by Jess Dee
Minutes later, or maybe it was hours, he untangled himself from Seth and Kaz’s arms, careful not to wake them.
Seth grunted and rolled over, pulling Kaz tighter into his embrace.
Kaz burrowed into him.
This was exactly how he’d found them two mornings back. Snug in each other’s arms. He spent a very long time just looking at them, looking at Seth. Even though he knew he’d done the right thing, done good by Seth, it didn’t ease his pain.
Luke’s heart cracked in two, never to be whole again.
Tiptoeing from the bedroom almost made him sick. His chest closed and breathing became close to impossible. Every bone in his body ached, objecting to the steps he took farther and farther away from the kid…no, from the man he loved. Seth was no kid. He hadn’t been for a very long time. And though Luke would always feel great fondness for the kid Seth had once been, it was the man he’d fallen in love with. The man he was walking away from.
He’d see Seth again. Tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. He’d see him every day for the next six months. But if he played his cards right and convinced Kaz to join Seth permanently on their concert tour, a proposition he’d make to her tomorrow, then Seth would no longer try to seduce him with those irresistible baby blues of his.
He wouldn’t need to. He’d have Kaz to seduce.
Luke dressed methodically. Christ, he didn’t remember his clothes fitting this tightly. His shirt scratched his skin and his pants made his legs itch. His ears rang and dots filled his vision.
He was a mess. A fucked-up mess.
Who would have thought cutting himself off from Seth would feel like cutting off the blood supply from his heart?
He couldn’t resist taking one last look. Tiptoeing back to the bedroom, he was startled to find Kaz awake. She was still tucked into Seth’s side, but she watched him with worried eyes.
“You’re leaving?” she whispered.
“It’s time.”
“For what?”
“For me to go.” He stared at Seth. “To walk away.”
“From Seth?”
Luke nodded. It hurt too much to talk.
Kaz curled her hand protectively around Seth’s arm. “Don’t leave him.”
He shrugged helplessly. “I have to.”
“No.” She shook her head. “You have to stay with him.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because if I stay, I’ll only hurt him, and that is one thing I could never do to Seth.”
“You don’t think leaving him will hurt him, desperately?”
He gave her a very sad, very tired smile. “Not anymore. Now he has you.”
“No, Luke, he doesn’t want me. You’re the only one he wants.”
And Seth was the only one he wanted. “He’s yours now, Karen Flaherty. Please, look after him. Love him the way he deserves to be loved.”
Before Luke would allow her to see the tears that filled his eyes, he turned around and left the suite.
Chapter Nine
Seth yawned, stretched and blinked a few times. He rolled over to seek out Luke’s warmth, but that side of the bed was empty, so he stretched his arm out to take Kaz’s hand.
He didn’t find it. What he did find was Kaz, looking agitated. She paced the length of the room, muttering silently to herself. Luke was nowhere to be seen.
“Sweet pea?”
Kaz stopped dead in her tracks. “You’re awake.”
“Uh-huh.” He yawned and sat up. “What’s the time?”
“Two twenty-three a.m.”
“Have I been sleeping long?”
“Forty-five minutes-ish.” She gnawed on her lower lip.
“You wanna talk about it?”
“’Bout what?”
“’Bout whatever it is that has you so upset.”
Kaz shoved her hand through her hair. “No, Seth. I really don’t. I want you to talk to Luke about it.”
He’d never seen Kaz like this. Yes, the first time they met she’d been thrown for a loop, but that was more a matter of speechless wonder than flustered anxiety. “About what?”
“About the fact that he’s walked out on you and left you to me.”
Seth stared at her, not quite comprehending what she’d said. “Um…pardon?”
“Oh, God, Seth, I’m sorry.” Her face fell. “So very, very sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” A nasty sensation snuck into the pit of his stomach.
“I don’t know how to say this.”
“Say what?”
“Luke’s gone. He…he…left.”
