by Cary Fagan
The pirates sat and began to clap. “Not so fast,” Crossbones said. “This could still be a trick.” But he too sat down. Jacob and Cindy looked at each other, then sat too. Slowly the curtain jerked open to reveal a trapeze hanging in the air by vines. The Bubov Brothers tumbled onto the stage, shouting to one another. They rose quickly and spread out their arms. Then the middle brother got onto the shoulders of the eldest brother, and the youngest brother got onto the shoulders of the middle brother. The youngest brother juggled three coconuts and then added a boot, a soup ladle, a sailor’s cap, and a framed photograph of Captain Sparkletooth. The pirates whooped with delight.
Next the youngest brother grabbed hold of the trapeze and began to swing. He executed a series of gymnastic moves, then hooked his feet over the bar, swung down, and grabbed his middle brother’s hands. He swung him up into the air and let go. The middle brother did three somersaults in the air, landing in his older brother’s arms.
The pirates cheered as the curtain closed. Even Crossbones was clapping.
After the Bubov Brothers came Percy Swishbottom and his dummy, Hector, who was wearing a pirate hat and a patch over his eye. The pirates in the audience pointed and laughed.
“Why are you dressed like that?” Percy asked Hector.
“Isn’t it obvious?” replied Hector. “Because I want to be a pirate.”
“Why do you want to be a pirate?”
“Well, I figured I might as well. I’ve already got a wooden leg.” The real pirates howled.
“What kind of wood are you made out of anyway?” Percy asked.
“Guess.”
“You want me to guess?”
“No, I just said the word ‘guess’ for no reason. Of course I want you to guess.”
“Maple?”
“Mais, non,” said the dummy.
“Oak?”
“What a joke!”
“Birch?”
“A bird’s perch!”
“Mahogany?”
“That’s funny!”
“Alright, I give up.”
“Sick of more?” asked the dummy.
“Yes, I am, so tell me what wood you’re made of.”
“But I just told you. I’m made out of sycamore!”
“That figures.”
“Hey, it could be worse. I’ve got a cousin made out of nutty pine.”
“Isn’t that knotty pine?”
“You don’t know my cousin.”
Jacob thought that Percy Swishbottom with his dummy was the silliest act he had ever seen, but the pirates loved it. After they left the stage, Jacob was astonished to see his mother and father step through the curtains.
His father began to speak. “I shall now recite, from memory, the great poem by Sammy Cooleridge called ‘The Gassy Sailor.’ While I do so, my lovely wife shall make appropriate sound effects.”
Jacob applauded as loud as he could. Smiling, he looked over at Cindy. He was surprised to see that she looked unhappy.
“What’s wrong? What’s wrong?” Jacob asked.
“I wish my mother would perform too,” she said. “But she thinks that performers are low-class.”
Jacob felt sorry for Cindy. When his parents finished and everyone cheered, the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O’Toole came out again. “You are a wonderful audience,” they said. “And you are in for a real treat. Tonight only, we present to you the celebrated opera singer and former star of the Hackensack Opera Company, Dame Camilia Snootcastle. She will perform the final aria in Puppinello’s great tragic opera, The Soggy Sandwich.”
“Opera?” said Cindy, her eyes growing wide. “My mother doesn’t sing opera.”
“Maybe she does. Maybe she does,” Jacob said. And sure enough, out came Mrs. Snootcastle wearing an enormous velvet gown, her hands clasped before her. She stood at center stage, looked at the audience, took in a deep breath, and began to sing. Her voice rose higher and grew louder until the palm trees holding up the curtains began to shake and coconuts fell to the ground.
“Hurray! Bravo!” shouted the pirates. Several had tears in their eyes.
“That was my mother,” Cindy said proudly.
“Yes it was. Yes it was.” Jacob nodded happily.
Once again, out came the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O’Toole. They announced several more acts. Mr. Peabody, the toy inventor, demonstrated his new yo-yo that let off fireworks as it spun. Except for the moment when Mr. Peabody’s trousers caught on fire, it was a success. After him came Marfa and Daniel, who performed some skateboarding tricks, with Daniel crashing only once.
