by David McGhee
Chapter 5: Free Kittens!
For something being free, Malcolm was having a hard time getting rid of the little bastards, minus Fido of course. If the land lord found that he was hoarding felines without making five separate deposits he'd freak. So far Harold's ad had attracted six people, two of them told him straight up that the kittens would fed to a snake and the other four just seemed like they would be unfit parents. Despite his animosity toward the cats, he was growing fond of them and just wanted the best.
He wasn’t a total monster after all.
It had been a week since Josh had gotten his number but he had yet to call him. Malcolm had watched him sleep a few nights back but the most exciting that got was when Josh would talk in his sleep. Malcolm at first thought he had awoken but soon realized that he was still in slumber land. He had some fun chatting with the unconscious man but that too grew tiresome. Leaving through the unlocked front door he saw that Bill and Garrick had passed out on the couch again. Malcolm maneuvered Bill's hand over onto Garrick's crotch and smiled.
Malcolm had disposed of Harold's body a day before that but his aroma still lingered. He'd had to explain to the prospective kitty owners that they went on vacation and the neighbor hadn't fed the hamster. When they got back it was dead and stinking up the place. He was going to say that it was a dog but the last thing he needed was animal control on his ass. After all, who cares about a fucking hamster?
He held onto Fido and made baby noises to him, he was having none of it and wanted to be let down. Fido was able to enjoy this privilege while the others were confined to the box. Thoughts of Josh ran through his mind, he was obsessed with the boy. He had long thought about what to do to get him within his grasp. He seemed to have enjoyed his company. Right? He was a little effeminate when they met.
Malcolm thought of Josh's body when he slept. He curled into the fetal position and hugged his pillow. It was the cutest thing, it made Malcolm want to hold him in his arms and cradle the poor boy.
He had to do something about his drug problem, but what? He knew from experience that killing just one dealer or just one addict did not do the trick. They were like cockroaches underneath a refrigerator. When one comes out in the light, you kill it. But when you turn the lights off a hundred come out and you are overwhelmed and have to call the exterminator.
Which reminded him, he needed to call Terminex about the spider problem they were having, not for him, but for Fido's sake and whomever would be his new roommate.
Josh?
That would be awesome. He could see him sleep in his boxers every night. Holding his pillow and talking aloud while he slumbered. They would be best friends and maybe he'd even get him drunk and high on occasion. But not the kind of high he had going on a daily basis. That had to stop.
He thought about his two drunk roommates. Something had to be done about them. It's not a good environment for him to live in. One roommate gone missing wouldn't do anything. They'd just split the difference until they found a new one.
No.
He had to take care of both of them.
What if he had a girlfriend?
Depending on how she treated him. She would have to go too.
Just call me the exterminator, Malcolm thought with a grin.
Even though the kitten had wanted to be put down, when he let go of it it had not left his feet since. It would meow, he would look down, he would then fall onto his side on his foot and start rolling over while purring loudly. This brought a smile to Malcolm's face and he bent over to give it a little belly rub. Upon placing his hand on the black underbelly of the kitten it moved in for an attack and ensnared him in his claws, kicking up his palm with its back hind legs. It did not hurt though, one good thing about being who he was, was that he was pretty much immune to pain. He was damn near invincible for that matter.
The whole stake through the heart bit? Bullshit.
The whole sun burning him to a blackened oil cooked French fry? A fucking joke.
Holy water? Even if he wasn't an atheist he would of laughed in the preacher's face before shoving his bible up his colon. To Malcolm's knowledge there was no way to kill him. This depressed him because he's lived so much life and seen so many people he loved and care about fall into the wind, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
The only thing that bothered him enough to avoid was fire. Could he die that way? He'd never heard anything from other vampires about it but it seemed plausible. Like that time he started that fire in Chicago to get back at a girl for cheating on him he had found the dancing flames to be entrancing. Him believing that he was invulnerable he put his hand in it. It hurt like a bitch and the blackness didn't go away for weeks after that.
