by Misty Walker
I don’t look up as I hear the door open.
I don’t breathe as she walks out the door.
I don’t move as the door clicks shut.
I just hold onto every sensation of her being mine, even if it was all a sham.
You know the craziest part of this whole thing? I don’t think she brushed her teeth this morning, and I don’t care in the least.
It’s only a ten-minute walk from Law’s house to our camp when I cut through the neighborhoods. I spend that time trying to come up with an excuse for last night. I don’t give myself a chance to think about Law and our goodbye kiss. If I do, I’ll just cry and I can’t show back up at home with red, swollen eyes.
The only thing that will save me is if Indiana and Charity kept their traps shut about me leaving with a man. A gorger. Chances are about fifty/fifty. If they stayed out of trouble while I was gone, then I doubt they said anything. However, if they did something naughty and are trying to get out of punishment, then they most definitely threw me under the bus.
The morning is hot and suffocating. Sweat drips down my back and saturates my shirt. When I finally see our group of trailers, I’m drenched and parched. No one is milling about, but it’s only 8:00 a.m. The men heading to work are the only ones awake at this hour.
I open the door to our trailer as quietly as I can, sticking my head in first to see if anyone is awake. The curtain is still drawn around my parents’ bed, their only semblance of privacy. I see two small lumps in the loft I share with my sisters. I don’t see my brothers anywhere, but that’s not abnormal. I tiptoe inside and shut the door silently. I slowly climb the ladder to the loft, knowing exactly which rungs are squeaky, and I avoid them. I’ve just gotten to the top when the curtain opens and Dad hauls himself off his bed.
Dad is a burly man. He’s a good amount overweight, but it’s all settled in his belly. Romani men tend to be hairy and Dad fits the bill. He has hair growing out of his ears, a thick fur on his back, chest, and shoulders, even his toes have a layer of dark growing around them.
Dad is in his underwear and as he stands up, he scratches himself and farts. He hasn’t noticed me and I’m trying not to gag as I take the final step up to my bed. I cover myself up and watch as he makes a batch of instant coffee to put into his thermos. Mom adores Dad, everything about him. She even likes the body hair. I once overheard her telling Nuri about how it makes him feel manlier. So fuckin’ gross.
I try to imagine Wen when he’s older. I can only guess he’ll start growing a forest of fur at some point. Just because he doesn’t have it now doesn’t mean it won’t happen someday. Maybe it already has and he manscapes. A shudder runs down my back.
Dad pours the coffee into his thermos and gets dressed in his work uniform. Old, worn-in jeans and a T-shirt with pit stains. He pulls a clean pair of socks from the bin under their bed and sits on the plastic-covered couch to put them on, along with his shoes.
“You just going to watch me get ready for work, or are you going to do some talking?” His deep voice is trying to stay quiet, but it still rumbles through the air. Dad’s eyes meet mine and I know I’m busted. I huff and climb down the stairs. Dad jerks his head toward the door and I follow him out. We sit down on two plastic lawn chairs by our door.
“Wanna tell me where you were last night?” He has an eyebrow raised up high as he leans down, resting his arms on his thighs.
“Did Indie and Char say anything?” I need to know what kind of lie to tell.
“Nope. I was in bed before them.” Okay, good. That gives me a good direction to go.
“I met someone a few days ago, and she needed some help last night. I crashed at her place when we finished.” I keep my voice steady so I don’t expose myself.
“That right?” Dad stands up, thermos and keys in hand. “Well, don’t get too comfortable hanging out with a gorger. I don’t like it.”
“I won’t, Daddy. It was just this one time.” I peer up at him, searching his face for any kind of suspicion, but there’s none.
“I’ll see you later.” Dad gets in the van and moments later Braithe and Wen stumble out of their trailer, both bleary-eyed and not awake yet. Braithe hauls himself into the passenger seat and Wen opens the door to the back, but before he gets in, he looks at me. I offer a small smile and wave. Wen just stares before shaking his head and getting into the vehicle.
