Illusive

by Diana Nixon

  "Which means I'll have a perfect excuse to see this lovely kitten more often," I said aloud; my eyes still focused on Rachel.

  She put her hand on the doorknob and looked at me. "Would you please step aside?"

  I didn't realize I had been blocking the way.

  I gave her my best smile and opened the door for her.

  "Thanks," she said, smiling. But to my disappointment, that smile was not for me, but for Mason, standing next to me.

  We waited for Rachel to walk into the building. Then I turned to look at him and guess what? He was wearing that dreamy expression saying his spoilt imagination just went wild and he had pictured the poor girl in all of his dirty fantasies.

  "Have you seen that?" He asked with his blue eyes shining with excitement.

  "I have," I barked in response, feeling a little annoyed by the fact that Rachel blessed my friend with so much attention. I saw her first, you know?

  "Uh, don't get mad, man." Mason patted my back. "You know girls can't resist me."

  "Fact."

  Needless to say, my mood for the rest of the day left much to be desired. I never felt jealous because of Mason's girlfriends. But Rachel wasn't his, or anyone's for that matter, and a part of me wanted to fix it, in my favor of course.

  That's why later that day, I thought I would pay Mia (and Rachel) a visit. Just to make sure my old friend (and, well, Rachel) got settled into the new place.

  Their room was two floors down, so I quickly ran down the stairs and stopped at the needed door, suddenly feeling a little nervous. I had never felt that way before the meeting with the girl I laid my eyes on.

  Just then, I heard the familiar voice coming from behind the closed door. I leaned closer and listed.

  "You've got to be kidding me!" Mason said. "Six cats? Are you insane?"

  Without knocking, I pushed the door open and let myself in.

  "Hey…"

  Three pairs of eyes stared at me.

  "I just wanted to ask Mia if she's fine."

  "I am fine," my friend said. "Come on in, meet my roommate. Her name's Rachel. Rachel, meet Blake."

  "Nice to meet you," the kitten said. The small smile that followed her words was nothing like the one she gave Mason earlier today. There was no interest in her eyes and voice. Just a standard reaction to a newly introduced person.

  I felt down, again. And again, I wished Mason never met her at all. Maybe then, I would have more chances with her. But from what I could see now, the two of them didn't need anyone but themselves to enjoy the night.

  So I backed off and let them have it.

  "Let me know if you need anything," I said to Mia and left the room.

  Months passed, but my desire to have Rachel all for myself didn't lessen, not a bit. On the contrary – the more time I spent with her, which was not much, the deeper I was falling for her. There wasn't a day I didn't think about her, but she was in love with Mason and he seemed to be into her too. I didn't have any right to break into their relationship. Plus, it looked like my roommate was taking their romance very seriously, and I never once saw him flirting with any other girl, not to mention catch him making out with anyone but Rachel. They looked happy and I had no other choice but to 'enjoy' the time the three of us were spending together. As helpless as I was when it came to Rachel, I wouldn't miss a single opportunity to see her again. Even if that meant watching her and Mason kiss and share sweet comments about something only the two of them knew about.

  I was like a third wheel on a bike that would keep riding even without me. But the problem was – I couldn't breathe without Rachel… I needed her, I wanted her, and I loved her. With all my stupid heart.

  ***

  Present Day

  It was Ariel's birthday morning – the first one that she was going to spend without her mom.

  I woke up at half-past five, giving up on the idea of getting more of so-much-needed sleep. Nights and mornings like this had become a norm. I felt like my body and mind had switched to a nocturnal schedule, and now everything about my life was upside down.

  It was not surprising at all, considering I still couldn't get used to the idea of never seeing Rachel again and Eden's presence in the house wasn't helping it.

  She looked so much like Rachel, only she wasn't her. Everything about the way she treated me and I treated her was different.

  The morning I saw her in the dining room, for the very first time, I felt like I was seeing things; like the ghost of Rachel was standing in front of me, making everything I had ever felt for her boil inside me, all over again.

  I couldn't believe she was real. More like I was looking into the mirror that showed me a distorted image from my past, but with a new perception.

  I left the dining room as fast as I could, unable to stand her presence. I could hardly control what was happening in my head at that moment.

  I wanted to scream in agony. I felt so helpless against my feelings for Rachel that suddenly woke up and hit me again, so hard I wanted to die too.

  I never managed to win her heart. She never belonged to me. She never loved me.

  But I… I lived for her. Everything I did, I did with thoughts of her.

  I wanted her to see a different side of me – a loving and caring side that never stopped craving her.

  She turned into a forbidden fruit I could never touch. All I was allowed to do was to enjoy the short times that she would spend with me. We were friends, never more than that. But I never stopped hoping it would change one day.

  Until the day I lost her forever…

  And then Eden stepped into my life and overshadowed everything with her presence. I didn’t want to think about her that much, or see her every day. But she was the first thought I woke up and fell asleep with. She was everywhere. And even when she wasn't around, I knew she was there – in my house and in my life, bringing it to a whole new level, where neither she nor I knew what to expect happening.

  "Mr. Bowen!" Mary called out my name.

