by Anna Martin
“I just… I never gave it much thought before,” Tyler said. He tossed the towel onto the floor and rolled onto his back. “Am I gay?”
“Let me tell you a story,” Max said. He propped himself up on his elbow so he could look down at Tyler. His eyes were still shining with laughter. “I told my mom I was gay when I was fifteen. I was spitting mad at the world and very confused about the feelings I was having and ready to have to defend myself to her. But she didn’t care. She still doesn’t.
“When I was in college, I labeled myself as bisexual for a while, then pansexual,” he continued. “I liked being pansexual. I liked the idea that I didn’t discriminate against sexual partners based on their gender.”
Tyler thought he might know where this was going, but his head was still reeling. He folded his hands on his belly and decided not to say anything. Max reached down and tangled their fingers together, leaving them resting on Tyler’s chest.
“By the time I was out of college and, you know, living in the real world, I knew that I wasn’t interested in having sex with women. I guess I wouldn’t ever rule it out, but I’ve never felt enough sexual attraction to a woman to want to have sex with one. ‘Gay’ is a label that suits me now, and has done for a while. What I’m getting at is that your sexuality isn’t a fixed thing. It can change throughout your life.”
“How did I get to thirty-two years old and not realize this, though?”
Max punched him in the arm. “Did you listen to what I just said at all?”
“Sexuality isn’t a fixed thing,” Tyler parroted.
“Right.”
Tyler turned to face him. “Max, I’ve been attracted to men for a long time. I just never did anything about it because… well… I never had to.”
“Weren’t you married to a woman?”
“Yeah.”
“Not judging,” Max said. He rolled onto his back and shuffled over so his arm was pressed against Tyler’s. “You don’t have to define what you’re feeling right away. Sometimes it’s best if you don’t. It can take time to find something that feels like it fits.”
“My brother is gay,” Tyler offered.
“Josh?”
“Yeah. He was probably fifteen, maybe sixteen when he came out. Same as you.”
“How old were you then?”
“He’s two years older than me.”
“I’m pretty sure there isn’t a quota,” Max said. He was teasing again, but not in a cruel way. “There’s no limit on how many gay kids can be in a family.”
“I’m not the same as him,” Tyler said, not liking how small he suddenly felt. “He’s all the way out there, you know? Our parents joined PFLAG, marched in the parades with him. All that stuff. And I never felt like that. I’m not bold and bright and….”
“He’s your older brother. You saw him as a role model.”
“Yeah. I guess I looked at him and thought that was how a person was gay. And I’m not like that, so I couldn’t be.”
“It’s a label,” Max said. “I’m not always a fan of them personally, because it can stick over the top of who a person really is. You’re still you, Tyler. Your sexuality—however you want to label it—doesn’t define you.”
“What if I’m gay?”
Max shrugged. “What if you are?”
“I don’t know.” Tyler considered it. “This isn’t the most liberal county, Max, and I work for it. Josh and Toby have had to deal with a whole lot of shit. I’m sure the sheriff would be okay, but the other guys in the office? I don’t know how they’d react.”
“It’s not easy. It wasn’t easy for me coming out over a decade ago, and I doubt it’s much better now. We’ve moved on a lot, but attitudes are the hardest thing to change, and often the last. You don’t have to be out and proud right away. I actually wouldn’t blame you if you decided you didn’t want that at all.”
Max shifted until he was on his side, burrowing under Tyler’s arm to rest his cheek on Tyler’s chest. Tyler wrapped his arm around Max’s shoulders automatically, holding him close.
“You should stay tonight,” Max murmured.
“Okay.”
TYLER DIDN’T sleep very well. Max nodded off not long after Tyler wrapped him up in his arms and pressed his face to Max’s head, just to breathe him in. He kicked the comforter up from the bottom of the bed to cover them both and lay awake for hours, just thinking.
