by M J Hardy
My father stands and punches a button to the left of the bed and I stare at it in disbelief. The panic button, why is it here? Is officer Jones being called to take me away? My mother reaches out and hugs me tightly. “I’m so sorry, Sarah. I wish things were different but all I care about is that you’re safe and well.”
Tony enters with my father and I look at him in surprise. “Tony, why are you my doctor? You’re a police officer.” My voice breaks. “You left me. You never came back.”
He smiles kindly and sits beside me on the bed. “Sarah, you’re confused. It’s not uncommon for patients who have been in a coma to experience things in their subconscious. Everything that happened prior to the accident has mixed with events afterwards and created memories that are distorted.”
I look at him in disbelief. “Are you saying I’ve been dreaming? All of this… the last few weeks. Everything I went through… was in my… head?”
He nods and I sink back against the pillows struggling to understand what they’re telling me. “But the girl, Ellie Matthews, she’s real… right?”
Tony shakes his head. “There was no girl, Sarah. It was just you and your husband. A witness saw you arguing as you turned into Gander Green lane. Another one saw your husband punch you in the face and your head hit the window. Then they saw him lose control of the car and the car hit a nearby tree at speed. Your husband wasn’t wearing a seatbelt and was projected through the windscreen. A passer-by found you and pulled you from the car. There was nobody else there.”
The tears fall freely as everything slots into place. We didn’t kill the girl. She wasn’t there. Richard died and the last few weeks have all been in my mind.
The next day my parents visit again and I can tell they have something on their mind. I recognise the awkward looks and say wearily, “What is it?”
My mum shakes her head and looks worried. “I’m sorry, Sarah. We didn’t want to say anything yesterday because we thought it would all be too much to take in.”
I feel worried and she smiles reassuringly. “I’m sorry darling but yesterday was Richard’s funeral. They had to go and organise it because nobody knew if you would… I mean… ever come around.”
She looks so worried and I shake my head. “Was Richard buried or cremated, mum?”
She shakes her head sadly. “Cremated darling.”
My mind struggles to get a grip as I whisper, “What time?”
She looks surprised. “I’m not sure, I think it was around the same time you woke up.”
I just stare into space as I remember back to yesterday – in my head, anyway. Richard was there all the time. He said so. He was always in my head since that fateful night. He never left me just like he said and it was only when he was set on fire, I was rid of him for good. That was what happened. Richard burned to set me free. It all makes sense. He controlled me to the very end. He tried to take me with him. He tried to drag me with him in death, hoping my heart would give out. Hoping I wouldn’t pull through and he could chain me to him in the afterlife.
I whisper, “I was too strong for you, Richard. You never won; it was me.”
Now I know why the house was in my name alone. I am the survivor. I was always going to be. Nothing he could do could change that fact and I will live where he has died. I have won.
I feel a lightness to my spirit that hasn’t been there for some time as the reality sinks in. However, the looks on my parents faces tells me they haven’t finished yet.
“My mum blinks away the tears as she says shakily, “I’m sorry darling but they couldn’t save the baby.”
I just stare at her in shock. The baby. What baby?
I think back to the crib rocking in the punishment room. The sounds of the newborn baby filling my head and I say shakily, “What baby?”
My mother s voice breaks as she says, “You were pregnant, darling. In the early stages but still a few weeks gone. I’m so sorry.”
I turn my head to the side and blink away the tears. I was pregnant – with Richard’s baby. The one thing he wanted above everything and the one thing that would chain me to his side forever. I lost our baby and I hate myself for feeling an overwhelming sense of relief that I did.
My parents say nothing and let me grieve but I feel like a fraud. How can I grieve for something I never wanted in the first place? Richard’s baby would have been a constant reminder of him and a situation I had no control of. I know part of that baby was me but it was the weak part of me I hated. No, I can’t grieve for something I never wanted. If it’s anything, the emotion I’m feeling is relief.
Chapter 26
Of all possessions a friend is the most precious. Herodotus
Two days later Gloria visits me. As I see her anxious face come through the door I smile. She races over holding a huge bunch of yellow roses and says with emotion, “Thank God, Sarah. I’ve been so worried about you.”
