can’t believe that girl would have the nerve to say no to you.”
“Oh, I didn’t ask. It was over before I could get to that part,” I say, wiping the sticky, cold liquid off my chin. “It’s fine, really. It’s better to find out now than five kids from now. Although come to think of it, we only would’ve had two. It’s nobody’s fault. We’re just too different. You needn’t say anything bad about her.”
Dwight chimes in with, “Yes, I made that mistake earlier today. Not a good idea.”
“Is there any chance she’ll change her mind?” Harrison asks.
“Why does everyone assume she dumped me?” I ask, feeling very irritated.
“Well, it just seems rather obvious,” Emma says. “After all, it was only yesterday that you were comparing her to the sun and the moon and all of that, so it would be rather odd if you had suddenly changed your mind.”
“Also, the boozy smoothie is a bit of a tip-off,” Harrison adds.
“I did not compare her to the sun or the moon. Well, maybe the sun,” I say. Stupid falling in love. “But you needn’t worry because I’m never going to make that mistake again.”
“So, are you still going to compete in Greenland together or is that off too?” Emma asks.
“I don’t know,” I say, suddenly realizing we may have a bigger problem than I thought because if she doesn’t compete with me, the agreement I made with the network is kind of null and void, isn’t it? “It’s all pretty new, so imagine it’ll take a few days to sort everything out.”
“No matter,” Rosy says. “If you need a partner, I’m sure Emma here would be up for it.”
“Oh,” Emma says, “That would be fun! Harrison, could you give me a couple of weeks off to go help out our little brother?”
“Sure,” Harrison says. “Anything, you need, Champ,” he adds, like the good father figure he is.
“I don’t think the network is going to let me choose,” I say. “But I’ll float the idea and see if they like it. Anyway, the show is on so I should go.”
“He means he needs us to shut up so he can continue torturing himself,” Dwight says as quietly as he can.
“I heard that. If you’d like
to continue talking about me behind my back, please feel free to take the call with my family in the other room.”
I assume he’ll ring off, but instead, he stands and starts walking down the hall. “So, Emma? Do you have an interest in a television career?”
27
The Stages of Surviving a Breakup…
Arabella
The show ends and I turn off my telly, then glance down at my white duvet, only to see it’s covered in crisp crumbs and used tissues. I should not have watched that. That was the worst idea I’ve ever had, possibly even more so than the time I decided to sneak away with a handsome adventurer/nature documentarian. Well, obviously not more than that, because if I’d never done that, I wouldn’t have this gaping wound where my heart used to be.
The last twenty-four hours, I’ve been like one of those perpetual motion machines that just keeps going back and forth, slightly faster each time. I should call him and tell him I made a huge mistake. No, that would be the huge mistake. I did the right thing.
What’s done is done and I did it for the right reasons, so no matter what, I am not going to rush across town and beg him to take me back. And I’ll tell you what else I’m not going to do: a) mope around for weeks like a love-sick duck whose mate got hit by a car (Have you seen that video? Tragic); b) go on and on to anyone who’ll listen about how I thought I had the perfect love and now I’ve lost it; c) run to Will and beg him to take me back. Oh, I said that one already, didn’t I?
Anyway, I’m not going to cry about it. Much worse things have happened in the history of love and much worse will happen in the future.
So, here’s a quick list of what I am going to do: a) sleep well (no staring at the ceiling or moaning into the silent darkness of the night); b) exercise every day (except today because I needed time to recover, but starting first thing tomorrow, I’ll be hitting the gym); c) eat well (again starting tomorrow, since this evening has been the world’s most pathetic festival of carbs and salt); and d) get on with it, just like any strong woman would.
Royally Wild (Crazy Royal Love Romantic Comedy Book 2) Page 21