by Tawna Fenske
“I was going to send a card,” she’d said, her voice timid and almost unrecognizable. “But Bud didn’t think that was a good idea.”
“Joel’s your son,” Tony had argued. “You have a right to wish him a goddamn happy birthday if you want.”
“Please don’t swear.” She’d practically whispered the words, a quiet plea. “It’s just not a good idea. Bud’s my husband. I have to respect his wishes.”
He’d wanted to scream at her. To shout until his lungs hurt.
He’d wanted to save her, too. From Bud, from herself… Hell, he didn’t even know who the enemy was.
Some fucking hero he was.
In the end, he’d told her he was done reaching out. He asked her not to call him. Not until she apologized to Joel and told Bud to go fuck himself.
Then he’d hung up the phone.
She hadn’t reached out, and he hadn’t called her. His only news came through Leo, his best buddy from home. The home he’d known a lifetime ago and couldn’t bring himself to visit. Not now. Maybe not ever.
Thank God for Leo, who timed out his grocery runs to see her every week and promised to let Tony know if things got worse.
Tony spun his beer on the bar and fumbled for a subject change. “How’s married life treating you?”
His brother broke into a grin. “Awesome. Marc says hi, by the way.”
“Tell him hey. And I’m gonna kick his ass at pool the next time I see him.”
“Ha! The upside of marrying a pool shark—he can whoop you with his pool cue tied behind his back.”
Tony studied his brother’s face, relieved to see the happiness looked genuine. “I’m happy for you. Marc’s a great guy.”
“Being married’s kinda awesome. You should try it sometime.”
“Mmmph.” He hadn’t told Joel about all these visits with exes. About the shit he’d been talking about with Kayla. Mostly, he didn’t want to get his baby brother’s hopes up that there was any chance he’d be settling down soon.
Picking up his beer, Tony took a healthy slug. Then he set the glass down fast, because what the fuck was he doing? The last time he drank too much, he confessed his stupidest desires to Kayla. What would he end up blurting out next time?
“That still your first?” Joel asked.
“Yeah.” Tony spun the half-full glass on the counter. “Got an early morning.”
Joel grinned. “Road-tripping with your ex. How’s that going? You guys bangin’ it out yet?”
“Fuck off.”
His brother just laughed. “I’ll take that as a yes. Tell me again why you’re doing this?”
“She’s taking pictures of old burn scars,” he said slowly. “We saw the Crater Creek Complex site a few days ago. Heading to the J & J Complex next.”
“That was a bad one.”
“Yeah.” Tony sipped his beer. “I’m enjoying the road trip and my time off.”
He could feel Joel eyeing him, questioning whether there was more to the story. Tony kept his expression flat, determined to guard his secrets. His stupid, battered heart.
Thankfully, the waitress showed up with their tater tots. As she set out ketchup and napkins and snack plates, Tony tried to think of something to talk about. Something besides their mom or Kayla or why Tony couldn’t seem to move forward. Couldn’t come to terms with what had happened all those years ago.
“So.” He cleared his throat. “How do you think the Seahawks are looking this season?”
Chapter Nine
Kayla was just finishing up a run when her phone rang. Fishing it out of her armband, she hit the button to answer her mom’s call.
“Hey there,” she panted. “I was going to call you after I showered.”
“You don’t need to be clean to call your mother.” Patty Gladney’s voice was teasing, but there was a roughness there, too. “You heard your sister’s news?”
“She called the other day.” Kayla mopped her brow with the back of her arm, then dug the hotel key card out of her pocket. “I’m so excited for her.”
Her mother didn’t say anything. Kayla fumbled with the key card, wondering for the eleventy-billionth time if her mom could read her mind.
“Do you think you’ll visit before the baby comes?” her mom asked. “I’d love to plan a shower. Maybe co-ed with all the husbands.”
Kayla ignored the jab, which probably wasn’t even a jab. Her mom just didn’t think about the fact that not all her daughters were happily paired with their dream men.
