by Joey W. Hill
As his expression shuttered, she gave him a shrewd look. He drew her attention to Jackie’s return. “Look at that. He got her to change clothes. She’s actually prettier that way, I think.”
Jackie wore an old pair of jeans that fit her lower body well, but the long sleeved thin T-shirt and patched quilted vest for outerwear emphasized how thin she was, making Farida’s heart twist with pity despite her wariness of the woman. It wasn’t like she could do anything to hurt Kane, but John was right. Sometimes Kane seemed inordinately interested in the goings-on between humans, even unsavory ones. Still, Farida saw something in her face, maybe what Kane had seen. There was more there than just a hardened streetwalker.
The woman had removed her makeup. Though Farida could sense the age of a human and knew Jackie was no older than John, those years had taken a far greater toll on her. Farida watched the two settle on a bench, Jackie a little distrustful when Kane gestured her to sit first. Then he bemused her further by sitting down and leaving an appropriate amount of space between them. She offered him a sip of her cider a few moments later, hesitant, and he took one brief swallow, smiled. Kane’s smile could muck up a woman’s radar, even a pro’s. He knew it, but his use of it was never calculated, making it all the more appealing.
Glancing at John, Farida saw the brooding look in his eyes she’d seen on both his and Kane’s faces far-too-frequently during this particular visit. Especially when one was looking at the other and thinking the other didn’t notice. Girls didn’t have near as much drama as two men on the outs with one another did, she reflected darkly. Probably because girls believed in talking to deal with it, whereas boys... Boys liked to brood.
“Okay, what’s bugging you?” she demanded.
John glanced her way. “What do you mean?”
“Something’s not right between you and Kane.”
John curled a lip. “Talk to Kane about that. He’s been blowing hot and cold since I've been home. I shouldn't let him get to me.”
“It’s probably just the age thing.” Farida pointed out the obvious. “You've gone off to school three times, first for your undergraduate and twice for your masters. You've traveled overseas by yourself to all sorts of places with that international study scholarship you won when you were twenty. You could be married and have kids by now, whereas Kane, only a few years younger than you, is so closely supervised we felt like we had to sneak out tonight like stupid human teenagers. Lord Brian is the only born vampire who’s ever been accelerated enough in impulse control to be on his own in his twenties and thirties, and he’s like this science genius. Like you," she added with a half-smile.
“If I could be half as smart as him, that would be something.” John had tremendous respect and not a little awe for the vampire scientist. He shifted on the bench. “Kane told his mom where we are, by the way. I caught that before he shut me out again. She’s okay with it. Wants us to pick up cookies for his dad.”
“Oh. Well that’s good. Think she told my father?” At John’s wry look she rolled her eyes. “Dumb question.”
"I get what you mean about everyone being overprotective of him,” John said. “But you both understand why. If his bloodlust had gone full blown and pulled you in with it, that guy would be nothing more than a greasy spot, and your parents would have a mess to explain to Council."
"Of course we get it,” she said impatiently. “We’re not idiots. It doesn't mean it's always easy to take." She sighed. "Kane told me once he understands why we’re not supposed to have fully marked servants until we’re past fifty and can go out more on our own. We'd off our servants out of pure resentment.”
"He said that?"
"He wasn’t talking about you. Well, yes, but not in that way. You’re not his fully marked servant." She put her hand on his arm. "Don’t worry about it. You know how we can be."
“Yeah.” But in truth, John was a little hurt at how short Kane had been with him since he’d been home. He felt locked out. He’d never been jealous of Kane’s bond with Farida before, but until this visit he’d also never felt that detachment from Kane that John had felt from other vampires. That ‘Oh, a human. Just a human. Not really one of us’ bullshit. He’d spent his entire growing up years around vampires. He was used to the attitude, had thought he’d accepted it long ago, but maybe that was because he’d never gotten it from Kane.
