Ace (Syns of Desert Angels MC Book 1)

by L. M. Reign

  “You should’ve fuckin’ told me. I would’ve been there!” I yell at her, ashamed of the crack in my voice.

  “And what would that have changed? You decided we were done without my input.”

  “It would’ve changed everything,” I seethed.

  “We would’ve been a couple of obligation and I would’ve resented you just as much as you resented me.

  There it is. All my dirty secrets are out. I don’t want to talk about the past because I’m fucking tired, Cole.

  I got tired of waiting. Wondering if you were ever coming back. I’m fucking tired of being hurt. Of torturing myself with the memories of you and me. The dreams of a future and a beautiful baby. I’m so fucking tired!”

  “You should’ve fuckin’ told me!” I slam my fist on the counter, the spice rack rattling.

  “I wanted a family,” her eyes bore into me. “But not like that. That would’ve been toxic and detrimental to us both.”

  “You made a decision regardin’ my baby without tellin’ me,” I spit back, ignoring her reasoning.

  I fuckin’ hate the sight of her.

  “And you made a decision regarding our relationship without telling me,” her eyes flash with anger.

  Scoffing, she throws her hands up. “I had an abortion because my baby daddy took off, and I wasn’t in any position to take care of the baby alone.”

  “You wouldn’t have been alone.”

  “Forty-eight days,” she whispers. “I was alone for forty-eight goddamn days, Cole. Forty-eight days of knowing your child was growing inside me. Forty-eight days of knowing you were running rampant out there. Forty-eight days not knowing when exactly you stopped loving me. Forty-eight goddamn-fucking days, Cole.”

  “You were alone because you chose to be!”

  Her tears were now flowing freely, soaking her cheeks. Turning, she wiped her face on her sleeve, taking a deep, hiccupping breath.

  “Now you know.”

  I began running through my memories with her the past few weeks. Her hesitancy to commit. Her resolve to not discuss the past. The reasons and fucking excuses for why we won’t work.

  She’s fuckin’ right. We don’t work.

  “We aren’t going to get anywhere with this,” she tells me, turning around. Her red-rimmed eyes tell a story of utter relief, guilt, and sadness.

  I watched, immobile, as she walked towards the door, unable to resist the barb that escapes me.

  “Yeah. Fuckin’ run away. Goddamn coward.”

  She freezes. Her hand tightens on the doorknob. Keeping her back to me, she shakes her head before flinging her own barb back. “I learned from the best.”

  And just like that. She was gone again.

  Chapter 18

  Cole

  “Brother.” Brass settles beside me on the edge of the lake.

  “Brother,” I slur, mockingly. Drinking whiskey straight from the bottle.

  “Your Ma is pissed.”

  I shrug. I don’t care if Ma was pissed about it. The excitement I felt when I first saw the sonogram was crushed the moment I realized that she ripped away the one connection that would link us forever.

  “She killed my baby,” I force myself to say out loud. Reminding myself why I hate her.

  Thumbing the picture, I rub my finger over the little guy. He would’ve been four and had a smile like hers with my dimples. My hair and her eyes.

  Before this, I never realized how much I actually wanted kids. How much I wanted to hold that tiny body in my arms. And gently rub his little head when he woke up and his little back when he was going to sleep. The scan was just a hateful reminder of my unmade plans.

  “I would’ve been a great dad,” I say earnestly. “I would’ve loved the shit out of that kid. Loved him with nothin’ but the truth.

  I would’ve fuckin’ been there for her, you know? Every step of the way. Watchin’ him grow into his skin at each doctor’s appointment, watchin’ her stomach swell up.

  I wouldn’t have missed a single smile or laugh. Not one. I would’ve protected him. And her.”

  “I know, brother. I know.”

  “Mind if I sit?” A voice comes from behind us.

  “Jesus, fuck!” Brass yells. “You almost made me piss my pants. Fuckin’ hell, Milo.”

  “Fuck off,” I slur, not bothering to turn and face him.

  “Here,” Brass gets up. “Make sure he doesn’t fall in and drown?”

