by Amanda Cowen
“I was going to tell you. I swear Megan. I’m really sorry you had to find out that way.” Ben grovels.
“It doesn’t matter. What’s done is done.” I whisper back with frustration.
Ben finally releases his iron grip, and I yank myself free.
“So you meant what you said last night?” He asks frozen in horror staring at me with wide eyes.
“Oh, you mean how I said it’s over?” I proudly say and kick off those dreaded heels.
“Megan -” he pleads.
“No Ben, don’t even do this.” I grunt and turn to walk away from him, but he grabs onto my arm and whips me around to face him. Our eyes lock, and his mouth slightly parts like he is trying to say something, but nothing comes out.
Thankfully, Jessica begins shouting our names and waving us over to the long stretch of beach. Ben sighs, releases his grip, and shoves his hands in his pockets. I toss my hair over my shoulders and make a point of walking ahead of him.
We take photo after photo after photo. I pose standing up, I pose sitting on a rock and I even squish in and rub up against Jessica’s behind to make the perfect shot. I have never been photographed so much in all my life. When we are finally wrapping up, Victor announces he has created magic with his camera and Jessica and Michael won’t be disappointed. This thrills Jessica and she squeezes my arm, “I’m so happy the pictures are over! I can’t wait for the fun to begin!”
****
The reception hall is stunning. White sheer fabric draped from the ceiling with a crystal chandelier hanging in the middle of the dance floor. Bright pink flowers decorate every table in a multitude of beauty, with a trio of candles circling every vase. The head table is romantically lit with a sparkling backdrop and fantastic floral arrangements. I stand off to the side and press my nose up against the glass doors leading into the reception hall to watch the guests settle into their assigned seats.
Ben brushes up against my behind and tugs on the back of my dress. I try to swat him away just as Jose busts through a side door and starts dictating what is going to happen during the grand entrance, although Ben doesn’t budge. He presses against me and gently whispers in my ear, “Can’t you see I’m crazy about you?”
I whip around, “You’re crazy about a lot of girls.” I say letting the pain cut through my voice.
Ben flinches from my words, “No Megan, just you.”
I take a big gulp, and feel the tiny hairs stand up on my neck. Nothing is making any sense, but I know now is not the time to try and figure it out. Jose bumps into both of us, wearing the world’s tiniest headset and breaks our gaze. He ushers us over to the side, and approaches Jessica and Michael, “Are you two ready for your big introduction?”
“Of course” Jessica laughs and kisses Michael on the cheek.
“Where’s the maid-of-honor and best man?” Jose shouts on his tippy toes and looks back to find us in the crowd.
“We’re right here.” Ben says. He raises his hand and points down at me with the other.
“Well get up here you two. You need to lead the bridal party procession.” Jose shouts.
Ben wraps his fingers around mine and pulls us to Jose. Jose begins directing the others to partner up and follow behind us when Ben leans in and says, “Megan, please say something.”
“I have nothing to say.” I respond by keeping my eyes forward and focused on the beautifully decorated hall.
I want to be able to fall into his arms and tell him I can get over this lie, the girls, and his commitment issues. But I can’t do that right now. I want more from him, but I know he can’t give that to me. It’s not fair to either of us.
Ben clears his throat and fixes his tie. He puts his head down in his chest and takes a deep breath. Within seconds the lights are on us and our names are announced. We pass by Steven who winks at me, clapping with all the guests and I smile back at him.
By the time Jessica and Michael are introduced, everyone is ecstatic, standing up and cheering. Michael twirls Jessica on the dance floor, dips her and places a huge kiss on her lips. She comes up lit with admiration, laughing and whispering into his ear as they find their way to the head table. Jessica sits down beside me and I gently fix her dress. Then right away, just like Jose anticipated, the first course of our meal is promptly served.
When dinner is done, the speeches are ready to start. Of course I’m the first one up to the podium. I nervously fumble my wrinkled speech and straighten it out on the table. Jessica watches me like a hawk and I can almost hear her thoughts...It better be good. I clumsily make my way to the podium. I look out into the crowd of guests and then back to the head table filled with all my longest and dearest friends. Ben leans forward, placing his chin between his thumb and index finger and watches me adjust the microphone making my hand a little shaky.
