And you’re allowed to change it again...
I shake off the thought.
Yes, things seem great with Harris now. But if we keep this going, who knows where we’ll be in a month, or six months, or two years for that matter. Harris may want me now, but something tells me it would take a lot more than an average Jane like me to hold his attention for long.
I can’t let myself open up to be hurt again. It doesn’t matter how I feel when I’m with him. Nothing is going to change my mind.
Love is a void. It will take and take and take until there’s nothing left. I’ve let love win before and look where that’s gotten me. I won’t be so careless again. I can’t be.
And now there’s a baby involved. The thought resurfaces and hits me like a ton of bricks to the face. I swing my legs over the side of the bed, fearful that I’m about to throw up.
“Whoa.” Harris jumps up, his hand going to my back. “Are you okay? What’s going on?”
“I think I’m going to be sick,” I tell him, sliding out of the bed.
The instant my feet hit the floor a searing pain shoots through my leg. I quickly pull the weight off my left leg and begin to hobble toward the door.
“Blue, stop.” Harris attempts to help me.
“No.” I swat him away. “I can do this.”
Truthfully the physical pain is a welcome distraction.
“You shouldn’t be putting weight on it until we know the extent of the injury.”
“It’s fine.” My throat starts to constrict as a dry heave pushes to the surface.
I cringe and hiss every step of the way, but I manage to make it to the bathroom across the hall in record time. I no more than get the door shut and make it to the toilet before every single thing in my stomach comes spewing to the surface.
——
“Well, look at the brightside. At least it was just a sprain.” Harris reaches over the center console of his car and squeezes my hand.
“Yeah,” I agree, keeping my gaze focused out the window.
By the time we left the hospital it was well into the evening. Rush hour has cleared for the most part and the city seems a bit quieter than usual.
“And no crutches.”
“Thank goodness.” I sigh, not able to bring myself to look at him.
“Are you hungry? I could swing by and grab some carryout before we head to your house.”
“No, that’s okay. I just want to go home and go to bed.”
He hesitates and I can feel his eyes come to the side of my face for a brief moment.
“Is everything okay? You’ve been quiet ever since they brought you back from x-ray.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. They gave me some pain medication that made me pretty tired,” I lie, knowing they never gave me anything at the hospital.
“Gotcha. That stuff never agrees with me either. I’d rather be uncomfortable than a zombie.”
The rest of the ride home is silent. As much as I hate it, I can’t think of one single thing to say to him. How do you tell the man that you’ve been sleeping with for the past three weeks that you’re pregnant? Let alone that you’re pregnant with another man’s child? Even if this relationship has an expiration date, it doesn’t make the situation any less messed up.
Harris insists on helping me inside even though I tell him repeatedly that I’m okay. Truthfully I’m grateful for the help, even if I didn’t want to accept it.
“You sure you don’t want me to hang out? I can make you something to eat while you rest,” he offers as he lowers me to the floor so I can unlock my door.
“No. I appreciate the offer but I really just want to sleep. I’ll see you at work, okay?” I push open my door.
“Okay.” His eyes dart back and forth between mine like he’s trying to figure something out.
“I’ll see you later.” I press up and lay a kiss to his jaw. “Thank you for taking care of me today.”
“You’ll call me if you need anything?”
“I will.” I nod, giving him the best smile I can muster before hobbling over the threshold, and closing the door behind me without another word.
Snapping the deadbolt in place, I turn and lean against the door. The feeling of it hard and cool against my back is a welcome sensation as I slowly slide to the floor.
Pulling my knees up to my chest, I hug my legs to myself. Even though my ankle protests the position, I don’t let go. I slowly start to rock, something I used to do all the time as a kid. Whenever I was scared or upset about something, I would sit like this and for whatever reason, rocking always calmed me.
Unfortunately, my old tricks don’t seem to be working. No matter how hard I rock, nothing can keep the emotional breakdown I’ve been fighting for the last two hours at bay.
I finally break and once the tears start pouring, I’m fairly certain they may never stop.
How could I let this happen?
And the more important question is... what am I going to do now?
Chapter Twenty-three
Blue
“Hang on!” I yell through my apartment as I slowly make my way to the front door. After two days my ankle is starting to feel a little better but I’m still pretty slow getting around.
I catch sight of the bouquet of flowers sitting on my kitchen counter as I round the hallway. Harris had them sent over yesterday.
The card read:
Roses may be red,
but violets are not BLUE.
I don’t think it’s any secret
That I’m falling for you.
Have I won yet?
Despite the permanent pit that seems to have implanted itself into my stomach, I couldn’t help but smile when I read it. Of course, seconds later I broke down all over again, which has happened a lot over the last couple of days.
“Blue,” Harris’ voice vibrates through the door seconds before another knock sounds. “Blue, open the door.”
I hadn’t realized how much I missed his voice until now but it only further quickens my resolve. I know I have to end this, but I need to find out the results of my ultrasound first. I need to know if he’s the father. He needs to know if he’s the father.