  There must’ve been silent affirmation that passed between them because my brother was content enough to leave me alone with this ninja bitch.

  Milo clears his throat once he’s settled in beside me. The silence is peaceful until the roar of Brass’ bike interrupts.

  “Yo-”

  “Don’t,” I cut him off, not willing to hear a damn word he has to say in her defense.

  “I’m goin’ to talk anyway,” he ignores me. “When I’m done, you can fucking fall in and drown for all I care.” I snort.

  Classic Milo.

  “I had a girlfriend a few years ago. She was murdered a few weeks before mom died. Her name was Stella. She,” he paused, clearing his throat before continuing, “was beautiful. The most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen.

  She’s the one I saw every single time I thought of my future. Marriage, kids, everything. She was it. My one.

  And she was ripped away from me. The last time I saw her is the one memory that haunts me the most.

  She had a job and was gearing up to head out. Promised she’d text me when she got back. Only she never made it back. She was captured. Dismembered. Spread across the city like she wasn’t the most valuable thing in my goddamn life.”

  I sit, digesting his words. Feeling saddened by his loss and selfish because Mila was still here. Still alive. Still fucking breathing.

  “Losing her broke me just like losing you broke Mila. Only, you willingly pulled away from her. You made my sister happy, man. She looked at you like you were the only person in the fucking world sometimes.

  It grated on my fucking nerves because I didn’t want to watch my sister date my best friend. You are part of some of the best fucking memories of my life. You’re also part of some of the worst for Mila. Do you blame her for not telling you?”

  “She should’ve kept it. Should’ve told me.”

  “What did you expect her to do? Send a fucking message by raven? You cut her off, man. You cut me off. Might’ve been the best decision at the time.

  Dad and I both wanted to kill you for knocking her up. But, for the sake of the argument, let’s say she did do that.

  Where would you two be right now? Because honestly, I don’t see a good life if she had told you. I don’t see a future if she stayed.

  You were, still are, held onto with a vise grip by Bodi. He wouldn’t let you go. So, the only other option would be for Mila to stay.

  Would she have been welcome where you are? Would she have been safe? Safe from other men? Women?

  We aren’t deaf, Ace. We heard what your dad thought about the Syndicate around town back then. Shit, we hear what you guys think of the Syndicate now.”

  The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. We wouldn’t have been happy. Mila would’ve been living a meager existence, holed up at home, like all the other club wives. Taking care of my kids while I most likely fucked around on her.

  She would’ve been exactly what I wanted to save her from.

  “She would’ve ended up like my Ma. Exposed and probably doin’ drugs.”

  Milo nods, accepting my honest answer.

  “She would’ve been exactly what I wanted to save her from. That’s why I pulled away. I wanted to save her from this.”

  “I see that now,” he agrees. “I didn’t see it then. Still think it was fucking dumb. But, all I saw was the hurt. The aftermath of you.

  She didn’t make the decision to have an abortion without giving it a lot of thought. She didn’t think you were coming back. And you weren’t.
>
  Believe me, man. We tried to get you back. We bargained for you. My dad bargained for you. Offered Bodi cash and the promise of a better. Dangled it like a carrot in his face but, no dice.”

  “Fuckin’ hell,” I groan. The growing resentment I felt towards Bodi had finally reached a breaking point. He drove me away from her and made damn sure it stayed that way.

  “Mila loves you. Why? I don’t know. You’re ugly as shit.”

  I grinned at him, shaking my head. “But you don’t get to call her a murderer. Or a coward. It was her body, her decision.

  She’s the strongest fucking person I know, and I’ll be damned if I let you break her again. When I told you I’d kill you, I meant it. I can and will do it, Ace. Don’t forget that.

  The facts are, you left her. She was pregnant. You left her before she found out she was pregnant.

  At that time, it was already too late. That’s some tough shit. If Syn,” he says the word with mock disdain,” has taught us anything. It’s that shit happens. We adapt, and we survive. That’s what binds our souls together; hers and mine.