Then there was Captain Sparkletooth. Captain Sparkletooth brought out his collection of mirrors. He had thirty-two of them.
“Impressive,” muttered the pirates.
“And finally,” announced O’Toole, while Shapiro blew into the conch shell, “our final act. Making a return to the ring after years in retirement, the only man who was ever a match for The Hooded Fang, please welcome one of the great wrestlers of all time, The Mighty Morgenbesser!”
Jacob watched as the curtains parted to reveal his friend. Dressed in green wrestling leotards, Morgenbesser flexed his arm muscles to show how strong he was. O’Toole declared that since there was no one on the island strong enough to wrestle him, Morgenbesser would take on all three Bubov Brothers at the same time.
The brothers came out and surrounded Morgenbesser, clenching their fists and making fierce faces. Suddenly, the eldest brother jumped onto Morgenbesser’s back, while the other two grabbed Morgenbesser’s arms. Soon, all three brothers were flying through the air. Fortunately, they were nimble enough to land on their feet.
Next, the brothers all rushed toward Morgenbesser, screaming loudly. Morgenbesser just crossed his arms and let them bounce off his chest. Dizzy, the brothers got up again. Then they fell back down. And got up again. And fell down again.
“The winner and still champion,” said O’Toole, holding up the giant man’s hand, “The Mighty Morgenbesser!”
Whistles and foot-stomping came from the audience. Jacob and Cindy made the loudest noise of anyone.
“And now,” said Shapiro, “Captain Sparkletooth has a special announcement to make.”
The captain came out, adjusting his white cape and smiling his sparkling smile. “I have decided to turn the SS Spring-a-Leak into a showboat.”
“Great!” shouted the pirates. “Fantastic!”
Mr. Scrounger in the front row called out, “What’s a showboat?”
“Very simple,” said the captain. “It’s a boat with a show on it. The boat docks in port, and people buy tickets to come aboard and watch. You see, I realize just how handsome I look up on stage. There’s only one thing. Some of our performers are on their way to Canada. Their places need to be filled with new acts. We are hoping that you pirates might want to give up your life on the high seas to become performers.”
“We do! We do!” shouted the pirates.
“Wait a minute,” said Crossbones. He stood up and glared down at his men. “Nobody gives up being a pirate unless I say so. And I have a question. Just what sort of acts would we have?”
Now Jacob stood up. “You could put on a play!” he said. “A play about pirates! A play about pirates!”
Cindy stood up too. “You could fight with wooden swords. And you could sing pirate songs.”
All of the pirates looked hopefully at Crossbones. Crossbones rubbed his beard. “That sounds like something we could do. In fact, we’d probably be better at pretending to be pirates than actually being pirates. What do you say, mates? Shall we wear the greasepaint and tread the boards? Shall we make the audience weep hot tears with our death scenes, sigh gently over our love scenes, and laugh heartily over our comic turns? Shall we be … actors?”
“Yes!” cried the pirates, raising their fists in the air. “Yes! Yes! YES!”
“Sour cream makes good shampoo!” squawked the parrot.
“Does that mean we’re free? Does that me
an we’re free?” Jacob asked.
“Indeed it does,” said Crossbones. “No hard feelings, I hope.”
CHAPTER 15
acob was overjoyed to be reunited with his mother and father. Even his brothers and sisters were glad to see him. Cindy was just as happy to see her mother, and Mrs. Snootcastle was so glad to have Cindy back that she didn’t even mind Treasure anymore. She told Cindy all about her career as an opera singer before she married Mr. Snootcastle and retired from the stage.
The SS Spring-a-Leak was waiting on the other side of the island. After they got on board, Crossbones and his pirates returned to their own ship and followed behind. Crossbones didn’t want to fly the Jolly Roger from the foremast now that they were no longer going to be real pirates. But since he didn’t have any other flag, he borrowed a pair of polka-dotted boxer shorts from Captain Sparkletooth and flew them instead.