I was hoping I could avoid seeing him until after my appointment, which is scheduled for this afternoon. I called off work the last two days and have only answered text messages, not phone calls from him. I knew if I heard his voice I would probably cave and tell him everything, and I’m just not ready to do that yet. But given that he knows I’m home, it’s not like I can’t answer the door.
Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly as I reach for the knob. When I pull it open and lay eyes on him for the first time since Wednesday, all the air leaves my lungs. Even after a month I still haven’t gotten used to the way my heart picks up speed at the sight of him.
“Hey.” I force the most carefree smile I can muster. “Why aren’t you at work?” I ask, stepping back so that he has room to enter my apartment.
“Why aren’t you?” he asks.
“I thought that was pretty obvious.” I close the door and turn toward him, gesturing to my ankle that’s sporting a bandage.
“Are you sure that’s all it is?” He seems tense and the realization only makes me more nervous.
Does he know?
No, there’s no way he could. I haven’t told anyone. Not even Hannah. Though it’s just about killed me to keep it from my best friend. But I want all the answers before anyone knows.
“Of course it is.”
“What’s going on with you? You have refused to see me since Wednesday. You won’t answer my calls. You’re not coming to work.”
“I just needed some time to rest.”
“And I completely understand that but that means you can’t pick up the phone when I call?”
“Harris.” I let out an exasperated sigh. “I really don’t have time for this right now. I have an appointment I need to get to.”
“Is this because of the bet?” he continues, not
letting me get off that easily.
“What? No, of course not.” I shake my head. I mean it is, but it isn’t at the same time. God, I wish this wasn’t so complicated. This would be so much easier if there wasn’t a baby now involved.
I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do. I can’t have an abortion; I’d never be able to live with myself if I did. And I can’t see carrying this baby to term only to place it in the hands of a stranger. But I also don’t want to be a mother either. There is seriously no win here for me.
“You’ve started pulling away from me. I’ve felt it for a few days now. And now this.” He gestures to nothing in particular. “You’re avoiding me and I deserve to know why.”
“You’re right. You do deserve to know. But I can’t give you the answers you’re looking for. Not yet.”
“What does that even mean? Not yet.” He’s frustrated and in a way he has a right to be. But at the same time, this was just a bet. He had to know this would happen. I told him so several times.
“Look, I really do have to go. Can we please just talk about this later?”
“No.” His response catches me a little off guard. The Harris I’ve grown accustomed to is always so agreeable. He never pushes or gets angry. He’s perfect, actually. Which only makes letting him go that much harder.
But I know it’s for the best. If there were ever two people incapable of committing to a serious relationship it’s me and Harris.
“Blue.” He softens his approach, taking a step toward me. “Just tell me what’s going on. Please.”
“I already told you, nothing is going on. I have some place I need to be and I can’t be late.”
“I’m in love with you.” The words slide off his lips so effortlessly. I swear every fiber in my body goes rigid. “I’m in love with you and I know that scares you but I need you to know how I feel.” He gestures between us. “Whatever is going on with you it’s eating me up inside.”
“Harris.” His name is nothing more than a whisper on my lips.
“I know you say you don’t believe in love, or at least that’s what you tell yourself to prevent anyone from getting too close. But I know you. I know how I feel when I’m with you and I know you can feel it, too.”
“I can’t do this right now.” Panic rises in my chest and the sudden urge to escape is too great.
He’s in love with me?
It’s one thing for him to say he’s falling for me in a sweet little message sent with flowers. It’s quite another to hear him actually say the words. I still don’t think I’ve fully processed the information before I’m grabbing my purse off the back of the chair and heading toward the door.
I don’t make it far before Harris intercepts me.
“Do not run away from me.”
“I’m not running away.” My hands shake and tears prick the backs of my eyes. “I told you, I have an appointment.”
“It can wait. This can’t.”
“Harris, please.” I avoid meeting his gaze, my insides a cluster of knots.
“Dammit, Blue!” His tone is a mixture of frustration and confusion. “Please just talk to me.”
“There’s nothing to say!” I rip my arm away when he reaches for me. “We were just a bet,” I practically scream in his face. Every emotion I’ve been feeling over the last couple of days comes boiling to the surface and every single one is aimed directly at him. “We were just a stupid bet.”
“This was never just a bet and you know it,” he challenges, his nostrils flaring.
“I warned you that this wouldn’t end the way you wanted it to. You shouldn’t be surprised. It’s not like I mislead you.”
“Not like you mislead me?” His voice is riddled with disbelief. “What do you call the last four weeks?” He runs a hand through his hair, tugging on the ends.
“We were having fun.” I try to make myself believe the lie.
“Fun?” He draws back like I’ve physically struck him. “We were having fun?” he repeats.
“Yes.”
“So you’re telling me that this, that I mean nothing to you? You were just having fun.”
“I don’t know what you want from me, Harris.”