Max’s words had hit him hard. Taking Max out on a date was one thing. Impulsively jumping into bed with him and having sex was another. But coming out as Sweetwater’s only gay deputy? Because, Tyler knew, there was no room for nuance in this community. If people knew he was dating Max, he’d be labeled “gay,” tarred and feathered, and it would absolutely affect his job.
Would he even be able to keep his job? Not that Sheriff Coleman would fire him, he absolutely wouldn’t. But Tyler’s duty was as a community law enforcement officer. He knew almost everyone in Sweetwater, their workplaces and their businesses, and people trusted him to keep the peace and law and order in the town. Nasty prejudices were definitely still a thing, and if Sweetwater decided they didn’t want a gay deputy, they’d certainly figure out a way to get him out.
And what would he do then? His job in the sheriff’s department was supposed to be his career, something he could do for the rest of his life to support Juniper. The implications of his night with Max spread like ripples on a pond, touching all aspects of his life.
When the sun started to rise, Tyler did too. He went to the bathroom and washed his face, then went back to the bed where Max was still sleeping.
He kissed Max’s forehead.
“Hmm?”
“I need to head out. But I’ll be back later.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m good. Go back to sleep.”
“Okay,” Max said easily, rolling away and pulling the blanket around himself. Tyler smiled at him and got dressed in last night’s clothes.
He walked toward the pub as the sun took hold, burning off last night’s mist, hands shoved deep in his pockets. Before he got there, a familiar police cruiser pulled over and Wayne leaned out of the window.
“Reed?”
“Wayne, if you take me back to my car and never mention this again, I will buy you coffee every morning for the rest of your career.”
“I can definitely take you back to your car,” Wayne said, and Tyler heard the locks click. “I’m not promising anything else, though.”
Tyler laughed and got in the car anyway. “I thought it might be too good to be true.”
“So, what are you doing out walking the streets at six thirty in the morning?”
“My car’s in the parking lot at the Irish pub,” Tyler said.
“You know, I ain’t no taxi service. This ride doesn’t come for free.”
“Why do you think?” Tyler said with a laugh that felt too forced. Wayne didn’t notice.
“Tyler Reed, you dog. What’s her name?”
“Oh no, no way.”
“Really? Give a guy a break.” Wayne was married to a stunning redhead who made his life more difficult than he could ever have dreamed of. He still held the dubious accolade of being the only person in the department to have been written up for unauthorized recreational use of his handcuffs.
With Tyler refusing to give any details, Wayne detoured through Starbucks and ordered himself a breakfast sandwich, coffee, and three pastries, and made Tyler pay for the lot. Tyler didn’t think that was the last he was going to hear of it, not by a long shot, but it was a fair deal for Wayne going out of his way to take Tyler to his car.
Once Wayne dropped him off, Tyler went straight home to shower. He could still smell Max’s cologne on himself, and however much he was a fan of that, he didn’t think he could keep it there forever.
Still feeling off-kilter, he dressed, brushed his teeth, and got back in the car to go to his brother’s house, knowing Josh and Toby would be the only members of his family not in churc
h this morning.
Josh and his husband lived on the same street as Dana’s family, two streets over from their parents. Tyler was the odd one, choosing to live farther away. He’d never admitted it was because he couldn’t afford a house on this side of town, and his family had never pressured him to move closer. Being a single dad on a deputy’s salary wasn’t the easiest thing in the world.
Everyone who lived in Sweetwater was aware of the invisible line that bisected the town. Even when it had been a mining town, there was an obvious way to distinguish between rich and poor. Like most of the county, the population was made up of working-class people. The rich folks of today had inherited their wealth from those who’d owned the mines or managed or ran them. On the other side of that line were those who had been left behind for generations.
It made Tyler’s job interesting. Technically he came from one of those wealthy Southern families, but unlike his siblings, he’d settled into a modest working-class life in public service. His family was immensely proud of him; that wasn’t a concern. But the Reed name carried weight around here, and some days Tyler struggled with it.