  That pain of love and lost. We get it. We’ve lived it. You’ve lived it. I think it’s high fucking time we stop punishing ourselves and each other and get to the part where we start enjoying life.

  Right now, I know you’re so focused on how broken you are because of what she did, but when you get through your pain, you’ll see the eighteen-year-old woman that went through that alone. You’ll have more respect for her. She lost you and the baby within the span of a few weeks.”

  I scoff. “Some fuckin’ advice.”

  “I could talk your ear off about the shit she went through, but you’re too blinded by your own monsters to see hers. You both have problems and pain, but maybe you’re what she needs to get through it. Maybe she’s what you need to get through yours.”

  “Doubt it,” I snort.

  Rubbing his hands on his pants, he takes a deep breath. “If you doubt it, then let her go. Let her move on and be happy with someone else.”

  I jerked back from him like he burned me. The idea of letting her move on to be happy with someone that’s not me burns my soul.

  I’m so fucking angry at her, but goddamn it, I love her. I wouldn’t even begin to know what my hand would be without her heart to hold.

  He gave me a pointed stare. “Thought so. When you’re ready to get your head out of your ass, we’ll be around. Not for much longer, though.” He gets up from his perch, heading in the opposite direction. “And Cole?”

  I don’t bother turning back to him. “What?”

  “You’d be a great dad.”

  Chapter 19

  Cole

  The next few days were spent in a drunken stupor, only leaving my room when I needed to; mostly when I was low on whiskey or had a full bladder.

  Brass and Ma call a million fucking times, frustrating me to the point where I turn the damn phone off to focus on the bottom of the bottle.

  My mind constantly drifted back to the baby, grieving for the child I could’ve had. I found myself thinking about her often. Wondering what she’d have looked like with her stomach swollen with him. If she’d have had those weird cravings or morning sickness.

  I wondered if she’d have gotten emotional hearing his heartbeat for the first time. I wondered and wondered and wondered some fucking more. This woman makes me feel so many fucking emotions that I wonder if this is what women feel like when they’re hormonal.

  Is she as torn up as I am?

  Does she regret it?

  Does she regret me?

  My pride was too wounded to reach out to her. To let her know that I still loved her even though I was hurt and angry as fuck. When I left, I was just trying to save her from the poison that my life would’ve brought her. That’s the thing about poison. It’ll follow you, waiting in the shadows for the opportunity to pounce, desecrating the best parts of you and those you love.

  My plan to save her from this doesn’t matter much now. Not when Bodi was the one spreading poison behind my back all those years ago, preventing me from having a better life than the one in DAMC. I don’t regret trying to protect her because I wouldn’t have my brothers. But I regret not being able to have the option to leave with them. Or to be a father.

  The vision of my son is burned into my mind, and I’m amazed at what just one picture could do. That tiny blot should’ve been something that brought us together, but we couldn’t be further apart.

  And it’s all my fuckin’ fault.

  I feel my weight shift under me, struggling to keep my eyes open as I hear a grunt. I’m upside down, my arms dangling like dead weight above my head. I hear the murmurings of annoyance and frustration before I’m shoved against the wall.

  Cold water shocks my body, forcing me to take the deepest breath as I struggle to stand, arching my back off the wall.

  “What the fuck!?” I groan, the water slowly changing to a bearable temperature.

  “You need to get up,” Brass orders. Shutting the glass door to the shower, he shuffles around on the opposite side.

  “I don’t have to do anything,” I mumble.

  “I figured you’d say that.” I hear more shuffling on the other side before I’m doused in ice cold water again.

  “Son of a bitch!” I holler, blinking up at the now empty pitcher dangling over the door.

  “Get up. Or I’ll do it again.” The threat of cold water forces me to my feet.

  Clinging to the walls for stability, I send a silent prayer that I can get through this until he leaves. Stepping out of my wet boxers, I toss them over the door, hearing the wet splat.

