by Ian Mcewan
Mary reappeared, and blew her nose between her fingers. Her eyes were red and small. ‘Isn’t it beautiful?’ she cried. Colin gasped and lunged for her shoulder again. ‘Careful,’ she said. ‘Lie on your back or you’ll drown us both.’ He tried to speak, but water filled his mouth the moment it opened. ‘It’s so wonderful out here after those narrow streets,’ Mary said.
Colin lay on his back, arms and legs spread like a starfish. His eyes were closed. ‘Yes,’ he said at last, with difficulty. ‘It’s fantastic.’
The beach was less crowded by the time they returned to it, but the volley-ball game had only just broken up. The tall girl was walking away by herself, head bowed. The other players watched as the ape bounded after, and, walking backwards in front of her, moved his arms in extravagant, imploring circles. Mary and Colin dragged their belongings under the shade of an abandoned umbrella and slept for half an hour. When they woke the beach was emptier still. The volley-ball players and their net had gone, and only those large family groups with their own picnics remained, dozing or murmuring round tables covered with debris. At Colin’s suggestion they dressed and walked towards the busy avenue in search of food and drink. For once they found, in less than a quarter of an hour, a restaurant that suited them. They sat on the terrace in the thick green shade of a gnarled wisteria whose branches wound and retraced through yards of lattice-work. Their table was secluded and spread with two layers of starched pink table-cloths. The cutlery was heavy and ornate, and highly polished. In the centre of their table was a red carnation in a miniature vase of pale blue ceramic. The two waiters who served them were friendly but pleasingly distant and the brevity of the menu suggested concentrated attention in the preparation of each dish. As it turned out, the food was unexceptional, but the wine was cool, and they drank a bottle and a half. They conversed rather than talked, politely, casually, like old acquaintances. They avoided references to themselves or to the holiday. Instead they mentioned mutual friends and wondered how they were, sketched out certain arrangements for the journey home, talked about sunburn and the relative merits of the breaststroke and crawl. Colin yawned frequently.
It was only when they were outside, walking queasily in the shade, behind them the two waiters watching from the terrace steps, ahead the straight avenue that led from the beach and open sea to the quayside and lagoon, that Colin looped his forefinger round Mary’s – it was too hot to hold hands – and mentioned the photograph. Had Robert been following them around with a camera? Was he following them now? Mary shrugged and glanced back. Colin looked back too. There were cameras everywhere, suspended like aquarium fish against a watery background of limbs and clothes, but Robert, of course, was not there. ‘Perhaps’, Mary said, ‘he thinks you have a nice face.’
Colin shrugged and, withdrawing his hand, touched his shoulders. ‘I’ve had too much sun,’ he explained.
They walked towards the quayside. The crowds were leaving the restaurants and bars now, and heading back towards the beach. To make progress Colin and Mary had to leave the pavement and walk in the road. There was only one boat at the quay when they arrived there, and it was about to leave. It was smaller than the usual boats that crossed the lagoon. Its black-painted wheel-house and funnel, which was the shape of a battered top hat, gave the boat the appearance of a dishevelled undertaker. Colin was already walking towards it, while Mary studied a schedule by the ticket office.
‘It goes round the other side of the island first,’ she said as she caught him up, ‘then it cuts through by the harbour round to our side.’
The moment they stepped on board, the boatman went inside the wheel-house and the engine note picked up. His crew – the usual young man with moustache – cast off and slammed shut the metal barrier. For once there were very few passengers, and Colin and Mary stood several feet apart, on either side of the wheel-house, staring along the line of the prow as it swung round through distant, celebrated spires and domes, past the great clock tower till it came to rest on the cemetery island, from here no more than a hazy smear edging up over the horizon.
Now the course was set, the engine settled into a pleasant, rhythmic fluctuation between two notes that were less than a semi-tone apart. For the entire journey – some thirty-five minutes – they did not talk or even glance towards each other. They sat down on adjacent benches and continued to stare ahead. Between them stood the crew who slouched in the half-open wheel-house door and exchanged occasional remarks with the pilot. Mary rested her chin on her elbow. From time to time Colin closed his eyes.
