Illusive

by Diana Nixon

  "I see…"

  Blake stood up and came to where I was standing. He put his palms on my shoulders and said, "I'm really sorry you never met your biological parents. It looks like you really want to know who they are. But what if they don't want to know anything about you? Have you ever given this option a thought?"

  I shook my head. "No. Somehow, I've always been sure they simply didn't know how to find me." His closeness did terrible things to my ability to think straight. The smell of his cologne hit my nostrils and I felt like I would faint any second. It was sweet, but not too much, with the barely heard notes of lime.

  His eyes were unreadable. He watched me intently, then put his hands down and stepped back, still staying close to me.

  "I'm sorry about what happened to you when you were a kid, I really am. But I think you should focus on what you have now – a family who loves you and cares about you. Many people would kill to be you now."

  "I know. And I'm grateful0 for everything and everyone I have in my life. But at times, I wonder if my life would be different if I still lived with my real family."

  "Is that why you think Ariel should meet her father?"

  "I don't know anything about him, I can't be sure she would be happier if they met."

  "I know a lot about him. And I'm sure she's better without him."

  It sounded so final. Obviously, Blake had a reason to hate Ariel's dad. But what if it was just jealousy?

  I didn’t have a chance to ask any more questions, because Ari entered the kitchen and I needed to make breakfast for her.

  "Let me know when you are ready to go," Blake said. "I'll be in my room."

  "Okay," Ari said. "Shall I take my pajamas with me?"

  "Yeah. Eden said she doesn't mind staying for the night at Lily's."

  Ari smiled happily. "Cool! You will love the place," she said to me. "It's so beautiful there. Too bad it's too cold to swim in the river. Mom and I loved swimming there."

  "Tell me more about her." Now, that Blake wasn’t with us, I didn't need to worry about facing his disapproving expression.

  "She was amazing; kind and funny. She always told me different stories that made me laugh. We talked a lot, about everything: my day, her day at work, my friends. She always knew when something was wrong with me. I didn't need to say a word, she simply knew it. Sundays were our favorite days of the week. We went to the movies, or cafes to eat ice-cream. And mom always took dozens of pictures of us together. As if she knew she wouldn't be with me forever."

  "All moms like taking pictures of their kids." I sat down in a chair next to hers and added, "It's because you grow up too fast and they want you to be kids as long as possible. Because the life of grown-ups is not easy at all. When we are kids, we want to grow up faster, dreaming about the day we would be allowed to wear mom's heels or drive dad's car. But, trust me, when that day comes, all we want is to be kids again, live our carefree life, play all day and enjoy everything around us."

  "I don't want to grow up. Not now, anyway. Because when I grow up, I'll have to go to work, every day, as Blake does, like mom did. You are lucky to work here."

  "Oh, really?"

  "Yeah. You don't have to go anywhere. You live and work here. I wish I have a job like this when I grow up."

  I chuckled. "I'll remember that. Now finish your breakfast, and go pack your things. Your uncle hates waiting."

  "How do you know that?"

  "I don't. But something's telling me it's not too far from the truth."

  ***

  Blake

  I never thought driving a car could be that hard. Ariel was sleeping in the back seat, but Eden was sitting on my right and all I could think about was how fast my fear to look her in the eye and see the reflections of my past in them turned into something completely different. The longer she lived with us, the more I got addicted to seeing her walk around the house, have breakfasts and dinners with us, or simply talk to me, like this morning when she made coffee for me like it was the most natural thing in the world.

  Not to mention her attractiveness that was driving me fucking crazy.

  I tried to deny it, I really did, but I was a man to the bone, made of flesh and blood and Eden surely knew how to make it boil. She didn't need to do anything special, simply being herself was more than enough to turn me into a prisoner of her charming nature.

