Ten, nine, eight… I counted silently in my head, willing myself to calm down. Lawson was just acting like a typical kid, which he didn’t do very often. Unfortunately, he’d chosen a morning to do it when my tether was already shorter than usual.
“It sucks.” He kicked his feet against the bed as he bellowed into the pillow. “I’m not staying with Tessa. I. Want. My. Red. Shirt.”
“Enough,” I snapped, my voice raised several octaves above its usual pitch. “It’s not gone, and you will be staying with Tessa. You’ll be nicer to her than you’re being to me right now, while you’re at it.”
His whining stopped, and he sat bolt upright on my bed, his eyes narrowing and his arms folding over his chest. I lifted my eyebrows, waiting for him to follow that glare up with another complaint.
He didn’t.
Shooting to his feet, he pursed his lips at me and then stormed out of my room. Holy crap on a pop tart.
If this was what I had to look forward to when he became a teenager, I’d have to start keeping some of those herbal calming tablets around. Hell, maybe not even the herbal ones. Prescription grade would have come in handy right about now.
Shoving my hands into my hair, I took a few deep breaths and instantly felt like a big, fat turd for having raised my voice at him. Before I could go to his room to apologize, beg forgiveness, or explain why I had lost my temper, Tessa flew into my room.
“Are you ready to go?” She checked her own watch and frowned when she saw the state of my hair and the pile of jackets which I had yet to choose from. “Take a gray one with that blouse and get out of here. You can’t be late. This is the first time they’re using you.”
“I know, but I just got into it with Lawson and I—”
She raised a hand. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of everything. Just grab the jacket and go. Maybe bring some ice cream when you come back. A little bribery can go a long way in apologies, as long as the words themselves are sincere too.”
Despite the havoc racing around inside me at having had one of my rare fallouts with Lawson, the stress about being late, and the nerves about doing my first shoot for a new client, I smiled.
“True, there’s nothing a sincere apology and a gallon of ice cream can’t patch over.” I grabbed the jacket she’d suggested from the pile and pulled it on, flipping my hair out from under the collar. “He was looking for his red shirt. I think it’s in the dryer. Thank you, and good luck, and I love you.”
“Love you too,” she called after me as I sped out of the room.
The few minutes I had lost to indecision about leaving and my argument with Lawson had pushed me into that traffic sweet spot, that lull just after rush hour and before the next jams started up. I gunned my way across town, barely sticking to the speed limit as I raced to make it to the shoot on time.
“Ms. Zeller,” a voice exclaimed as I stepped into the lobby at the address that the client had emailed to me. “I’m so glad you could make it. We’re all set up in the conference venue and the welcoming speech is just about to start.”
I dared a look at my watch and saw that the liaison I had in this building hadn’t been kidding. They really were punctual. I offered my welcoming party a smile. “Call me Raeanne please. If you would show me the fastest way to the venue, I’d appreciate it.”
“Tory,” she replied, flashing me a polite grin. “Right this way. Boy, I’m glad you made it. I was starting to get worried that you might not.”
“I’ve had one of those mornings. I’m sorry for keeping you waiting.”
Tory tossed me a sympathetic look over her shoulder as I hurried to keep up while lugging my equipment bag with me. “We’ve all been there, but you’re here now. Let me know if you need anything.”
I nodded as she pushed open an impressive set of double doors, leading me into a conference venue with at least a hundred and fifty people inside. Most were already in their seats, but a few were still mingling as they clung to the last few minutes before the speeches started.
Carefully setting my bag down on the floor, I extracted my tripod and camera. I raced through getting ready and even managed to snap a few shots of the crowd before the imposing-looking man who’d interviewed me for this job took his place on the podium.
I zoomed in on him, doing my very best to put the argument with Lawson out of mind. But I couldn’t do it. I had gotten so frustrated with him, and I shouldn’t have.
