by Aliyah Burke
I know what you’re thinking; we ended the night in bed right? You couldn’t be more wrong.
We finished our beers, and he said he needed some sleep. So, we walked hand in hand back to his truck and he kissed me goodnight. I went to bed with a smile on my face that I couldn’t pry off even if I wanted to, and to be honest, for the first time… I didn’t care.
The icy bitch was gone and the stupid school girl was back. Maybe she’s not so bad after all.
I decided to make him breakfast. Eggs, bacon, pancakes, fresh fruit, the works! Me, the girl who lived on coffee and bagels.
This was how I saw it play out in my head. I would wrap my arms around him and kiss him. He would eat and then head out back to tackle my grandfather’s shed.
But that never happened. He didn’t show up until almost noon. I watched him from the window. He was off, preoccupied. He walked swiftly as he pulled tools from the back of his truck. The only thought that kept speaking to me, well, screaming at me, was that he didn’t come through the front door to say hello first… he was avoiding me.
There they were again, my fucking insecurities whispering to me like an eager audience waiting for the curtain to open. And of course, I gave them the show of a lifetime.
I folded my arms and proceeded with caution out onto the deck.
“Good afternoon.”
“Afternoon,” he responded, almost coldly, barely stopping to acknowledge me.
“You okay?” I asked.
“Fine. Got a lot of shit to do.”
“Does it have anything to do with the plans you had before you came over last night?” I blurted. He stopped and looked up at me.
“What I do is none of your business. You’re not my girlfriend.”
“Sorry. I was just making sure you were okay. Ya know, because you don’t really talk about anything that actually affects you,” I said, sharply.
“Right. How many times do I have to tell you that what goes on in here is mine! No one else’s. Ya know what? Fuck this!” he spat, pointing to his chest, and turned around in the other direction. I heard his truck start up and peel out of the driveway.
I stood there in silence as my audience of insecurities began to applaud my performance.
What the fuck was I thinking? I don’t do this, whatever this is. I put myself out there last night, I let him in. I don’t let anyone in! My hands were shaking. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe it all away, to push him out. I’m not his girlfriend and it was none of my business. He was exactly right.
Those words gnawed at me like a buzz saw. I opened my eyes, but my vision was blurred. Fuck! I could feel them filling with the watery substance that was foreign to me.
I needed to do something to make them stop. He wasn’t going to break me. I wasn’t going to let him. I turned on my barefoot heels and flung open the glass door.
I scanned the room, my eyes falling to the perfectly set table for two.
I grabbed the platter of toast and the plate of eggs and briskly walked back out to the deck. I hurled them with all my might at the closest tree.
I don’t need anyone but myself!
I went back inside, this time for the plate of pancakes and the glass bowl of syrup. It didn’t stop the tears that were now falling.
This is exactly why I don’t give anyone the time of day!
The fruit platter was perfect. I hoisted it over my head and heard it crash against the trees.
My white tank top and cutoffs were stained pink from the watermelon.
How could you think someone would actually want to be with someone as damaged as you, anyway?
All that was left was the giant glass pitcher of orange juice. At this point my entire body was shaking. I had all these thoughts and feelings that I couldn’t contain. I was out of control. But not like some weak sad girl. This was wild, unhindered years of bottled up emotions that actually had nothing to do with the stupid argument we had.
This was about me, and my issues.
You’re not worth anyone’s love or loyalty!
I was gasping for air as this sound erupted from my body. I slid in the orange juice and fell on my ass on the deck. My head rested on the railing as I let go.
And that’s when I heard it, the applause, the standing ovation from my insecurities… annnnnnd scene.
FROM: shayewrites
TO: Chelsea
SUBJECT: CHAPTER 4
“GRAM KNOWS BEST”
The next morning, I awoke to the sound of the front door opening. I climbed out of bed in annoyance, still in the food stained clothes I was wearing. I blamed the vodka.
“Morning, Sunshine,” Abe greeted me cheerfully, as if yesterday didn’t happen, and handed me a Styrofoam cup of coffee.
“You have to try one of these,” he said, holding up a white paper bag.
“What is it?” I asked, still trying to make sense of his sunny disposition.
“These are the original glazed donuts from the bakery in town. Not that commercialized bullshit. They’re delicious.”
Unimpressed by his presentation, I broke off a piece and popped it into my mouth. It was delicious, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.
“Not bad,” I shrugged, handing him back the unfinished donut.
“What happened to you last night?” he asked, noticing my clothes.
“Bear.”
It was the first thing that popped into my mind as I continued out to the deck.
I leaned over the railing before taking a sip from the cup.