  Lathering up, my thoughts drift to the last few weeks. To how hell-bent I was on showing her that I had changed. That I can be better. That I am better. All that time I spent choosing her again and fucking again when she didn’t choose me but for a quick fuck spiraled me down. I should’ve fucking known she was using me. And I let her. I was so desperate for Mila that I took her any way I could get her. Even if it was scraps.

  The desire to feel something was overwhelming and the shower wall took the brunt of my fist. Each hit harder than the last until the water started to run red.

  I was pissed. Pissed at her for using me for my dick and pissed at myself for not making her talk about the past sooner. I could’ve handled that revelation better. Controlled the damage of my careless words. We should’ve had that conversation in private.

  I’m pissed at myself for the man I’ve become because I’m so fucking ashamed of him. I should’ve stayed with my girl. I should’ve been a better man.

  I snort at the thought. Who was I kidding? I wouldn’t have stood up to Bodi then. Not when he had me so fucking twisted. Knowing what I know now, I’d have done it in a heartbeat. I’d be with the girl that loves magnolias so much. The one that holds my bleeding heart. The one I’d give up everything for.

  Of all the voices clamoring in my head, only one is crystal clear. She’s standing from a distance, looking at it all while shaking her head at the mess I’ve made. I’ve got two options - I can stay and wait until my time is done or I can go and get my girl. My chest tightens as memories of Mila assault me.

  Her laugh, her smile, her hair.

  Making up my mind, I wash off and step out, grabbing a towel from the rack.

  “Oh, dude,” Brass walks in, covering his eyes. “Put your dick away.”

  “Fuck right off,” I growl, wrapping the towel around my waist. I walk past him into my bedroom, rummaging for clothes. Heavy footsteps follow, a looming omen for what he says next.

  “Shoulda answered your fuckin’ phone,” he faces the wall, “Bodi called church. We need to head out.”

  “It died,” I lie. “Go without me.”

  A noise of protest leaves him. “Can’t. Bodi is specifically requestin’ you be there.”

  “Goddamnit,” I slam the drawer. “I got other shit to do.”

  “Like find Mila? Ness says she’s fine.
Been workin’.”

  Slipping on a pair of boxers and jeans, I zip them hastily. “She at Lotus?”

  Turning around, he shakes his head. “Look, we have a run. Bodi’s requestin’ you be there. Find your girl later, man.”

  “I want out,” I cringe, waiting for the impact of my words to crush me. Not from Brass’ reaction but from my soul. I expected some obliterating sense of desperation to wash over me at the thought of losing the brotherhood. Something to lance through me, screaming that I was making the wrong decision.

  It never came.

  Brass leans against the door, crossing his ankles. “I’m goin’ to pretend I didn’t fuckin’ hear that my brother wants to abandon his club. Here,” he throws a rag at me. “Clean your fuckin’ hand. Clear your fuckin’ head, and let’s get the fuck out of here.”

  I shake my head, knowing he wouldn’t understand. I can’t explain how fucking tired I am of being under Bodi’s thumb. How I’m so fucking done being his instrument of pain when he’s been behind the scenes orchestrating mine.

  The bastard preyed on my weaknesses, getting into my head and convincing me that I was worthless. That she would be, too.

  She deserves better from me.

  “You really need to let me tell someone, Cole,” Mila whispers as she dabbed the latest cut on my cheek. Bastard surprised me from behind when I got home from school a few hours ago. Pounding on me anywhere he could get me until a blow to my head took me to my knees.

  He didn’t stop then, sending the steel toe of his boot into my ribs, legs, and face. All while yelling about how I ruined his fucking life and how he intended on ruining mine.

  “You’re worth nothin!” He yelled. “Actin’ like you’re better than the rest of us just because you’re fuckin’ that little bitch. You will ruin her. Get her drugged up like your Ma. You belong to me, boy. To DAMC.”

  Shaking the thoughts away, I groan; clutching my side. “No. If you,” I pause, sucking in a painful breath. “If you tell someone, it’ll get worse. Just. No.”

  “Okay.” That was it. One word from the girl with the pretty blue eyes before she sat on the mattress beside me, stretching her legs out, and scooting against the wall.