Violets are not Blue

by Melissa Toppen

  This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

  So then why are you doing it?

  I silence the small voice in my head. I can’t work out the why right now. All I know is that I have to do this. I can’t explain it or even begin to understand it. I just know it’s what I need to do.

  Harris stands there staring at me for what feels like an eternity. I can tell I’m breaking his heart. I know the feeling because I feel like I’m breaking my own, too.

  I want to beg him to stay. To forget everything I said and go back to the way things were a few short days ago. But as he steps past me, his shoulders slouched in defeat, I do none of those things. Instead, I watch him walk away, knowing full well that I just let go of the best thing that has ever happened to me.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Blue

  I’m sure I’m not the first woman in the world to lay on an exam table in the middle of an ultrasound sobbing like a lunatic, but by the way the technician keeps looking at me, I’m guessing it’s not something she’s seen before.

  She keeps glancing at me like she’s not sure if she should console me or ignore the fact that I’m utterly falling apart. I can’t blame the poor lady, I probably wouldn’t know what to do either.

  They started off by doing a normal ultrasound, but after several minutes they determined I wasn’t far enough along and decided to do one internally instead. So, not only am I a blubbering mess, but I’ve also got a long wand shoved inside me. Which, let me tell you, is all kinds of fun.

  I don’t look at the ultrasound screen. Truthfully, I’m afraid to look. Seeing it will make it real and right now I don’t know if I can handle that.

  “I think we’re finished here.” The tech removes the wand and helps me into a sitting position. “The doctor will take a look at everything and be in to talk to you shortly. You can get dressed while you wait.” She tugs the curtain across the door as she exits.

  I muster a “thank you” before she disappears into the hallway, wiping my face as I attempt to pull my crap together.

  Once I’m dressed, I sit on the edge of the exam table, my mind racing a hundred miles a minute. I feel like I’m spiraling in all directions and I don’t know what I can do to turn myself upright again.

  When Dr. Palmer enters the room, I’m relieved that the wait is over, but I’m also extremely nervous about what she’s about to say.

  She’s been my OB/GYN for nearly a decade and the one thing I love the most about her is that she never sugarcoats the issues, always being direct and to the point. So, when she takes a seat and doesn’t meet my gaze right away, I know something isn’t right.

  “I reviewed the ultrasound,” she starts, her attention on the iPad in her hands. “We checked and then checked again but we weren’t able to find any signs of pregnancy.”

  “What?” My heart jumps into my throat.

  “You’re not pregnant.” She finally meets my gaze.

  “I’m not pregnant?” I question slowly, needing to make sure I’m understanding her perfectly before I get my hopes up.

  “The test at the hospital must have given a false positive. It’s not something that happens a lot but it does happen. I ran the urine sample you gave when you arrived, and the test came back negative. That, coupled with the ultrasound, we can definitively rule out pregnancy.”

  I don’t know whether I want to laugh or start crying again.

  “You’re sure?”

  “A hundred percent, yes.”

  This is what I wanted. What I prayed for. I’m not pregnant. I should feel like dancing in the streets but for some reason I don’t. Instead I feel... disappointed?

  The feeling doesn’t sit right with me, no doubt a product of the trying day I’ve had. So I push it down deep and choose to ignore it. Something it would seem I’m getting really good at.

  I’m on the phone with Hannah before I even reach the parking lot. I need to get drunk and cry and there’s only one person I want to do it with.

  She answers on the second ring.

  “What are you doing right now?” I ask without saying hello.

  “Um, working. What are you doing?”

  “You’re not off yet?” I ask, pulling my phone back to glance at the time. Four-thirty. Crap.

  “I’m wrapping up now. I’ll be heading out soon. Why, what’s up?”

  “I’m in need of a drinking buddy for the evening. What do you say? You, me, a bottle of tequila?”

  “Uh oh. What happened?” I hear the concern in her voice. Hannah knows me well and she knows I only drink hard liquor when something bad has happened.

  “I’ll explain when I see you. Roark’s in twenty minutes?”

  “Yeah, I think I can make that happen.”

  “Great. I’ll see you then.” I disconnect the call as I reach my car.

  Sliding into the driver’s seat, I take a deep breath and slowly release it. You would think having found out I’m not pregnant would make breathing easier. So why is it that the weight on my chest feels like it’s even heavier now?

  It only takes me ten minutes to reach Roark’s, a small little pub a couple of blocks from the office. I find a table located in the far corner of the bar area and order both Hannah and I a drink.

  By the time she arrives fifteen minutes later, both glasses are empty and I’ve already ordered two more.

  She smiles when she sees me but it instantly fades when she gets close enough to get a good look at me. I hadn’t thought to check myself in the mirror, but given the amount of crying I’ve done today I’d venture to say I probably look like a hot mess.

  “Blue.” She extends her arms to me the moment she reaches the table, somehow knowing it’s what I need.

  I stand, prepared to give her a quick hug and move along, but as soon as her arms are wrapped around me, I completely fall apart.

