“Stop overthinking this,” Jesse said, breaking me from my spinning thoughts. “You love her and I want to help. If you won’t let me do this for you, then let me do it for your girl.”
That was it. He’d found my weakness. If he was doing it for Brin, there was no way I could reject his generosity.
I smirked at him, narrowing my eyes. “Ah, going for the jugular, huh?”
He let out a hearty laugh, and a worker bee with a bright blue shirt flinched at the pitch of his cackle.
I turned to him, ready to compromise. “One condition.”
He sobered quickly and met my eyes. “Name it.”
“When we get married, if we do, that is…no more gifts. This is it.”
“I can handle that.” Jesse looked smug, as if he’d just beaten me in some battle of wits.
Quickly, he grabbed the large box from the shelf and led me to the register, making my plan a reality. As much as I’d fought him, my heart was bursting with gratitude, and I vowed to make Jesse proud, to make him believe in my strength and to reject the idea that I could break at the smallest sign of turmoil in my life.
As he placed the box between us in the cab of my truck, I extended my hand. Giving him the heartiest of handshakes, I resisted the emotions bubbling over inside me.
“I can’t thank you enough, man.”
“No thank-you necessary, son.”
He shook his head with a smile, and my world came to a screeching halt. As much as I knew that older men many times called guys “son” and meant nothing by it, I felt something click within me. In that moment I realized that Jesse, in his own way, had become the father figure in my life. The father I so desperately craved as a kid.
For all intents and purposes, I was sitting in the cab of my truck with the father I’d never had. A man who supported me, who wanted my happiness. A man who gave so thanklessly of his time and energy to make sure I was on the right track and stayed there. A man who opened not only his wallet, but his heart.
I didn’t need Ron Hammond or his oppressive compound.
But I did need Jesse. And more than ever, I was determined to justify his faith in me. I knew that no matter Brin’s answer to my proposal, I had to stay strong, I had to resist the darkness that pulled me to self-destruct.
I had to make my father proud.
Chapter 9
Porter
“Where are we going?” Brin giggled from the passenger seat, her voice cracking slightly.
The red bandana covered her eyes well enough. I knew she wouldn’t peek, but I also knew her mind was spinning as she tried to figure out what the hell I had up my sleeve. Her hand gripped the door handle tightly as I drove the truck in circles through the winding roads of our neighborhood. I needed to confuse her, needed to see the surprise across her face when we reached our destination.
I licked my lips and smiled as I watched the road. “You’ll see. Keep ’em closed.”
“I am, I am!”
She shook her head, and for a moment I was able to savor the moment of surprise, rather than tapping into the frayed edges of the nerves inside my body. The truth was, I’d never been so scared. Not since the day my mother dropped me off on that street corner with a hundred dollars and a suitcase of my belongings.
Nope, this was the most frightening day of my life. The day I would ask Brinley to be my wife.
My only wife.
Tiffany’s reaction in the bank spoke volumes, but I was determined to ignore it, knowing that Brin and I were meant to spend our lives together. And also knowing that if I didn’t ask her, I’d always wonder what she would have said.
Go big or go home, right?
The familiar sound of gravel crunching beneath the tires caused Brin to tilt her head slightly in recognition. I bit my lip, wishing there was something I could have done to mask that sound. Ear plugs, maybe? But it was way too late for that.
After killing the engine, I turned toward her and took her hand in mine. “Okay, we’re here. Stay put, I’ll come around.”
The adrenaline coursing through my veins propelled me out my door. As I made my way around the truck, I glanced up at the towering trees of my backyard. Then I opened Brin’s door, took her hand, and led her from the cab.
“Can I take this off?”
Placing my hand on the small of her back, I eased her toward the back of the truck. “Not yet.”
As she stood with her hands linked in front of her, her right foot tapping against the grass, I released the hinge of the truck’s endgate and led her to stand in front of it.
“Are you ready?”
