by M J Hardy
Slap.
The first blow causes me to cry out as I feel the sting on my ass and he grabs my hair and pulls back sharply, hissing, “Did you just make a sound, Sarah?”
Shaking my head, the tears soak the blindfold as he releases me and then I feel him gag me with a rough piece of material and I steel myself for the next blow.
A few minutes pass and then.
Slap
This time I stay silent and try to tune out the horror happening right now.
Slap
Slap
Slap
Slap
Slap
I bite down on the gag and taste the blood in my mouth. The metallic, rancid taste of my own weakness as I take what he gives me.
The door slams and I hear the key turn in the lock.
He’s gone.
Chapter 8
Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow. Helen Keller
I start to shiver. There is no heat in the punishment room. The air conditioning rains down an icy blast cooling the heat from my punishment. The cold air dries my tears and cakes the blood that drips down the side of my mouth.
There is no sound in the punishment room.
Soundproofed walls cut out reality and enhance the fear in the room. I can’t hear him come until he arrives. There is no life apparent in the punishment room because any sounds have been muted and banished from the real world.
I can’t move in the punishment room. Tethered to the bed I lie like an animal, stripped of all humanity. Alone to think about what brought me here and acting as a deterrent for the future. Obey my husband and master. That is the lesson learned here. It’s simple. Do whatever he says and sacrifice my soul to him. Never speak out and agree to everything he wants.
I feel the numbness setting in. It surrounds my heart like an icy glove and squeezes it hard. It freezes my hopes and dreams and renders me incapable of decisions. It strips away any fight left in me and harnesses my mind to his.
Time has no meaning in the punishment room. There is no light to signify the hour, and no sounds to dictate if it is night or day. I have been known to spend several days chained to this bed lying in my own excrement as I ‘think about what I’ve done’.
Sleep doesn’t come easily in the punishment room. There are too many thoughts to process. Too many things racing around my head and too much fear to leave my senses unguarded.
The only thing that’s good about the punishment room is that I’m alone.
I drift in and out of sleep and the cool air wakes me every time. My teeth chatter and my body feels numb. My limbs ache from being held in the same position and my shame is intensified as I wet the bed which, for a brief moment, provides the only warmth in the room. The cool air dries it on my leg and the smell makes me gag. I can’t move and my joints scream out in frustration and pain. No more tears fall because they dried up a long time ago along with my resolve. I am broken. I have been for some time. Every time I think I can free myself; something happens to drag me back down. This is no exception.
I’m not sure how long I lie here for. Hours, days, weeks, time has no meaning here.
Then the sound of the door opening causes my heart to quicken. I hear him approach the bed and snarl, “This room reeks of you, Sarah. A disgusting putrid smell of weakness and a meaningless life. Have you learned your lesson?”
I nod and he removes the gag from my mouth. My mouth feels dry and my lips cracked as he says harshly, “What do you say, Sarah.”
I whisper, “Please forgive me, Richard. I’m sorry.”
The bed sags as he sits beside me and strokes my hair. “Good girl. You have earned a sip of water.”
He grabs me by the hair and pulls my head back and holds a glass of cool water to my lips. I drink greedily, desperately and with gratitude as the cool liquid calms the desert in my body.
He strokes my back and moves his hands over my smarting ass, saying darkly, “You know it pains me to see you like this, Sarah. I don’t enjoy bringing you in line but you will challenge me in every way. So, do you agree that I know best?”
“Yes.”
“Do you agree that I have only your best interests at heart?”
“Yes.”
“Do you promise to obey me and do everything I say?”
“Yes.”
“Will you be the good wife and mother I deserve?”
“Yes.”
He removes the blindfold and says soothingly, “There. That wasn’t so bad was it?”
I say in a whisper, “No.”
He strokes my body like a favourite pet and groans.
“Look at you, baby. So beautiful and all mine.”
I say nothing as he loosens the ropes around my ankles and massages the life back to them.
He says softly, “Does that feel good, baby?”
I nod. “Yes, thank you.”
He releases my wrists and pulls me to face him and strokes my face. “Look at you. Everything a man could ever wish for. I love you so much, darling, you know that, don’t you?”
I nod, willing a smile to my lips. “I do.”
I feel his hands on my breasts and hear his breathing intensify.
“We will make beautiful babies my love. We will be the perfect family and I will give you the world.”
I smile weakly. “Thank you, Richard.”
I feel his fingers move down my body and feel them entering me. He groans, “Feel how much you desire me, Sarah. Your body betrays you every time.”
The shame washes over me and I hate myself more than him at this moment. Is it possible to despise someone, yet still crave them physically?
His eyes darken and he pulls me from the bed saying gruffly, “Clean yourself up and I will reward you in the bedroom. You can clear this mess up afterwards.”
Meekly, I follow him from the room as he leads me to the bathroom where he has filled the tub with sweet smelling, hot water, surrounded by candles.
I step inside and he joins me, pulling me back against his chest as he washes my shame away. He kisses my neck and whispers, “I love you, darling. Now I will show you what my love can do.”
