by D. N. Hoxa
“A fairy who lives in a tree trunk and looks just like me is my mother. Not mom, a fairy.” A filthy fairy. Everything I was, or I thought I was, I wasn’t. Everything I’d built in my life hadn’t really been built. It all had been an illusion.
“How do you know?” Aaron asked.
“Because she told me.”
“She told you?” I nodded.
“She did, right after she told me about your dad and about you. You’re half demon. And did you know that your father sold his immortality to her for you? Because your mother, the demoness, had promised her, her firstborn—which was you. Anyway, she was happy about it. Said it was the best deal she ever made. Because she trades years of life for a living, so obviously it was profitable for her—”
“Star!” he cut me off and fell down on his knees in front of me again.
“What?” I asked before I even realized how glossy his eyes had become. Something tightened around my insides, but I couldn’t figure out what. So I started to count his tears.
“Your mother is Nijaria?”
“You know her?” I asked in surprise. If he did, maybe he could understand after all.
He shook his head, and a tear dropped on my knee as he lowered his head. I framed his face because I wanted him to look at me when he put his arms around my waist and crashed onto me. I gasped. My legs parted, and he came closer until his head rested on my chest.
“I’m so sorry, Star. So sorry,” he whispered as I hugged him to me and caressed his hair as if I’d done it a thousand times already. “I should have told you.”
“Tell me what?” I whispered against his hair.
“About me,” he said and slowly unwrapped himself from around me. I frowned for a second, but he sat next to me and pulled me to him until I was completely leaning against his chest. Then he kissed my hair.
“You mean that you are a demon?”
His body froze for a long second. “Yeah,” he reluctantly whispered.
“It’s okay.” It didn’t matter now. It wouldn’t have mattered before, either.
“No, it’s not. I should’ve told you. Then, maybe you wouldn’t have gone to the Otherworld to find out about me. You wouldn’t have…” found out about your mother, he wanted to say but didn’t. Maybe he felt bad for me. Maybe he felt sorry. But if I hadn’t found out then, I would’ve found out eventually. There was no running away from things like that. I was surprised Nijaria hadn’t found me and told me earlier.
Right. She would’ve had to actually care to do that.
“Thomas was a brave man,” I whispered. He’d given away eternity for Aaron. Respect for him consumed me completely for a second.
“Yes, he was. And I should’ve been more like him. I should’ve been brave enough to tell you.”
I shook my head.
“I was just scared that you wouldn’t…understand. That you’d walk away from me, just like everyone else who ever found out.”
I looked up at him and was glad to see he was no longer crying. I didn’t want him in pain. Not ever. And I would’ve done anything to take it all away.
“I do understand. And I’m no better than you. Did you know that I am a vessel?” The words tasted terrible in my mouth. “I don’t have a soul. I’m technically a thing. And I didn’t tell you because I thought you wouldn’t understand.”
“That’s not true,” Aaron said, but he didn’t mean it. I heard it in his voice because he could hear it in mine. The truth of it. The heartbreak.
“It is.”
“How do you know?”
“I…” I started to say, but I stopped. I didn’t remember how I knew. I just…read it somewhere. Maybe. “…don’t really know.”
“Okay, that’s it,” Aaron said. When he stood up, he took me with him.
“What’s it?” I asked, confused.
“This!” he said, waving his hands all over me. “You need to clear your head, Star, and you need to do it now.”
But my head was clear. I didn’t feel bad. I just felt…empty.
There was nothing wrong with that.
But he didn’t let me say so. He pulled me into the shower and turned the shower on, right before he started to undress me.
“I, uh…I’m not trying to, uh…take advantage of the situation,” he mumbled nervously, then took my pajama top off and threw it on the bathroom floor. Next came the bottoms.
“So…um, really, don’t kill me when, you know…you’re, um…you again.”