Pushing open the door to the hotel room, she adjusted the phone against her ear as Fireball launched himself at her in a wagging, licking blur. She’d left him behind, knowing the twelve-miler would be too much for his little legs. He clearly didn’t appreciate the snub.
“I’d like to make it out there soon,” Kayla assured her mom.
There; that was vague enough. Still scratching her dog, she glanced at the note Tony had left on the dresser.
Pup’s fed and walked. Went to meet friends. Movie later?
Good—that was good. She liked that he was making plans without her. They needed some time apart so they didn’t run the risk of getting too attached.
Or maybe only Kayla ran that risk.
Her mom was still talking about Kristin and the baby and their other two sisters, who’d shown up with all their hand-me-down baby clothes. “Any little one joining this family has an instant wardrobe,” her mother said proudly. “I love how you girls support one another.”
Was that another jab? Kayla honestly couldn’t tell anymore.
“I told Kristin I’d come do a maternity shoot.” She sat down on the bed and patted the space beside her so Fireball would jump up. “I’ve done some really cool ones lately. This one where the mother-to-be was standing at the edge of a river and—”
“Is this why you don’t have a husband?”
Kayla blinked. “Excuse me?”
“I’m sorry, sweetie. That came out wrong.” Her mother made a soft little clucking sound. “I just wondered if you’re so focused on your career that…well, maybe you’ve forgotten about other things.”
Emotion pinched tight around Kayla’s throat, and she took her time answering. “I haven’t forgotten.”
“Listen to me, being an old-fangled lady.” She gave a dry laugh. “If you want a career instead of a family, that’s okay by me. I just want you to be happy.”
And I want a world where career and family aren’t mutually exclusive.
She didn’t say that out loud. There was no point—not really. “I am happy,” she said softly. “And I’ll try to make it out before the end of the year. Maybe Christmas?”
“Oh, that would be perfect!” Her mom was off and running. “We can rent one of those buses to drive around and look at Christmas lights. The whole family—your sisters and all the husbands and the nieces and nephews and…”
She let her mom prattle on, ignoring the painful squeeze in her chest as she scratched Fireball behind the ears. He whined and licked the back of her hand, sensing her tension. She forced herself to smile, to sound enthusiastic about her mother’s holiday plans.
“That sounds great, Mom,” she said. “Let’s do it.”
She could already picture herself alone on one of those bus seats. Her sisters would be snuggled up to their husbands, their children wide-eyed and buzzing with Christmas cookies and anticipation for Santa. Even her parents would look like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting, her father’s arm slung around her mom’s shoulder as their glasses twinkled the reflection of holiday lights.
“You know, sweetie,” her mother concluded, “you don’t have to be alone.”
Kayla drew a breath. “I’m not alone,” she said too quickly. “I have a dog now. And friends. Good friends I love.”
“Of course you do. I didn’t
mean—”
“And I’m taking myself out to dinner tomorrow,” she said. “All by myself, just me.”
It sounded so silly when she put it that way, but it was a big deal. To her, anyway.
To her mom, not so much. “That’s wonderful,” her mother said in a voice tinged with something that sounded like forced wonder. “It sounds so lonely to me. Maybe Tony could go with you?”
Kayla closed her eyes and fought the urge to scream. “Maybe.” There was no point saying anything else. Not when her mom saw things in two-by-two arrangements, the whole world paired off in perfect little duos. “I’d better go, Mom. I love you.”
“Love you, too, sweetie.”
As Kayla clicked off, she looked at her dog. “You’re lucky to be neutered.”
Fireball cocked his head and whined.
“Okay, maybe not lucky,” she amended. “Having your balls cut off is no picnic.”
Fireball licked her hand, then hopped off the bed and scampered into his crate to grab the firehose toy she’d bought him at their last stop. He scrambled back on the bed and placed it in front of her, ready for a game of tug.
