by D. N. Hoxa
His face looked pale, and his eyes red and glossy, like he was on drugs. He had a weird expression on his face, but it wasn’t even close to how Dad and Ella had been. He tried to get his rifle back from me and ended up delivering a blow to my shoulder that would’ve hurt like a mother if I could’ve felt anything. But I didn’t because Aaron’s face, the second he looked at me with his wide, empty eyes, stayed in front of me at all times. I pushed my knee in his gut. He doubled over but didn’t speak. Didn’t even curse me.
He no longer even resisted when I stripped him down to his underwear. I couldn’t risk him being tracked. Once that was done, I pulled him by the arm to his feet, right before I threw up everything I had in my stomach. Tears had almost completely blinded me, and they wouldn’t stopped pouring, even when I began to drag the shifter over to Aaron’s body.
12
It felt like the more steps I took, the longer the way to him got. I didn’t know where I was anymore. I couldn’t see where the sky ended and ground began. I just walked. One step after the other.
I heard the noise before I could see the chopper. It didn’t bother me like it used to. I kept my eyes on my feet until, so long after, I reached them. I reached Jack. He was looking at me with wide eyes and with his arms reaching out, like he was afraid I was going to fall to the ground. He wasn’t wrong.
“Star, are you okay?” Jack asked.
I wanted to shout at him, to tell him that I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t going to be okay for a long time. But why would he care? What could he do? Nothing.
So I nodded. “Where is he?” The strong voice that came out of me caught me by surprise. I was expecting a whisper, or even less.
“Headed for the Base in the other chopper,” Jack said and took a step closer to me. I stepped back and put my hands in front of me. I didn’t need his sympathy. I didn’t need to be hugged. I didn’t even need to be loved. What I needed was revenge.
“Take him. He’s one of them,” I said and nodded at the shifter who was now on his knees right next to me. Without waiting for a reply, I headed for the black chopper.
I took my seat and watched Jack get the shifter comfortable. He fastened the seatbelt and then went to sit by the pilot, after giving me another sad, wide-eyed look. He kept his hands ready; I could see it from his muscles. He was waiting for me to faint, or die. Or just stop.
But I wasn’t going to. Not until I had Vladimir in my hands again.
***
Time had stopped for me before. I was young then. Inexperienced. But it had hurt a lot then, too. So when we arrived at the Base, the only thing I could think to do was exactly what I’d done when time had stopped that way before.
“Star, where you going?” Jack called after me.
I waved behind without looking. “I need a few…” I said but stopped because I didn’t know what I needed. Minutes? Days? Months? Years? I had no idea.
“It’ll be okay, Star. You’ll see. It’ll be fine,” he continued and stopped me in my tracks.
I smiled a sad smile, but I didn’t turn to look at him. My tears sprung out of my eyes eagerly. A deep breath later, I continued walking, passing tree after tree in the dark before I slipped and fell down on my ass. I stopped moving and looked around. Nothing seemed to be alive that deep into the woods that surrounded the monster building beneath which was the Base. Nothing made even the smallest sound, like they wanted to tell me that the next day would never come. That the sun was never going to shine again.
When I finally heard something, I was glad, up until I realized that it was coming from me. My body kept shaking and the big fat tears jumped out of my eyes, rolled down my cheeks and dropped on my lap. I lay there, immobile, and cried with my heart and with my body, loudly because I couldn’t care less if someone heard. I cried like I did when Mom died.
An hour passed, maybe more, and I tortured myself with thoughts that sucked the energy out of me. Until even my own body had enough. I needed to eat. I needed to sleep. I needed to rip Vladimir apart with my own hands.
I cleaned my face best I could before heading back to the Base eventually. I had no idea where I was, but I trusted my legs to find the way, and by some miracle, they did. I opened and closed the door in a rush, I walked in a rush, I thought in a rush because I was afraid that if I let my mind slow down for just a little bit, it would go back to Aaron’s face and not let go again. I couldn’t do that yet.
I kept my head down just in case I ran into someone in the hallways. But no one was there, just like in the woods. Probably because it still wasn’t even dawn. When I finally made it into my room, I rested my back on the door for a while with my eyes squeezed shut. I breathed in and out deeply until I felt safe enough from my own thoughts to open my eyes.
Aaron was sitting and watching me from the edge of my bed.
My first instinct was to run into his arms and hug him. God, I wanted nothing more than to do that, but then I realized what was going on and I sighed loudly.
“Great. I’m seeing things now,” I mumbled.
The image of Aaron stood up from my bed, and it would not look away from me. I did the same. In fact, I went without blinking for the longest time because I was afraid he’d disappear. I didn’t know how much my imagination would hold, but damn if I didn’t do a good job.
I walked closer to him and analyzed his every feature. He looked amazing, maybe too pale, but nobody was perfect.
“Damn, my imagination rocks,” I said to myself. He looked so real, it blew my mind all over again.
And then he began to laugh. He laughed that rich laugh of his, and it rung clearly and perfectly in my ears. I even had his laugh right, which was saying something, as I’d never before heard anything like it.
