by Tawna Fenske
“Or don’t click,” Cal supplied. “Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the parts.”
Kayla watched, fascinated. Maybe it really was that simple. You could have two guys who seemed virtually identical on the surface, and it all came down to some sort of weird mix of pheromones and chemical attraction. She wasn’t particularly attracted to Cal, while Tony’s presence left her buzzing with attraction.
She picked up her wineglass and took a drink, savoring the oaky, buttery notes more than she had with the first few sips. “Wow, this is really good.” She offered the glass to Tony, whose fingers brushed hers as he took it.
Kayla’s brain flashed to a childhood memory of her sisters laughing and teasing that if a guy drank from the same water glass as you, it was the same as kissing. She’d been repulsed at the time, seven years old and convinced boys had cooties.
Now, watching Tony’s mouth touch the same spot hers had, she felt an unexpected rush of intimacy.
“Mmm, that’s good.” He handed the glass back, fingers brushing hers again. “We should buy a bottle for our wedding night.”
The wink he threw her gave Kayla another burst of closeness. It felt like they were the only two people on earth.
But, of course, they weren’t. “Sorry, did you want to try it?” She held the glass out to Jessi, who shook her head.
“Actually,” Jessi began, sharing a secretive smile with Cal, “I’m not really drinking anything for now.”
Cal beamed and squeezed his wife’s hand. “For nine months, give or take.”
“Five more, you mean.” Jessi smiled. “We’re already through the worst of it.”
“What?” Tony jumped out of his chair as Cal did the same. The two met in the biggest, warmest bro hug Kayla had ever witnessed.
“Congratulations, you son of a bitch.” Tony clapped his friend on the back, laughing with genuine joy. “That’s fantastic.”
“Wonderful news.” Kayla reached over and squeezed Jessi’s hand, not sure if she should hug or play it cool. “Are you thinking boy or girl?”
“We already know.” Jessi beamed at Cal again, practically levitating out of her chair. “It’s a boy.”
“Anthony,” Cal supplied, fishing into his wallet for an ultrasound picture. “This one’s a little older, but you can still see some detail.”
“Oh.” Kayla took the picture, dutifully studying the little kidney bean with limbs. “You’re naming him after—”
“My father, yes. He’s a firefighter, too.” Jessi smiled and took the picture, passing it along to Tony. “Isn’t he the cutest thing ever?”
“Adorable,” Kayla agreed, marveling at more than just this wonder of procreation. “Absolutely adorable.”
…
“Huh.” Tony slid the key card into their hotel room door, still trying to process Kayla’s theory. “I’m not sure I see it.”
“I’m telling you, Jessi’s got a pattern of dating guys just like her dad. You and Cal are probably just the tip of the iceberg.”
He considered that as he pushed the door open, holding it for Kayla. “There was the guy right before me, too—Antwan something?”
Pausing at the threshold of the room, she gave him a look. “Was Antwan a nickname for Anthony?” she asked. “And was he dark-haired with a dimple in his left cheek and a fondness for fighting fires?”
Tony laughed and hooked the “do not disturb” sign on the door, hoping that wasn’t too presumptuous. Not like he was assuming they’d have sex. But the possibility was there, simmering just below the surface. Now that they’d crossed that line, he couldn’t bear the thought of uncrossing it.
“I never met Antwan, so I don’t know about the dimple or the firefighting,” he said. “He did have dark hair.”
“See?” Kayla flopped triumphantly on the bed as Fireball hopped up beside her and licked her face.
Tony had to give the dog credit. He’d lick Kayla from head to toe given half a chance.
“A pattern,” Kayla continued. “Did he also wear Seahawks T-shirts and eat Cajun tater tots?”
He sat down beside her, admiring the way her breasts moved with the bounce of the mattress. “No idea,” he said. “But I do know he was Black, so there goes your theory about Jessi dating identical guys.”