Before turning his ship into a showboat, Captain Sparkletooth had to deliver his passengers to Canada. They continued on their journey, returning to the old routine of shuffleboard games and fancy meals in the dining room. Jacob and Cindy got to play the games now too. They also visited their friend Morgenbesser down in the engine room, where they all had tea and played checkers.
One evening at dinner, Mrs. Snootcastle turned to Jacob’s father and said, “I’m reading your latest book. It is not nearly as dreadful as I thought.”
“Coming from you,” said Jacob’s father, “I consider that a great compliment.”
Just before dessert, the band suddenly struck up the song “Happy Birthday.” Jacob watched as Morgenbesser, dressed in a white suit, wheeled in a giant cake. Jacob’s family began to sing and everyone joined in. So they hadn’t forgotten his birthday after all! In fact, it was Jacob who had forgotten. For a moment he was glad, but then he remembered why he had wanted to skip it in the first place.
“Blow out the candles, Jacob,” said a smiling Morgenbesser. Jacob took a big breath and began to blow. He managed to blow out all the candles himself, although Morgenbesser helped him with the last two. Everyone cheered.
Daniel said “Hey, wait a minute. Jacob isn’t two plus two plus two years old anymore.”
Here it comes, Jacob thought. They were going to make fun of his name. They were going to call him Jacob Two-Two Plus One after all. There was nothing he could do about it.
“You’re right,” said Jacob’s father, ruffling his hair. “Jacob is now two plus two plus two plus one brave boy.”
Jacob grinned from ear to ear.
CHAPTER 16
t last the shores of Canada came into view. Jacob Two-Two stood at the rail beside Cindy as the SS Spring-a-Leak sailed down the Gulf of Saint Lawrence and along the Gaspé Peninsula of Quebec. Before long the port of Montreal came into view. Jacob could see a brass band playing and hundreds of people waving. As the ship docked, Jacob’s father said, “I recognize that person up on the platform. That’s Perry Pleaser, the prime minister of Canada.”
Jacob’s father was right. A red carpet was rolled along the gangway and Jacob, his family, and the other passengers walked off the ship. Jacob wondered why the prime minister was there. Perhaps it was to thank his father for writing the very important novel.
The prime minister called all of them up to the platform. “On behalf of Canada and all the civilized nations of the world,” said the prime minister, “I wish to bestow these medals on Jacob Two-Two and Cindy Snootcastle. These two courageous children have helped to rid the high seas of pirates.”
The crowd waved their little flags.
Perry Pleaser continued, his teeth sparkling, “I hope all of you will vote for me in the next election.”
Captain Sparkletooth took a step forward. “Prime Minister, is there any chance that you have a twin brother and that the two of you were separated at birth?”
“Why, yes,” said the prime minister. “It is true.”
“Is it also true that you love to look at yourself in the mirror and have your photograph taken?”
“Well, yes, that’s true also.”
“I knew it! I saw the resemblance immediately. You are my long-lost brother!”
The two men threw their arms around each other and had a good cry. Then they made plans to spend the entire evening together, discussing hair tonic and skin moisturizer and admiring each other’s mirror collections.
Jacob Two-Two had to say good-bye to Cindy. They promised to telephone each other, and Jacob scratched Treasure behind the ears. Then Cindy and her mother stepped into a waiting limousine and sped away.
Jacob and his family crowded into a taxicab. They drove through the narrow streets of Montreal, past apartments with iron fire escapes zigzagging up their fronts. “At last I’m home again,” said Jacob’s father. “Let’s stop at a delicatessen and get something to eat.”
“I’ve just thought of something,” Jacob’s mother said. “We’ve been so busy that we haven’t given Jacob a present for his birthday.”
“That’s right,” said his father. “And if you ever deserved one, you do this year. What would you like, Jacob?”
Jacob thought for a moment. “I would like a pet. I’ve never had one. I’ve never had one.”