She nodded and I placed my hands on her hips, hoisting her to sit on the edge of the endgate. She gasped at first, but smiled when she felt the fleece blanket beneath her, and reached down to run her fingers over the soft fabric.
Damn, she was piecing it together. At least she was smiling from ear to ear.
“Okay.” I released the bandana and watched with gratification as Brin’s eyes widened. She took it all in and her jaw dropped.
The large white sheet stretched across the aluminum siding of our house. I was able to hook it tightly to the gutters, anchoring it with hooks that dug into the grass. Hopping into the truck, I opened the sturdy projector box. I hid my smile, knowing she had no idea what was inside the bulky box. Brin watched as I set up the projector, placing it on the stiff plastic carrying case.
“What is that? I’ve never seen anything like it.”
When the projector switched on and the home screen of the device shone on the sheet, she put it all together. A smile spread across her face, and her eyes grew shiny with tears.
“You didn’t.”
“You bet I did.”
“I can’t believe you did this.”
“Now we can go to the drive-in whenever we want.”
“Wait, you bought this? You didn’t just borrow it or something? It’s ours?”
I nodded, remembering Jesse’s generous gift.
“There’s more,” I said with a smile as the white sheet glowed with the menu of the movie I’d selected for our first home drive-in experience.
“Clark Gable?” she squeaked as she stared at the projection screen. “I can’t believe you remembered.”
“Of course I remember. You were so in awe of him, I was a little jealous.” I let out a laugh as I hopped off the truck and grabbed a tray full of treats—popcorn, candy, and two huge sodas from the local convenience store.
“Wow,” Brin said, scooting back to rest her head on the pillows I’d stacked against the outside of the cab. Once she was settled, I offered her the tray of snacks. “This is amazing, Porter.”
“Surprised?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.” She nestled her head against my shoulder and dug her hand into the bowl of popcorn. A contented sigh left her lips as I started the movie.
My heart pounded in my chest, so hard I almost couldn’t focus, but I knew I had to. After all, there was no guarantee she’d accept my proposal. And so I waited, wanting her to enjoy the movie in pure, uninterrupted happiness.
• • •
When the credits rolled, I couldn’t wait any longer. Insects chirped softly around us as we sat in the darkness.
“Hey, you awake?” I whispered.
“Mm-hmm,” Brin responded, sitting up straight. “That was wonderful.”
“I, uh, I got you something.”
“Yeah?” Her eyes widened. “You mean there’s more?”
“Yeah, a lot more.” I shrugged. “And I know you might not want it, but we promised each other. Total honesty, right?”
Her look of contentment disappeared in one fell swoop. “Porter, you’re scaring me.”
“Don’t be scared. If I don’t offer this to you, I’ll always wonder.”
“I don’t understand.”
Rising to my knees, I pulled the velvet box from my pocket and held it in my outstretched hand. It was an offering, a possibility, a hope, a dream.
“I bought this for you.”
Brin took a deep breath and peered at it in confusion. “What is it?”
Her hesitation gave me pause. I could feel bile rising in my throat. “You know what it is.”
“Porter, I—”
Before she could finish her rejection, I cut her off. “I want to kill Cluff for the scars he’s left, for the way he shaped the concept in your head. It doesn’t have to be like that, and for most people it isn’t.” I sat back on my heels and released a large breath. “It’s okay if your answer is no. But I had to know for sure.”
She sighed. I couldn’t read her, couldn’t understand what she was thinking, what she was feeling. Panic was consuming my body, my brain.
Her eyes glistened in the moonlight as she said softly, “I love you.”
“I don’t doubt that, Brin. I don’t. And it doesn’t matter what your answer is, as long as we’re together.” My hands shook as I spoke. God, why was I such a wuss? Why couldn’t I be strong enough to say the words and really mean them? “No matter what you say, we’ll still have each other, and our house, and drive-in movies whenever you want. Nothing has to change.”