“This year, he turned twenty-five,” Farida said quietly, watching his face. “My mother told me that’s a weird year for a vampire male. A lot of changes happen, emotionally, physically. I asked Lord Brian about it and he told me all this stuff you would understand more than I did, but it boils down to him being more unpredictable right now. He’s even more reserved with me, in some ways.”
“In some ways. Not in others.” John’s lips curved as her cheeks colored.
“Yes. There’s that. That’s different too. More intense or something. Not sure how to deal with it yet.”
John lifted a shoulder. “Choices aren’t always what they seem. Never as straightforward as you think they’ll be.”
“Stop hinting and just spit it out,” she said, giving him a narrow look. “Else I’ll pinch you like I did when I was little.”
“When was that? A month ago?” He fended her off with a grin, then sobered. “Okay, fine. I’ve been offered a position at a research facility in Switzerland. It’s one of the most important think tanks in the world right now in terms of disease research. I’d be working with top researchers in the field. I wouldn’t be much more than a lab tech at first, but still…”
“Wow. John, that’s amazing. Brilliant, in fact.” She gripped his arm, and John realized how much he’d hoped for this approbation from Kane, the light that sparkled in her eyes, her genuine pleasure at his accomplishment. “You must be over the moon. You’ve worked so hard for that kind of recognition, but I mean, this is even beyond that, isn’t it? This is like a step beyond what you even dreamed would happen.”
“Yeah.”
And leave it to Farida, so insightful, to understand the crux of it in almost the next breath. “What does Kane say?"
“He doesn't,” John said darkly. “He said ‘congratulations’ in this absent way and went on talking about something else.”
“Oh, Kane. You ass.” Her voice softened over it, though, which actually helped some. It was as she’d said. Understanding something didn’t make it easier to take, necessarily, but if he stepped back from it, it did make sense. He had hoped to receive recognition from his closest friend, but he’d achieved an accomplishment he’d thought years away, while Kane… Kane was worried he’d get into trouble for going to the mall.
She put her hand over his. “Once he pulls his head out of his own ass, he’ll tell you how very proud of you he is. As I am.”
“Pull his head out of his ass? I think you’ve been spending more time around Gideon.”
“No, that one comes from my mother. She’s said it about my father plenty of times.”
“A singular honor only she and Lady Lyssa are granted. Anyone else who’s said it probably is no longer breathing.”
She dimpled at him, but wouldn’t let him off the hook yet. “Is all this why you haven’t pursued marriage and children, John? Do you even date? Men? Women?”
“Some. Both. And I do well enough with either.” John’s brow furrowed. “I guess I don’t really have to try to explain it to you, Rida. He and I, we’re not a relationship like humans being in love. It’s just I’ve always…belonged to him. So when I told him about the think tank, I was hoping for some indication from him, some signal.”
“And he pretended you didn’t say anything significant.”
“It’s more than that.” He struggled to find the right words. “It felt like he was saying, ‘Yeah, that's great, but we both know you'll be staying with me and becoming my full servant.’ Unless I say otherwise. Which he assumes I won't, and I…don't know."
Her brows lifted. “I guess most of us did. But Kane always said it was
your choice.”
“That’s what he’s always said. But lately it’s like he’s patronizing me. Assuming it’s idle talk, because it’s a done deal, no further discussion. ‘Shut up, human, and do what the vampire says.’”
“Do you feel like that’s what you have to do?”
Removing his arm from the bench, John leaned forward to clasp his hands between his spread knees. “I don’t know.” His voice dropped several octaves, suddenly laden with misery.
Farida’s gaze turned to Kane, still talking to Jackie. She seemed to be relaxing more, their conversation easier. She even smiled at something he said, looked down at her cider. As he reached out, touched her hair, her gaze lifted to his face, uncertain but no longer as wary. Kane was studying her so hard, as if trying to recall something.
“Do you have any clue what Lady Lyssa thinks about it?” she asked John, keeping her eyes on them.
“Well, that was the surprise.” John straightened. “Lady Lyssa hasn’t said it directly, but if I had to bet on it, I think she’s with my granddad. She supports me having a normal life, a family.”