Seth relaxed. “That’s not a problem. I’ll see him in the morning.” Luke didn’t always spend the night.
“No, you don’t understand. He left you. He walked away, and I doubt he’s coming back.”
“He can’t walk away. He’s the band manager.”
“He’s not walking away from Speed.” She took a deep breath. “Just from you.”
And there it was again. That nasty feeling in his gut. “Why would you say that?”
“Be-because he told me as much.”
“When?”
“When I woke up to find him looking at you with so much pain and so much love, it looked as if his world were coming to an end.”
Seth turned cold. “Tell me again what he said.”
“He said he’s leaving, because if he stays any longer he’s going to hurt you. And…” Again she gnawed on her lip. “And he doesn’t wanna hurt you, Seth. The thought of it is just about killing him.”
“And he thinks walking away from me isn’t gonna hurt?”
Kaz looked at him, her eyes so sad he could barely hold her gaze. “He doesn’t think he’s hurting you this way. He—I think he believes you’ll be fine, because…” She shrugged helplessly.
“Because?”
“Because you have me.”
“But I don’t want you.” Shit, that came out sounding all wrong. “What I mean is, I adore you, sweet pea, you know that. But I love Luke.”
“I know that, Seth. I just don’t think Luke knows it. I don’t think he understands that he’s the only one for you. That’s why he found me. To replace him in your life.”
Seth stared at her, dumbstruck. “Jesus.” His heart twisted. “Kaz… Fuck.” He couldn’t say more, couldn’t think clearly. What the fuck had Luke been thinking? What had he done?
“Seth?”
“Hm?”
“It’s time I told you what I see in Luke’s aura whenever I look at him.”
Luke blocked out every thought, every sound and every emotion. He blocked out the entire world, refusing to think about anyone or anything.
The excruciating pain that crushed his chest went ignored. The inability to breathe was irrelevant. The fact that he might never feel whole again? Not important. All that mattered now was each movement, each strike, each kick, each punch, each stance, executed with flawless precision as he worked his way through every kung fu form he’d ever learned.
“‘When practiced, Chang Quan should look like raging waves on a great river that follow one another endlessly, allowing for no weak points. Show no weakness, Luke Struthers. Show only determination. Flow like the river.’”
His si fu’s voice echoed in his ears, relentless, commanding, unforgiving. He demanded perfection, demanded one hundred percent, and Luke gave it, lost himself to the discipline and to the art.
Years ago, when Luke had discovered kung fu, it had been his refuge, his solace from the hell of his home life. At thirteen he’d learned to fight and to defend himself. He’d learned discipline, learned to contain his emotions so they would not overwhelm him.
By seventeen he had his black belt. By twenty he was a master.
He’d never let it go, never strayed from the art. Every day he trained, although training on tour, without a sparring partner, was not always easy. This, now, went beyond training. This obsessive need to lose himself in his patterns was his on
ly salvation. Sweat, tears and lack of oxygen would not sway him from his course.
He needed this.
Minutes ticked by, maybe even hours. Numbers lost all meaning. It was only a very long time later, once he’d greeted the sun, stood and bowed, that the world around him came back into view. That the living room of his hotel suite became a living room again, even though the furniture had been pushed aside to give him the space he’d needed.
His muscles ached from the torture he’d subjected them to, yet everything seemed sharper, colors seemed brighter, the air seemed…stiller. Oxygen was no longer elusive. Luke could breathe once again.
But the pain in his heart still crippled him.
“You done?”
The question pierced his consciousness.
When had Seth walked in?
Luke centered his breathing and turned around, very slowly.
There he was, the kid…the man he loved, leaning against the door, looking just as slumberous and sexy as he always did. All loose limbed and relaxed, as though he’d just woken up. But one look into those baby blue eyes and Luke knew Seth was anything but relaxed. Or sleepy.
He was alert, he was vigilant, and he was hopping mad.