When the boat was slowing into its approach to the landing by the hospital, he crossed to Mary’s side to look at the passengers waiting to come on board, a small group, mostly old, who, despite the heat, stood as close together as possible without touching. Mary too was standing, staring towards the next stop, clearly visible over a quarter-mile of unrippled water. The elderly passengers were helped on, there was a quick exchange of shouts between the pilot and his crew, and the boat moved on, parallel to the pavement they had walked along one morning five days ago.
Colin stood close behind Mary and said in her ear, ‘Perhaps we should get off at the next stop and walk through. It will be quicker than going right round the harbour.’
Mary shrugged and said, ‘Perhaps.’ She did not turn to look at him. But when the boat was edging towards the landing of the next stop, and the crewman was already coiling the rope round the bollard, she turned quickly and kissed him lightly on the lips. The metal barrier was lifted and a couple of passengers stepped ashore. There was a momentary pause, when everyone around them seemed poised between actions, like children at a game of grandmother’s footsteps. The pilot had rested his forearm on the wheel and was looking across at his crew. He had picked up the trailing end of the rope, and was about to unwind it from the bollard. The new passengers had found their places, but the customary small-talk had yet to begin. Colin and Mary walked three paces, from the worn varnish of the deck, to the cracked, blackened boards of the landing stage, and immediately the pilot called out sharply to the crew, who nodded and lifted the rope clear. From inside the boat, the airless covered part, there came the sound of sudden laughter and several people speaking at once. Colin and Mary walked slowly and in silence along the quay. The view afforded by their occasional glances to the left was obscured by particular arrangements of trees, houses, walls, but a gap was bound to occur, and they found they had both stopped to stare past the corner of a tall electricity sub-station, between two branches of a mature plane tree, to a familiar balcony hung with flowers where a small figure in white first stared and then began to wave. Over the soft throb of that departing boat they heard Caroline calling to them. Still careful to avoid the other’s eye, they walked towards an alleyway on their left which would bring them to the house. They did not hold hands.
9
A GLIMPSE UP the stairwell, a silhouetted head, established that Robert was waiting for them on the top landing. They ascended in silence, Colin one or two steps ahead of Mary. Above them they heard Robert clear his throat and speak. Caroline was waiting there too. As they turned into the final flight of stairs, Colin slowed and his hand sought Mary’s behind his back, but Robert had descended to meet them and, with a resigned smile of welcome, markedly different from his usually boisterous style, was sliding his arm round Colin’s shoulder, as though to help him up the remaining steps, and in so doing was turning his back conspicuously on Mary. Ahead, supporting herself awkwardly in the doorway of the apartment, wearing a white dress with square, efficient pockets, stood Caroline, her smile a horizontal line of quiet satisfaction. Their greetings were intimate yet restrained, decorous; Colin was steered towards Caroline who offered him her cheek and at the same time held his hand lightly for an instant. All the while, Robert, dressed in a dark suit with waistcoat, white shirt, but no tie, black boots with high tapering heels, kept his hand on Colin’s shoulder, releasing him only to turn at last to Mary towards whom he made the faintest of ir
onic bows and whose hand he held till she withdrew it, stepped round him and exchanged kisses, barely a grazing of cheeks, with Caroline. Now they were bunched closely by the door, but there was no move to go inside.
‘The boat brought us round this side from the beach,’ Mary explained, ‘so we thought we’d say hello.’
‘We were expecting you sooner,’ Robert said. He rested his hand on Mary’s arm and spoke to her as though they were alone. ‘Colin made a promise to my wife which he seems to have forgotten. I left a message at your hotel this morning.’
Caroline too addressed herself solely to Mary. ‘We’re going away too, you see. We were anxious not to miss you.’
‘Why?’ Colin said suddenly.