Shame flowed through my veins like a living thing, swimming back into my brain every time I tried to focus on anything else. Throughout the day, I received a few messages from Tessa assuring me that he was okay.
But the guilt I felt just kept becoming worse because I should have been the one with him dealing with it. I couldn’t be, and I knew that I had to work in order to keep us going, but there was no guilt like Mom Guilt. And I was suffering from a double dose of it today.
Tessa: Found the shirt. Crisis averted. Good luck.
Tessa: Went out and got more milk. He’s much happier now that he’s had his cereal.
Tessa: Gave Declan a call before lunch. He might pop in for a few minutes later. Little man is thrilled.
Tessa: That man is fucking great with him. Little man is back to normal, curled up with a book.
Tessa: Ordering you some pizza for dinner. BTW we’re having pizza for dinner.
By the time I got home, Tessa was lying on the couch in front of the TV. The volume was low on the documentary she was watching, and she looked up when she heard me coming in. “Hey, you. Lawson’s in bed already. How was the shoot?”
“Exhausting.” I huffed out a breath as I collapsed on the armchair beside the couch, immediately putting up my feet to rid myself of the torture chambers otherwise known as heels. “I’ve been running around in these damn things all day. My toes are going to fall off.”
I groaned a sigh of relief when they landed on the floor with a muted thud, pulling my right foot up first to rub the tortured flesh. “How did it go here? You said he calmed down?”
She waved her hand. “Yeah, almost immediately after you left. I found the shirt in the dryer, just like you said, and his meltdown halted in its tracks. You know how it goes. Everything is awful while your mother is around, and then when she leaves, you slowly realize that the sky isn’t coming down at all.”
I smiled. “I’m really grateful that you managed to keep the sky up. Thank you.”
“Anytime.” She reached for her sneakers lying next to the couch and sat up. “I’d better get going, but I’ll see you tomorrow. We’re still on for dinner, right?”
“Right.” I stood up when she did, walking with her to the door. “I owe you for today, so expect something delicious.”
A dreamy looked crept into her eyes. “You don’t owe me anything, but I’ll look forward to eating something delicious. See you tomorrow.”
“Good night,” I said. “Thanks again.”
After I locked the door behind her, I wandered to my room and changed into my pajamas. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and climbed into bed, but everything felt off. I’d been hoping that Lawson would still be awake when I got home, but of course, this would be the one night he went to sleep early.
Sleeping or not though, I needed to be near him. My heart had ached all day, and I couldn’t shut it down. Eventually, I gave up on trying to and went to his bedroom, curling up around him and holding my baby boy in my arms as I drifted off to sleep.
Chapter 25
Declan
Dinner with my snobby-ass family was drawing to an end, and I once again questioned how I had the same blood as these people running through my veins.
Daisy sipped her smooth red wine, leaning back in her chair as she pouted. “It’s only another couple hundred thousand, Daddy. Why should I have to sign something saying I’ll pay it back this time? This line is going to be a raging success, and now you want all my money before I’ve even made it.”
“Why don’t you use your own money?” Da
d asked. “You have a trust fund. Use it.”
“But that’s my spending money,” she whined. “Why won’t you just give it to me instead of making me pay it back?”
“If this line is going to be such a raging success, paying back a couple hundred thousand shouldn’t be all your profit anyway,” our father said. “Well, it would be a couple of hundred thousand plus interest. Of course.”
“Of course,” Charles agreed, although I supposed he would be an expert on having these talks with my father. “I’ve invested in a new venture as well.”
“Really?” Mom leaned forward, once again having eyes only for her oldest son. “Do tell us about it, darling.”
“It’s also in the fashion industry,” he said with a familiar, smug grin spreading like slime across his face. “Color-changing logos on T-shirts. It’s revolutionary technology. The guys who hold the patent for the fabric were planning on holding on to all the profits themselves at first, but I managed to convince them to cut me in.”