What was that about? Maybe he knows I was out all night. Maybe Indie and Char got to him. I’ll have to interrogate them when they wake up.
The van drives away after a few more men load up. I go back in the trailer, then climb into the loft and under the covers. My tiniest sister curls into me and I lay an arm over her, kissing the top of her head and breathing in the smell of youth and freedom.
I finally allow the emotion of leaving Law to flood my mind. Every time I think I have flushed him from my life, we find our own crazy way back to each other. Like magnets drawn together. I’m the South Pole, and he’s the North. Completely opposite in every way, but an inexplicable attraction neither of us can explain.
I think that’s over now. We have hit the end of our path together now that he knows my whole truth. I allow the tears to fall. I pull my sister even closer and let her comfort to ease my mind. I’m doing this for them. It’s not just me who would suffer the consequences of my actions. Being exiled would leave all four of them heartbroken. So I let it all out, and when the exhaustion becomes too hard to fight, I fall asleep.
Later that day, Indiana and Charity confirm Wen saw them walk home alone last night. He asked who I was talking to, and they told him the truth. The little shitheads. Luckily, they don’t know Law’s name or anything about him. They could only tell him he was a gorger. There are hundreds of thousands of male outsiders around here, so Law will remain a mystery.
“Who the fuck was he?” Wen asks me for the millionth time. I’m furiously scrubbing dishes after he gave me the third degree throughout dinner.
“I don’t have to answer to you. He was just a friend. He needed help, so I helped him. That’s it, now stop asking.” I, not accidentally, spill a bowl full of dirty, soapy water down the front of him. “Oops, better go clean yourself up.”
“Thea, this isn’t over. You’re about to be my wife. You can’t just go around with other men.” He storms off to his trailer and slams the door.
“Good riddance,” I huff, rolling my eyes. I lose myself in the work of washing the dishes, ignoring everyone and everything around me. My fingers prune as I scrub and when I finish, I turn my bin over to dry and toss the apron I had on.
I look around to see what everyone is doing. I see Freedom chasing Indie, Char and a few other girls around with a dead squirrel. They’re squealing in horror while Free just laughs and keeps chasing them. I look for Leander, not spotting him in the chaos all around the compound.
Curious about his whereabouts, I walk out into the field I had found him in days ago. It’s still light outside, and it doesn’t take me long to spot him. He has the same blanket outstretched. He’s on his stomach facing away from me. If I didn’t know what I was looking for, I would think he was napping. But I know there’s a book under his arms and he’s reading intently. He hears my approach and quickly covers the contraband.
“Want to tell me what you’re hiding under the blanket?” I sit down next to him, outstretching my legs and leaning back into my hands behind me. Leander is a cute young man. His dark hair is long and flops in front of his face a lot. He has freckles on his nose and cheeks and his long eyelashes frame his eyes that are more green than gold like mine. He’s at that point where he resembles a man more than a boy. His baby cheeks have thinned and his jaw line is more pronounced. He has prominent muscle from hard physical labor since he was old enough to swing a hammer. Dad had to show him how to shave last year because sporadic facial hair had grown in patches on his lower cheeks and on the outside of his upper lip. He’ll make some Romani girl very happy.
“Want to tell me who
you were out with all night last night?” he returns. We’re playing this game again.
“I will if you will.” I’m desperate for someone to talk to, and if we both have something to hide, my secret will be safe with him.
“O-okay.” His stutter tells me he’s unsure. “But you have to go first.”
I sigh. Where do I even begin?
“I have been hanging out with a gorger. He kissed me and I like him a lot.” Verbal diarrhea flies out of my mouth. Leander smacks a palm to his forehead as shock spreads across his face.
“Thea! What the fuck were you thinking?” he whisper shouts.
I throw myself flat onto my back and groan.
“I wasn’t thinking. That’s the problem.” I drape an arm over my face.
“You have to break it off. If Mom and Dad, or hell, if Wen finds out you kissed a gorger, you could be exiled. That’s forever, Thea. You can’t come back from that.” His tone is stern, and he is telling me things I already fucking know and it causes my temper to rise.