Robert and Caroline smiled, and Mary, covering for this small indiscretion, asked politely, ‘Where are you going?’
Caroline looked at Robert who took a pace backward from the group and rested his hand on the wall. ‘Oh, a long journey. Caroline has not seen her parents for many years. But we’ll tell you about that.’ He took a handkerchief from his pocket and dabbed at his brow. ‘First there is a little business I must conclude at my bar.’ He spoke to Caroline. ‘Take Mary indoors and give her some refreshments. Colin will come with me.’ Caroline retreated a couple of steps into the apartment and gestured at Mary to follow her.
Mary in her turn reached for the beach bag from Colin and was about to speak to him when Robert placed himself between them. ‘Go inside,’ he said. ‘We will not be very long.’
Colin too was starting to speak to Mary, and craning his neck to catch a sight of her round Robert, but the door was closing and Robert was steering him gently towards the stairs.
It was customary here for men to walk in public hand in hand, or arm in arm; Robert held Colin’s hand tightly, the fingers interlocking and exerting a constant pressure such that to have withdrawn would have required a wilful movement, possibly insulting, certainly eccentric. They were taking yet another unfamiliar route, along streets relatively free of tourists and souvenir shops, a quarter from which women too seemed to have been excluded, for everywhere, in the frequent bars and street cafés, at strategic street-corners or canal bridges, in the one or two pinball arcades they passed, were men of all ages, mostly in shirtsleeves, chatting in small groups, though here and there individuals dozed with newspapers on their laps. Small boys stood on the peripheries, their arms folded importantly like their fathers and brothers.
Everyone seemed to know Robert, and he appeared to be choosing a route which would include the maximum of encounters, leading Colin across a canal for a quick conversation outside a bar, doubling back to a small square where a group of older men stood round a disused fountain whose bowl overflowed with crumpled cigarette packets. Colin was not able to follow the conversations, though the sound of his own name seemed to recur. As they were turning to leave one boisterous group outside a pinball arcade, someone pinched his buttock hard and he turned angrily. But Robert pulled him on and loud laughter followed them to the end of the street.
Despite the new manager, a broad-shouldered man with tattooed forearms who rose to greet them as they came in, Robert’s bar was unchanged; the same blue glow from the juke-box, now silent, the line of black-legged bar stools topped in red plastic, the invariably static quality of an artificially-lit basement room untouched by the cycle of day and night outside. It was barely four o’clock and there were no more than half a dozen customers, all standing at the bar. What was new, or more apparent, was the number of large black flies which cruised silently between the tables like predatory fish. Colin shook the manager’s hand, asked for a glass of mineral water and sat down at the table they had sat at before.
Having excused himself, Robert went behind the bar with the manager to examine some papers that were spread out on the counter. The two men appeared to be signing an agreement. An iced bottle of mineral water, a glass and bowl of pistachio nuts were set down in front of Colin by a bar-hand. Seeing Robert straighten from the papers and look in his direction, Colin raised his glass in acknowledgment, but Robert, though he continued to stare, did not alter his expression, and, nodding slowly at some thought of his own, lowered his gaze once more to the documents before him. One by one the few drinkers at the bar also turned to glance at Colin, and then back to their drinks and quiet conversation. Colin sipped his drink, prised open the nuts and ate them, put his hands in his pockets, tilted his chair back on two legs. When another of the customers looked at Colin over his shoulder and then turned to his neighbour who in turn shifted position to catch his eye, Colin stood up and walked purposefully towards the juke-box.