“Is that what you want?” She grabbed one end of it, and the dog snatched the other, yanking and pulling and doing his funny little purr-growl. “You’re so tough,” she cooed. “Such a big, tough guy.”
Fireball yanked harder, determined to prove just how tough he was.
“You want to come with me to Ohio?” she asked. “We could make a road trip out of it. Go for a ride. You’d be my date to all the family stuff.”
Fireball stopped tugging and wagged his tail, delighted by the ride part of the plan and not much else. “Maybe I don’t have the husband or the babies, but I have you, puppy boy.” Kayla pressed her lips together, wondering if her book had a section on giving yourself a pep talk. “I’m happy,” she insisted. “I am.”
Fireball yipped and grabbed the end of the toy again, yanking it from Kayla’s hand. She laughed and watched him shake it back and forth, fierce in his determination.
“I should be more like you, buddy.”
He gave a sharp woof of agreement, then dropped the toy and got to work licking his butt.
“Or not.” Kayla sighed and went to take a shower.
…
Tony took a deep breath and glanced at the door. “She should be here any second.”
“You seem nervous.” Kayla squeezed his knee under the table. “Are you nervous?”
“Maybe a little.” He took a sip of his ice water and glanced at the door again. “This was one of my…uh…uglier breakups.”
His last memory of Abby Carson was her yelling at him about always trying to fix everything instead of just listening like she’d asked him to. Or something like that. He might have spaced out on some of the details.
All right, maybe it wasn’t the best move to rip out all her cabinets and remodel her kitchen just because she’d complained once about the counters being too short. He thought he’d done a pretty good job, but her landlord had been unimpressed.
At least Kayla’s hand felt good on his knee—steady and reassuring. “Thanks for being here,” he said. “I couldn’t do this without you.”
“No problem.” Her fingers tightened around his thigh. “Is that her?”
He swiveled his gaze to the door, and there she was. Abby Carson, her dark hair flying behind her as she pushed a flowery stroller and charged toward them with a shoebox under her arm.
“Good,” she said without preamble, plunking the box on the table in front of him. “You can take your crap back.”
Kayla flinched beside him as Tony stood up to shake his ex’s hand. Or was he supposed to hug her?
Abby narrowed her eyes and looked at his hand like he’d spit in it. “Don’t try it, buddy.”
“Good to see you, Abby.” He sat back down, and Kayla scooted a bit closer. “Thank you for meeting me.”
“Yeah, well, what woman wouldn’t love the chance to tell her ex what an idiot he is?” She flashed a smile at Kayla and stuck out her hand. “Hi, I’m Abby. You must be Tony’s friend?”
“Kayla,” she said automatically, offering her most open smile. “It’s good to meet you.”
“Same,” Abby said. “Love your earrings.”
Kayla’s hands shot to the dangly bits on her lobes as she offered Abby an awkward smile. “Thank you. I’m kind of obsessed with emeralds, but these aren’t real.”
“Oh yeah?” She shot a withering look at Tony. “You mean like his capacity for human emotion?”
“Um…right.” She glanced at Tony. “Well, people change. Maybe Tony—”
“Is a self-absorbed, work-obsessed, commitment-phobic excuse for a human?” She cocked her head to one side. “Most definitely.”
Kayla winced and glanced at Tony. “I guess that’s one point for me in our wager?” she murmured.
Tony shook his head. “Pretty sure she called me an asshole, even if she didn’t use the word.”
“Oh, you’re definitely an asshole,” Abby offered brightly. “Not just the hole but the entirety of the ass.” She folded her hands on the table and smiled. “This is fun. Very therapeutic.”
“Glad it’s giving you some closure.” Maybe he’d made a mistake. There were plenty of other exes he could have met with. Was it really necessary to see Abby in person?
Tony cleared his throat. This was his chance to make amends. To show them both—Kayla especially—how far he’d come on this journey.