  The moment I walked into the kitchen this morning and saw her standing at the stove, wearing the cutest pajamas I had ever seen on a woman, I couldn't help but smile. Funny thing, women never made coffee for me, except for Rachel. But she did it simply because she was sure I would break one of her precious porcelain cups. And Reggie, who, I bet, was sure I didn't even know how to turn on the kettle.

  Not all the women I knew had such a low opinion of me. But most of them started hating me, sooner or later.

  "A penny for your thought," Eden said quietly. "You haven't said a word since we left the house."

  "It's because I never went to Lily's with anyone but Ariel and Rachel."

  "Who owns the place now?"

  "Ariel is Rachel's only heir, so technically - it's hers. But until she turns eighteen, I'm assigned to take care of her property."

  "What about Rachel's parents?"

  "They died when she was nine. In a fire, as far as I know. A terrible tragedy…"

  "So she grew up with Lily?"

  "Yes. Her grandma was her only relative. After she died, Rachel was in a deep depression. Do you have grandparents?"

  "Only my dad's father. He's almost eighty. Ian says he's scared to die and meet his wife in the afterlife because she will never forgive him for his second marriage."

  "Who's Ian?"

  "My stepbrother. I think he and Mia are having an affair."

  "Now, that's interesting…" My old friend had always been too picky when it came to boyfriends. "How did they meet?"

  "She was responsible for the legal side of my surgery."

  "Oh…" I almost forgot about the surgery. If I didn't know about it, I would never say Eden had any health problems.

  "I think he's really into her. I had never seen my brother so... I don't even know how to name it."

  "In love?"

  "Yes. Though I don't think he's ready to admit it. He doesn't believe in love. He says it's for teenagers only."

  "I thought so too. Until…"

  "You fell in love with Rachel."

  I didn't expect Eden to finish the sentence for me.

  "Sorry," she said, obviously thinking she shouldn't have said that.

  We stayed quiet all the rest of the way to Lily's.

  Eden looked lost in her thoughts, and I was lost in mine.

  Surprisingly enough, talking about Rachel was getting easier with time. Even with Eden, who was the last person in the world I first thought I would let stay under the same roof with me.

  About twenty minutes later, I parked at the gates that opened to a vast territory with the house that was renovated a few months before Rachel died. She always said she would move in here and leave the chaos of the big city that she hated so much. Too bad, she didn't make it that far.

  Ariel opened her eyes and looked out of the window, yawning. "Looks like I missed all the fun of the drive here."

  "It's because Tom wouldn't let you get enough sleep in the morning," I said. In response to my words, the kitten meowed and stretched his legs. He'd been sleeping on Ariel's lap.

  "He's too small to feel guilt," she said in his defense. "Not even you in your early thirties remember how to apologize."

  Eden chuckled at her words.

  "Not true, young lady. I always apologize if I do something wrong. Right, Eden?"

  "For sure."

  She and Ariel shared a glance.

  "You two better be good to me," I said, offended. "Or I'll leave you here and go home alone."

  "You won't," Ari said. "You love me too much to leave me here. Plus, Eden makes you smile. Which is almost a miracle, considering we
aring a poker face is your major."

  Eden chuckled and I had no choice but agree with Ariel. She was right about both things. I loved her, and Eden… Well, I still needed time to figure out how I felt about her. For now, I was glad to have her with us. Which was a huge step ahead, compared to one month ago, when I was dying to show her the door and never see her again, not to mention letting her stay in my house.

  I took the key from the gate and opened it. "Ladies first."

  Ariel ran to the house, when Eden stopped and looked around carefully.

  "What is it?" I asked, locking the gate.

  "Weird…" She said. "I have this feeling… Like I've seen this house before. But it's impossible. I've never been in this area. At least not that I can remember."

  "It happens when the surroundings remind you of the places you've been to."

  "The sunroom…"

  "What?"

  She pointed to the windows on the right part of the house.

  "It's the sunroom, isn't it?"

  "How did you know that?"