As she leans over to hug me, I smile and say warmly, “Thank you, Gloria.”
She blushes a little and waves her hand, “For what?”
“For being here for me through this whole ordeal. The nurse told me you were my only visitor, well only welcome one, anyway.”
Apparently, Sylvia did visit me that day. The doctors had to pull her away when she attacked me while I lay in my coma. I don’t believe they pressed charges, but she was forbidden from contacting me again.
Gloria shakes her head. “They said you were only allowed one person to sit with you. I appointed myself even though the rest of the neighbours wanted to take a turn. You know, we’ve all been so worried about you. What happened was truly dreadful and when they told us Richard punched you, we were in total shock.”
I shrug. “That doesn’t matter.”
She looks at me guiltily. “It does matter, Sarah because I saw the signs and chose to ignore them. I saw the light had died in your eyes a long time ago and never thought to question it. Angela told us you were at the council offices that day and now we know why you were really there. We let you down because none of us spotted the signs and if we did, we chose to ignore them.”
I smile sadly. “Richard was clever. He started this lie a long time ago, and I never saw it coming. I’m guessing he fabricated a story of my mental stress over not being able to get pregnant and you put everything down to that.”
She nods. “We were afraid to raise the subject because he told us it would do more harm than good. I feel so bad about it, which is probably why I wanted to be here for you now.”
She reaches out and we clasp our hands together which means more to me than any words she can say.
I smile gratefully. “Thank you for the clothes and other things you brought. My mum told me you’re the one who was responsible for the personal items and the pyjamas and dressing gown. You are so kind.”
She shrugs. “As I said, I wanted to help. A little late but I got there in the end.”
I’m not sure if I should say anything but I have to know.
“I’m sorry to ask this, Gloria, but what happened on the night of your 30th birthday?”
I see her cheeks blush and she looks uncomfortable. I smile reassuringly and she sighs. “I’m sorry but things got a little out of hand. When you left, we carried on the party and I blame it on the alcohol because I let them do things they shouldn’t. When I woke the next morning, I was so ashamed.”
She looks mortified and says quickly, “I promise you it only happened the once and signified the beginning of the end of my marriage.”
I nod in agreement. “Same.”
She looks shocked. “What, why?”
I shrug and says lightly, “Richard was never the same after that night. He told me I had let him down, and he spent the rest of our marriage punishing me for not being the perfect wife.”
She shakes her head and says in a small voice, “I’m sorry.”
Grasping her hand tightly, I say softly, “Why did it affect your marriage?”
She sighs heavily. “Because afte
r that night, Edward saw me differently. Even though he was the one who set the whole thing up, he couldn’t come to terms with what we did… what we all did. He hated the image of me with another man and we had terrible arguments. I suppose that’s why I started something with Byron. My marriage was now a sham, and I craved a man’s affection.”
I have to know and say, “Did you ever… um… you know… with Richard after that night?”
She looks shocked. “No, I swear we never. It was only the once, and I felt so ashamed I couldn’t look him in the eye for months. After a while, the memory faded but the recriminations just increased. If I was glad about one thing it was that you were never dragged into it. I never thought for one moment that he was doing what he did to you. None of us did. I thought you were the lucky one. You had escaped the madness, and I thought we had all learned a valuable lesson that night. Once again, it appears I was wrong.”
For a while, we sit together and talk things through. We discuss everything that happened to us both and I discover that Gloria has suffered in her own way just as much as I did. If anything, it makes us stronger and cements our friendship for the future. I learn that she’s divorcing Edward who has already moved in with another woman who he has been seeing for years. She doesn’t seem upset by that and is just looking forward to the future – as am I.
Overall, I spend one more week in the hospital and on the day I leave, I walk between my parents to the car. They are driving me home to the place I feared for so long.
We turn into Gander Green lane and I stare at the pretty house that holds such a dear place in my heart. As we make to move past, I say loudly, “Stop.”
My mother looks worried and I smile reassuringly. “Please. I just need a moment.”
They leave me alone as I walk to the little picket fence. I stand beside it as I look out into the road that looks so peaceful now. Only good things happen in Gander Green lane, that hasn’t changed. It delivered me my freedom which is why I will always be grateful to it.
