Sinner (Starlight Book 3)

by D. N. Hoxa

  “Isn’t it wonderful,” she stated, but it definitely didn’t sound like she meant it. Instead, she rubbed her hands together like she’d made the deal of her life. I was already regretting my decision.

  “Thomas Hart,” I reminded her, anxious to get this over with and get the hell out of there already.

  “Ah, yes. Thomas, the shifter,” she started, chuckling. “Such a handsome man, but a man, nonetheless. Mara had it easy with him, that filthy succubus.”

  Nijaria laughed with all her heart. Mara was the demoness Kyle had told me about. I’d seen her name on the summoning spell he gave me.

  “As a succubus, Mara seduced him, and he, like the naïve fool that he was, gave her his heart and body. It was not surprising, really, since his mother, too, had done the same. Thomas’s own father is an incubus,” Nijaria continued, giggling like she was telling the most amazing and hilarious story of all times.

  But what she was saying didn’t make sense. Thomas had seemed like such a mature man. He obviously knew that relations of any kind with a succubus were prohibited and with reason. The female sex demons sucked your life out of you during any sexual act.

  “But Thomas was a shifter,” I whispered. I’d felt him as a shifter, and I was a hundred percent sure of it.

  “That is what I said,” Nijaria said. “But he was also part demon.” My heart began to beat like it wanted out of my chest already. “That is why Thomas was able to impregnate Mara.”

  Shut up, I wanted to shout at her, but my voice was no longer working. This was too much. But it still wasn’t enough for Nijaria…

  “Lucky for me, Mara owed me her firstborn.”

  I jumped to my feet as the blood boiled in my veins. This couldn’t be it. She was lying. She was lying through her teeth because it wasn’t possible.

  Fey cannot lie, an ugly voice whispered in my ear, but it didn’t matter because this one was. She was a liar.

  “Leaving already?” Nijaria asked me, smiling secretly. As if she knew that I was going to have to fight with myself over this and decide to stay in the end because I’d heard too much and I needed to hear more. I needed to hear it all.

  I sat back down.

  “Go on,” I forced myself to say.

  “Well, like I said, the succubus owed me her firstborn as part of a deal we made a few centuries back. So she carried Thomas’s seed because she knew I would come to collect,” she said proudly, pointing her finger at her temple. “And when the baby was born, I did. Adorable little bunny, he was. I had great things in mind for him.”

  Nijaria was looking up at the ceiling and smiling to herself as if she was having one of the best memories of her life.

  “But the shifter found me. He asked for his son back, that silly man. And I asked him! I told him, what are you going to do with a half demon in your arms?! You know what your momma went through because of you! But he wouldn’t hear. He wanted the baby at any cost. Still, I don’t regret it. It was one of the best deals I ever made. I got the shifter’s immortality for the toddler.”

  She finished and then started laughing hysterically. Again.

  “Wait,” I said, ready to bet my life that my ears weren’t functioning well. “What do you mean, you got the shifter’s immortality?” I asked her, sure that she had misspoke the word. But she nodded her head.

  “Yes. Thomas’s father is a very strong incubus. Thomas inherited his immortality.”

  “Thomas Hart is dead,” I hissed.

  “Sad to hear.” She definitely didn’t look sad. “He would’ve lived forever had he not given me his immortality in exchange for his little devil.”

  I couldn’t breathe anymore. I stood up and started walking without direction.

  “Sit down, girl,” Nijaria called me, but I couldn’t listen. What she was saying was absurd! Thomas…Aaron couldn’t be a demon. He didn’t look like a demon. I would’ve felt it if…

  Suddenly, I remembered the dream and something inside me snapped. I abruptly turned and took the fairy by her shoulders. She didn’t seem the least bit intimidated.

  “How did you get Thomas’s immortality? How the fuck is that possible?”

  “Let go of me, silly girl,” Nijaria said with a smile, and I did. I pushed her back and paced around the room because I couldn’t stand in one place.

  “How?”