“Well, uh, first I want to say I’m sorry about how things ended with us.” He laid his palms on the table and focused on looking contrite. “I know I kinda ghosted you and—”
“Kinda ghosted me? Kinda?” She laughed, but it wasn’t a happy laugh. More like a fork stuck in a blender. “I was taking you to meet my parents. Not only did you fail to show, but the next time I heard from you, it was a postcard from Australia.”
Yeah, that was a dick move. He knew that now, and “sorry” would hardly do the trick. “I got called out pretty suddenly. Their fire season came early, and—well, anyway. I really am sorry.”
If he expected that to soothe her anger, he was sorely mistaken. “I dumped my boyfriend for you,” she snapped. “A good guy with a good job, all for some smokejumper who can’t be bothered to stick around more than two weeks.”
Tony blinked. He hadn’t known about the boyfriend, and he sure as hell hadn’t set out to steal anyone’s girl. “I’m sorry. I was selfish. I’m trying to work on that.”
Fuck, he sounded like a broken record. He glanced at Kayla, who calmly sipped her iced tea and smiled at the baby in Abby’s stroller. A little girl, judging by all the pink blankets, though maybe that was outdated thinking. He should work on that, too.
The way Kayla was gazing at the infant, it was clear baby fever had been triggered in full force. “I have a sister with a little girl about that age,” Kayla was saying. “Her name is Rose.”
A switch flipped in Abby’s eyes, and she beamed at Kayla. “This is Lily. Don’t you love how all these classic names are making a comeback?”
“Lily’s a great name,” Kayla agreed.
Tony thought about contributing to the conversation but wisely kept his mouth shut. At this point, there was nothing he could say to make this situation better.
The baby stirred, smacking her tiny rosebud lips. With a sigh, she ripped a fart so impressive that a couple turned around at the next table.
“Nice one.” He offered the baby a congratulatory air high-five.
Abby rolled her eyes as the couple at the other table furrowed their brows in concern. They turned back to their sandwiches, probably eavesdropping.
When he returned his gaze to Abby, she was glaring at him again. “Aren’t you going to open your box?” She folded her arms over her chest. “I kept it just for y
ou.”
Box? Oh, right. The stuff he’d apparently left behind at her place. He couldn’t imagine what it might be or why she’d hung on to it all this time. “Sure. Thanks for that.”
He unfolded the flaps, half expecting a live rattlesnake. Instead, it was filled with—
“Ash?”
“I burned it.” Abby flashed a smile with too many teeth. “A few pieces of mail, that mystery novel you loved…oh, and a T-shirt you left at my place. I think it said Moon Wok?”
“My favorite café in New Orleans.” He grimaced, knowing he had no right to mourn the damn shirt when he’d clearly wronged this woman a lot more than he’d realized. “All right,” he said, folding the flaps closed and tucking the box under the table. “I guess I deserved that. Is there…uh, anything else you want to tell me?”
“I’d like to tell you to go fuck yourself,” Abby said cheerfully. “But I don’t swear in front of my daughter.”
“That’s a great boundary to draw,” Kayla piped up, flashing Tony a quick look of sympathy. “My sister also has a rule about never fighting with her husband in front of the baby. I think that’s smart.”
He braced for Abby to make some angry comment, but apparently Kayla had found her soft spot. She was smiling and cooing and making lovey eyes at the squirmy little bundle in the stroller. “She’ll be two in November,” Abby said. “I’m planning a big birthday party for her, with cake and a clown and all her little cousins.”
As she rattled off party details, Tony watched Kayla. She practically glowed as she gazed at the baby, then lit up like a lantern when Abby asked if she’d like to hold her.
“I’d love to.” The reverence in Kayla’s voice made Tony’s chest ache. She’d make an amazing mother someday.
The thought of someone else fathering a child with her sucked the breath right out of his lungs. They contracted again as Kayla lifted the baby and began murmuring sweet words.
“And another thing.” Abby’s smile flipped upside down, and she glared at him again. “You put the silverware in the drawer wrong.”