“Look, I’m sorry about yesterday. But there are moments when I just need time to myself. Shit is hitting me all at one time and I don’t know how to deal with it,” he said, leaning against the railing, his eyes squinting from the bright morning sun.
“Shit like what, Abe? Or is that something that belongs to you as well?”
I stared out at the trees, avoiding looking at the huge mess I made yesterday.
“Don’t do that. This, us. This wasn’t how I planned for this to go. I thought I would get my dick wet from time to time and be on my way. But that’s not what’s happening. The sex is great but the way we are when we hang out, the way we talk, that’s what I want.”
I turned to him.
“Did you just put me in the friend zone? Jesus!” I said, under my breath.
“No! That is not what I’m saying. I have these thoughts and feelings; feelings that I don’t want and definitely don’t understand. Look, I’m not happy with myself or my life, and now, there is you, and I feel like I am all over the place. I don’t know what to do with that, so sometimes I get stuck in my own head and I need some space.”
I stood there in silence. I didn’t know what to say because while I was glad that he had some sort of feelings for me or whatever, I understood exactly where he was coming from because I was feeling the exact same way.
He nudged me gently.
“We good?”
“Yeah, we’re good,” I answered, laying my head on his shoulder. He paused for a moment and then nodded his head at the food debris and broken dishes.
“So that bear decorated you with- is that watermelon, pancakes, and eggs? And then it came out here and threw it all over the side of the deck and into the trees?”
“Yup, looks that way, doesn’t it?”
He inhaled and put his arm around me, still staring at the mess in awe.
“Bears?”
“Bears,” I repeated.
The last few weeks of repairs seem to fly by. Abe packed up his tools for the last time; both the roof and the deck were repaired, the shed was rebuilt, the landscaping was restored, and whole a lot of other tedious projects were done, as well. The house passed inspection just as it should.
But now I was faced with the question of what was next for me. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what I wanted. While Abe was still pulling his cryptic “I have plans” and not saying why, at this point I didn’t question it. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I trusted him.
Things were good with us. We stayed away from the heavy stuff and just enjoyed each other’s company, laughing, drinking, fucking, and kissing-- a lot of kissing that I couldn’t seem to get enough of. Deep down inside, I didn’t want to admit it, but I wanted him to want me to stay.
For some reason, I couldn’t sleep. Well, I knew why. Abe had plans, so I hadn’t seen him at all today. While yes, I did enjoy my own space at times, I loved him filling it. Ugh, love. That word I hate, the word I never use, especially in the context of a man.
But who was I kidding? He makes me laugh, and I smile. I’m always smiling, even when he’s not here. I don’t feel so tightly wound. I don’t feel like I have to hold my breath anymore when I’m with him. Being with him is like breathing, and I know in my gut that I don’t want that to stop, in fear that I’ll stop breathing, once again.
Is that what love is?
When a person touches you and you can still feel it like an imprint on your skin long after they pull away. If so, then yes, I think that I love Abe. But my audience of insecurities is still demanding that the show must go on, so getting those words to ever pass my lips would probably never happen. It terrified me. But at the same time, they’re choking me.
What if he laughed at me? What if he rejected me? What if it changed things? Why would anyone ever love someone as fucked-up as I am? In my eyes he is the perfect one and I, I am the flawed one.
It was just before dawn. Blue and purple still clung to the sky as I found myself out on the deck. I needed to stop thinking and feeling, I needed the lump in my throat to ease. I wasn’t going to tell him, I couldn’t risk my sanity; I needed my safe space inside my own head.
Suddenly something, or rather someone, caught my eye. The work on the house was complete so there was no reason for him to be here this time of day. He stood there in silence on the other side of the glass door. I did exactly the same. My heart was beating so fast and I was so consumed with my own emotions that I could have dropped right there where I stood.
Instead of saying something sarcastic to mask it, I did something else. I walked to the door, my eyes glued to his, and I slowly opened the door.
Have you ever had a moment in your life when everything just clicked and it all made sense without words being spoken? He said nothing, but his eyes, they said everything I needed to know, and I know that mine did, as well.
His hand gently reached for my throat and drew me in. His kiss was different from all the rest. It was slow, soft, and full of a need that only I could understand and reciprocate. In that moment, I was lost in him and I didn’t care. I was right where I belonged.
We never made it back inside. The cushioned chaise lounge on the deck was where ended up.
I won’t give you a play-by-play of what followed because I feel that would cheapen what took place.
But I will say this; this wasn’t like any of our other encounters. This was us raw and unfiltered; filling a need for something more than a physical interaction. I memorized every kiss, every caress of my skin that was laid by his hands, and the weight of his body on mine.