He kisses my neck, nibbling as he goes. His hands move across my breasts, squeezing gently and causing them to stand to attention.
The warm water causes my mind and body to relax as he lifts me from the tub and carries me to our bed.
Richard is a good lover when he wants to be. Tonight, he is proving that over and over again. He knows how to work my body until it betrays my own feelings. It’s a whore to Richard because it demands his attention. It exists only to please him and he plays it like a fine instrument, coaxing it to do his bidding and chaining me to him forever.
Richard makes love like he makes hate. Skilfully, controlling and causing every thought in me to agree with him. This time, I am encouraged to cry out. This time, my cries are ones of passion and ecstasy. This time, my heart beats a different tune as I draw him inside me, craving what he gives me. When the high wears off, I will come crashing down. I will loathe myself as well as him. I am ruined forever by this man in every way. I am lost with no map to aid my way out of a bad situation. I am broken.
Chapter 9
I've learned that fear limits you and your vision. It serves as blinders to what may be just a few steps down the road for you. The journey is valuable, but believing in your talents, your abilities, and your self-worth can empower you to walk down an even brighter path. Transforming fear into freedom - how great is that? Soledad O'Brien
Life goes on. Meaningless, controlled and unforgiving life. Surrounded by riches and yet nothing is inside. My life, my world, my shame.
Then one night everything changes.
The door slams and I jump as usual. He’s home. A little earlier than usual which makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck as I wait to see what mood comes through that door today. To my knowledge, there is no reason for him to be angry. I have been the model wife since my punishment. I have run the home like a
well-oiled machine. Played my part well as his loving wife and gone to work and spoken to no one. Even when we’ve met up with the neighbours, I’ve smiled and joked with them as usual and gazed at my husband lovingly in public. I’ve even made an effort with his mother, albeit through gritted teeth. I phone her regularly and ask for tips on recipes and household remedies.
I jump as Richard flings his briefcase to the floor and says loudly. “Evening, Sarah. We don’t have long, so I expect my supper on the table within the hour because we’re going out.”
I say with surprise. “Where to?”
Shaking his head, he rips off his tie and says irritably. “Where you tried not to go.”
I look at him in confusion and he rolls his eyes. “Don’t be obtuse, Sarah. Remember the letter you received that made me so angry?”
My heart lurches. “Yes.”
He smiles darkly, “The reunion. Tonight, we are going to see just what you’re hiding from me. I will delve into your past and you had better pray there are no deep, dark, secrets you’re hiding because I will find out and you know how angry I get when you hide things from me.”
My knees start trembling and I lean on the kitchen counter for support as I whisper, “Why?”
He shrugs. “Because I don’t like secrets where it concerns you. There was a reason you hid that letter from me and it has made me curious. So, tonight we will revisit your old school and you can introduce me to your friends. Maybe they will shed some light on the past you are so keen to protect.”
He heads toward me and I shrink back in fear which makes him laugh dully. “It appears I was right to be concerned. The fear is evident in your eyes. Is there something you want to tell me before we go?”
I shake my head and he sighs heavily. “I’m off to change and I expect supper on the table when I return. Don’t make me angry because I am feeling unsettled. Work has been hard lately, added in with the worry about you. I’m not sure why we’re still not pregnant and that makes me wonder if you have kept to your end of the bargain.”
Shaking my head vigorously, I almost shout, “I promise I haven’t taken anything. How could I, you flushed the pills away?”
He raises his eyes and says angrily, “I’m not sure I can trust you. You like your secrets and this may just be another. You had better pray for a miracle soon because my patience is running out.”
He heads off leaving me shaking. Why is he doing this? I’ve done everything he asked and more. There hasn’t been a night gone by where he hasn’t expected me to do my ‘duty’, as he puts it. I haven’t complained and if I’m not pregnant yet, it’s not because of anything I’ve done. Maybe I can’t have children, that would actually be a blessing in disguise. Maybe he can’t provide them, a fact that would be the best kind of payback. The fact I’m so stressed probably has a lot to do with it as I wait for the inevitable to happen and seal my fate forever.
We eat in silence as my stomach churns thinking of the evening ahead. This is a disaster. I know what will happen. Past friends will reminisce about old times. Bring up old misdemeanours and past boyfriends. Richard will charm the stories from them which they will only be too happy to spill. When he wants to, Richard can be the most charming man on earth. It’s why he’s such a good solicitor. People tell him things they shouldn’t and I will pay the price. I was certainly no Angel at school. I had my usual share of parties and guys I dated. I’m pretty sure Richard won’t like any of the stories from my past and that’s what scares me the most. Whatever he hears will send him into a rage when we return. I may as well accept that my stay in the punishment room will be a lengthy one because he is not going to like what he hears one bit.
I dress conservatively and his eyes gleam as I join him downstairs. He pulls me close and says huskily, “You look amazing, baby. When you make the effort, it reminds me of why I fell in love with you.”