“I want you to tell me the truth.”
“I am telling you the truth.”
“Look me in the eye and tell me you feel nothing for me.” He steps toward me and dips his face so that we’re standing eye to eye. “Tell me that you don’t love me.”
I muster every ounce of strength I have. Squaring my shoulders, I look him right in the eyes.
“I don’t love you.”
The hurt that flashes across his face is enough to gut me from the inside out but somehow I manage to keep up the charade.
“Bullshit,” he spits. “You’re just scared.”
“I’m not scared. I don’t love you.”
“Yes you do. You love me and you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you, but you’re scared and you’re letting that fear ruin us.”
“There is no us!” I explode. “There never was an us. There never will be an us. Now if you would please leave, I need to go.” I point toward the door.
“I’m not leaving until you tell me the truth.”
“I already told you the truth.” Emotion sways in my voice.
“Tell me the whole truth, Blue.”
“Fine!” I poke at his chest, my anger taking the forefront over all the other feelings swimming through me. “You want the truth? How’s this for the truth. I’m pregnant.”
I swear every ounce of color drains from his face and he takes a full step back, giving me some much needed distance.
“You’re pregnant?” His features soften as he stares back at me for a long moment.
“I found out at the hospital.”
“That’s why you’ve been so distant. You’re pregnant.”
Then he does something I never in a million years expected him to do. He smiles. And not a forced smile either. I wouldn’t believe it if I wasn’t seeing it with my own two eyes but Harris looks... happy.
“I’m going to be a father?” His smile widens as he turns the idea over in his head. “Blue. This is incredible.”
“Incredible?” I choke on the word.
“Well, it’s unexpected but yes, I think it’s incredible. I’m in love with you. All I want is to be with you.”
His reaction makes what I’m going to say next a hundred times harder.
“You’re not the father.”
It’s like all of the air is suddenly sucked out of the room and everything goes eerily quiet. He stumbles back, his hand finding the back of the couch as he steadies himself.
“What do you mean I’m not the father?” he asks, seeming to answer his own question as he puts the pieces together. “Bruce.” He looks like he might be sick.
I’m not sure what to do. Every part of me wants to go to him, put my arms around him and never let go. But instead I stand and watch him begin to unravel.
“I’m sorry, Harris. This isn’t something I planned or wanted. But it happened and there’s nothing I can do about it now.”
The stretch of silence that comes next is nearly unbearable.
“But you don’t know for sure, right?” he asks after what feels like hours.
“Huh?” I don’t follow.
“Do you know for sure that the baby isn’t mine?”
“Well, no but...”
“So there’s still a chance it could be.”
“There’s an even bigger chance that it’s not,” I argue.
“I don’t care,” he provides as his gaze comes back to mine. “I don’t care who the father is. It doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
“Harris, I...”
“No, Blue. I mean it. It’s not an ideal situation, I’ll admit. But that doesn’t mean we can’t make it work. We can be happy. Me, you,” he gestures to my belly, “the baby. No matter who the father is.” He smiles. “I know we can be.”
What the hell is he saying? Is he seriously volunteering to raise a child that might not be his?
“No.” The one word falls from my lips in defeat. I thought he’d run. I thought he’d learn about the baby and that would be the end. Everything would take care of itself. But now. Now I have to be the one to cut the string even though doing so feels impossible.
“No?” he questions.
“We can’t be happy.” I barely get the words out past the knot of nerves balling in my throat. “We can’t be happy because I don’t love you.”
“Yes you do,” he interjects.
“No,” I say softly. “I don’t. I think you’re an amazing man and I’ve enjoyed our time together so much more than I thought I would, but I don’t want this. I don’t want this baby, and Harris, I don’t want you.”
“You’re just scared.”
“Stop telling me how I feel.” My temper flares again. It’s easier to be mad than admit to myself what I’m truly feeling. “This isn’t something I just decided. This is who I am. I’m not cut out to be someone’s wife or mother and I don’t want to be. I don’t want any of those things. Don’t you get it? I don’t want this.” I gesture between the two of us. “The deal was if I didn’t fall in love with you after four weeks, you’d leave me alone forever. It’s been four weeks as of today.”
“So you’re telling me you want me to leave you alone, forever? You might be carrying my child!”
“It’s not yours.” I shake my head. “And even if it is, it’s not like we’d magically morph into some happy family. You and I are over. The bet is done and now I expect you to honor the terms you set.”
“How do you expect me to do that? I can’t shut this off. I can’t forget how it feels to be with you, to hold you, to love you. I can’t pretend like this never happened.”
“You’re going to have to.”
“Blue, please don’t do this.”
“I need you to leave.” I back up toward the door, pulling it open when I reach it.
“Please.” The desperation in his voice nearly breaks me.
“I need you to leave,” I repeat, mustering every ounce of strength I have to fight back the tears that have been threatening to spill over since he walked inside my apartment.
Violets are not Blue Page 17