Malcolm left the kitten where it was and walked into the bathroom. He went to the cabinet under the sink and got out some air freshener. He went back out into the hall and over to the closet, where he opened the door and sprayed at least half a can into the small space. Even with it he could still smell Harold's musk mixed with decaying flesh. Why did he have to have such sensitive smelling? It made eating high end cheese a real bitch.
The phone in his pocket began to vibrate. This annoyed him and he took it out to see who could be bothering him at eleven o'clock at night. The number was unfamiliar and he hesitated before hitting send. He put it to his ear and said "Hello?"
"Hey man!" Josh's voice was slurring a bit, still heavenly none the less though. "I was wondering if you like shows?"
"Shows…" Malcolm sighed. "What kind of shows? Movie shows, music shows, live theater shows? Give me a little more to go on." Malcolm emptied the rest of the air freshener into the closet.
"Music shows." Josh laughed. "I was wondering if you've ever heard of The Thermals?"
Malcolm had, but he decided to play coy. "No. But they sound interesting."
"Well, they are playing the Hi Dive in two days. I just found out about it today and... Well... I sort of need a ride."
"A ride you say?" Malcolm smiled.
"Yeah, I plan on staying out late, and well, you seem sort of cool. Not many people can throw Garrick around like you did."
Malcolm walked into the living room and sat down on his futon. Fido promptly followed.
"I'll have to see what I'm doing. Where is the Hi Dive?" Malcolm lied again.
"Ellsworth and Broadway. Listen, I really want to go."
Fido jumped into Malcolm's lap and he began absently scratching behind its ear. "Can't you take a bus or something?" He was playing hard to get.
"The busses don't run after two am. My girlfriend doesn't want to go and..."
Malcolm sat up, Fido ran off of him and into the kitchen. "You have a girlfriend!?" He was apt to smack the hoe right then.
"Yeah, anyways. She doesn't want to go and I don't trust any of my roommates with driving. You've seen them. They are going to die of liver failure by the time they're thirty."
Malcolm sat back into his seat and with his free hand rubbed his eyes. This was just perfect.
"Well if I take you then you got to promise me no bitches."
"What if she wants to go?"
"Well..." Malcolm thought for a second. “You just said she didn’t want to go, and… I sort of just want to hang out with you. I really don't have any friends. It seems like everyone I meet have a problem with living."
There was a pause on the other line. "What do you mean by that?"
Malcolm caught himself and tried to do damage control. "I mean, they are just bad at living. You know, taking care of themselves and all."
"Oh." Josh laughed. "Sort of like Bill and Garrick!"
Malcolm faked a giggle to accompany Josh's enthusiasm. "Yeah, like them."
"So... Do you want to go?"
"As I said I'd have to check." It was a done deal however. "Is this the number I can call you on?"
"Yeah. Name's Josh Hartman."
This time Malcolm genuinely smiled. "You mean like Josh Hartnet?"
"I could kill you for saying th
at."
"Well, let me see. I'll call you tomorrow morning OK?"
Josh hesitated. "Call me in the afternoon. I gotta open up The Jumping Bean. Do you like coffee?"
"Indeed I do. However I do not do mornings." Malcolm got up and went to the kitchen to feed the kittens. He went for the cabinet over the stove and took out a bag of kitten food. There was a bowl already in the box so all he had to do was fill it. After he did so he noticed that their water bowl was empty. He remedied the situation with haste, then went out into the hallway to find Fido. Little sucker must be famished.
"Well, if you are ever around one morning downtown, I'll get you a free latte."
Fido was sniffing around the hallway closet, Malcolm picked him up and walked him to the kitchen where he added him to the box of young felines.
"I will most certainly do that." Malcolm watched the cats eat and drink, as if in a trance.
"That would be cool."
"Hey man." Malcolm said. "Would you like a free kitten?"