Simple

by Toler, B N

  Her voice.

  Her words.

  A short summer of memories that stretched long over the years.

  A goodbye I was convinced I’d never survive, at least not mentally.

  I love you more than anything, Cole. I hope you know that. Her voice echoed in the back of my mind.

  “Holy mother of…” Bailor’s words trailed off as he smacked my chest with the back of his hand. Looking up, I followed his gaze.

  Emalee.

  Shock threaded its way through me as I stared at her, unable to speak.

  When her eyes met mine, a thousand memories danced across the space between us stopping on my last memory of our time together; when I’d told her goodbye. It’s amazing how the mind replayed certain memories in 3D. The path the tear followed as it drifted down her delicate cheek; the pain in her eyes; the crushing hurt I felt watching her walk away. The vividness caused my breath to catch, making me feel numb all over. Only after Bailor obnoxiously cleared his throat, yanking me out of my reverie, did I realize the entire bar had fallen silent at her entrance.

  Emalee’s dark eyes bore into me, and I couldn’t look away, even though a part of me wanted to.

  A woman with long black hair and huge sunglasses looped her arm through Emalee’s and whispered something to her before moving them toward the bar. Emalee slowly shifted her gaze away from mine and focused on the bar. Her song ended and hushed murmurs and voices filled the room in the brief silence while the jukebox switched to the next song.

  “Well, I guess now we know her undisclosed location,” Joe muttered.

  Bailor’s brows furrowed. “What does that mean?”

  “News spot I saw this morning,” Joe explained. “They said she’d canceled the remainder of her tour for personal reasons and was taking some time off in an undisclosed location.”

  “You okay, Cole?” Bailor asked as he nudged me with his shoulder.

  “Yeah,” I answered vacantly before taking a long swig from my beer. In all honesty, I didn’t know what I was. “Just surprised to see her is all.”

  “We should go say hello,” Bailor suggested as shifted to stand.

  “Or maybe you shouldn’t,” Joe argued. “Maybe it’s best to leave the past in the past.” I glanced at him, confused. He liked Emalee. Joe wasn’t particularly fond of many people, but Emalee had been one of the elite few to be included in Joe’s group of somewhat tolerable human beings. It seemed weird he wouldn’t want me to say hello, or that he wouldn’t be happy to greet Emalee as well.

  “Great idea, Joe,” Bailor said sarcastically. “He should just be rude and not at least say hello to the love of his life.”

  I winced. I’d never admitted she was the love of my life, but I guess it had been obvious to my brothers.

  Joe leaned forward and set his bottle on the table with an agitated thud. “Do what you want, Cole, but maybe she doesn’t want to talk to you,” he protested.

  Bailor stood and slapped me on the back. “Let’s go,” he encouraged, ignoring Joe, which earned him a head shake of annoyance. “It’ll only be awkward until you get it over with.”

  Giving me a moment to process would’ve been nice, but where Joe preferred to pull back on the reigns, Bailor was always the one kicking a heel in the side and yelling giddy-up. I’d rather have led this initiative myself, but Bailor had never been one to wait, so I had no choice but to follow.

  “She just had to come back here,” Joe mumbled irritably, his tone making it clear he had no intention of joining us.

  Emalee seemed to slump at our approach, closing her eyes before she turned and leaned in to say something to her friend. Great. This won’t be awkward at all. I couldn’t blame her for not wanting to see me; not after the way things had ended between us. Apparently, ten years hadn’t been long enough.

  As we reached them, Emalee’s friend looked up, brows lifted as her eager eyes assessed me.

  “Emalee!” Bailor bellowed as he wrapped her in a big hug, pulling her off the stool. Emalee laughed and when he placed her back on her feet, she wrapped her arms around his waist.

  “Hey there, hot stuff,” she quipped. She backed away and looked up at him. “How are you?”

  “Isn’t it obvious?” He motioned his hands down his body. “I’m better looking than ever,” he joked, batting his lashes obnoxiously, making both women roll their eyes.