I take deep breath when my mind betrays me and provides me with an image of Ben and I as the bride and groom. I shake it away, clear my throat and force my eyes to Jessica and Michael, ready to start my speech. My vision blurs again when I catch Ben leaning into my view and a lump forms in my throat. Is it possible I have always loved him? No. There is no way. Weddings make single people who are weeks away from their twenty-fifth birthday think crazy things.
When the room falls silent, I start my speech. I cover all the basics and stick to the guidelines Jessica provided me with. I talk about how wonderful Jessica is, and how great of a friend she has been to me for all these years. I bring up the story of Jessica trying on her mother’s old wedding dress when we were twelve years old in her basement closet and our maid-of-honor promise to one another. Jessica’s mother laughs and shouts out from the crowd she knew someone had been tampering with her dress that day. I say how lucky Michael was to find Jessica, and how their love has grown over the years making them a wonderful and admirable couple. I finish with a quote about marriage I found through a Google search, on things to include in a maid-of-honor speech and it’s done. Jessica gets up and hugs me with tears in her eyes. She says it was perfect and I did a great job.
I let out a huge sigh. I am relieved it is finally over. I sit down just in time to hear Jose call up Ben to give his best man speech. Ben walks up with no paper, no cue cards, nothing. I always envied poise and charisma, but now it just annoys me.
Ben’s speech is less formal, and way funnier than mine. He has everyone in stitches, telling stories about Michael from their younger years as kids then transitioning into high school and right on through to university. But despite all the laughter, Ben becomes serious and says how lucky Michael was to find the love of his life. He pauses and looks directly at me. He makes my breathing hitch when he smiles to himself and looks down at the podium, “You know, there are only so many people in this world that can honestly say they were lucky enough to have married their best friend.”
Everyone awes at his reflective words, but he doesn’t even pay attention to the crowd; instead his eyes don’t leave mine. Jessica glances suspiciously between Ben’s gaze and my face. I turn red and look down into my lap. Ben clears his throat and I peer up from the corner of my eye to see him return his glare out to the guests and comically add, “That is why I am so happy Jessica said yes when Michael asked her to marry him, so I wouldn’t have to.”
Everyone cracks up and Ben finishes by saying how happy he is for the both of them and wishes them all the love in the world. He raises his glass for a toast to the happy couple and everyone clinks their glasses around the room. Michael gets up and gives him a firm handshake and tight hug. Ben looks over his shoulder and locks his eyes with mine. I feel hot and bothered, confused and uncertain, so I push myself up from the table and head straight to the bar.
OK. There is no need to panic. Ben may be unhappy with my ending of things, but he knows as well as I do it ended it for the better. We could never possibly be together forever and he knows it. He was the one who said three years ago over a game of Gin Rummy that marriage was for fools and it is a proven fact humans aren�
�t meant to be monogamous. To which I laughed and told him he would grow into an old and senile man one day if he actually believed that, and threw down a strong run of sevens.
I order vodka water and slam it back to immediately order another. This situation is simple, I have been deceived and I will not stand for it. Even if it was by Ben, and even if our sex was fantastic, I will not be suctioned in by his sneaky manipulation. I watch the bartender mixing my drink, taking his grand ole time to fill my glass with ice, measure an even ounce and fill it up with water. He looks over at me and asks me if this time I want a splash of lime. I sigh out a “Whatever” and lean up against the bar to watch all the guests chatter amongst themselves as a light musical medley plays softly in the background. The bartender distracts me and finally hands me my second drink. I debate on slamming it, but my better judgment tells me to keep it together for Jessica and her perfect evening.
I lean against the polished wood and take my first sip of my wonderfully refreshing drink, all the while telling myself to stop fussing and start enjoying my night. I take a deep breath and shift my weight, but I am sweating like crazy and it won’t stop. In fact it is getting much worse. My face feels like it is on fire, and my armpits need a firm dabbing with that bar cloth tossed over the bartender’s shoulder.