  “It is what I do. I trade years of life. And it was a perfectly fair deal, as those are the only ones I make.” Uh…right.

  “Are you sure? Absolutely, positively sure that the toddler is a…demon?” My voice broke twice in the last sentence.

  “Sit down,” she said, pointing at the recliner where I had sat. But she didn’t understand.

  “Tell me!” I said, taking a step closer to her.

  Nijaria actually rolled her eyes. “Yes, of course I’m sure. Both his granddaddy and his mommy are straight-from-the-underground demons. He’s as much a demon as it gets,” she said with a sigh.

  “And he is immortal?”

  “Yes. He is an immortal demon-shifter. Awful combination, if you ask me,” she mumbled.

  My mind was not my own. The things I’d felt in Aaron those couple of times he’d lowered his shields were slowly starting to make sense. The way he felt to me, dark and silent, like a mystery—a secret…but, no. I didn’t let it make sense because it wasn’t true. I refused to believe that Aaron was a demon. He had a good heart. He was a good man.

  “I have to go,” I told Nijaria who had stopped laughing and was now looking ahead and thinking about God knows what.

  “So soon?” I just nodded. “You didn’t finish your drink.”

  I looked at the brown cup on the small table before I rolled my eyes. “I might be cold, Nijaria, but I’m not stupid.”

  “Are you sure about that?” she said, smiling evilly and the familiarity of her face hit me again, hard in my gut. I turned my back on her and headed for the door, with no idea where the hell I would be going. I just needed to move. “Kill her for me, Star!” Nijaria called after me, and while my hand was on the doorknob, I turned to meet her eyes for what I hoped would be the last time.

  “How did you know me?” Fairies couldn’t feel other supernaturals. Even halfs had a hard time determining me. “And why do I feel like I’ve seen you before?”

  Nijaria smiled widely. “Of course I know you. I gave birth to you, silly girl. But I can assure you that you’ve never seen me before. I gave you to your human father when you were two days old.”

  This time, I started laughing hysterically.

  And once I started, I couldn’t stop.

  Her words rang loudly in my ears, trying to connect with some part of my brain, desperate to make sense. She actually thought she was my mother! It was so much, I couldn’t hold it in me.

  A hand on my shoulder, and I was pulled forward.

  Fey can’t lie.

  I couldn’t stop laughing or control my body. So I let Nijaria drag me back to the seats and then put the brown mug in my hands.

  “Drink it.” The rim of the mug touched my lips, but I couldn’t drink because I was laughing. Or was I crying? I was definitely doing something that had my body shaking violently, but I couldn’t tell.

  “Stop it, you foolish girl. Drink the damn tea!” Nijaria shouted, and I finally swallowed a mouthful of what tasted like green tea without sugar.

  I must’ve drank it all to the last drop because when I did, my body was no longer shaking. No, I was now thinking clearly again.

  “You think you’re my mother,” I said, more to myself than to her.

  “I’m the fairy who gave birth to you—let’s not confuse the two,” Nijaria said.

  Suddenly, it hit me hard across my whole body. Her face was all I could see. The familiar face that I was sure I had seen before, but I hadn’t known where.

  I knew now.

  She seemed familiar because she looked like me.

  A terrible noise went on in my head.

  “No…” was all I co
uld think and all I was able to whisper. I couldn’t move a single muscle.

  No! Not possible. Mom is my mother—not a fucking fairy. No!

  “Stop whining like a little girl, you fool!” Nijaria said, but I couldn’t see her anymore from the tears on my eyes. “This is exactly why I gave all of you away!” she continued. “Although, if I’d known you would turn out to be the Elemental, I might’ve even kept you.” Silence for a second. “Yeah, probably not.”

  My head kept shaking on its own accord. The weight of the world had fallen on my shoulders. Nothing mattered anymore. Not the RR, not Samayan, not anything. Everything lost its shine for my eyes.

  “I need to get out of here,” I whispered, but she heard me.

  “How will you go?”

  “I’ll walk.” I stood up. It was easier than I thought it would be to stand. I felt like a ghost—light as air.