“Alright,” said his father. “We give in. What sort of pet do you want? A goldfish? A lizard? A cat or dog?”
“I don’t know. Something different. Something different.”
“We’ll just have to find something, then,” his father said with a smile. The cab bounced in and out of a pothole. Jacob looked out of the window at his new city. He hadn’t been glad to leave his old home, but now he was looking forward to a new adventure. Jacob began to sing.
It’s a brand-new life for us, hey ho!
A brand-new life for us!
And before he knew it, his whole family had joined in.
Other books in the Jacob Two-Two series:
Jacob Two-Two Meets the Hooded Fang
By Mordecai Richler, illustrated by Dušan Petričić
Poor Jacob Two-Two, only two plus two plus two years old and already a prisoner of The Hooded Fang. What had he done to deserve such terrible punishment? Why, the worst crime of all – insulting a grown-up.
Jacob Two-Two and the Dinosaur
By Mordecai Richler, illustrated by Dušan Petričić
When his parents bring a little green lizard home from their vacation in Kenya, Jacob Two-Two is thrilled. But as the days pass, he realizes that Dippy isn’t an ordinary lizard. In fact, Dippy’s not so little either. As Dippy grows bigger and bigger, he begins to attract attention from some very important people. Before Jacob realizes, he is on the run from the entire government!
Jacob Two-Two’s First Spy Case
By Mordecai Richler, illustrated by Dušan Petričić
Just as Jacob Two-Two settles into his new life in Canada, things are turned upside down! First, Jacob gets a new neighbor, who does double duty as a spy; then his school gets a new principal, who turns out to be mean and nasty; and then, unknowingly, he makes an enemy – who could it be? Jacob Two-Two’s adventure takes him into the fascinating world of spies.
Praise for Mordecai Richler’s Jacob Two-Two series:
Jacob Two-Two Meets the Hooded Fang
“Mordecai Richler is a funny man, a good writer, and everyone should go out tomorrow morning and beat his local bookseller into submission if he hasn’t got a nice plump display of books titled Jacob Two-Two Meets the Hooded Fang…. It is ghastly and funny… an unbelievably believable unbelievable place with no artificial sweeteners or preservatives.”
– The New York Times Book Review
Jacob Two-Two and the Dinosaur
“The range and bite of this novel’s hilarity will come as no surprise to fans of Mordecai Richler’s adult fiction and of his previous book for children.…Yet what’s astonishing is how much of the humor here strikes both adult and child as genuinely funny.”
– The New York Times Book Review
“There is a reckl
ess momentum to Richler’s narrative, a rhythm of slap-dash invention that mimics the frantic pace of childhood fantasy. Yet Richler’s tale is well-ventilated with adult wit.”
– Maclean’s
Jacob Two-Two’s First Spy Case
“…the story combines zippy dialogue, clever magic tricks, and even a chapter in mirror writing, with opprobrious names and grossness galore…. It will undoubtedly be greeted with shrieks of joy and loud guffaws from children employing their all-too-natural baser instincts.”
– The Horn Book Magazine
“The book’s centerpiece is a terrific little mind-reading swindle that Jacob and Mr. Dinglebat pull…. Readers will be baffled by the sophisticated scam, and delighted to find an appendix that teaches them how to replicate it…. [This book] is good silly fun…”
– The New York Times Book Review
BASED ON THE CHARACTER CREATED BY MORDECAI RICHLER
Text copyright © 2009 by Cary Fagan
Illustrations copyright © 2009 by Dušan Petričić
Published in Canada by Tundra Books
75 Sherbourne Street, Toronto, Ontario M5A 2P9
Published in the United States by Tundra Books of Northern New York,
P.O. Box 1030, Plattsburgh, New York 12901
Library of Congress Catalogue Number: 2008911580
All rights reserved. The use of any part of this publication reproduced, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, or stored in a retrieval system, without the prior written consent of the publisher - or, in case of photocopying or other reprographic copying, a licence from the Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency - is an infringement of the copyright law.
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