  ——

  Three hours and several drinks later, Hannah and I are still sitting at the same table, attempting to solve all of life’s problems over stiff cocktails. I wish I could say that opening up to Hannah about everything that’s happened over the last couple of days has made me feel better but it didn’t. I still feel just as lost and confused as I did earlier today.

  But I got everything I wanted, right?

  “So I have a question.” Hannah sways slightly in her seat, causing her to giggle.

  “Which is?” I smile at my best friend, the buzz of the alcohol making the action a lot easier to stomach.

  “Are you sure you’re doing the right thing by letting Harris go?”

  And there it is. The question she’s probably been wanting to ask since I recounted how I ended things with him earlier. Damn liquid courage.

  “What do you mean am I doing the right thing?” I slur. “Have you met the man? He’s arrogant and cocky. Not to mention he’s a player.”

  “You sound like you did before the bet.”

  “Well, my time with him didn’t make the facts of who he is any less true.”

  “Are you sure about that? Because I think we both know you don’t actually think of him that way.” She sips her drink. “Did you ever stop to consider that maybe it’s easier for you to see him that way than admit how you really feel about him.”

  “Not you too,” I groan, face-palming my forehead.

  “Just hear me out.” She holds her hands up in front of herself. “You’re my best friend and I love you. You know I would never steer you wrong. So for once in your life I need you to listen to what I have to say and keep an open mind.”

  “Okay,” I agree when she looks at me expectantly.

  “You are one of the best people I’ve ever known. But sometimes you can be seriously dense.”

  “Tell me how you really feel, why don’t you?” I snort.

  “You’re so hung up on this idea of love being a bad thing.”

  “Because it is,” I grumble.

  “No, it isn’t. If you let it, love can be one of the most incredible things in the
world. There are so many people out there searching for their person, myself included. Looking for someone to love us. Someone we can love in return. Someone to share our lives with. And meanwhile you have this incredible man standing right in front of you, professing his love to you, and you’re too stubborn to admit you feel the same.”

  “Hannah,” I start, but she cuts me off.

  “No, you said you’d hear me out, so listen. While it would be easier for me to sit here and tell you exactly what you want to hear, as your best friend I can’t do that. I’ve tried to bite my tongue and let you figure this out on your own, but now that you’ve royally screwed everything up, it’s time for me to intervene.” She gives me a pointed look. “Harris loves you, Blue. He loves you.”

  “Maybe he does.” I shrug indifferently. “For now.”

  “What do you mean for now?”

  “It’s only a matter of time before he gets bored and moves onto the next shiny object.”

  “Is that what you think?”

  “That’s what I know.”

  “Maybe I’m a dick for bringing this up, but Blue, he offered to raise another man’s baby to be with you. Does that really sound like a man who’s not a hundred percent in? What more could he have done?”

  “Nothing. It’s not him. It’s me. I just don’t think I’m cut out for love.”

  “Everyone is cut out for love. Love is what makes this shitty ass life worth living. Do you really think you’ll be happy alone, forever? Never having a partner to lean on. Someone to celebrate your triumphs with and pick you up when you fall?”

  “That’s what I have you for.”

  “But that’s not the same and you know it. As much as I love you, you’re not enough for me. And I shouldn’t be enough for you. Don’t you want more?”

  “I used to.”

  “Let’s try this.” She holds up her finger as she takes a long drink from her glass. “Let’s erase all the bad shit that’s happened to you in the past.”

  “It’s not that easy, Hannah. I can’t hit the delete button.”

  “No, I know that. But let’s pretend. Can you do that?” She waits until I nod before continuing. “Let’s remove James and every other bad relationship you’ve had. As of this moment, they never existed. Now, I want you to think about Harris. Only Harris. Think about the way you feel when you see him. What’s the first word that comes to mind?”

  “Happy,” I say the first thing that pops into my head.

  “And when he kisses you?”

  “Excited.”

  This game is easier than I thought.

  “And when he holds you?”

  “Love.” The word leaves my mouth so effortlessly it almost feels like I said nothing at all.

  “You love him.” It’s not a question.

  I think on it for a long moment. I picture Harris. His gray eyes. His addictive smile. His incredible body. But then I go beyond the physical. I think about the way he treats me. How safe and cared for he makes me feel. How loved...

  The truth is easier to ignore when it’s not staring you in the face. Maybe it’s the alcohol. Maybe it’s Hannah’s little exercise. Or maybe it’s me finally being honest with myself. Whatever the reason, I know my next words to be truer than anything else I’ve spoken all day.

  “I love him,” I whisper, the words foreign on my lips. “I love him.”

  “Halle-fucking-lujah.” She throws her hands up in the air.

  “I love him,” I repeat, the revelation setting me free in a way I never expected.

  “Yeah you do!” Hannah laughs.

  “I’m in love with Harris Avery,” I announce loud enough that anyone within ear shot can hear me.

  It’s like now that I’ve said it, I never want to stop. I want to scream it from the rooftops. I want the entire world to know.

  “I need to go see Harris.” A sudden nervous, hollow feeling spreads through my stomach as I think about the things I said to him earlier.