  “You will walk to the mortal realm?” Nijaria asked me and then started laughing again.

  But I couldn’t have cared less. I didn’t care about anything anymore, so I just kept walking to the door.

  “If you’re patient enough, I might know where a portal nearby is,” she said, but really, I didn’t even let her words register in my brain. I didn’t want a portal. I wanted to walk on the snow again, and hopefully, maybe freeze to death.

  But when I got out in the cold air, I didn’t feel cold anymore. I didn’t feel anything. The fairy followed me outside.

  “Come on,” she called, heading east with her furry coat on her shoulders. I followed because what else was I going to do?

  My mother was an Unseelie fairy who traded years of life for a living. She had given birth to me. Her blood coursed in my veins, but it didn’t even feel like blood anymore. I was made out of mud.

  When she stopped in front of yellow brick wall, I stopped, too. The thing was tall, but I had no desire to look around and see where we were. The fairy put her palms on faded yellow bricks and started chanting something under her breath.

  Soon enough, the portal opened just like it had last time with Aaron. Back in the time when Mom was still my mother. Back when everything made sense.

  “Think of where you want to go, and if you’re lucky, it’ll take you there,” Nijaria said, grinning, and she didn’t seem to care whether I would make it through the portal or not. She turned around and went back where we came from.

  “My mother…” I whispered but my voice trailed off. No, that wasn’t right. So I tried again. “The woman who raised me…” It was impossible to finish that sentence.

  “Ah, yes. The human who seemed to love you for whatever reason, though you weren’t even her own. But humans were never reasonable creatures,” Nijaria said. “She even gave me some years of her life for a forgetting potion for your father because he just felt so bad for being a cheater and would rather forget all about it.”

  This time, everything in me moved down to the last cell of my body. A blink later, I was in front of the fairy, and Bob’s tip pierced the skin under her chin just a little.

  That sure stopped her laugh. Her eyes, so dark, poured into mine. It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror, seeing her that close. I broke apart all over again because I despised myself more than I ever had before. Whoever I’d become, I always knew that at least a part of me was good because it had come from my mom.

  What a fucking joke.

  “If it wasn’t for you, she would’ve lived…” I whispered because it hurt so much to say the words. Because, they weren’t true, and the fairy couldn’t wait to say it out loud while she laughed.

  “No, if it wasn’t for you, she would’ve still lived.”

  Before I could control myself, I buried Bob in her stomach. She gasped and doubled over when I began to twist Bob while the knife was still inside her. I called on air and I called on water and earth like I doubted I ever had before, and for the first time, I felt completely evil.

  “You…are going to…kill me? Your own…mother?” Nijaria whispered as she, too, called on the snow and the ice around us. But she was weak. Too weak, and the bloodstained snow around her showed it. She couldn’t maintain a connection strong enough if her life depended on it.

  But it didn’t. Because as much as I wanted to pull Bob out and slice her heart and call on the elements to help me finish her off, I couldn’t do it. I was a coward, one who couldn’t end the fairy.

  So I pulled Bob out of her body and watched her fall to her knees, gasping.

  “You are not my mother.”

  I ran to the portal, and without bothering to even close my eyes, I jumped inside.

  “Don’t forget about our deal!” Nijaria called, a split second before the Fairy Realm disappeared, and I fell on my knees somewhere hard and I couldn’t get up.

  I don’t know how long I stayed like that. I just knew that the pain had turned me numb. All I could think about was that Mom was not my mother. After everything I’d done, I always was proud that I had her. She had given me will to live even after she died, because I knew she’d be watching me from up above. Because I was her daughter. But I wasn’t…and I couldn’t put my feelings into words. I put it all in my big, warm tears.

  When I finally gathered some strength to look up, I found that I was in my room at the Base. I would’ve really been surprised and maybe even wondered how it was that the portal knew where to take me. But not today

  With Mom’s picture against my chest, I somehow managed to sit on my bed. She sometimes seemed to smile at me in the picture. Sometimes, I could even swear she was laughing. Other times, she was yelling at me and then smiling a sorry smile my way. She even moved her hand every once in a while—courtesy of the tears that kept streaming from my eyes.