“Really? I mean, that’s good. If you want it to go that way, it’s important that you have her support.”
“Yeah. I’ve been around her all my life it seems. Though I know nobody except Jacob probably gets everything about her, Kane says I sometimes read his mom even better than he does.” He uttered a half laugh. “Want to hear something weird? The other day she called me Thomas. I’m not even sure she realized she’d done it, but we were debating something I was researching. She likes to do that, challenge me on ideas, get me thinking about it in a new direction. When I came up with a point that surprised her, she smiled and said, ‘Thomas, you’re wise beyond your years.’”
John sighed. “She loved him, too. Just not the same way she does Jacob. And when we’ve skirted around the edges of it in conversation, it’s like she knows whatever I’ll be to Kane, it won’t be like…what she has with Jacob. And I think she knows that’s not going to be enough for Kane. Or me.”
“Is she right?”
“I think it was enough for Thomas. Sometimes I’m pretty sure the same would be true for me. I don’t know.” John ran a hand over his face. “Damn it, Rida, Kane knows I'll deny him nothing. I’ve never resented that before, never been angry at him about it. I get that he’s going through shit right now, but I’m still a little ticked. You know?”
She put her hand on his again. Turning his hand over, he linked fingers with her. “I can’t imagine having any two friends closer to me than you both are,” he said slowly. “But it feels like there’s this crack that’s opened up in the earth between us, and I see Kane moving in one direction, above me, and me somehow descending so I’m staring up at him. I was in the kitchen the other day with the Council servants, and I felt a kinship with them that Kane couldn’t share when he came looking for me. I thought, ‘Good. You know how it feels to stand on the outside for no other reason than what you are.’” The bitterness fell from his expression and he shook his head. “Is it just jealousy? And can you even answer it? You’re standing on that side of the wall with him.”
It took her aback, but she realized he said it without belligerence, an honest question. “There are always divisions, John,” she said, considering it. “I’m a female vampire, and there are differences between us and the males that make the females have our own little club mentality as well. But look at Mason and Jessica, or Lyssa and Jacob. The way they feel for each other bridges every gap.”
“Yeah. Maybe I thought Kane and I had that in our friendship. But though I love him more than I think I could possibly love anyone, I’m not in love with him. Does that make sense?”
“I think there are so many different types of love out there,” she said. “We usually screw up when we try to define one as better or more than another.”
“Maybe so.” At a loss with what to do with the subject for now, he turned it back toward her. “You don’t seem to get as antsy as Kane does about the restrictions.”
“It’s a little different for us female vampires, as sexist as it sounds. The protectiveness does get irritating, but it’s like it makes more sense to us, or we handle it better. Males, once they reach a certain age…they’re safer.”
John looked at her quizzically and she offered a little smile. “It’s not a talk you guys would have gotten from Lyssa and Jacob, because Kane’s a male. There are other threats to a young female, especially a higher-ranking one. We’re still a prize to certain sorts.”
“We shouldn’t be here.” John started to stand up, but she tightened her grip on his hand.
“Nothing has changed. We’re still only a few minutes from home, we’re at a mall, it’s Christmas. And now Lady Lyssa knows we’re here. Right?”
Somewhat mollified, John eased back down, but she suppressed her frustration as she saw him take an additional look around them, gauging risk. “Hey, look at me. You asked why we handle it better. That’s part of it. The rest of it is just Kane himself. I mean, look at him. He has an energy swathe of fifty feet out on all sides, the charisma of his father and mother combined.”
John shook his head. “Which comes right back to the problem. How does anything compare to him, Rida? Anyone? He fills up all the space around my life when I’m with him. Until these past few years, I always figured I would be his first third mark when he makes that decision. So why should I slap at him for the same assumption? Maybe the one I’m really struggling with is myself.”
“We’re young, John. No longer children, but still facing so many new choices. That’s what my mother says.” She looked toward the male in question, at his noble, perfect profile, the easy way his energy surrounded and controlled the air around a woman, making her feel safe, overwhelmed, anxious and pleased at once to be in that unnerving center.