  “Slow down there, killer.” Hannah’s leg springs out to stop me from getting up. “You can’t just show up at his apartment drunker than a skunk and announce that you love him. He’ll never take you seriously.”

  “Of course I can. Alcohol is a truth serum, after all.” I wag my finger at her. Okay, maybe I’m a little more inebriated than I realized.

  “That might be so, but, no offense, you look awful.” She giggles. “And you smell like a bar.”

  “Um, hello! So do you.”

  “Yeah, but I’m not the one about to go profess my love to someone three sheets to the wind, am I?”

  “What is it that you’re always saying? Life is all about taking risks.”

  “I do say that, but like with everything, there are limits. Maybe you should sleep on it. Harris will still be there in the morning and you’ll be in a better head space.”

  “My head space feels quite perfect right now. Thank you very much.”

  “Yeah. That’s my point.”

  “Where is my best friend? You know, the one that’s always down for an adventure.”

  “Trying to keep her best friend from doing something rash while she’s drunk.”

  ——

  Despite Hannah’s reservations, less than thirty minutes later I stumble out of an Uber outside of Harris’ apartment. The ground sways beneath my feet and I know I’m probably way too drunk for my own good, but what I need to say can’t wait until tomorrow. I don’t want to go another minute without telling the man I love how I feel.

  So, with an alcohol induced confidence, I straighten my shoulders and march toward his building. Hannah’s waiting in the car. She said she wasn’t leaving until she knew he was home and that I was staying put.

  It’s still light outside but just barely. I haven’t looked at the clock in a while but I’d say it’s close to nine.

  Before I know it I’m standing in front of Harris’ door. I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous or excited as I raise my hand and rap my fist against the dark wood.

  I’m not sure how long I wait before the door pulls open. My grasp on time is more than a little skewed but it doesn’t feel all that long.

  I take a deep breath, preparing to tell him everything when my words die in my throat.

  Because it’s not Harris standing in front of me. But a tall, beautiful brunette.

  “I... uh...” I stutter out, glancing at the number on the door to make sure I have the right apartment. “Is Harris here?”

  “He’s in the bathroom. Do you want me to grab him for you?” she questions, giving me a friendly smile.

  I think I’m going to be sick.

  “No, um, that’s okay.” I stumble backward, nearly losing my balance in my haste to get away.

  Turning on my heel, I run as fast as my sore ankle and wobbly legs will carry me. Tears stream down my cheeks before I even make it outside.

  I feel it building. The pain, the betrayal, the splintering of my heart that never should have opened up to a man like Harris Avery. I knew this would happen. I know the kind of man he is and yet I chose to get involved with him anyway, lying to myself the entire time.

  I had this crazy notion that I was impervious to love. That no matter how attracted I was to someone, I wouldn’t fall in love with them because I made the decision not to love. As if love is even a choice.

  I never stood a chance against Harris. I just wish I would have realized it before I ever said yes to that stupid bet.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Harris

  “Okay, where were we?” I reclaim my seat at the table across from Loraine.

  “Well, you were saying you liked the house on Pike,” she reminds me. “But before we dive back in, you should know that some woman just showed up here looking for you. She ran off before I could catch her name.”

  I swear I think my heart stops beating.

  “Blonde shoulder length hair?” I ask, pushing past the tightness of my throat.

  “Blue eyes. About my height,
” she adds.

  “Fuck.” I lean back in my chair, scrubbing a hand over my face.

  “I’m guessing that was her?” She arches a brow at me.

  Loraine is someone I met through Robert. When I first moved here I had considered buying a house. Robert put me in touch with her, but after a short search I decided to lease an apartment instead. When I called her today and asked if she could come over after her last house showing to show me what she has right now, I never dreamed that Blue would show up.

  My plan to prove to her that I am serious about being with her and the baby may have just backfired in my face. I can only imagine what she was thinking seeing Loraine standing in my apartment.

  “Yep,” I answer Loraine’s question after a long beat. “I’m sorry to cut this short, considering you’re doing me a huge favor by being here, but I really need to go.” I push out of my chair and she quickly follows, closing her laptop before shoving it into her bag.

  “I totally understand.” She nods, sliding the strap of her bag onto her shoulder. “How about I email you some of the listings we discussed and you can get back to me.”

  “Yeah, that sounds good.” I try to keep my tone even, walking her to the door. “Thank you again for coming on such short notice,” I say, opening the door.

  “No problem at all.”

  The second she disappears into the hallway, I pull out my cell phone and click on Blue’s name. It rings once before her voicemail picks up.

  “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”

  Making quick work of sliding on my shoes, I grab my keys off the counter and head for the door.

  Today has been a whirlwind. Of course this would happen. It’s like the cherry on top of my perfect shit storm sundae.

  I call Blue several times on the short car ride to her apartment. Eventually it stops ringing all together and goes straight to voicemail, only increasing my urgency to speak to her.

  She misread the situation and I need to get to her and fix it before something happens that can’t be undone. I know if I were her, I’d probably lash out by finding the first girl I could sink my dick into. Or at least the old me would have.