  Soon, someone was in front of me. I could feel them, but I didn’t care enough to look. A hand grabbed my shoulder, and a voice called my name. The name that my mother, who was not, gave to me.

  I didn’t answer. What was the point, really?

  Hands on my face. They were cold, or maybe it was just me.

  “Star, look at me,” the voice said, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to look at the picture. “Star, please. Talk to me,” he begged and he sounded desperate. Desperate enough to make me look up.

  Ocean-blue eyes reflected my face. They held in them so many emotions, but it meant nothing. They were just emotions. Fragile things, so easily broken.

  “Talk to me, damn it!” he insisted, so I did.

  “Mom is not my mother.” There. Now he’d see that the world had ended.

  I kept my eyes on him for a while, and I counted his lashes. There were exactly one hundred and thirty four on his upper eyelid, and ninety-three on his lower one. He kept calling me, but I decided to start counting the lashes on his other eye. It was easy. Distracting.

  “Listen to me, Star…” he was saying, but I didn’t. Nothing he could say could make me feel better.

  An arm went under my knees. Another around my waist. Whatever he thought he was doing, I couldn’t care enough to ask or even look, but something soft and cold touched my cheek. Pillow. Then, something warm pressed against my back. A body. An arm appeared around my middle. A hand caressed my hair, and I counted each time his skin made contact. And after that, I counted the veins in his big hand and the wrinkles on his knuckles.

  Then I counted the times I had cried.

  I counted the times she had hugged me. I counted each and every one of her kisses.

  I counted the nights I had nightmares and the nights she slept in my bed because I was scared. I counted the times she had looked at me, angry. I counted the times she had yelled at me and the times she said she was sorry. I counted the times she sang to me. I counted the times she read to me. I counted the tears I shed for her. I counted the days without her, the minutes, the seconds…I counted my life, my years of living and then those of simply existing. I counted the love I had for her, for my mother who was not.

  ***

  I could hear him breathing before
I realized my head was on his chest. The warmth coming out of his body almost brought a smile to my lips.

  Until I remembered.

  Bile rose in my mouth again, but this time, I couldn’t stop it. I stood up with a jolt and ran to the bathroom. I dropped on my knees in front of the toilet and opened my mouth, ready.

  Nothing. Nothing came out of my mouth. I only spit saliva.

  “Here,” Aaron said from behind me, handing me a glass of water. I reluctantly took it, hoping it would take the sour taste of my mouth away. When that didn’t help and the water tasted like dirt, I put some toothpaste on my toothbrush with shaking hands. Aaron stood by me the whole time but never said a word.

  When I made it back to the room to my bed, Aaron kneeled in front of me, his eyes filled with sadness and concern.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Like shit.”

  For some reason, that made Aaron shake his head. “You scared the hell out of me.”

  This time, I laughed—if that scream-like sound could even be called a laugh. He was a demon and scaring the hell out of him actually made sense.

  “What time is it?” I asked, just to say something.

  “Four in the morning,” he said. “November, six.”

  He raised his brow at me like that was supposed to mean something to me. It didn’t, so I didn’t say anything.

  “You’ve been sleeping for two days,” he tried again, but he didn’t understand. I just shrugged.

  “I don’t remember.”

  “You don’t remember?”

  I just shook my head.

  “Probably because you mostly slept. And you counted a lot,” he whispered. “What happened, Star?”

  He squeezed my hands that had somehow found their way to his.

  “Mom is not my mother.”

  “How is your mother not your mother?” Trying to explain it all to him seemed exhausting so I just shook my head. “You need to tell me, Star. You need to get it off your chest. It’ll help you, trust me.”

  “But I don’t want any help,” I said reluctantly.

  Aaron sat on my bed right next to me. “Then help me. I want to know,” he said. And when he put it like that…