Fireball scrambled off Kayla’s lap and onto Tony’s, licking the back of his hand. Their man-to-man talk the other night had made them buds.
“It’s not just about looks.” She flopped back on the bed, breasts bouncing again. He had to stop staring. She rolled to her side, hair slipping over her forehead. “It’s more about personality and presence.”
Tony tipped Fireball off his lap and eased down beside her, so they lay together face-to-face. He didn’t touch her—not yet. But something about the way they fit together felt as intimate as if he’d reached out and skimmed her cheek with his palm.
“So what do you make of her comment about me not being her type?” he asked. “If Cal and I are identical, why is she married to him and not me?”
Kayla traced a fingertip over a seam in the pillowcase, not meeting his eyes. “Do you wish you’d married Jessi? Or anyone you’ve ever dated—is there one who got away?”
You.
Again with his goddamn subconscious interjecting itself where it wasn’t wanted. Where this couldn’t possibly go.
He took his time answering. “I don’t think I’d have been a good match for any of them. Not long-term.”
“That wasn’t the question.” Her gaze lifted to his and held fast, searing through his soul. “I’m asking what you wanted.”
Tony’s heartbeat thudded in his ears, a rush of noise and adrenaline like those first moments after leaping from the plane over some remote forest. He heard the rush of wind, felt the familiar sensation of free-falling.
“I want—” He started there, then stopped himself. There were a million ways he could answer that.
I want to know what a good, solid, healthy relationship feels like.
I want the kind of marriage where no one loses themselves.
I want to be someone’s safety instead of someone’s trap.
“I want—” Again, he couldn’t find a way to finish the sentence. Not without blurting a bunch of words he knew would change everything.
Because his want for her right now had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with forever. But that wasn’t something he knew how to do, and Kayla deserved better.
“I want—” He cleared his throat. “Oreos. Do we have Oreos?”
Kayla blinked. “Yeah. I think there’s still half a pack in the Jeep. Want me to run and get it?”
“No, I’ll go.” He was up and off the bed in seconds, almost like it was on fire.
Coward.
His subconscious screamed the word as Tony grabbed the room key off the dresser and made for the parking lot. He knew he had a few minutes, tops. Any more than that and Kayla would come looking, wondering what the hell had gotten into him.
He had his phone out and dialing in seconds, willing his brother to hurry up and answer.
“Yo.” Joel’s voice was way too cheerful for the conversation Tony needed to have.
“Has Mom called you?”
“What? Of course not. What the hell, Tony?”
He thought about lying. Pretending the whole thing was some sort of joke. But Dr. O’Toole’s words about honesty in relationships had gotten stuck in his head, and he heard himself blurting it out.
“She’s called me a few times.” He hesitated. “I haven’t answered, but I thought she might have called you first.”
“Uh, no. Haven’t heard a peep for years.”
Tony sighed, recognizing he owed his brother some explanation. “A long time ago, I told her not to call me ever again. Not unless she apologized to you. Or until she wanted he
lp getting out of—out of her situation.” Which she didn’t seem to. He’d texted back only once on this trip, asking point-blank if she was ready to make amends with her youngest son. If she was ready to accept their help.
She’d never responded.
Not to that, though she’d kept up with a barrage of messages. Strange stuff about politics, plus some memes that made no sense. Weird, after years of no contact. Maybe she’d finally lost her mind.
“No,” Joel said softly. “I haven’t heard from her since that day.”
Tony took a shaky breath. “If something were wrong, I’d hear from Leo. If she were hurt or in trouble or—”
“Right. Yeah, of course. Did you try calling him?”
“I texted. He said he ran into her last week at the store and things seemed normal.” As normal as they ever were, which was relative. “He offered to go check on her.”
“Good. I guess that’s good.”
“Yeah.”
The silence stretched out for a bit. For an instant, he was a terrified teenager again. Joel’s breathing, rough and ragged, reminded him of that night so long ago.