Before any of his words could make sense to me, he turned the water on and closed the shower door. The water felt foreign to my body, like it no longer belonged to me. I heard it whisper, but I couldn’t decipher what it said. It just made me sadder. It made me feel less me than before. So a couple of minutes later, I turned the water off and got dressed as quickly as my body would let me. I realized then I needed to eat. My stomach was growling, and my body was shaking too much. I could barely stand on my feet.
When I finally made it out of the bathroom, a small scream escaped my lips.
Ella was sitting on my bed, watching me. When she saw my face, she immediately stood up and put her arms around me, much like Aaron had done earlier. A terrible, terrible thought invaded my mind.
Ella is not my sister, it said, and I wanted to scream all over again. But then she stopped hugging me. She was so much like mom. Everything about her was nothing but a copy. She was so beautiful that I couldn’t even look at her anymore. So I went to my bed, covered myself with my blanket and looked up at the ceiling.
So many light bulbs…I started to count them.
“Star, look at me,” Ella said. She sat on my bed again and held my hand. “Sit up.” But I couldn’t. I was still counting. “Star, sit up. Come on.”
When she realized I wasn’t about to move, she moved me herself.
“Talk to me. What is going on, Star? Whatever this is, you have to stop it. You’ve got us going crazy here,” she said, squeezing my hand tighter with every word.
“Mom is not my mother,” I said. Now that she knew, she would understand. But…
“Excuse me?”
“Mom is not—”
“No, I heard you just fine the first time. What I don’t get is how dare you say something like that!” she hissed.
Uh…“Because it’s the truth. I wasn’t born from her the way you were. Do you understand?”
Ella shook her head furiously. “So what if she didn’t give birth to you? She was still your mother!”
“No!” I shouted. She didn’t understand. Everything I thought I was…it was all just gone now.
“You better wake the fuck up, right now, Star. You’re freaking me out! What is happening to you?” she shouted right back, and her eyes were red and teary now. She looked very angry.
“You are not my sister,” I whispered.
“Of course I’m your sister!” she cried.
“No, you’re not.” Her small hands grabbed my cheeks, and she made me look at her again. Her face was so close I could clearly see every hair on her skin now. So I started to count.
“Look at me, Star! You are my sister, no matter who gave birth to you,” she said angrily. “You are my sister!” I’d heard her shout like that before, just as angrily. But I couldn’t remember where.
“Ella…” Aaron said as he walked over to us, but Ella stopped him.
“No, Aaron. Stay out of this,” she said, and he did. He went back to the wall immediately, his eyes filled with sadness. Eyes with dark blue bags under them.
Forty-eight hours. I had slept for forty-eight hours, 2880 minutes and exactly 172800 seconds. That was a lot of time to never sleep. To stay with me and caress my hair.
“Star, look at me, damn it,” Ella said, over and over again.
She probably didn’t sleep, either. I was hurting her. And Aaron. Both people that I loved.
That hadn’t changed, had it?
The answer came to me when someone slapped me hard on my left cheek, and my whole body fell to the side.
Every bell in my head started ringing. I heard them clearly now, and they weren’t whispering. They were shouting.
Aaron was calling Ella’s name and I heard her heavy breathing, but I couldn’t see them because my hair was on my face. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly. What the fuck have I done? I asked myself because I remembered everything. I remembered every word and every thought that had occurred in my head. I had slept for two fucking days!
“Shit!” I hissed at myself as my mind slowly unfroze and let go of that one stupid thought I’d held onto like it was keeping me alive. Mom is not my mother. Those words, that thought had lost me completely. And as Aaron and Ella watched me like they expected me to start counting again, I realized how big a fool of myself I’d made.
“If you dare say those words to me again, I swear—” Ella started, but I cut her off.
“I know. I know, and I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me, really. But I’m fine now. Thanks for slapping me.” If she hadn’t, who knew how much more time I would’ve wasted?
Ella’s mouth opened and closed in surprise a few times before she was able to speak. “Any time,” she said. “But you’re really fine, right? You know that Mom loved you, no matter who gave birth to you?”