“I’ll have whatever she’s having.” I look to my side and see Steven leaning against the bar beside me. I feel myself loosen up a bit, thankful for the handsome distraction in front of me.
“Enjoying the wedding?” I say taking a sip from my drink.
“I am now.” Steven says resting his chin in his hand. The bartender slides him a drink and Steven raises his glass, “To new beginnings.”
I smile, thinking what a great thing to hear right now. Steven couldn’t be more right. So I clink my glass with his and we each take a sip just smiling at one another. We make some awkward small talk and he asks me how my dinner was. I tell him I enjoyed the lobster and ask him if he enjoyed the ceremony. He smiles and says the best part was when I walked down the aisle. I blush, and change the subject to asking him if he went on any other excursions over the past couple of days. He tells me he went to Tamarindo beach to surf with Charlie and Dave, and that he took a catamaran tour with his parents. But he quickly turns things back around to complimenting me in my golden heels and how great I look in my bridesmaid dress. I thank him, coyly keeping my eyes to the floor.
The DJ distracts us, and calls Jessica and Michael up for their first dance as a married couple. They hold hands walking up to the dance floor, both beaming and filling the room with happiness and love.
Steven leans in and says, “Do you ever want to get married one day?
I nearly choke on my drink, and give a nervous laugh. “It will probably never happen.”
Steven doesn’t say a thing at first, instead he watches me uncomfortably fumble my drink in my hands, “Never say never.”
“I guess.” I mumble and watch Michael and Jessica perform their rehearsed fox trot. Jessica insisted they take dance lessons for the past year, so it is no surprise they look flawless on the dance floor. Steven and I make some more casual banter throughout the rest of their dance, and say even less to each other when Jessica dances with her father.
Soon enough, the DJ invites everyone up to dance and the hall fills up with a slow country song. Steven puts his hand out and asks me to join him. I agree, thinking I have nothing to lose. I walk hand in hand with him and see Ben glaring at us and completely distracted from his conversation with Eric and Matthew. I pretend I don’t see him, and continue on with a guilty free conscious. Besides, what does he care? There was no title between us, and I am free to do what I want, with whomever I want - Clearly that is his mantra.
Steven pulls me into him and I inhale the most delicious scent of his cologne. I can’t help but notice he even dances classy. He leads, placing one hand in mine and resting one hand on my lower back. He sways us back and forth, chatting about how his mother taught him how to dance as a child. I think how wonderful Steven’s family must be. I envision them all wearing holiday themed sweaters at Christmas time, and playing board games on a Friday night around a roaring fire, drinking hot cocoa and eating a delicious lemon cake.
Ben appears right behind Steven, holding onto Stephanie’s lower back and knocking me out of my fantasy. She tosses around her long auburn curls and holds two shot glasses in either hand. They awkwardly sway to the music and I hear her offer Ben a shot, but he declines. I try to look away and keep my face as unaffected as possible, but I can’t stop watching them. I keep on convincing myself this is what I wanted. I am choosing not be with Ben because clearly he is bad boyfriend material, and there is no possible way we would ever work out. I need a man like Steven, reliable, sure of himself, and monogamous.
“Want a shot of Jägermeister?” Stephanie shouts out, waving the shot right in front of me.
I blink, completely taken off guard, “No thanks.”
“Awe come on Megan, just do it.” Stephanie whines over the music and shoves it in my face.
I look to Steven for disproval, but instead he insists I take it. I do, even though I am already feeling blurry around the edges from my vodka and water consumption. Stephanie laughs and wraps her arms around Ben. He twirls her around and brushes his warm hard body against my back. He looks back at me with a scowl and I bite my tongue. I will never let him see how he affects me ever again. Steven shifts in my arms and says, “Is something wrong?”
“Nope, everything’s perfect.” I mumble and keep my eyes to the floor.