“I’m sure it’s fine,” Tony said. “She’s had plenty of chances to change things.”
His brother was silent. “You ever think it’s not that simple?”
“What do you mean?”
“Just that I’ve done some reading about this stuff. Gaslighting, or whatever they call it.”
“What’s that?”
“Sorta like being brainwashed,” Joel said. “Like you tell someone the sky is green instead of blue, and you say it enough times they start to believe it.”
“Yeah, maybe.” He’d have to google that later.
But a memory bubbled up to the surface: his mom’s third anniversary with Bud. She’d approached her husband with a smile that looked brittle enough to break. “I was hoping maybe we could go out to dinner.” She’d been straining so hard to sound upbeat, to avoid any hint of confrontation. “Maybe this year you could get me flowers and we could—”
“Christ, Connie.” Bud just shook his head. “I’ve gotten you flowers the past two anniversaries. Big, expensive ones. You remember.”
Tony was standing nearby. He knew damn well there’d been no flowers. There’d been nothing that bright and cheerful in the house for years.
“Of course.” His mother had looked down at the floor, laughing uncomfortably. “They were beautiful.”
To this day, Tony didn’t know if she believed it.
“Anyway, maybe it’s not so simple.” Joel’s voice broke through the haze in Tony’s brain. “Leaving, I mean.”
Yeah. The thought had crossed Tony’s mind.
And then he’d gotten all tangled up inside, because if a smart, loving, caring mom could become this whole other person who couldn’t find her way out, what did that say for anyone else?
His brother was silent on the other end of the line, waiting for some response from him. “Maybe.” He didn’t want to go there. Couldn’t go there. “Look, I’d better run.”
“Keep me posted if you hear anything?”
“Will do.”
He hung up the phone and shoved it in his pocket. Then he gripped the handle of the Jeep door and yanked. Nothing happened, because he’d left the goddamn keys back in the room. He leaned his forehead against the cold metal side panel, collecting himself before he walked back into the hotel.
The conversation with Joel—it was exactly what he needed. A reminder of why he couldn’t be with Kayla. Why he couldn’t subject anyone to the hell he knew a marriage could become. He had no business even thinking he could figure out what the fuck a healthy relationship might look like.
He took a deep breath, willing himself to return to the place they’d agreed to leave this. Friendship with benefits, pure and simple.
Glancing back toward the hotel, he knew damn well it could never be that simple.
Chapter Fourteen
They didn’t make love that night.
Have sex, Kayla reminded herself as she hovered on the brink of sleep with Tony lying beside her.
He’d been quiet when he’d returned to the room with a fresh pack of Oreos and a sheepish look. “Forgot my keys, so I walked to the store and bought more.”
Which made no sense, but she knew better than to probe too much when he got that furrow between his brows. Instead, she’d suggested they take turns rubbing each other’s shoulders as they nibbled cookies and watched late-night news.
At the commercial break, she’d asked about the family emergency he’d mentioned back at the restaurant. His shoulders had tensed under her palms.
“It’s nothing,” he’d said, picking up the remote. “Just a misunderstanding.”
What the hell did that mean?
Snuggling into her pillow an hour later, she couldn’t shake the sense of distance between them. Emotional distance, anyway. As her body fell heavy with sleep, gravity tugged her toward him under the covers. Her hip bumped his, and a pleasant electric current lulled her to sleep.
“Rise and shine, beautiful.”
Her eyes fluttered open. She’d just drifted off, hadn’t she?
“What time is it?” She blinked in the darkness, scanning the room until her gaze landed on the window. A gap in the curtains revealed a sky still inky and star-speckled.
“It’s just after five.” Tony eased onto the edge of the bed and rested a hand on her hip. Beneath the covers, Fireball grumbled and snuggled closer to Kayla’s belly. “I didn’t want to wake you, but it’s looking like it’ll be a great sunrise. You mentioned wanting to shoot one?”