“How the hell do you make me laugh even after I’ve died?!” he said, and it was exactly what I’d expected him to do, but still, I was more and more impressed by the second. I took in every line of his face and memorized it because as much as I hated to admit it, this was probably the last time I was seeing him.
“You’ve cried,” Aaron said with the saddest voice I’d ever heard.
“Well, I actually bawled like a baby, but who cares, right?” Nobody had heard me.
And the image of Aaron my imagination so perfectly created laughed again, just for a second. “You shouldn’t cry, Star.”
That confused me a little because I didn’t imagine him to say that. Still, I shrugged. I wasn’t going to try and understand whatever part of my brain had triggered this reaction.
“You died,” I said, and my lip trembled. My head automatically went down because even if it was only an image of Aaron, I didn’t want him to see me cry. But his hand, that felt so fucking real, grabbed my chin and raised my head again.
“I don’t die,” he whispered.
“Right.” I sucked in all of the details about him, everything I feared I would forget.
“No, really. I don’t die,” Aaron repeated. I dared to close my eyes for a second and inhale deeply, just so I could sniff in his scent and see if my imagination had been good enough to fake it.
And it had. I smelled his scent of tangerine and summer and mystery…it was perfect. So I raised my hand and touched him, felt his skin under mine, and suddenly, I wasn’t so tired anymore. My legs no longer threatened to let go of me.
“God, you feel so real,” I whispered, completely amazed. I smiled widely, cherishing the extra moments I had been given with him from whoever was up there that still cared for me.
“That’s because I am real.” He grabbed both my hands in his, tightly. It felt so good that I almost forgot that…
No. I wasn’t going to waste those precious moments with him with bad thoughts.
“Really, Star. I’m here. I really am real,” he insisted.
He was so close now that I could clearly see the ocean waves in the blue of his eyes. They looked so alive and promising. I wondered if my imagination would know what to do if I kissed him…And it wasn’t like I was breaki
ng my promise to Thomas or anything, since Aaron of my imagination didn’t count.
“Sure you are,” I said, and I leaned in. I should kiss him. The thought echoed loudly in my mind. It was a now-or-never kind of moment, literally, so I thought, what the hell…“Might as well take advantage of it.”
The second our skins touched, fireworks invaded my body. Especially since he kissed me right back and hugged me to him. His arms wrapped tightly around me. I grabbed hold of his shirt that felt as real as the rest of him, but I didn’t bother to think. I wanted to enjoy him as much as my imagination allowed me.
His tongue in my mouth did wonders to my body. One minute, I felt empty and hollow, the next, I was going to explode with love. He kissed me, wild and tender at the same time, and even the cry of pleasure that left his throat felt as real as a real one would.
I was fooling myself, I knew that. I’d lost my mind, or at least a part of it, but I was going to take what I could get.
But then, he stopped, which was weird because I’d never imagine him doing that. His hands left my body and framed my face, and his eyes were filled with desire as he breathed heavily.
“We need to stop,” he said in that husky voice of his.
“No, we don’t,” I said and leaned in again.
He gave me another kiss before he pushed my face away for the second time.
“We do, Star. You still don’t think I’m real.”
“I know you’re not, Aaron. But it’s okay. This is fine,” I said, and I went for his mouth again. I could’ve done this all day long, but then again, he pushed me away.
“I am real, Star! I didn’t die! I don’t die, I…can’t die,” he said, a bit angry now.
“What do you mean?” When had I imagined something like that? I had no idea.
“Exactly that!” He let me go and took a step back as he rubbed his face furiously. “I’m a demon, Star. This,” he said, pointing at his chest, “is seventy-five percent demon and only twenty-five percent shifter, if you want to break it down in numbers. Do you understand what that means?”
Confusion was like big grey clouds above my head. I thought about it for a second, but like I said before, I didn’t want to think about understanding imagination.
“I saw you die.” He couldn’t deny that at least.
“I died technically. But I am not dead.”
“You’re dead when you die, Aaron.” It really didn’t take a genius to figure that out. “And I saw you,” I repeated a little angry now. He didn’t need to remind me of that. I just wanted to enjoy as much time as I had left with him, even if he was just a figment of my Aaron. “Please, just let me enjoy you for as long as my mind can make you.”
But he didn’t. Instead, he shook his head.
“What happens when you put a knife through a demon’s heart?”
“He goes back to hell to recover.” At least that’s what the books in Lyndor said.
“Exactly,” Aaron said.
I grinned. “You went to hell to recover?” Was he out of his mind?
“No. Because I’m not a full demon, I don’t need hell to recover. I can do it here just fine. My body recovers on its own when I die, and then I come back to life again.”
The look on his face said that he was actually telling the truth, which was absurd.
“Yeah, right,” I joked, but my body had already begun to shake.
“It’s the truth, Star. I can’t die.” He even grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me.
“But…but…I saw it…you, Bob was…inside you…in your heart!” I said, stuttering because those words were making me dizzy. How could he be alive when I saw him die?!
“Yes, and Jack removed it. I recovered a short while after we came to the Base. He knows, but no one else does,” Aaron said, going on like it was the most normal topic in the world to discuss.