  I stopped running and turned to look at her. She waved for me to come back home. I looked at my watch and realized that my morning run lasted a little longer than usual. Apparently my tormented thoughts about Rachel and Eden wouldn't let me go easily.

  You wanna know what happened to Mason and why I never mentioned how happy he was to marry 'the love of his life'? Well, that's probably because the big day never happened for them. And it was all Mason's fault.

  Shortly after graduation, he returned to Texas where he grew up and where his family still lived. His father wasn't feeling well and Mason needed to stay and help his mother run their family business. As for Rachel, she didn't have a choice but to keep studying in New York and then pay her boyfriend short visits, once every few months. About a year or so later, Mia told me they broke up, because Mason thought it would be for the best. He said he couldn't promise Rachel anything but rare dates, because things with his father's business were not going well and it took most of his time not to let it bankrupt.

  Rachel was broken. She still loved him and refused to give up on their relationship. She told him she would be waiting for the moment they would be together again. And she never broke her word.

  Only Mason never appreciated it. Soon, Rachel found out he started dating his high school crush. And I thought – Now Rachel will be mine! Yeah, right…

  Her feelings for the idiot were still too strong and I didn't stand a chance against them.

  Years passed, but the woman I gave my heart to didn't want it. That's why when one night Mason came knocking at her door she didn't think twice before she let him into her apartment and into her life again.

  And again, he left her. Only this time, with a baby growing in her belly...

  "Mr. Bowen, the delivery service brought this for you." Mary pointed to a huge pink box standing next to her. There was a card attached to the polka-dotted ribbon. It said "Happy Birthday, Ariel!"

  "Great! We need to take it upstairs and leave it at the door t
o Ari's room. I want it to be a surprise for her."

  Mary smiled. "Whatever it is, she's gonna love it."

  "Hope so. It's a very special present." Inside the box, there was a dollhouse. But not just any dollhouse, but a small replica of the one where she and Rachel lived before the girl moved into my place. I knew how much she missed her old bedroom and everything that was left there. She was Rachel's only heir and the house was gonna be hers one day. Until then, I wanted her to have something that would remind her of the best days she spent there together with her mom.

  When passing by Eden's room, I remembered our talk from a few weeks back. She asked me about Rachel and I wondered if my response somehow offended her, because starting that night, I didn't see her much, which, in my opinion, was intentional. Because unlike her, I didn't try to avoid her anymore. On the contrary, after what she told me about herself, I was eager to know more about her and her life before and after the surgery. There was something about her, except her more than obvious resemblance with Rachel that captured me.

  For a moment, I thought I would knock at her door to check if she was awake yet. But I quickly changed my mind, knowing that I, most likely, was the last person she wanted to see first thing in the morning.

  An unexpected smile touched my lips. I walked down the hall and to my room, wondering if the thought that crossed my mind and made me smile was real, or I was out of my mind.

  I couldn't think what I thought, right? Because imagining Eden step out of the shower was definitely not the kind of thought I would allow to cross my mind, today or ever.

  I shook my head and stepped into my room, hoping the upcoming day was gonna be good. Even if not to me, but to Ariel. I didn't want her to be sad or feel lonely. Not today of all days. She deserved to have fun and remember this birthday as one of the best ever.

  ***

  Eden

  God, I'm a mess.

  It was the first thing I thought when I looked at my reflection in the mirror this morning. The night was a sleepless disaster. I don't know why, but I couldn't fall asleep. I just stared at the ceiling, going through the plan I made for Ariel's birthday. I wanted her to enjoy the day. I knew she was scared to face it.

  Last night, after I read a book for her, she asked me to stay with her, because she didn't want to be alone on her birthday.

  "But it's tomorrow, and there will be many people to share it with you," I told her.

  "It's not what I mean," she said. "The night before my birthday, mom always stayed with me so that the time I was born – 3.00 AM – she was there to kiss me."

  Tears pooled in my eyes. "All right. I'll stay and kiss you for her."

  She smiled with the saddest smile ever. "Thank you."

  After that, she pulled a blanket up to her chin, wished me sweet dreams and fell asleep, with my arm wrapped around her.

  Needless to say, I stayed awake up to 3:00AM afraid to miss the moment she was born. Somehow, I felt like it was my duty now to kiss her when it happened.

  And then I cried…

  I don't know why, but I couldn't help it.

  Never in my life did I want my real mom to be with me more than that night.

  Or maybe it was because Ariel's mom was gonna miss her birthday and I didn't know what to do to make that day at least a little happier. I was so scared to fail, as if everything that was about to happen was my responsibility and I couldn't let the little girl and her dreams down.

  Carefully I pulled her closer to my chest and made a wish for her… Maybe one day, I would tell her about it.

  The morning started with Ariel's palm caressing my cheek. And the words following her gesture, "Eden, did you hear that?"

  "What?" I rubbed my eyes and looked at Ariel.

  "The noise behind my door. Someone is there."

  "It must be Reggie or Mary. They always wake up before we do."

  "Let's go and check it out!" She jumped from the bed and rushed to the door, as excited as ever. "Wow!"

  "What is it, Ari?"

  "It's a present! And it's huge!"