Chapter 18
I would rather find myself running buck naked through the streets of Costa Rica with a monkey on my back, than surrendering to my feelings of envy over Ben and Stephanie. Here I am trying to be as mature and poised as possible, innocently sharing a slow dance with Steven. Yet Ben has chosen to let Stephanie suggestively dry hump him on the dance floor right in front of me. Who does Ben think he is?
Ben keeps perfect eye contact with me and sways Stephanie from side to side. He laughs at everything she whispers in his ear, which I know isn’t funny. Stephanie rarely makes for riveting conversation, let alone witty banter. I remain locked in Steven’s arms thinking Ben knows exactly what he’s doing. He is trying to make me jealous, but I will not let him get the better of me. I refuse to engage in his childish mind-games. I will not succumb to him.
How on earth, did it boil down to this? We were friends, the best of friends. How did I suddenly become subject to irrational feelings of lust, jealously, and heartache over Ben? I am blinded by numb disbelief when I think of him in his old wrinkled Nirvana t-shirt at the ripe age of sixteen, followed by an image of us young and dumbly cruising around in his mother’s mini-van rocking out to Blink 182 and eating cheeseburgers from McDonalds. I wish so badly we were back in those moments, in that innocent place and time when everything was easy and not complicated. When Ben was nothing more to me than a cute jokester with adolescent acne.
Ben’s familiar voice interrupts me from my thoughts, “Can I cut in?”
I look up and see his thick long fingers roughly grip into Steven’s shoulder as he towers behind him. Steven looks a bit taken back by his request, and jerks free from his grasp. I stare directly into Ben’s eyes, feeling outrage well up inside me. Does he not understand I am furious with him? Does he not understand his sleeping with Stephanie is a deal breaker? Can he not understand if he ever wants things to be the same between us, he needs to give me some space right now! Steven shifts in my arms without even turning around to acknowledge Ben and tensely says, “You can have the next dance.”
For a moment, Steven and his smug demeanor amaze me. I like how he doesn’t give in to Ben, but I don’t dare look up. An instant later, I hear the music stop and Ben arrogantly chuckle, “Well it looks like your dance is done.”
Steven tenses in my arms, “Well I think Megan was going to accompany me to get another drink. Right Megan?”
I feel myself stop
breathing and a tingling sensation trickle up my spine. I feel the fight for testosterone building between the two of them, and the look of disbelief on Ben’s face only solidifies Steven has crossed his personal line of manhood. Steven’s bold and unyielding response must be a first in the life and times of Ben, who isn’t used to anyone challenging him or rejecting him - Ever.
Ben clenches his jaw and clears his throat. For once he is speechless. I can’t help but feel like it serves him right, especially if he thought waving Stephanie in front of my face was a good idea. Well ha… two can play at this game. I will show him a thing or two about rubbing something in someone’s face.
“I could use another drink.” I smile.
I don’t dare look back, but I internally grin as I escort Steven up to the bar. I know I am acting juvenile and ridiculous, but he has crossed the line. Ben needs to respect my wishes about us being over. Besides, I am not the one who slept with one of our mutual friends and kept it a secret like he did. I justify my actions, and think I am not being mean or vindictive. I am just not allowing myself to get sucked in by Ben.
“Two vodka waters” Steven orders as soon as we hit the edge of the bar. He takes a deep breath and says, “So do you think we could carry this little thing we got between us back in Chicago?”
“Sure.” I say, even though I am not sure what I want.
“Good.” Steven says with a glimmer in his eyes.
He passes me my drink and we clink our glasses taking a long uncomfortable sip together. Steven wraps his arm around my lower back and grazes my behind in the process. He hugs me close to his side and says I smell amazing. I knew spraying a little Chanel No. 5 was a good idea after all. I thank him, even though I feel a slight bit uneasy and a little light-headed.
Our eyes lock and my heart pounds out of my chest. Steven’s lips slightly part, and he has never looked so serious. As a little Foreigner plays in the background, dragging couples up off their chairs and onto the dance floor, I feel myself start to tremble. I take a large gulp from my drink and nervously laugh as Steven gently tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear. I bite my lip and quickly look away. Is he actually going to try and kiss me? Here?