Damn it, it hurt so much, I almost wished I lost it again, just to feel the numbness. Just to feel the emptiness.
“I know. Of course I know,” I said to Ella. “But we really need to get back to work.”
Now was not the time to sit around and think about my fucked up life. Now was the time to act. I grabbed a hair tie from the nightstand and pulled my hair away from my face.
Aaron was looking at me with a huge smile on his face. He looked relieved. Exhausted, but relieved. It sucked that I made him stay with me for two days. I might’ve not been awake, but I felt him there the whole time. And I was going to thank him. I was going to tell him I was forever in his debt for not letting Ella or my dad stay with me all night, but then…I remembered and blood rushed to my ears.
“You…” I said, pointing my index finger at him as I walked closer to where he was standing. “You took advantage of me, you jerk!”
Bright scarlet touched his cheeks, and he raised his hands in front of him. “I didn’t, I swear. I even told you that I wasn’t!” he stuttered.
“You told me?! You undressed me and saw me naked when I was technically unconscious!” I completely forgot that Ella was in the room, too, but I heard her try to stifle her laugh.
“I had to! You would’ve never done it by yourself. You needed a shower, Star. Trust me,” Aaron said, panic written in every line of his face. In that handsome face I loved so much.
My dreams had been right. He was half demon, and I couldn’t have cared less.
“Fine!” I said, only for show, because I did remember that he warned me. And that I needed a shower. Who knew how I smelled just an hour ago? Ugh.
“Yeah, that’s right. You should kick his ass. He didn’t let anyone get inside this room for two days. Not even me,” Ella complained, but I couldn’t look away from Aaron. He was now rubbing the back of his neck and looking awkwardly at the floor.
“You didn’t?”
“I didn’t know how you would react to people so I thought it was best to keep you here until you came around,” he said shrugging. “You’re probably mad but—”
“I’m not mad. You did exactly what I would’ve done. Thank you for staying with me, Aaron,” I said before I remembered something else and blew the moment again. My thanks surprised him more than I expected.
“No problem. I’m just glad you’re okay,” he whispered and put a string of hair that had fallen on my face behind my ear. His hand lingered on my cheek a second too long. I would’ve given so much just to be able to lean into it, to hug him again like we were the only people left in the world.
But I couldn’t. Thomas had literally given his life for Aaron. Who was I not to honor that?
So I swallowed hard, and I stepped back. This was going to suck big time, but at least for that moment, I had things to share that would take the focus off me. For a while.
“We have a problem,” I started, even though Ella was there and could hear me. “Samayan has been preparing an army of humans. He’s going to release the potion ahead of schedule.”
“How do you—”
“Kyahen,” I mumbled reluctantly. I wondered what he would think when he found out that I was half fey myself…Shit. I couldn’t let him find out. A secret. I hated those. They seduced people. Secrets drove curiosity, and for anyone to have anything over my head now was a very, very bad thing.
“We should keep it to ourselves for now,” Aaron said, again, as if he’d read my mind. But I wasn’t that surprised anymore. Not when I finally knew what he really was.
“Let’s get to the others.” I’d wasted enough time already and I couldn’t wait to be dressed and out the door.
9
Having gone through temporary insanity sure had its perks. At least that’s what I told myself. I felt calmer than I’d been before. Definitely a lot more rested. I moved better than I had in a very long time as we trained together. No better way of licking one’s wounds, if you asked me, than fighting.
Still, perks and all, I couldn’t allow something like that to happen to me again, not in times like these. And as I fought Aaron and had him on his back three times in one minute, I promised myself that I would do my best to never fall like that again.
When I asked Aaron if I could borrow his office for lunch, he told me I could, and that he’d be joining me. “I’m not leaving you out of my sight,” he said, and I didn’t know whether to be flattered about it or insulted. I wasn’t weak. Not anymore. I was in control of myself again, but I would also be lying if I said I didn’t appreciate his company.