I sit up quickly and look him dead in the eyes. “You don’t think I know that? I’ve already broken it off. A couple times actually.”
“Who is he?” His curiosity is piqued.
“His name is Lawrence. He works at The Grand Royals Casino.”
“How’d you meet?”
“Funny story. Remember the guy you stole the wheels off his car at the beach?” A soft smile plays at my lips.
“You’re kidding!” Leander’s eyebrows pop up.
“Nope,” I say, popping my P.
Leander shakes his head in disapproval. “It better be over for real.”
“Okay!” I snap.
“Okay!” he snaps back.
“So, what’s your secret?” I arch a brow at him. He doesn’t answer right away. He just stares at the lump of the book below him while his hands split blades of grass into hairline pieces before he tosses them back into the field.
“Well, you know how Freedom and I dropped out of school when we each hit eighth grade?” He squints over at me, the sun hitting his eyes. “I, uh, never really dropped out.”
“What? How? Why?”
“I mean, I dropped out of the high school we were going to, but I enrolled in online high school instead.” Leander pulls the text book from under the blanket. I read the letters on the book P-H-Y-S-I-C-S. It’s a word I don’t recognize. “I’ve been going to the library during the day if I can, or in the evenings, whenever I can get there.”
“Wouldn’t Mom and Dad have to sign you up for that?” We both know neither one of them would do that. They’ve always told us an education is a waste. The only reason they allow the boys to go is because they need to know how to read well and do basic math for the jobs they’ll be doing.
“I kinda forged their signatures.” Leander cringes. “I knew they wouldn’t agree, but Thea, I’m good at school. Really good, actually.” He sits up straight and turns his whole body to me, excitement filling his voice. “I get fantastic grades and my online advisors say I have a chance at getting into a good college.”
I smile at my brother and rest a hand on his knee. “That’s amazing, Leander. I’m proud of you.” I pull my hand away and set it in my lap. “I just don’t know how realistic it is for you to go to college. You know what Mom and Dad would say. This is uncharted territory for us. No one has ever gone to college.”
He sighs. “I know, but I’m in my senior year and I need to tell them soon so I can start applying for colleges.”
“What do you think they’ll say?” I take the book from him and skim through the pages. It’s all just a blur of letters and numbers. I don’t understand any of it.
“I hope they’ll want what’s best for me, but realistically, it’ll be a fight.” He takes the book from my hands and hides it under the blanket again.
“Does Danior know about this?” Danior is his best friend and I’m curious if Leander has shared his secrets with him. The two of them have been especially close the last few years, camping away from the compound at night. I have my suspicions, but I would never vocalize them. None of my secrets would even compare to that one.
“No. I don’t think he would understand.” He runs a hand through his hair. “Apparently he’s leaving to be married anyway.” His legs draw up to his chest and he wraps his arms around them, resting his chin on his knees.
“Well, I’m here for you, brother. Whatever you need.” I give him a soft smile.
“I know. I’m here for you too. I want to be, at least. But if you get caught with a gorger, Thea, I won’t be able to help.”
I nod at his words. I wouldn’t expect him to stand up for me in that situation. Getting caught with a man who isn’t my husband or fiancé and not one of us is one of the worst things I can do in my parents’ eyes.
Mark stopped by my office when I showed up to work late and hungover after my drunken night. He didn’t even ask questions. He took one look at me, gave me a pat on my back, and walked right back out of my office.
That was weeks ago and since then, I’ve become obsessed with working. Again. The only thing I can get to make sense are the numbers. Everything my employees hand in to me, things I wouldn’t normally question, are double and triple checked by me. When I go home, after everything has been organized and reorganized, I play with the stock market. I research companies I don’t even plan on investing with, but at this point, I’m doing whatever I can to keep my mind busy.
This morning started out no different. Run, coffee, shower, fifteen minutes to work. Park my car and walk through the casino toward my office. Only now, instead of paying attention to how to cut operating costs, I look at every woman I encounter. Hoping to see one with wild hair, throwing around sass like confetti.