She blinked again, photographer’s gaze catching a faint hint of sunglow on the horizon. Whoa. High, wispy clouds and the faintest hint of peachy sunlight starting to trickle through.
“Damn.” Kayla flung off the covers and sprung from the bed, earning a full-fledged growl from Fireball. “Thanks for waking me. Have you seen my hiking boots?”
Tony pointed to the door. “Right there. Your coffee’s on the nightstand. I’ll go warm up the rig.”
“I think I love you.”
She said the words jokingly, but his shoulders tensed just a little as he backed toward the door.
“Bet you say that to all the guys who take your dog out to pee while you get dressed.” He grabbed Fireball’s leash off the dresser, jangling it to get the little dog scrambling out from under the covers. “Come on, boy. Let’s pull the Jeep around for your mom.”
Mom.
People said it all the time, even when referencing pets. But something about it sent an odd pang of longing through her. Probably just missing her mother. As she bounded to the bathroom to brush her teeth, she made a mental note to call later.
It’s not about your mom. It’s about the idea of being one yourself.
Kayla frowned at herself in the mirror, annoyed with her brain for going there. Yeah, she wanted kids someday. Wanted marriage and the whole happy mess.
She’d tried so hard to follow this path to self-improvement. To work on her issues so she’d be in the right headspace to meet her soul mate when this wild road trip was all over.
But the longer she spent with Tony, the more she feared she may have already met that soul mate. That he was the last man in the world who’d be ready to chase those dreams with her.
She rinsed her mouth and finished her business in the bathroom before hurrying to dress. Thermal undies; extra layers up top, since temperatures had dipped low through the night. Moving quickly, she grabbed her Hydro Flask and sprinted out the door with her camera bag over one shoulder.
Tony smiled at her as she opened the Jeep door, grinning broader as she climbed inside. “Ready to do this?”
“Let’s go.”
Fireball yipped his agreement, and they set off, driving toward the forest. They
’d picked a hotel not far from the fringes, and Tony drove like a guy who knew exactly where he was going.
“You haven’t been back since the J & J fire, right?” She took another swig of coffee, admiring the flex of his forearms as he turned the wheel.
“Nah, but my brother worked a bigger complex out here a few years ago. That one blew up pretty fast, so no time for smokejumpers.”
“Your brother the Hotshot.”
“Yeah.” An odd look passed over Tony’s face. “Joel.” He spoke the name softly, staring straight ahead. “Did I tell you he’s been married almost two years?”
“No. That’s—great.” And an interesting piece of info for him to choose to share. “Do you like his wife?”
“Husband,” Tony corrected, and Kayla felt like an ass. “It’s okay,” Tony said as she opened her mouth to apologize. “I should have clarified.”
“No, I shouldn’t make assumptions.” She knew better than that. “Is the husband a good guy?”
“Yeah, he’s great. They have a really cool relationship. Joel’s gone a lot fighting fires, and Marc’s a doctor who travels all over doing these medical missions in third-world countries. They’re not together as much as most married couples, but they’re nuts about each other.”
“That sounds sweet.” And interesting. Was that what Tony pictured when he thought of marriage? Distance, either physical or emotional.
She started to ask, but a burst of buttery orange light flooded her view. “Oh my God.” Fumbling with her camera, she kept her eyes on the eastern horizon as Tony pulled into a flat spot off to one side of the dirt road. “I have to hurry.”
“Go,” he said. “I’ll leash the big guy and follow.”
She was out of the Jeep before it even stopped rolling, sprinting for a spot in a clearing between fallen trees. Dropping to one knee, she fired off a couple test shots. Peered through the viewfinder, made some adjustments, then raised the camera to her eye again.
“Wow.” Tony’s voice rumbled with reverence behind her. “That’s gorgeous.”
Glancing over her shoulder, she saw his eyes weren’t on the horizon. They were fixed on her, though he jerked them quickly to her face.