I could no longer stand in one place. Every cell inside of me was contradicting one another. It couldn’t be real. It just couldn’t, and my brain, at least a part of it, just wouldn’t accept it, because…
“I saw you!” I insisted again. “And Thomas died! He was like you, and…” He’d never recovered.
“He gave it up for me. He gave up the demon in him to get me back from Nijaria,” Aaron whispered, and it was like a slap to my face because I remembered the fairy that had given birth to me and it all made sense.
“You’re alive,” I stated, dumbfounded.
My hand went up to touch his cheek, and he put his hand above mine. He felt like he always did, before he died. Before I saw him die.
“Star, trust me. I am alive and real, right here with you.” He kissed my palm lightly. “Trust me.” He rested his forehead against mine and held my eyes.
He was alive. He was alive and real and standing right in front of me.
The colors of the world around me sprung back to life, and I let myself feel the joy all the way to my bones. Everything started to vibrate again, and I felt the air humming around us like it was singing to its favorite melody. My heart was being knitted back to whole again, too. I felt alive in less than two seconds.
“Star, don’t cry…” Aaron whispered and kissed two tears as they fell from my eyes.
Thomas’s face was in front of me, reminding me of my promise, but even if I knew that I could never be with Aaron, it was enough to know that he was alive. What more could you possibly ask from life than for the person you love the most to never die? Nothing. So I wrapped my arms around him and rested my cheek on his chest with my eyes closed.
He held me like that for a long while. We swung in place a little from minute to minute, and I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world. I had it all if he was alive and breathing.
But I knew that eventually, I was going to have to let him go. He was pale and weak still. God only knew exactly what the recovery he talked about did to him. So I reluctantly untied my arms from around his waist and stepped back.
“I’m…glad that you’re here,” I mumbled reluctantly.
“It’s good to be back among the living,” he said, then pointed at the bed. “I believe this is yours.”
Bob, clean and deadly, lay on my sheets. A shiver ran down my body. I lowered my head and reluctantly took a small step back.
“What’s wrong?” Aaron asked, and with the tip of his finger under my chin, he raised my head until I met his eyes.
“Nothing,” I said and quickly looked away.
“Star, what’s going on?” he said, stepping closer to me again. The confusion and sadness in his eyes killed me.
“Nothing is going on, Aaron. I’m just glad that one of ours is alive and well,” I whispered.
“One of ours?” he asked, incredulous. “So you would’ve bawled like a baby and you would’ve kissed any Red Rebel who you thought was dead but wasn’t?”
He had me there. He had me good. What the hell was I supposed to say to that?
Absolutely nothing, so that was exactly what I did. I just crossed my arms in front of my chest, feeling very small, and stared at the floor.
“Look at me, Star,” he said and took my face in his hands.
The desperation in his eyes made me feel like I was swallowing big ass rocks every time I breathed. My chin trembled, but I held myself. I tried to move back, but he grabbed the back of my neck and pinned me in place. I was too weak to argue.
“Do you know how you make me feel?”
He sounded like he couldn’t even believe what he was saying.
“Do you know that I just have to be around you all day long because nothing seems to work out when you’re not there?”
My mouth opened, but there was nothing I could say.
“Do you know that I just have to keep my eyes on you the whole fucking time when we’re in the same room, just to try and figure out why it is that I find every move you make so fucking amazing and fascinating?”
Stop! my mind was shouting, but I couldn’t say it. I felt dizzy. He let go of me, but he didn’t
have to hold me there anymore. I was incapable of moving even if I wanted to. He shook his head, smiling sadly before he whispered:
“Do you know what you do to me when you tell me no, and when I know that you feel the same? Do you, Star?” he demanded.
“I…I don’t…” I started, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t say those damn words.
“You don’t?” Aaron asked, raising his brows at me. I just stood there looking at him like a freaking lunatic with my mouth open. “You don’t feel the same?”
I shook my head once. I didn’t want to say it. I prayed for him to drop it. I prayed for him to just leave it at that. I prayed hard…but it didn’t work.
“Tell me, Star. Tell me right now that you don’t feel anything for me, that you don’t want me as much as I want you, and I swear to you that I will never, ever come close to you again.”
His heart broke while he said it, as did mine. I saw it in his eyes. I saw it in his trembling chin and shaking fingers. And there was nothing I could do about it. So I inhaled deeply and prepared mentally for the crash that was going to occur inside of me, before I lifted my head and quickly said:
“I don’t.”
I met his eyes then. Those perfect, wide, ocean eyes that made me want to swim in them endlessly. He nodded his head too many times.
“Okay,” he whispered, wiping his mouth and chin with his palm. He looked terrified. The guilt was making a mess out of everything, but I couldn’t forget Thomas. He had given his life for his son. He didn’t deserve to have his word stepped on, especially not when it was about Aaron.
A long second later, Aaron turned to the door to walk out, so slowly that it felt like he was stepping on the pieces of my heart and crashing them even more.
He’s alive, I reminded myself, and I kept inhaling deeply. I squeezed my eyes shut and waited to hear the sound of the door closing before I could drop on my bed. But he spoke again.