I see her in every young woman who passes. I don’t understand how I found myself in this situation. Sure, I’ve seen attraction at this level. But those were just movies or TV shows. I’ve never seen a grown ass man pine after forbidden fruit in real life and if it weren’t happening to me, I would be disgusted. Life is about getting ahead and challenging yourself, not going after a young girl who you have no business being with.
It’s then I spot her. She’s wearing cowboy boots and a white dress that billows around her as she moves through the casino. Her hair is down and I fixate on the way it bounces and swirls. Fifty feet, that’s the entire distance separating us. I pick up my pace, desperate to get closer. She weaves in and around the crowds with purpose, but I gain on her. I get a whiff of incense and it makes me smile. When I’m finally close enough, I reach out and grab her upper arm, halting her forward momentum.
“Thea,” I call over the noise of people and slot machines. She turns and instead of gold eyes, I’m met with boring brown ones. Instead of a cute button nose, this girl has a sharp pointed one. And instead of full, pink lips, this girl’s mouth is a straight line. “I’m sorry. I thought you were someone—” I don’t finish. I just turn and walk the other way, back to my office where there are numbers waiting for me. Formulas for me to write. Spreadsheets waiting for me to input numbers.
I have to get her out of my mind.
“Indie, I brought you something.” I hold my hands behind my back.
Indie holds a single finger to her chin and closes one eye. “Hmmm, I pick this one.” She reaches out and taps my right hand. I bring both of my hands out front and open them, the right revealing a new button.
“I love it! Thank you, Thea!” She grabs the button from my hand and inspects it. “The Biggest Little City in the World,” she reads. She removes her jean jacket and searches for an empty space. When she finds a suitable place to put the button, she attaches it and then puts the jacket back on.
Indie collects buttons from all the different places we have been. Mom used to do the same thing, but Indie spent so much time going through Mom’s buttons. She gave them to her and told her to continue the tradition.
She has forty-seven buttons, well, forty-eight now. They aren’t the
enamel pins you see people buying these days. The buttons she collects are the old-fashioned, steel pin-back type. Her jacket must weigh two pounds extra just in buttons, but she loves it.
“I didn’t have one for Reno. I could never find the perfect one.” She pulls the lapel of the jacket out and looks at the button again. “This one might be my favorite.” She gives me a hug and meanders off, admiring the button as she goes. I smile, knowing I made her day.
I grab a few carrot sticks Mom was cutting up, accepting the hand slap she gave me before I could escape.
“Those are for dinner!” she scolds. I just smile while chomping. I grab a bottle of water and make my way to the picnic bench closest to our trailer. Sitting down, I eat my snack and watch the activity going on around me. I wonder what Law would think if he spent a day here. He would hate it. The chaos, the dirt, the inability to sterilize. I smile, but my heart hurts.
The first couple days after I left Law, standing there, a-fucking-gain, I spent playing my guitar and singing on each street corner closest to The Grand Royals Casino. Hoping to get a peek at Law.
It didn’t happen.
What did happen was a sixty-five-dollar busking without a permit ticket, but lucky for me, I don’t exist. I gave him a false name and went on my way. Poor Kristi Webster, she’ll get that ticket and be so confused.
After that, I spent my days at the library with Leander and did some good old Internet stalking, but my boring, stable Law had no social media profiles anywhere. I stooped to reading his LinkedIn profile and finding his headshot on the casino’s website.
Eventually I had to accept this is my life, and I went back to doing what I do best. Conning people. Only now it wasn’t for the money, it was for the distraction. Dad took me to festivals. We did some old-fashioned pickpocketing and walked away with close to fifteen hundred dollars. It was nice to spend some bonding time with Dad. We hadn’t done that in a long time.
That’s where I got Indie’s button. There was a vendor selling all sorts of Reno memorabilia to all the vacationers. It wasn’t hard to pocket the small button. I also pocketed a Grand Royals Casino magnet, but that’s for me. Just a little something to remember Law by.