As I stare at the spot where the accident happened, I’m aware that the little gate behind me opens. Spinning around, I see a man coming out looking at me curiously.
He smiles and says gently, “You’re Sarah Standon, aren’t you?”
I look at him in surprise and say, “Yes, how do you know?”
Offering me his hand, he says warmly, “I was there the night of the accident and was the first one on the scene and called the police. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
As I take his hand, I remember the strong arms that pulled me away from the body I cradled in my arms. I remember those arms wrapping me in safety and promising that everything would be alright. The voice is familiar and brings comfort to my soul. His eyes are kind and his face gentle and strong. The tears once again form in my eyes as I whisper, “Thank you.”
He looks embarrassed. “For what? I did what any other person with an ounce of compassion would do.”
Just for a moment, I stare into those eyes and see something so precious it takes my breath away. He is different. Not all men are like Richard, I can see that now. Some men are kind, genuine and compassionate and I was just unlucky to find the opposite.
As I shake his hand, I say softly, “You know, I often used to see your wife when I drove by every day.”
He looks confused. “I’m sorry, you must be mistaken. I live alone.”
I stare at him in confusion and he smiles gently. “Maybe you’ve mistaken it for next door. A lady lives there, although she’s much older than me.”
I remain silent but I know what I saw. I can see my parents waiting and smile. “Anyway, thank you, Mr…?”
He smiles. “Matthews. Sam Matthews.”
Epilogue
Twenty years Later
“I’m off mum.”
“Remember to take your coat. It’s chilly out there and you’ll catch your death if you go without one.”
I hear her laughter echo through the rooms of the small cottage.
“You worry too much.”
Rolling my eyes, I say firmly, “I mean it, do as I say for once in your life.”
She shrugs on the huge padded coat and smiles. “I won’t be long. One circuit of the park and then I’ll be back.”
Nodding, I say firmly, “Make sure that’s all because we have a lot to do before the guests arrive.”
As she heads towards the door, I smile. My daughter, the person I love unconditionally and the one I would do absolutely anything for to make her life her a happy one. Today is her 18th birthday and we have invited the whole family. My parents, her friends and Uncles and Aunts. Yes, there is a lot to prepare.”
Sam comes in from the garden and slings a strong arm around my shoulders, kissing me gently on the cheek. “Hey, babe. I could murder a coffee.”
I smile. “Sure. Have you sorted the gazebo out outside?”
He nods with amusement. “Yes.”
“Have you mowed the lawn?”
“Yes.”
“Have you watered the plants?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
He grabs hold of me and as I wriggle in his arms, he kisses me deeply and I melt into him. My husband. The one I was always meant to marry.
“Yuk, for goodness sake I’m trying to eat breakfast here.”
Laughing, we look over at Grady our son and I say teasingly, “What’s the matter, don’t you like seeing how much your parents love each other?”
He pretends to gag. “Disgusting. You’re too old to have feelings.”
Laughing, Sam ruffles his hair and pretends to get him in a headlock. Just for a minute, I watch them fooling around and smile to myself. I love this. I love them all – my family.
Nineteen years ago, I married Sam Matthews. We kept in touch and discovered a connection that neither of us could ignore. We married quickly and I moved into the house in Gander Green lane where we have lived ever since.
We have a happy life here and we used the money from 15 Richmond Avenue to pay off the mortgage and invest in rental properties nearby. Part of the money I received was donated to a shelter helping victims of domestic abuse and I volunteer there most days, helping women much like I was. My family mean everything to me and as I always thought, life in Gander Green lane is just perfect.
I spy the hat on the side and grabbing it, run to the front door. As I open it, I see my daughter heading through the picket gate with Bobby our little black terrier. As I see them my heart bursts with love for my perfect daughter who brings me so much joy. As Bobby barks at the cat across the road, her laughter floats across to me and I smile. Then I call, “Ellie, you forgot your hat.”
She looks back and our eyes connect. She smiles as she did many years previously and I see the genuine love shining out from them as she says, “Thanks, mum. I promise I won’t be long.”
I throw her the hat and she catches it as it sails over the little picket fence. As she turns to jog down Gander Green lane everything is perfect as I always knew it would be.
The end
Before you go
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