by Ava Catori
My mood changed considerably, and I was angry with Harry for taking that away from me. I’d just enjoyed my first date, a lovely date – but now instead of thinking about the blissfully sweet evening; I was lingering on how much I was annoyed with my ex-husband. Not only had he treated me coldly and walked all over me, he’d slept around and moved out of our bedroom permanently. I had nothing left to say to the man.
I sat contemplating my life, and realized maybe I was moving too quickly. Picking up the phone, I dialed. Hearing Alex’s voice, my shoulders softened from their previous stiffened state. “Hi Alex, I’m sorry to bother you so soon.”
“No problem, Elle, what is it?”
“Alex, I had a nice time tonight. You’re a great guy, sweet, attractive, but I’ve been thinking maybe it’s too soon.”
“I see, Elle. Was it something I said or did?” he asked. “Were you uncomfortable that I kissed you? I should have asked first.”
“Oh Alex, no, it’s not you at all. I think I just have some unresolved things to work through, and I’m not ready to bring that baggage into a relationship. I’m just not ready to date.”
“I see,” he said. “I understand. If you decide you’re ready again, please let me know.”
“Do you think I’m being silly?” The question was out before I could stop it.
“I think you know what’s best for you,” he answered simply.
“Alex, I don’t know what’s best for me, honestly. I’m confused,” I admitted.
Sitting and talking on the phone, the words flowed, and the conversation carried on for two more hours. There was comfort between us, and before hanging up the phone, Alex asked me out again. I accepted, feeling better about my decision. I was ready to move forward – and was ready for a second date.
It felt weird to be putting myself out there again, and so openly with Alex. He’d been the man who silently stood by my side, watching out for me, and there was something comforting to spend time with him again. I felt safe with him.
We made plans for a picnic lunch the following weekend, and I went to sleep that night with pleasant thoughts of our upcoming date. My hand instinctively went back to my lips, when I thought about him kissing me. I wanted him to kiss me again.
Chapter 5
I woke with a start, hearing the banging on my door. Checking the clock, trying to clear my head, I felt groggy. It was 3AM and way too late for anyone to be here. I lumbered out of bed, and pulled a robe around me. Heading to the door, I looked through the peek hole and groaned seeing my drunken ex-husband standing there.
“What do you want?” I said, glaring at the man who obviously had trouble standing up.
“It was a mistake, I was wrong,” he started, and pushed his way through.
“Harry, it’s three in the morning, you need to leave. You didn’t drive, did you?” I started.
“No, my car is out front,” he stammered.
“Did you make Reggie or Wayne wake up for this?” I shook my head.
“They get paid to drive me, Elle,” he said, slightly annoyed.
“What do you want? It’s late,” I asked again.
“We need to fix things, get back together,” he said, laying it out on the table.
“Excuse me?” I was stunned. He was obviously not in his right mind, but did he seriously think I’d take him back?
“Married, we should get married again. I need you,” he stuttered.
“You don’t need me,” I said, and then it hit me. “Ah, you’re coming up for re-election,” I finally caught on.
“It’s not the same for divorced politicians. People judge you, and want stable families in office,” he spoke like all that mattered was his public image. “We can fix this, say it was a mistake.”
“Harry, you need to leave,” I said, trying to escort him back to the door. Instead, he spun away from my hand, and started to look around.
“So this is the new place,” he said, making himself at home.
“Harry, please go,” my voice became firm. “I’m finished here.”
“That’s the thing,” he said, “I’m not. You keep walking away before I’m finished.”
I started to walk to the door, and as he followed me, “Where are you going?”
“I’m going to get Reggie or Wayne to help you,” I said, annoyed.
“Like hell you are,” his hand went up to the door above my head, pushing it close as I was opening it.
“Harry, I’ve had enough. Get the hell out of my house,” I said. “Or so help me God, I’ll call the police. You’ve worn out your welcome.”
“You’re a bitch,” he slurred. “I was just leaving. To think I missed you,” he said as he let himself out.
I was shaken up, angry, and taken back hearing that he missed me. At least he wasn’t completely made of ice – because during our marriage, I was beginning to feel that way.
Locking my door, I double checked the deadbolt, and then headed back to bed. I couldn’t sleep, and tossed and turned. I didn’t have many good feelings left about my marriage or Harry. I felt badly that after all the time we spent together, it was left the way it was. I knew I’d made the right decision leaving him, but I was sad that all these years later we’d come down to this, him drunk and ranting, and me pushing him out the door and away from me.
I hated drama. I wasn’t one of those women that thrived on stuff like that. I preferred things quiet, so I hoped it would be the last I heard from Harry on the matter, especially drunken and in the middle of the night.
In the morning, climbing out of bed, I woke feeling edgy. I was sure it had to do with Harry stopping by, but I felt cheated out of the pleasant feelings I’d been having about Alex. I hated Harry for overriding them. I deserved to be happy, and feel flirty and sexy this morning. Instead, I was bitter. I tried to regain the earlier feelings from the night before when Alex kissed me, but they were too far gone.