So when lunch hour rolled around, I waved for Arturo to follow us out of the kitchen. We sat in Aaron’s office, all three of us. We had our plates filled with delicious looking potatoes and grilled steak. I was too nervous to be that hungry, but Aaron was looking at me like he was going to feed me himself if I didn’t eat. So I did.
“You probably know why I wanted us to eat here alone, Arturo,” I said to the Nephil, and he only nodded because his mouth was full. “We need every detail you can give us about the Binding Ceremony, like how many times can it be performed by one Nephil and exactly what happens to one after it’s done.”
I waited patiently while Arturo chewed and thought about it. He took his sweet time, too, but eventually, he began.
“Theoretically, the Binding Ceremony can be performed as many times as you’d like. But practically, it has never been performed more than once by one supernatural—any supernatural. The power would literally drive them insane. Not many can handle the enhancement, let alone the control,” Arturo said.
“So your powers are enhanced and you get to control the Nephil’s body, too? What, like possession or something?” Aaron asked, and Arturo nodded.
“Both his body and his mind, actually” he said. “Our power comes from our minds and releases through our body. The benefactor’s power doubles after the Ceremony—becomes one with the Nephil’s. And because he controls the Nephil’s body and power, he controls his mind as well.”
A shiver ran down my back at the thought of losing control of my own body. I’d tried a version of that and no, thank you. Demons did possess people, but control could last for only a few minutes at a time.
“See, once the Ceremony is performed, the Nephil willingly renounces his body. He surrenders his being to the benefactor—the person he binds himself to. Literally turns into a puppet with no mind of his own.”
Arturo flinched.
“Right,” I whispered. I couldn’t think of a reason why any Nephil would want to give up his own body and mind. It was like committing suicide. But I had seen people do weirder things. “What happens to, say, a vampire…if he performs the Binding Ceremony?” I asked as Samayan’s face drew itself in front of my eyes.
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“Well, a vampire has extremely enhanced senses so those would double. Also, a vampire is a creature of dark things, and possession would not be a hard task for him.” Arturo explained.
“But what if the vampire was really, really strong already?”
“Then, I guess everything about him would probably triple. His powers and his senses. He would be a super, even among the strongest of supernaturals,” Arturo said with a shrug, but I could see how his hands shook while they held the fork. It really was no surprise that his kind didn’t speak about the Binding Ceremony to anyone. I was thankful that Arturo was sharing this with us, and I wouldn’t forget it.
“You think Master Samayan has performed the Ceremony?” Arturo asked after a long second of silence, causing goose bumps to cover my arms. I nodded, looking down at my hands.
He dropped his fork on his plate and rested back in his chair, rubbing his face.
“Then we are screwed,” he concluded.
“Not necessarily,” I said, reluctantly.
“You don’t understand,” Arturo whispered, resting his elbows on his knees as the panic turned his eyes even darker. “If Master has bound himself to a Nephil, his power has already tripled. And if his power triples, there will be no one in this world who can defeat him. No one, bella.”
“Well, we can still try,” I mumbled as my heart picked up the beating.
I remembered Jespersen’s words and then what I’d read in Illyon. According to them, I was a portal to the power of the Sky. Whatever that was, I had to figure it out soon. I had to know exactly how I could use it, how strong it was, if it was stronger than three fucking Samayans.
“Star, I understand that you are the Elemental. Don’t get me wrong, but I would’ve believed you before. If you’re right and Samayan has bound himself to the power of Nephilim, even you are not going to be a match for him,” Arturo said reluctantly.
Jeez. Thanks, man, I wanted to say. Instead, I cleared my throat and took his comments as an adult.
“Nothing is impossible, Arturo.”
I didn’t want to tell them about what Jespersen said, or that I thought that Samayan had performed the Ceremony, but not with only one Nephil. I couldn’t until I was sure. But my hands kept shaking because a part of my brain knew that Arturo’s words were probably true.