He knocked on the door, then stepped back. When no one responded, he knocked again.
Josh finally opened the door, practically snarling at Tyler.
“Here, hold this one,” he said and passed Tyler his baby. Who was screaming.
Before Tyler could say anything, Josh disappeared back into the house.
“Okay,” Tyler said. “Let’s do something with you, hmm?”
Lucie responded with another ear-piercing wail.
Tyler shut the front door behind himself and headed upstairs to the nursery. He found it empty, so Lucie’s brother was clearly in another part of the house with one of his fathers.
Tyler would never admit that some days he ached for the days when Juniper was a baby. He’d missed out on a few months of her life, in between when Victoria left and when Tyler took over, after Victoria started treatment for the cancer. After that, he made sure to cherish every moment.
But he still knew how to change a diaper, so he started off by settling Lucie on the changing table and stripping her out of the onesie he guessed she’d slept in.
Yep, that was a diaper that needed changing.
He dealt with it quickly, singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” to try to calm Lucie down, persevering even when it didn’t work. When that was done, he used a damp washcloth to clean her face, which was red from all the screaming and streaked with tears and snot, and got her dressed in a blue-and-white-striped dress.
“There you go, you’re starting to look pretty,” he cooed at her.
Lucie didn’t have much hair yet, but he brushed what she had with a soft baby brush, and found a pacifier in one of the changing table drawers. When he headed back downstairs with her cradled against his chest, she had finally stopped crying.
Tyler found Josh and his husband, Toby, in the kitchen. They were both still wearing pajamas.
“Tyler,” Toby said, sounding surprised.
“Hi. We got dressed.” He turned to press plenty of kisses to Lucie’s soft head.
“Thank you,” Josh said. He reached out to take Lucie back, but Tyler turned away.
“I never get baby cuddles,” he said. “Indulge me.”
“You can take the other one if you like,” Toby said, nodding at the baby bouncer that contained Lucie’s brother, Eli.
“Nice try,” Tyler said.
“Not that I mind, but why is my son wearing a dress?” Josh asked. He picked up his coffee mug and gulped it greedily.
“This is Lucie,” Tyler said with a laugh.
“That’s Lucie,” Josh countered, pointing at the baby in the bouncer.
“I just changed her diaper, Josh. I promise you this one is a girl.”
Josh and Toby shared a look. Then Josh sank into one of the chairs around the kitchen table and pressed his fingertips to his eyelids.
“They’ve been awake since three,” he said, rubbing his eyes. “Every time we thought we got one to sleep, they’d wake the other one up.”
“Go,” Tyler said, waving at both of them. “Shower. Together, if you have to. I’ve got this.”
“Tyler….”
“You did it for me,” he said. “When June was driving me crazy. Let me do it for you.”
Toby and Josh exchanged a look, then practically bolted from the kitchen.
Tyler chuckled and bounced Lucie in his arms. Eli was still in his pajama onesie too, so he grabbed the handle of the bouncer and carefully took both babies back up to the nursery. The door to the master bedroom was firmly closed, and Tyler decided he didn’t want or need to know what was going on in there.
With some juggling, he swapped the babies around and got Lucie settled in the bouncer while he got Eli changed and dressed. Then, since his brother still wasn’t out of the bathroom, he took the twins back downstairs and settled in the living room while he helped himself to the half-full pot of coffee.
It was almost an hour later before Josh and Toby reappeared.
“I almost thought you’d fallen asleep,” Tyler said mildly. He’d set up both the kids where he could see them and was watching MSNBC with the sound turned down low.
“Thought about it,” Josh said. “Seriously thought about it.”
“Do you guys need a night off? I’m sure I can work something out with Dana.”
“You’re the best,” Josh said, collapsing onto the sofa next to Tyler. He peered into Tyler’s coffee mug and, finding it empty, pouted. “But I think we’ll be okay. You just caught us at a bad time.”