I groaned out loud, unable to keep the sound in even though I’d been trying my utmost fucking hardest. It was no wonder Raeanne despised rich people so much. These ones were apparently my family, and I couldn’t fucking stand them.
“What did you do to convince them this time, Charles?” I asked, my groan already having drawn their attention to me. “Offer them so much money that you knew they wouldn’t be able to refuse it if they actually wanted to make their dreams come true?”
He nodded, the smugness practically radiating from him now. “I simply reminded them that money makes money. In exchange for fifty percent of their company, I gave them what they needed to give them a leg up they wouldn’t have gotten otherwise.”
“Fifty percent?” I snarled. “That’s despicable. Daylight fucking robbery.”
He smirked but sat back in his chair when our mother rounded on me. “It’s not Charlie’s fault if that was what they were willing to offer.”
“I’m pretty sure they didn’t willingly offer it to him,” I replied coolly, fighting to keep my calm. “In fact, I’m pretty sure there have been a whole host of delays in their business recently that forced them to fork over more money than they had.”
“What are you insinuating, Declan?” Mom spat but didn’t wait for an answer. “It’s so easy for you to sit there and hurl vague accusations, but what are you doing with your life? Nothing like what your brother and sister are doing.”
“I don’t want to have anything like what they have,” I replied, venom dripping from my words. “I want something of value.”
“My line has value.” Daisy pouted.
Dad rolled his eyes at her, but the rock-hard orbs swung my way next. “We’ve talked about this. At least they’re trying.”
“Yeah, trying to waste your money,” I snapped. “Say what you will about me, but I’ve neither lost nor wasted a single cent of your money on a meaningless venture that you know as well as I do is going to fail.”
Charles reared back, and Daisy glared daggers at me, but neither of them moved to jump in. They knew Mom would fight their battle for them. Disappointment so sharp it actually managed to make a few slices to the armor around my heart swirled around in her green eyes.
“I don’t even know why I bother to invite you to these dinners anymore, Declan.”
My gaze remained locked on hers, even though I hated seeing the way she was looking at me right now. I’d wanted to tell them about my plans. I wanted to ask my dad for advice and Mom if she might support me the same way she did my siblings, but everything about her demeanor right now stopped me.
She looked at me like I was lower than shit in the deepest part of the ocean. Dad didn’t intervene on my behalf either, but I didn’t need him to fight my battles. I wasn’t like my brother and sister, and I’d always known it.
“Honestly, I don’t know why you drag me to these things either. I’ve never fit in with this family, and you know it as well as I do.” It was unexpectedly tough to say the words out loud, but they needed to be said.
I could have sworn I saw a hint of pride in my father’s expression, though, in the sudden gleam in his eyes and set of his jaw. But I had no idea what that was about, and I was probably imagining it anyway, so I ignored it and pressed on as I pushed back on my chair.
“While I’m at it, I’m moving out next month. Consider this your official notice.”
I spun on my heel and left deathly silence in my wake as I marched out of the dining room. The emotions warring in my chest for my attention were so different, and yet each one was so powerful.
On the one hand, there was pride, relief, and a sense of achievement for finally having stood up to them. On the other, there was a deep well of grief opening up over the fact that no one had even tried arguing with me when I said I didn’t fit in.
But I wasn’t going to dwell on that. It was just a fact, and it was something I had come to terms with long ago. I hadn’t given a fuck about it then, but I was finding that now that I’d opened myself to feeling something at all, I was feeling a hell of a lot more than I had bargained for.
That was all this was. It had to be. A throwback to the grief I should have felt when I first realized I didn’t have any sense of belonging with my own family.
Although I was known to be an entitled rich prick who didn’t have any fucks to give, there had always been fundamental differences between me and the people who sat around that table with me.
Dragging my hands up and down my face when I stepped outside, the scruff on my chin and cheeks scraped against my palms. The slight burn was welcomed as I released a roar into the darkness of the night, jogging away from the main house to get away from them as fast as I could without actually running away.