Standing under the water spray of the shower, I closed my eyes trying to clear my mind. I wasn’t renting Harry space in my brain anymore; I refused to let his actions last night stay with me any longer. So what if he missed me, it was simply his wanting a better public image for the next election. He didn’t have feelings for me, and was only in it for himself. That’s the thing, our entire marriage felt that way, him putting me aside and only thinking of his own needs. It was time to put myself first.
I spent the afternoon flitting about the internet, and kept coming back to a list of schools I’d bookmarked. A piece of me felt too old to go back to school again, and yet I had a lot of years before me. I’d have to do something. The consulting fees I got were few and far between. I had investments, and money in the bank after our settlement, but I didn’t plan on sitting around the house for the rest of my life. After careful consideration, I chose two or three schools from the list and started reading as much information as I could about them.
A little voice inside of me said I could do it, and with each passing moment, I started to believe that was true.
I’d have to apply and get accepted first, but it would give me a purpose and maybe a new career when I finished. Law school was something that sat in the back of my mind, and as I read through the varying types of law, I was overwhelmed. I never thought about all the different kinds of lawyers, from real estate, family law, personal injury, estate management, criminal law, and so many more, I had to sit and think about what I wanted. A small practice would be more my style than a power firm, but I needed purpose. I wondered if most people went into school knowing what they wanted to do, or did they decide while they were there.
With my current undergrad degree, it looked like it would take another three years of law school, and at least six months to a year to study for my BAR exam. Four years felt like forever. I felt defeated, even though I knew I had the drive – I realized I’d be close to forty by the time I’d be a lawyer. For the first time, I felt old. I knew I wasn’t, and I had plenty of life left, but most people went onto law school rig
ht after they finished college. I suddenly felt at odds, and had no idea if this was the path for me or not.
What else could I do? I really had no illusions; it wasn’t something I’d spent a lot of time thinking about during my marriage. I had a plan, but things changed. I was frustrated not knowing what I wanted. I had the freedom to choose, but felt overwhelmed at the number of options.
What should have been exciting and fascinating left me feeling anxious. Why didn’t I know? How could I have not formulated some kind of plan, or even know what I wanted to spend my time doing? I felt a lack of passion, and without the desire to do anything in particular, I was lost.
How did everyone else know where they were going, and what they wanted to do? I think I did before I met Harry, and yet I wasn’t the same girl that I was all those years ago. I went into school with a dream, but left with husband. It’s not that I settled, but I was content to be his wife, his arm piece, and without a voice of my own, I simply fell into going to events, luncheons, and speaking for those who came for help.
I spoke for education, for children, for health causes, for women’s issues, and then it hit me. I spoke, and I spoke well. I considered a career in public speaking, and thought about causes near to my heart. It was when I spoke for women’s issues and for those that were down that I came to life. I was more drawn to those issues than health causes. It’s not that I didn’t want to help with health issues – I had no problem helping, but when I championed for battered women, and helping them overcome their struggles, I felt alive.
Could one make a career out of that? What could I do? I tossed around the idea of non-profit organizations, and made a list of people I knew that worked with women. For the first time in a long time, I started to feel the fire growing inside of me, and then the pieces started to come together. If I got my law degree, I could help these women by doing pro-bono work. I could be a voice for those women that needed it the most. It was a moment of excitement, finally realizing that I just might have a plan after all.
Chapter 6
We went to the park for our second date. Alex packed a picnic lunch, and I must say an impressive one. When I commented, he admitted he’d gotten help. It was a catered picnic lunch, and he just showed up to pick up the basket. I laughed, because it was brilliant. Sitting eating small finger sandwiches, we talked and shared more details about ourselves.
Getting to know Alex as he opened up was wonderful. He was charming, warm, and witty. I wish I’d known that about him previously. Not that it would have mattered, but I would have seen him more as an individual, and not just as an employee.
The sun went behind some clouds, and as we glanced up we saw an imminent rain shower. Quickly gathering our things we ran to the car, and almost made it. Laughing, we sat in the car realizing how close we were to getting soaked. We’d lost track of time, and had spent the better part of the afternoon together.
As he leaned over to kiss me, I parted my lips, accepting his affections. His kiss was tender and soft, as his hand came up to my head, pulling me closer. I was oblivious of the photographer capturing our intimate moment in the car.
When the picture was splashed on the front page of the local paper, I was horrified. It was tagged with the headline, “Governor’s Ex-Wife and Bodyguard in Love Affair, Was He the Cause of the Divorce?” The speculation had me spitting mad.
I was embarrassed for us both, and was almost afraid of Alex’s reaction. He was a private person, and I knew this wouldn’t go over well. I was right. My phone rang not long after he saw the headline.
“Elle,” he was tense, “I don’t think I can do this.”
“Alex, I’m not a married woman. We don’t have to justify dating one another,” I started.
“People will be questioning my morals and ethics, dating my ex-boss, and wondering if we were together while you were still married. I’m an upstanding man; I wouldn’t make a move on you if you were still married.”