  I tossed the blanket away and went to look at the present.

  It was huge, indeed.

  "Will you help me open it?"

  "Sure."

  Together we pulled the box into the room and I helped Ari unwrap it.

  But when the pink paper was gone and Ari looked at her present, her face failed.

  "What is it?" I asked, puzzled. "Isn't it what you wanted?"

  "I did want a dollhouse, but…" She sat down on the floor and touched the red roof with her small fingers. "It's the same as the one where mom and I lived."

  Just then, I realized how special the present was.

  "Oh… It's beautiful." I sat down next to Ariel and together we started exploring the dollhouse.

  "It was my playground," she said, pointing to the attic. "I kept most of my toys there and imagined it was my little kingdom." She smiled at the memory.

  "I didn't know you had cats." I said. There were two cat bowls standing in the kitchen.

  "Mom loved cats. But after she died, they ran away."

  "No way!"

  "Mia said they jumped out of the window because someone left it open."

  "Poor creatures."

  "I think they left because mom wasn’t there anymore to look after them. Pets always leave when their owners die."

  "Who told you that?"

  "I heard Reggie say it to Blake. They didn't see me, but I heard them talk about my staying here and Reggie mentioned the cats. If they stayed, we would bring them here too."

  I could see how sad she was and I wanted to do something to cheer her up. After all, I promised myself I wouldn't let her birthday become a fail.

  "You know what? I think I saw another surprise waiting for you."

  "Really? Where is it?"

  "It's outside. Let me help you change into that beautiful dress that we bought yesterday and then we will go downstairs and see the rest of your presents."

  "YAY! I love my birthday!" She kissed me on both cheeks and went to the wardrobe to take the dress.

  My head was spinning slightly, but I hoped my sleepless night wouldn't ruin my day. There were so many things I needed to do to make it great.

  CHAPTER 6

  Blake

  I was having a time of a major déjà vu.

  The moment I went out to the terrace, my eyes found Eden's and I swear I felt something… The something I thought I was no longer capable of feeling.

  The excitement.

  She was wearing a light blue dress and even though I knew she was not Rachel, I was seeing a ghost from my past now. My mind traveled back and to the day I met the love of my life for the very first time. It felt like it happened just yesterday. But not even with time, did my memories of that day faded. She got so deep under my skin; I felt like every fiber of me was made of my feelings for her. I didn't remember myself without her. It was like she had been with me my whole life, no matter how little time I was lucky to spend with her.

  That's why the fact that I felt an unexpected surge of excitement scared me.

  My first thought was to run away. I wasn't ready to feel the way I felt now. A part of me was telling me to stop being an idiot and finally say 'good-morning' to Eden, who was obviously waiting for me to say it. When the other part – the one that was carefully protecting my memories of Rachel from any intrusion, was making me feel guilty, like I was betraying something very sacred, replacing it with my uncontrollable instincts.

  Then Eden came to my rescue and made the first move.

  "Morning, Mr. Bowen," she said a little shy.

  She was beautiful, no doubt. Today even more beautiful than yesterday, touched by the rays of the November sun that were not so bright anymore, but still magical enough to make her attractiveness call for me.

  Something inside me melted.

  "Morning," I said in response, unintentionally trying to catch up on the feelings I was full of now. It was such a relie
f to know that I was still capable of feeling things like this, like I was finally awake after a long, deep sleep full of nightmares.

  Either it was thanks to the dress that Eden was wearing today, or solely to the fact that I found her really attractive, but I decided to give myself a break and simply enjoy the moment, live it and maybe just M.A.Y.B.E make this day not as miserable as I thought it would be.

  "Look what Eden bought me!" Ariel pushed a shining purple bike closer to where I was standing and smiled from ear to ear. "How did she know I wanted a bike?"

  I smiled too. "Have no idea. But it looks like she won your heart." I bent down and kissed the birthday girl on the cheek.

  She giggled and wrapped her arms around me. "Thanks for the dollhouse. I loved it."

  "I'm glad to hear that."

  "But there's one thing that is missing there."

  "Really? What is it?" I was sure I knew Rachel's place almost like it was my own. I used to spend a lot of time there after she gave birth to Ariel. No matter how many times she told me I was a terrible housekeeper and could hardly find anything without anyone's help, but I tried my best to be the man she needed back then. Even though she never saw me as the man she wanted to be with.

  "You forgot about the record player."

  "The record player?" Eden asked.

  "Mom was a huge fan of canned music."

  Eden's face changed.

  "What is it?" I asked. "Do you like them too?"

  "I don't know. I never had a record player. But…"

  "Maybe your mom did!" Ari said. "But you can't remember it."

  "Maybe…"

  The girl turned to me. "Did you know that Eden had been adopted?"

  "I didn't." I gave Eden a careful look.

  "It's a long story," she said, quickly changing the subject. "How about we go inside and check if everything's ready for the party? The guests will be here very soon."

  Ariel nodded. "All right." She gave her newly received bike one more happy look, then she turned to me and said, "Hope you don't have to work today? I want my whole family to be with me today."

  Eden and I shared a glance, probably thinking the same thing.