Luke reached out to grab a towel, wiping at the sweat on his brow. As Seth watched the magnificent ripple of muscle along his bare chest and shoulders, a verse of a lullaby his grandmother used to sing to him played in his head. Like a broken record, he couldn’t seem to stop hearing it.
When all is different then you’ll see
Just how strong your hearts can be
Though his love appears empty
She’ll change it all with colors plenty.
He’d never understood it before. He still didn’t. He just somehow knew it had to do with Luke and Kaz and Kaz’s extraordinary ability to read color.
“I’m done,” Luke answered.
“With your kung fu?” Seth paused for effect. “Or with me?”
Luke eyed him for a few seconds. “I’m done, Seth. Period. Now I’m gonna take a shower.”
“No, Luke you’re not. You’re gonna stay right here, and you’re gonna talk to me. And this time, you’re not going to distract me with a woman or with sex. This time, you’re going to tell me what the fuck is going on, whether you want to or not.” He smiled grimly. “Got it?”
Luke looked around. “Where is Kaz?”
Hadn’t Luke heard him? Seth would not be distracted “She’s in her room. She went there when I came here.”
“You didn’t bring her along?”
“No, I didn’t bring her. Because contrary to your fucked-up belief that she’s taken your place in my life, she hasn’t. There is only one person I love, and that person is you. Not Kaz. Never was, never will be. No matter how damned hard you try to palm me off on her.”
“I didn’t—”
“The fuck you didn’t. You set up the whole damn thing. Brought her to meet me, then laid her out like a sacrificial lamb. What did you think, Lucas? That she and I would take one look at each other and wedding bells would ring?”
Luke was all calm. “I’d hoped.”
“You’d hoped?”
“You need someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved. I’m not that someone. I’d hoped Kaz was.”
“That’s a load of bull, and you know it. You love me exactly the way I need to be loved. You’re just too damned scared to show it.”
“Seth, I’m sorry. I’ve told you, over and over again, it’s not love. It’s sex. You just won’t hear it.”
How the fuck did he do it? Keep his cool when—thanks to Kaz’s insight—Seth now knew he was anything but. Seth marched across the room and got in Luke’s face. “Wrong, baby. It’s love. You know it, I know it, and interestingly enough, Kaz knows it too. You are just too much of a shit-assed coward to acknowledge the truth.”
Luke shrugged. “Call me whatever you need to. It won’t change the facts. It’s just sex.”
“You love me, asshole.” Sheer frustration had Seth lifting up his palms and shoving Luke, hard. “And it’s time you faced the truth.”
Luke stumbled back.
Before he could regain his balance, Seth shoved him again. Twisted as it may be, he took perverse pleasure from seeing Luke off balance. “You think walking away from me isn’t gonna hurt?” Seth seethed. “You think we can both just ignore what’s between us?” Another shove. “Then you’re a fool, Struthers. A fucking idiot. You can no more ignore what’s between us than I can stop breathing, and the reason for that is you love me. Like I love you.” One more shove. “Now man up to it. For once in your goddamn life, just man up to it.”
Luke found his feet. “I suggest you stop pushing me.” His voice was very quiet, very controlled.
Yeah, right. Seth shoved him again, harder than before. Only this time Luke didn’t stumble. Before Seth knew what had happened, Luke had Seth’s shirt in his fist, and he was dragging him, one-handed, across the living room. Fast. So fast. Too fast for him to object. And then a thud resounded through the room, and Seth was pinned to the wall, helpless.
Luke trapped him there. Wouldn’t release him. “I told you to quit shoving me,” he bit out from between gritted teeth.
Seth’s heart slammed into his ribs. This was a side to Luke he’d never seen before. A side that promised violence. Luke’s eyes were tiny slits, and danger seemed to ooze from his every pore.
It turned Seth the fuck on.
“And I told you to man up to your emotions. Quit living in the past and face facts. You love me.”
“What did you say?”
“I said you love me. I’ve said it all along.”