  "Have no idea." She looked at me with her eyes full of surprise. "Maybe I've been to a house similar to this one. But the moment I saw those windows, I knew they were for a sunroom."

  "When Lily was alive, it was full of flowers. She adored flowers."

  "Too bad the house is empty now."

  "Yeah… Reggie told me about your flower shop. Do you miss working there?" I took her bag and together we went for the porch. Ariel was dancing there, as happy to be back at Lily's as ever.

  "Sometimes. But Reggie let me take care of your terrace, and I help her in the garden as well."

  "To be honest, I was surprised she hired you without my approval."

  "What do you mean?"

  "The decision was made even before they introduced us. I didn't have a voice in this case."

  "But you tried to argue with her, didn't you?"

  I smiled. "Just a little."

  "I was scared you would fire me."

  "So it was the plan. But like I said, no one cared about my opinion." I took the key from out of my jeans pocket and put it into the door lock.

  "Hi, Lily!" Ariel screamed, running into the house.

  Eden gave me a puzzled look. "I thought you said she died."

  "She did. But Ari always says 'Hi, Lily' when she comes here."

  Eden crossed the threshold and stopped; her face reflected nothing but pure fear.

  CHAPTER 8

  Eden

  My palms were sweating, heart beating fast in my chest.

  "What is it?" Blake asked. He stood in front of me, looking carefully at my face.

  "I don't know," I replied, barely able to speak. "This smell…" I took a deep breath and my head span. "I know this smell."

  "It's the lavender oil. Lily used it instead of hand cream."

  I looked at my hands and a vision of someone's hands holding mine appeared in my mind. My palm looked tiny compared to the one holding it.

  I swallowed and shut my eyes to get rid of the vision. It made me feel dizzy.

  "Do you want some water?" Blake asked.

  "Yes, please." I sat down on a small chair near the door and told myself to calm down.

  It wasn't the first time that I was having visions of places and people I didn't know. Or maybe I did, but I just couldn't remember them.

  "How much do you remember from the time you were five?" I asked Blake, taking a glass of water he brought for me.

  "Not much actually. Why?"

  "I've been having dreams and visions of different things I can't remember seeing for real. And I thought… Maybe those are not just tricks of my imagination, but the memories, lost many years ago."

  He hunkered down in front of me and rubbed my hand gently. "Do you want your memories to be back?"

  "Of course, I do. But considering I can't remember anything about the first five years of my life, I can hardly tell if what I see in my dreams and in my visions is real. It was so long ago…"

  "Or maybe you simply want them back so hard, your mind's playing cruel jokes with you. Why don't you try to slow down a little? And let your memory do the job for you?"

  "This is so weird… I've never faced anything like this before. But after the surgery, everything changed. As if my new heart gave my memory a good kick and made it travel back to the time I couldn't remember living."

  "I don't know anything about donors' hearts, but who knows? Maybe you are right."

  "Is everything okay?" Ariel joined us again. She took off her jacket and shoes and was now wearing a pair of bunny slippers and a dress I never saw in her wardrobe.

  "Just a slight headache," I hurried to respond. "It must be the ride. It was a bit too long for me."

  "This dress, I remember it," Blake said, looking at Ariel's outfit.

  So do I, I thought to myself, not sure where that thought came from.

  "It was mom's dress – the only piece of clothing that remained from her childhood. Lily kept it in a box with mom's old things."

  Blake spoke again, "Every time we come here, Ariel opens that box, puts on this dress and pretends to be little Rachel."

  "The dress is so cute." It was made of a red fabric that faded with time, with a lovely floral print that started at the bottom of the dress and ended at the waistline. The dress had short sleeves and a ribbon on the back.

  "Do you feel better now?" Ariel asked. "I wanna show you the house."

  "Yes. Let's go." I gave Blake the empty glass and followed Ariel into the hall that had several doors and a staircase leading to the second floor.