“I see the way he looks at you,” John said, low. “He’s thought a lot about you, but I don’t know his mind on it.”
She shrugged, feeling that heat tinge her cheeks again as John chuckled. “See?” he said. “It’s like we’re planets orbiting a sun. We can talk about choice all we want, but in the end our existence depends on his warmth. His light.”
“Doesn’t mean I won’t slap his ear through his head if he needs it,” she said defensively, but she cocked her head, considering. “He is important to me. But I don’t really know how it’s going to go between us. Am I in love with him? Or in love with him in this moment of time? Sometimes I think we’ll end up the way his mother and my father have. A relationship that evolves into this wonderful close bond, even as they give their souls fully to someone else entirely.”
Smiling up at John, she laid her head on his shoulder and slid her arms around him. “Then again, maybe we’re all just being too damn serious about it. What we should be doing is just enjoying whatever our relationship is right now, without trying to lay down the track and direction it will take in the future. For instance…” She scraped a fang along his neck, teasing the pulse there with soft lips. “I’d like to share you with Kane, for a meal. I’d love to do that while you’re home. We’ve never done that. I think it would be wonderful. What do you think?”
* * *
A smile flirted around her sensuous lips. Even though he knew she was trying to ease the mood, he could tell she was actually serious. She slid a knuckle up his abdomen to his chest, played with his skin through the buttons of his shirt. John put his forehead against hers.
“See? Sex is like breathing to vampires. It doesn’t mean the same thing to you two it would mean to me. It’s easy for you and him to overwhelm and then move on to the next meal. The next human chattel,” he muttered.
She drew back, stung. “That was unkind, John.”
He realized it almost at the same moment and cursed himself for the cruelty. He’d wondered if he should have come home for Christmas at all. Then he thought of how Kane had hugged him when he arrived. A hard embrace that had been a little fiercer than John ex
pected before the vampire had detached himself, emotionally and physically, as if he had revealed more than expected. He tuned back in to Rida, the hurt on her heartbreakingly beautiful face. He wasn’t the only one trying to figure out what the hell they were right now.
“I’m sorry, Rida. So sorry.” Taking her hand, he pressed his lips to it. “You’re right. That was unforgivable. I’m just dealing with shit. You didn’t deserve that.”
“No, I didn’t,” she said. “How could you say something like that, John? Kane and I aren’t like a lot of vampires. We know what a relationship between a vampire and human can be. I’ve grown up seeing how my father feels about my mother, and I know you know how Lyssa feels about Jacob. We would never see you as ‘chattel.’ What a horrible word.”
“I know that. But, no offense, it is different for you. You don’t feel for me the way your father and mother feel for each other.” He touched her face. “We’re a weird combination of friend, brother-sister, Master-Mistress-servant, and lingering childhood crush, because I’m the familiar and the unknown at once.”
He dropped his gaze to her hand, opening it up in his to trace her palm with a finger, run his thumb over her pulse, a caress. “Sex is a choice for you, Rida. For a servant, it’s different, and even us second marks know that. Hell, I probably knew it way earlier than most.” He gave her a wry smile. “My granddad was so relieved that I could piggy back in on Kane’s sex talk with Lady Lyssa when I was a kid. He didn’t know I could have been dropped off in an Amsterdam sex district and not received as thorough an education on the birds and the bees as I did that evening.”
At her quick grin, showing he was completely forgiven, he continued, a little more relaxed. “After her talk, there was a follow up with Jacob as well. It was about sex involving servants. Expectations, etiquette and all that, proper behavior for when Kane started having sexual designs on humans. Which, for male vampires, happens at about thirteen, whether or not he’s ready to handle it. Since that was around the age I started to be interested in seeing girls naked, male vampires and humans are about the same on that. The only difference is that safe sex for vampires isn’t condoms. It’s ‘don’t drain your partner of so much blood they die’.”