He stood with folded arms and gazed at the banks of unfamiliar names and incomprehensible titles, as though stuck for a choice. The drinkers at the bar now watched him with undisguised curiosity. He dropped a coin into the machine. The configuration of illuminated signs altered drastically, and a rectangle of red light began to pulse, urging him to choose. From behind him by the bar someone spoke loudly a short phrase which could easily have been the title of a song. Colin searched the columns of typewritten tabs, passing and immediately returning to the name of a record which alone among the names had meaning – ‘Ha ha ha’ – and even as he punched out the numbers and the great device vibrated beneath his fingers, he knew it was the virile, sentimental song they had heard last time. As Colin made his way back to his seat, Robert’s manager lifted his head and smiled. The customers called for the volume to be increased and when the first deafening chorus burst across the room, a fresh round of drinks was ordered by a man who slapped the counter in time to the strict, almost martial, rhythm.
Robert came to sit by Colin and studied his documents while the record reached its climax. When the machine clicked off, he smiled broadly and pointed at the empty mineral-water bottle. Colin shook his head. Robert offered a cigarette and, frowning at Colin’s emphatic refusal, lit one for himself and said: ‘Did you understand what I was telling people as we walked here?’ Colin shook his head. ‘Not one single word?’
‘No.’
Robert smiled again in simple delight. ‘Everyone we met, I told them that you are my lover, that Caroline is very jealous, and that we are coming here to drink and forget about her.’
Colin was tucking his T-shirt into his jeans. He ran his fingers through his hair and looked up, blinking. ‘Why?’
Robert laughed and mimicked accurately Colin’s studious hesitancy. ‘Why? Why?’ Then he leaned forwards and touched Colin’s forearm. ‘We knew you would come back. We were waiting, preparing. We thought you’d come sooner.’
‘Preparing?’ Colin said, withdrawing his arm. Robert folded the papers into his pocket and gazed at him with proprietorial tenderness.
Colin was about to speak, hesitated, and then said quickly, ‘Why did you take that picture of me?’
Robert was all smiles once more. He leaned back, one arm slung over the back of his chair, beaming self-satisfaction. ‘I thought I did not give her enough time. Mary is very quick.’
‘What’s the point,’ Colin insisted, but a newcomer to the bar had crossed to the juke-box and ‘Ha ha ha’ was starting again at even greater volume. Colin folded his arms and Robert stood to greet a group of friends who were passing their table.
On the walk home, this time by the less crowded, descending street that took them, for part of their way, along the seafront, Colin pressed Robert about the photograph again, and what he had meant by preparations, but Robert was buoyantly evasive, pointing out, in reply, the barber shop used by his grandfather, his father and himself, explaining, with an intensity and long-windedness that may have been parodic, how pollution from the city affected the livelihoods of fishermen, and forced them to take jobs as waiters. Mildly exasperated, Colin stopped suddenly but Robert, though he slowed his energetic stride and turned in surprise, sauntered on as though it was a matter of pride with him not to stop too.
Colin was close to the spot where he had sat with Mary on packing cases a
nd watched the early morning sun. Now, in the late afternoon, although the sun was still high, the eastern sky had lost its vivid purple and, fading by degrees through nursery blue to diluted milk, effected, across the precise line of the horizon, the most delicate of transactions with the pale grey of the sea. The island cemetery, its low stone wall, the packed, bright headstones, was picked out clearly by the sun at his back. Colin glanced across his left shoulder along the quay. Robert was fifty yards away, walking unhurriedly towards him. Colin turned round to look behind. A narrow commercial street, barely more than an alley, broke the line of weatherbeaten houses. It wound under shop awnings and under washing hung like bunting from tiny wrought-iron balconies, and vanished enticingly into shadow. It asked to be explored, but explored alone, without consultations with, or obligations towards, a companion. To step down there now as if completely free, to be released from the arduous states of play of psychological condition, to have leisure to be open and attentive to perception, to the world whose breathtaking, incessant cascade against the senses was so easily and habitually ignored, dinned out, in the interests of unexamined ideals of personal responsibility, efficiency, citizenship, to step down there now, just walk away, melt into the shadow, would be so very easy.
Robert cleared his throat softly. He was standing a couple of paces to Colin’s left. Colin turned back to look at the sea again and said lightly, companionably, ‘The thing about a successful holiday is that it makes you want to go home.’