Brin swallowed hard and her brow knitted. I wanted to put my fist through a wall as I watched her hesitate like that, knowing that I’d destroyed everything. Knowing that I’d probably cause her to run away from us, and that I’d scared her.
She cleared her throat. “But you want this. You want marriage?”
“With you? Yes. I want to stand in front of God, if he exists. I want to stand in front of the people we love and proclaim my undying love to you. I want to be bound to you for eternity.”
I paused to take a breath and placed my quivering hands into my pockets. “But if you don’t, I can handle it. I’ll give you anything you want, Brin, anything you need as long as we spend our lives together. That’s all I really want, all I’ve ever wanted. I had to ask, though, or I’d never forgive myself.”
Brinley laughed behind her hand, a lighthearted laugh that gave me hope, even if it was misguided. Even if she was contemplating her answer, attempting to soften the blow of imminent rejection.
“What?”
She shrugged with a playful smirk tugging her lips. “You haven’t actually asked me anything.”
I threw my head back in defeat, gripping my chin as I realized I couldn’t possibly have fucked up this moment any more. “Oh, for God’s sake, this is the worst proposal in history. I never even asked—”
Tears formed in her eyes, and she ran her hand down my cheek. “No, stop. It’s the most romantic moment of my life. The movie, the surprises, you…”
I shook my head, pinching my eyes shut in exasperation and good old-fashioned mortification. “Not possible. I screwed it up.”
A soft smile crossed the lips of the woman I loved more than life. “You could never do that.”
Taking a knee, I opened the velvet box to reveal the simple gold band with three stones. “Do you see each of these small stones?”
“Yes.”
“That’s us. You and me. And this big one in the middle, that’s us together. Bigger, stronger. This ring represents our future, Brin. It represents our strength, our faith in each other. I know people say a ring is a contract, but no matter what your answer is, I want you to have it. I want you to know how I feel about us. We’re strong today and we’ll be even stronger tomorrow, regardless of your answer.”
Brin nodded. “You still haven’t asked me anything.”
She was right. What the hell is wrong with me?
Still down on one shaking knee, I gripped her hand and peered into her clear blue eyes. “Brinley, I’m asking you to be my wife. Not because I want to own you, or be served by you, or any of the things we were taught that marriage was all about. I don’t want any of that. Instead, I want us to belong to each other. I want to honor you and be there for you all the days I’m on this earth. I want that more than anything.” I paused, knowing it was my do-or-die moment. “Will you marry me?”
“Yes,” she said without hesitation.
I said nothing at first, still in shock at her ridiculously fast response. I blinked a few times before putting her on the spot again. “Only say it if you mean it.”
“Okay.” She smiled, wrinkling her nose. “Yes.”
Frustration brewed in the pit of my stomach. “I’m serious. Don’t tell me what I want to hear, don’t do that.”
Brin pressed her left hand to her heart, and pulled me to her with the other. “Are you listening to me? I’ve thought about this since you entered my life. The idea of being married to just one man, to belong to him and him to me. Of course, Lehi tainted that for a long time, but you made that all go away, Porter. All of it. I want you, I want us—for better, for worse, all of it.”
“Seriously?” I was still stunned, completely dumbfounded. “You mean it? You really want this?”
She laughed again, pulling me close and wrapping her arms around my waist. “You silly man. I want nothing more.”
I sighed into her hair as I pulled her closer to me. My arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders as we stood in silence.
“Your heart,” she said. “It’s pounding out of control.”
“I know.” I sighed.
“Did you really think I’d say no?”
I paused before giving her my honest response. “After what I did a few months ago, I wasn’t sure. I’m a risk, always have been.”
Snuggling closer, she said, “You’re a risk I want to take for the rest of my life, Porter Hammond.”
Overwhelming gratitude crashed through me with those words. She thought I was worth the risk. She thought I was worth it.
I’m worth it. I’m worth it. I’m worth it.