  "Everything here is new," Ari said, showing me one room after another. "Mom didn't want to renovate the house, afraid it wouldn't be as cozy as it used to be when Lily was alive. But the painting on the walls started to crumble and the staircase was about the shatter to pieces. So she decided to fix it after all and 'breathe a new life into it'. This is your room." We came to one of the rooms on the second floor. It wasn't big, but it had huge windows opening to the garden, and I liked it.

  "Where's yours?" I asked.

  "It's downstairs. Next to the living room that Blake takes when we stay here for the night."

  "What do you usually do when you come here?"

  "In Summer, we swim a lot. Then we have a barbeque time, we sing different songs and dance. At least so it was when mom was still alive…"

  "Well, I can't promise singing the best song ever, but I can take care of the barbecue, and I'm sure Blake will help us find the music."

  "Consider it done," he said, walking into my room. "I think I saw the old record player in the kitchen."

  "And there's a collection of mom's records over there." Ariel pushed a chair closer to the closet, stood on it and opened the top drawer, showing us the mentioned above collection.

  "Wow, it looks like your mom was a huge fan of Queen and the Beatles."

  "She was," Blake said a little sad. "She made all of her friends buy her new records for every occasion. She didn't want flowers or jewelry. But if you brought her the record that she wanted but couldn't find, you turned into her hero."

  "Mom said you bought most of these," Ari said, pointing to the collection.

  Blake's smile didn't have anything to do with joy or happiness. It was the saddest smile I had ever seen to touch his features.

  "Despite that, I never managed to become a real hero for her."

  "Not true," Ariel protested. "You were her friend, which is so much more important than being a hero."

  Blake didn't comment on that, and I thought it was time to lighten up the atmosphere in the room.

  "How about we take a walk down the riverbank?"

  "Great idea," he said. "It's beautiful there."

  ***

  Blake

  It was almost six in the evening when Eden and Ariel started making dinner. We were on a terrace, illuminated by the candles and the burning fireplace. It was windy out there, so I brought the comforters to put on the chairs at the
table and on a swing.

  I shall admit it, I was a little scared to be here again. Now that Rachel was gone, everything felt a bit surreal. But somehow, I didn't feel any discomfort. On the contrary – I felt like I always belonged here, with Ariel and Eden around. A part of me wondered if it was thanks to Eden, whose presence made staying at Lily's not so lonely.

  She was the light our life had been lacking since we said our goodbyes to Rachel. I didn't realize it was true, until the moment I let my fears of being around her go. If at first I thought I would never be able to get used to seeing her so often, now I felt like no time with her was enough.

  She was kind and funny at times; selfless when it came to dedicating her time to Ariel and very sensitive when talking about her family and her childhood.

  With every passing day, being around her was getting easier. And despite how little she and I knew about each other, I could feel the connection between us. Not sure if that was good or bad news, but for now, I enjoyed the forgotten things that she made me feel.

  "Tell me you are hungry," Ariel said, bringing a plate with the salad made by her.

  "Oh, I really am. I haven't eaten anything since breakfast. What do we have here?"

  "Pieces of roasted chicken, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese and a mustard dressing."

  "Sounds yummy."

  "Hope it is yummy." She looked carefully at Eden who was cutting bread, and added in a whisper. "She helped me make the salad, so don't tell her if you don't like it."

  I chuckled. "I swear, I'll eat it to the last crumb."

  I wasn't surprised at all when I looked at my plate a few minutes later, and it was empty. I remembered Reggie mentioned Eden's culinary talents, so I didn't expect anything but perfection.

  "Who taught you to cook?" I asked her when she joined us at the table. The barbeque wasn't ready yet, so we had enough time to enjoy the salad and the wine.

  "Mom did. She says a woman who can't cook will never find a good man to marry her."

  "Tell your mom to stop worrying about you. I'm sure your husband will appreciate your cooking skills." The words that were not supposed to affect me, suddenly turned into something I would never believe I would feel again.