He runs his fingers around my waist and says with longing, “I hope your underwear is as impressive because I am going to enjoy ripping it off you later.”
The predatory look he throws me sickens me. Not his look, I’m used to that but the ever-present longing that shoots through me when he directs that gaze at me. I know Richard desires me. It’s evident by the way he looks at me. The trouble is, it sickens me because I am no different. Whatever this relationship is that we share it’s twisted because I loathe and love him in equal measures. I desire him and he repulses me and I could kill him but would mourn the loss. My head is screwed and there is no way back because I am a ruined woman.
We take my car because Richard informed me his was low on petrol. It makes no difference because what we arrive there in is of no consequence. As I sit meekly beside him, he says irritably, “I don’t know how you can live with yourself. This car is a mess. Look at the smears on the windscreen and I saw some dirt on the mat. The seat is too far forward, and it smells of stale air and your inadequacy.”
I say nothing, there’s no point. It would only serve to anger him prior to our evening and there will be more than enough there to stoke the flames of my looming punishment.
As the radio plays, he sneers, “I told you only to listen to classical music. This music is of no benefit whatsoever. How on earth are you expected to raise my children when you listen to trash like this?”
He turns the station to his usual classical one and the haunting music plays through the speakers, loud and spellbinding.
The light has gone and the darkness of night has set in. The headlights pick out the shadows of the familiar as we pass by.
My heart starts thumping as we head towards Gander Green lane. Tonight, I can take a lingering look at the house that holds all the answers to me and stare into the window before they close the curtains on the night. We turn into the street and Richard says suddenly. “I heard from Mr Jenkins today.”
My mind snaps to attention as he says airily, “Your redundancy has come through and your last day will be Friday. They’ll be paying the money straight into our joint account, so don’t go getting any ideas.”
I hold my breath as I stutter, “What do you mean?”
He laughs. “I know how your mind works and if I know my stuff, you were hoping to keep that money for yourself. I’m not an idiot, Sarah. I know you’re planning on leaving me and I won’t have it. You can plot and plan all you like but I will never let you go. We are married, and that’s forever in my book. If you leave, I will find you and the fact I have to go to so much trouble to control you shows me how unstable you really are.”
I’m not sure why but something snaps inside me. Maybe this is the last straw of many, or maybe it’s because I’m in the street I feel at home in but I shout, “How dare you!”
There’s a sudden silence in the car and I feel the red mist descending as I shout, “Five years I’ve put up with you. Five years you’ve worn me down and made my life a misery. I’ve done everything you’ve ever asked of me and more and what do I get? I get a fucked-up husband who thinks this is a marriage. Well, it’s not, it’s a dictatorship. It’s a world with no forgiveness. You have belittled me, bullied me and made me into a shadow of my former self. I’ve done everything you’ve ever asked of me and it’s still not good enough. Well, I’ve had enough. Do you hear that Richard, enough? You can stick your marriage and perfect life where the sun doesn’t shine because I want a divorce.”
It happens so quickly I don’t have time to react. I feel the stinging blow knock my head against the window as Richard punches me hard in the face. My vision blurs as I hear him yell, “You don’t get to talk to me like that. I own you, Sarah and that will never change. You will never divorce me because I would rather kill you first.”
I’m not sure what happens next because everything happens so quickly. A flash of yellow draws my attention as I see the little gate open. Then a shape runs out into the road and I scream. “Richard, look out!”
I watch in horror as the little dog’s frightened eyes are caught in our headlights as we bear down on him. Th
en I hear myself scream as a larger shape follows him. The sound of the brakes screeching adds to my screams. I see her looking me straight in the eye as we hit. I stare at the woman who means so much to me, as the car hits her body and propels it over the windscreen. My cries are drowned out by the sound of metal crunching and the radio blaring. The car hits something and pushes me forward and my head hits the screen and I feel a sudden pain as the glass breaks and shatters all around me. There is a smell of fuel and the sound of pain mingled with shock.
For a moment I am blinded by a light and then there is silence.
Chapter 10
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. Mark Twain
My heart races out of control as I make to exit the car. A hand reaches out and grabs hold of my arm and Richard screams, “You stupid bitch, look what you’ve done.”
I look around and stare at him in horror. Blood is dripping from his head onto my hand and he pulls me to him and screams. “You did this, you, Sarah. You’ve caused this accident and you’re taking the blame.”
I stare at him in shock and then in the light from the headlights, I make out a shape slumped on the ground outside. I gasp and struggle to free myself, screaming, “What have you done?”
He yells, “You did this, remember, it was you. You’ve killed that woman and will pay the ultimate price.”
I break free and race to the still shape on the ground. Sobs wrack my body as I rush to her side. There is blood everywhere and I sink to my knees and scream. “Help us, please, help us.”
I hold the woman in my arms and my tears fall onto her lifeless body. She looks so serene and peaceful. There isn’t a mark on her, yet the blood runs through my hands like Satan’s river. I stroke her head and say desperately, “Please come back to me. I’m so sorry. Please, don’t die.”