“I don’t get it,” I said, getting my bearings. “When I showed you the ring, you looked scared, terrified even.”
Brin’s face relaxed into a calm smile. “Of course it’s scary. Marriage is scary.”
“So…” I paused, still confused. “I don’t get it.”
Gently, she dragged her fingertips down my cheek. A sigh left my lips with that comforting gesture. Brinley locked eyes with me and said the words I needed to hear.
“I’d rather be scared with you than comfortable with someone else…anyone else.”
I tried to stop it. With all my might, I attempted to keep my eyes from unleashing the relief they craved, but it was no use. Tears built within my burning eyes, and a few slipped down my cheeks as I kissed the top of her head, hoping she wouldn’t notice the tears. She’d seen me cry before, but it pained me every time. I didn’t want her to know the weakness inside me. Her hands gripped my shirt as she nestled herself into my chest.
“I love you so much it hurts,” I whispered.
“I know the feeling.”
Visions of Brin walking down the aisle flooded my overwhelmed brain. Brin in a modern white dress, her hair blowing in the breeze, her bright eyes locked on mine. No church, no prophet or sister wives hovering over her. Just her and me. Just us.
“Porter,” she said with a sigh.
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“Can I have my ring?” Looking up at me through her lashes, she laughed.
I shook my head, again frustrated at my lack of proposal skills. How could I have forgotten to place the ring on her finger?
Moron.
“God, yes, of course.”
I retrieved the band from the box and slid it onto her finger. She cradled her fingertips in her opposite hand, staring down at the minuscule diamonds that somehow managed to sparkle in the moonlight.
“It’s beautiful.”
“I promise to replace it, once I’ve really made something of myself. You know, a bigger diamond and—”
Her eyes turned dark as she pulled her hand close to her chest. “Don’t you dare. I don’t want another ring.”
“But it’s small, it’s—”
“It’s my ring, and it’s the only one I want.”
Brin’s lips found mine as she yanked me closer to her, pulling on the collar of my polo shirt. We sank into the blankets on the truck, her tongue sliding into my mouth, turning me on with every twist and turn. I could feel myself getting hard. As much as I wanted to make love to her outside, in my truck and under the stars, I wasn’t sure if she’d regret that in the morning. Brin had embraced her sexuality for quite some time, but we weren’t exactly adventurous when it came to location. We usually preferred to have sex in our bed, or on the couch or the floor, always within the privacy of our home. Never on the bed of my truck.
“Do you want to go inside?”
Her eyes grew dark and primal as she locked them with mine. “No, here. I want you right here.”
She didn’t need to say another word. Within seconds, I’d pulled her pants down past her ankles, tossing them aside. Next came her panties, my favorite pair. They were bright emerald-green bikinis, something she’d never have worn on the compound. They were sexy as hell, but it didn’t stop me from tearing them off her body.
Brin moaned above me as I ran my mouth up her thigh, placing kisses against her hot skin. Teasing her with the tip of my tongue, I applied pressure in just the right spot. Her moans intensified, and her fingers gripped my hair as her legs spread apart, allowing me access.
“Porter,” she breathed. “Oh God, don’t stop.”
I licked and sucked and drove her wild. Within minutes she was crying out, and I could feel her body let go. I placed my hands on the bed of the truck and looked into her eyes.
“How do you do that?” she asked, panting. “I swear you have special powers.”
“Making you come is not a special power, babe. But it’s my favorite thing in the world.”
She licked her lips. “Come here. And take off your pants.”
I did as I was told, loving Brin’s new assertive nature. It had taken some time, but she was becoming more confident, which as a result, made her even sexier in my eyes. Quickly, I removed my belt, pants, and boxers, leaving them in a heap next to us.
“What now, babe?”
“Your shirt.”
I smiled, realizing I’d forgotten to remove it. As fast as I could, I unbuttoned it, tossing it onto the pile of clothes.
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