When I was halfway to my house on the other side of the property, I had calmed down enough that my brain caught up to where I was going. All I wanted was to see Raeanne. I didn’t know why, and I didn’t want to.
Questioning myself just didn’t make sense right now. The burning urgency in my gut wanted Raeanne, just to talk to her and to be near her. I had been on my way to jump into my SUV and race to her place, but I stopped to pull out my phone.
The moonlight filtering through the leaves fell onto the black mirror of my screen and cast my reflection back up at me. I looked positively murderous, with my hair standing up in all directions from having tugged at it so much and my eyes looking like narrowed obsidian pits.
Never mind. I’ll be fine by the time I get there. Bringing the screen to life, I scrolled to her number and punched down on the green circle before I could second guess myself.
“Hey, Declan,” she answered a few seconds later. The mere sound of her voice was like being doused with a soothing balm. “What’s up?”
“Can I see you tonight?” My voice was rough, but I didn’t offer an explanation.
Apparently, she didn’t need one. “Sure. Tessa came over for dinner, and we’ve just finished, so I’ll ask her if Lawson can stay with her and meet you at your house.”
Fuck. That was the last complication I needed right now: to have to explain the damn compound. I wouldn’t be here for much longer anyway. “No, that’s okay. It will be better if I just came over to your house.”
“Okay,” she replied after a brief pause. “Give me a few minutes to make arrangements with Tessa, but she’s already offered to have him stay at her place tonight, so I’m sure it will be fine.”
“See you soon.” I walked into my house and didn’t bother switching on any lights as I made my way to the bathroom.
“See you soon,” she echoed before disconnecting the call.
While waiting to hear from her, I splashed some water on my face and flicked on the bedroom light when I walked back into it. I was already shedding the suit I’d worn to dinner, changing into a comfortable, washed-out pair of jeans, and an old hoodie. I grabbed a coat and was just transferring my wallet into its pocket when my phone chimed.
Raeanne: Tessa and Lawson
are leaving in a couple of minutes. You’re welcome any time after that. Hope you’re okay.
I will be soon. I slid my phone into my pocket and headed out of my room, walking to my SUV at a clipped pace that reflected the urgency in my gut.
As soon as I was on my way, it started to ease with every mile I got closer to her. When I got to their house, Raeanne was waiting. She opened their front door when I parked, leaning in the doorway until I jogged up the stairs before she straightened up.
Without asking any questions, she opened her arms and wound them around my neck. I pulled her warm body against mine, feeling like I was breathing oxygen into my lungs for the first time since the altercation with my mother.
Raeanne nestled her face into the crook of my neck, and we just stood there for a minute before I released her slowly. “Thank you for letting me come over.”
“Any time,” she replied, a deep frown creasing her forehead as she gave me a long once-over. “If you want to talk about it, I want to listen.”
About to refuse her offer, I realized that I did want to talk to her about it. “Thanks, I think I do want to.”
A soft smile touched her lips as she stepped aside. “You’d better come on in then. Would you like something to drink?”
A metric fuck ton of alcohol might have gotten the job done, but if I’d really wanted that, I’d have called Finley up and met him at the bar. “No, I’m okay for now.”
“Let me know if that changes.” She led me into their house, taking me straight through to the living room where a roaring fire was crackling. Folding one leg beneath her, she sat down on the couch and faced me. “You don’t look so good.”
“I don’t feel so good, either,” I admitted, dragging my hands through my hair once more before I sat down on the opposite end of the couch. Already, I could feel some of the tension unwinding as I sat with her, the warmth from the fire seeping into the ice that had crept into my veins at my mother’s chilly tone.
Raeanne waited me out, serenely watching me as I tried to come up with a way to talk to her about it without causing another shit storm tonight. I took a deep breath, then ran with it the best I could.
Take It Down A Notch Page 16