“Alex, I know that, you were nothing but respectful,” I said.
“And now, I’m splashed across some newspaper like I’m conversation worthy, like silly gossip. This isn’t how I live my life,” he answered. He was obviously uncomfortable, much more than I was at this point.
I guess I was used to being in the paper time to time, but he was used to a quieter life. “I’m sorry,” I finally said. I didn’t know what else to say. What’s done is done; it didn’t have to mean anything.
“Now people will be watching, wondering, always questioning if I was cause for your divorce.”
“I don’t care what people think,” I said. “I know the truth.”
“It’s not just what people think, it’s that it’s been made public. My name will be tied to you in an unscrupulous manner. I just don’t think this is a good idea,” he said. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
“Alex, you can’t be serious,” I stopped my train of thought. “I understand,” I said solemnly. “If that’s what you want.”
“I think it’s what’s best,” he answered, not what I was hoping for.
“Very well, good-bye,” I said and hung up the phone. There was nothing left to say.
And just like that, what I thought would be the start of something wonderful collapsed before me. It made me sick to my stomach, the power a single picture had. He was right; people would speculate and make assumptions about our relationship. It saddened me that it spiraled out of control.
I should have known Harry would call. I let it go to voicemail when I saw his number. I didn’t have it in me to deal with him right now. I listened to the message, assaulting me with nasty thoughts, telling me he should have known all along.
How dare he accuse me of something I didn’t do, when all along he’d been cheating on me? Maybe it makes him feels better, erasing some of his own guilt. He’d been fucking around with whores half his age, letting them into our home, barely hiding it from me for years. And for him to accuse me of this, I was seething. Even knowing he cheated on me, I remained loyal.
It shouldn’t matter what people think, but it did. I sat in lonely misery, sad that my reputation had been marred, and that my newly blooming relationship was over.
This wasn’t how I expected my morning to start, and with that I climbed back into bed. I didn’t want to face the day, talk to anyone, or even go out. My pride was wounded, and as I snuggled under the covers, I let a few lone tears fall. Maybe it wasn’t love, but it was certainly worth cheering for, and just like that it was over. It didn’t seem fair, but then life isn’t always fair.
When I finally dragged myself out of bed for the second time of the day, I plodded over to my computer and sat down. I could at least take charge of my life in this manner. A relationship would only get in the way, I said tasting the sour grapes. I need to focus on a career, go back to school and stop putting this off. With that, I finally spent time gathering the information I needed to resume my schooling.
Once I started, it took all my focus. It had been ages since I’d been in school, but here I was being a student all over again. I was nervous at first, feeling almost out of place, but I knew if I stayed true to the course, it would pay off in the end.
Studying took more time than I even remembered. There were so many details to remember, but throwing myself into my schoolwork was a great distraction. I hardly thought about Alex lately, except for the ten or twelve times a day I still thought about him. There was something there, but we’d never find out. When he ended things, it was the last time I heard from him.
I’d been sitting in the coffee shop with my books spread out, and lost in a never ending passage. I barely noticed the man standing a few feet away staring at me. It took hearing his voice for me to look up.
“Alex?” I stood smiling. “It’s so nice to see you, how have you been?”
“Good and you? I see you decided to go ahead and get back into school.”
“Yeah, sometimes I feel like a fool and older than ha
lf the students, but I’m enjoying it mostly.”
“Mostly?”
I laughed, “It’s a lot of work. I don’t have a lot of free time, but the distraction helps me stay on course. What are you doing here?”
He hesitated, “I’m looking for you.”
“Me?”
“Elle, I hate how I ended things. I know this is bullish of me, but would you consider going out with me?”
“I don’t know if I can go there again, Alex. I started to have feelings.”
“I can’t stop thinking about you, Elle. I’ll be honest, I’ve thought of calling you so many times, but didn’t know what to do.”
“I’ve thought a lot about you too,” I admitted.
“Consider giving us another chance?”
“And what if our picture is splashed across a paper again?”
“So be it, I’ll hope they get my good side.”
I smiled and stood. It was comfortable in his arms, as he pulled me into an embrace. “I’ve missed talking to you.”
“So that’s a yes?”
“I think it is.”
We were going to try again. There was something there and we both recognized it. It wasn’t some burning fire, but there was a spark, an ember. It was the start of something that could grow to be much more.
Being buried in school, I didn’t have as much time to obsess or worry about our upcoming date, and when we finally went out, I was so much more relaxed than our previous first date.
We went to a local tavern. I wore a soft beige sweater and slacks. I felt comfortable and ready to start over. He met me in jeans and a grey sweater of his own. Sitting in the booth talking, we fell right back into the pattern of where we were before. It didn’t feel like work, and we both knew the other wanted to be there. There was no hurry to make things move faster, and there was no worrying if the other was invested. Time had passed, and we both realized we wanted to see each other again. It had to be his idea though, since he was the one that had backed out.
Sharing a plate of snacks, we picked at the food before us. Alex poured me a glass of beer from the pitcher on our table, and we updated each other on what we’d been doing in our time apart.