When he took me, it was so much more than my mind or heart could comprehend. With every slow, deep, and penetrating stroke I knew what it was like to feel love.
There is something to be said for when two broken people find love in each other. It’s different from any other type of relationship. If only one is broken, the other tries to bring them around with their strength and will and that can hurt both of them. But this, this beautifully damaged love, was about saving each other in a way that no else could.
I didn’t need a perfect strong man to take my pain away. All I needed was him, the person who didn’t judge me, who swallowed my crazy and challenged me with his own just like I do with him.
There we were, the sun was rising on the lake. Our fingers intertwined, kisses that wouldn’t let us breathe, and the smell of his skin was intoxicating. I wrapped my legs around him and he continued to take me to heights I had never been.
Being with him was like finding a hidden place that was all my own, with nothing but peace and acceptance and an insatiable hunger all at the same time.
I wonder if he knows that every time he touches me every part of me is alive that every fiber of my being is heightened.
We came together, his head in my hands, looking deep into his soul; that’s what he wanted, that’s what I could give him. All of my fears were gone, and I embraced that moment to the fullest, letting him look right through me. He needed to see me for who I was. The girl who was completely in love with him.
I fell asleep in his arms in the sun with no more worry, no more doubts. But when I woke, he was gone. I wasn’t worried. I was more sure than I had ever been about anything.
I took my time showering and indulging in my thoughts about what had happened with Abe earlier. Reassuring myself that yes, my feelings for him were genuine, and weren’t going to change.
I sat down to check my emails and there it was, the moment that set everything that was about to happen in motion.
If out is what you want, it doesn’t get much better than this! I heard from the agents concerning the screenplay. They agreed to your terms. They want you in California to work alongside them! You did it! This is your big break! Let me know ASAP so I can book your flight! I can have you in the air and out of “Crystal Lake” in a matter of hours!
I sat back for a moment, reading the email again. Chels was right, this was my big break.
But why wasn’t I as excited as she was? I had already found my big break. It was Abe. I needed to tell him. I had no choice. Things were coming to a head. Either I tell him how I feel and ask him if he wants me to stay, or I head out to California and that’s that. I had no idea what I was going to say, but I grabbed my keys and ran out the door.
His truck was parked in front of his house but there was no answer when I knocked. I turned impatiently, noticing all the people gathered in the park for some sort of concert. He had to be there, Spencer Park was where everyone went on a gorgeous day like this.
I roamed through the sea of people until I saw the back of his fitted hat. I smiled and walked faster, weaving in and out of the crowd. That’s when I saw the little boy holding his hand. I stopped for a second, taken aback, but then came the next blow. The beautiful dark-haired woman holding two drinks in her hand. She was smiling at the two of them as she watched them.
I was unable to move, trying to digest what I was seeing. He turned to take the cup from her just as the crowd of people between us parted and he saw me. He didn’t smile, he had no expression. It felt like I was the one who was in the wrong place.
I turned and ran through the crowd of people back to my car. My fingers were shaking as I pressed the button to start the car and took off.
“Send an email to Chelsea. Get me on the next flight. The sooner the better,” I spoke into the air, waiting for the computer to confirm the email was sent.
I couldn’t breathe, my chest felt like it was going to explode. I was vulnerable and in love just ten minutes ago, now it’s gone. No, it never existed. I did this to myself.
I went straight to the bottle of vodka as soon as I stepped inside the front door. I took two sips when I realized I needed to contact the real estate agent. The quicker I could get out of Blue Lake the better.
I fished through the junk drawer for the card when I found the unread letter from Gram. I held it in my hand, closed my eyes, and sighed before I opened it.
My Dearest Alison,
The shot glasses are on the top shelf of the cabinet above the refrigerator. I am sure that right about now you could use a little something to take the edge off. But I needed you to find this letter, the scavenger hunt how I did it.
I am writing you this letter because I need to set things right. I know that we all failed you as a child and you still suffer greatly for it. But you are not the only one. Abe is suffering in his own way as well.
None of us were right after
the death of Debbie and Joseph. It wrecked all of our lives, especially your mother, who never finished college and had you out of wedlock, then married the first piece of shit she could find. Grief does horrible things to people. But that was no excuse to turn a blind eye to what you had to endure. And the torment that Abe suffered was no better in the Hughes household.
I’m sure you are wondering why I am bringing Abe into this. What? Y’all thought you were slick, hiding your little affair as teenagers? Come on now, you know Gram is smarter than that. I know everything, and I know the both of you. I have watched that boy suffer from the time he was a child. He carries so much anger and hurt that he’s drowning in it and no one has bothered to try to help him. Sounds like someone else I know.