“No. What did you say about me living in the past?” Rage flared in Luke’s eyes.
“I said you need to quit living in it.”
Luke took a very deep breath. “Tread carefully, Seth. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
No, he didn’t. He was only going on what Kaz had told him. That Luke was desperately trying to escape something from his past. Something he’d never shared with Seth. “I know that you love me. What I don’t know is why you deny it. What happened to you, Luke? What scared you so bad, you’ve lost all confidence in your ability to love another person?”
Luke released Seth as quickly as he’d grabbed him. He turned around, squared his shoulders and spoke without looking at Seth. “You need to leave now. You need to walk out of this room and not come back.”
“I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s got you all freaked out.”
“The door’s right over there. Use it.”
“What happened to you, Luke?”
“Leave, Seth. Leave now.”
Seth pushed away from the wall. “What happened to you? All those years ago. Before you met Zachary, before you met me. What made you the man you are today?”
Luke’s back turned rigid.
Seth stepped forward. “You might as well tell me, ’cause I ain’t leaving until I have answers.”
“I have nothing to tell you.” Luke’s voice sounded odd. Lower than usual. “Now, go. Get out.”
Seth knew he should leave. There were vibrations coming off Luke he’d never felt before. He also knew there was no way he could go. “You wanna hear something interesting? About the woman you tried to shove me off on? She has a gift. A special ability we never knew about. She reads auras. She can look at someone and understand a whole hell of a lot about them, just by interpreting the color that surrounds them.”
Luke remained motionless.
“Would you like to know what Kaz sees when she looks at you?” He waited for a response but got none. “She wouldn’t tell me at first. Didn’t think it was any of my business. But after you left me in her care, she decided it might be better if I knew.” He walked over to Luke, touched his back.
Luke shrugged his hand off, so fast, it slapped Seth on the thigh. It didn’t stop him from registering the clammy feel of Luke’s skin or hearing the r
agged gasp of his breath.
“She sees a desperate man, Lucas. Someone trying hard to deny his true feelings for another man.” Christ, couldn’t he react in some way? Turn around and face him? Say something?
“She sees a person escaping his past, determined to rise above whatever it was that knocked him back when he was younger. She sees a man who knows no other way of protecting the ones he loves than pushing them away as far as he can get them.”
Was it his imagination, or did Luke’s breathing now sound shallower? “And you know what’s interesting? Now that she’s pointed out all she sees to me, I see it too.” He stepped closer, so close his shoes touched the back of Luke’s feet. He felt Luke’s rage as tangibly as if it were a living thing.
And he felt his own rage build. His own fury.
“I don’t understand why you’re running from your past, Lucas. And I sure as hell don’t see why you’re hiding that past from me. I don’t get why you feel the need to deny your love, either. But you know what I’m most blind to? Understanding how the fuck you think you can substitute yourself with Kaz. ’Cause that, my friend, just makes no sense whatsoever.
“Just how the fuck did you think I would ever let you replace yourself with someone else? How the fuck did you think Kaz would fall for that? How the fuck could you be so arrogant and so stupid as to try to manipulate both of our lives like that?”
Jesus Christ, Luke’s silence was killing him. Frustrating the crap out of him. He wanted to hurt him. Wanted to hit him. Or shove him again. “You’re a manipulative asshole for pulling that stunt, you’re a faithless bastard for hiding your past, but most of all, you’re a shit-assed coward for pretending you don’t love me.”
Still no response. Nothing but Luke’s rigid back and shallow breaths.
Seth lost it. He lost the plot completely. “For fuck’s sake, Luke, talk to me.” With all his might, he pushed Luke, and the man didn’t move an inch. “Say something. Anything. Tell me you love me, tell me you hate me, tell me I’m wrong.” He shoved again. “Tell me nothing happened in your past that freaked you out. Tell me you’re not afraid, not damaged.” Another mighty push. “Tell me something. Anything.”