“I like their matching outfits,” Toby said. “Nice work, Uncle Tyler.”
“Still got it,” Tyler joked.
“Do you want breakfast? We have Cheerios, Frosted Flakes, Special K….”
“All the best breakfast foods.”
“There might be some Froot Loops in the cupboard,” Josh said. “But I ain’t cooking anything more fancy than that.”
“Sold.”
“I’ll get it,” Toby said, waving Josh back down.
When Toby rounded the corner to the kitchen, Josh looked over at Tyler.
“Not that I mind you dropping in unannounced at eight on a Sunday morning,” he said.
“Sorry about that.”
“Don’t be. You’re welcome here anytime, you know that.”
“Thanks.”
“Is everything okay, Tyler?”
Tyler nodded. “I think so.”
“Okay.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” Josh leaned over to set the bouncers off again. The twins looked like they might be falling asleep.
“How did you know you were gay?”
Josh leaned back against the sofa and looked at Tyler curiously.
“How did I know?”
“Yeah.”
Josh blinked. “Well, if I’m going to be honest with you, my dick got hard when I thought about guys, and definitely did not when I thought about girls. That was my first clue.”
Tyler laughed. Josh had mellowed a lot in the past few years. Toby had undoubtedly been the catalyst for that, and had continued to be a calming influence on Tyler’s fiery brother. He’d clearly not lost his edge, though.
Toby came in with a tray filled with bowls, a carton of milk, and three different types of breakfast cereal. And three more mugs of coffee.
“God, I love you,” Josh said as he reached for the coffee.
“Seven years of marriage, Tyler, and this is what we’ve been reduced to. Jerking each other off in the shower and displaying affection with caffeine.”
“I didn’t need to know that.”
“You’re welcome,” Josh said. “Tobes, when did you know you were gay?”
“Seventh grade,” Toby said, pouring cereal into a bowl. “Marco Alvarez, in the showers after gym class. I had a ‘hallelujah, come to Jesus’ moment.”
“So you knew because of a person,”
Tyler said. He helped himself to Froot Loops and milk.
“Tyler, we grew up together,” Josh said easily. “What is it Mom always says? I never hid my light under a bushel.”
Tyler nodded. “I think I’m gay,” he said carefully.
He wasn’t sure how they would react. He definitely didn’t expect Toby to take the bowl from his hands and set it aside, and for them both to envelop him in a hug, squishing him from both sides.
“We love you so much,” Josh said.
“No matter what,” Toby added.
Tyler laughed, surprised and touched and suddenly a little emotional.
“Thanks, guys.”
They didn’t let go for another long moment. Then Toby handed Tyler back his cereal bowl.
“Is this a recent thing?” Josh asked. He’d shifted back on the sofa and tucked his feet up underneath himself.
“Yeah. I kind of met someone. We had sex last night.”
He glanced over at the twins, who had both fallen asleep in their rockers.
“Congrats,” Toby said.
“Do we get details?”
“You don’t want details, Josh.” Tyler dug into his cereal, suddenly starving.
“Oh, we do. We’re a couple of washed-up old queers who live vicariously through other people’s sex lives,” Josh said matter-of-factly. “I’d tell you to not have kids, but that ship has already sailed.”
“I love my kid,” Tyler said through a mouthful of cereal. “It keeps getting better.”
“I love them,” Josh offered. “They also drive me crazy.”
“That doesn’t change.”
“We were talking about Tyler’s big coming out,” Toby reminded him.
“I’m still confused,” Tyler admitted. “I’m thirty-two. How did I not know this about myself?”
“There’s a whole rainbow out there, sweetheart,” Josh said. “You don’t have to label yourself or try to fit in any particular box.”
“There’s plenty of boxes if you do want one, though,” Toby added. “Could you be bisexual?”
“I don’t know. Maybe? How do you guys even figure that out?”
Josh looked at Toby and shrugged. “Toby’s better at this stuff than I am,” he said.