  “I can see in the years since I last saw you, your modesty has remained at an all-time high,” Emalee jested back.

  “Aww,” he feigned flattery. “How sweet of you to notice.” As the girls grinned, Bailor, ever the flirt, pivoted to Emalee’s friend and gave her a crooked smile. “But as to how I’m doing…well, I’m definitely better now that you two beautiful ladies have walked in.”

  Emalee’s uncertain gaze shifted to me as her mouth twisted, the laughter in her eyes fading. Turning her attention back to Bailor, she grabbed her friend’s arm. “Bailor, this is my best friend, Pepper. Pepper, this is Bailor, the most over-the-top person you will ever meet in your entire life.”

  “Why, Miss Emalee. I’m not sure if you meant that as an insult or compliment, but as I prefer to weigh on the side of optimism, I’m going with compliment,” he quipped, before he grandiosely bowed, waving his hand in circles before him like he was from the 1800s or something. I rolled my eyes. He said and did the most incredibly lame stuff, but chicks always dug it.

  “A compliment, of course,” Emalee assured him with a laugh.

  “Nice to meet you, Pepper.”

  Pepper shook his hand, seemingly amused by him. “Nice to meet you, too.” She was an attractive woman. Her black dress and red lipstick definitely made her stand out in our town’s rinky-dink bar. She had a city look to her, like she was some corporate executive.

  Bailor reached his arm out and pulled me in, giving me a stellar introduction, “And this guy with the head the size of a planet is my brother Cole.”

  Pepper’s assessing gaze told me she’d heard of me as she took a visual inventory while Emalee gave me a soft smile that managed to convey everything I was feeling. We had been so familiar to each other once; our hands had traced every inch of each other’s bodies. I’d known that kissing her softly just behind her ear drove her mad, and she’d known how to fire me up with just a look. But the years apart had made us strangers, and neither of us knew what to do. Neither of us were who we’d been, but weren’t we entirely different, either.

  Bailor leaned toward Pepper, mimicking the host of a nature show and said, “The male assesses his previous mate, while the female waits awkwardly for her former mate to indicate his wants.” As if the moment wasn’t awkward enough.

  In my mind, I mapped out possible retributions. Payback was imminent.

  “Emalee.” Her name rolled out of my mouth as if it had been sitting idle on the tip of my tongue, poised for launch.

  “The male greets the female,” Bailor continued to narrate as he shifted to stand beside Pepper.

  Emalee’s gaze bounced from me to the floor, then to Pepper before landing back on me. “Hi, Cole,” she said with a soft smile. “You’re looking good.”

  “The female has expressed interest in the male’s appearance,” Bailor added.

  I snapped my arm out, punching him in the shoulder. He winced, rubbing the spot while the girls chuckled. “The male marks his territory by challenging any other males who come near his former mate.”

  “He’s not going to stop,” Emalee said with a smirk.

  “No, he’s not,” I agreed.

  We fell quiet, though thankfully it didn’t last long enough to be awkward. After a beat Bailor said approvingly, “I like you as a blonde, Em.”

  She blushed as she touched a hand to her head. “Thanks, Bailor.”

  “So…it’s been a long time,” he noted. “What brings you in to town?”

  Emalee’s gaze dropped. “Um…it’s my mother. She’s dying.”

  The humor drained from Bailor’s face as we both strugg
led with how to respond. “I hadn’t heard she was in town,” he frowned.

  “Stage-four lymphoma. It spread to her brain. And she’s not actually here, yet. She’ll be here in a few days.” I studied her face as she spoke, recognizing myself in her expression. I remembered what it was like to be where she was, powerless to protect someone you love from dying. My instinct was to reach out and pull her to me; to hold her, but I didn’t. It wasn’t my place.

  “I’m so sorry, Em,” I finally managed.

  “Why don’t you guys come over for dinner tomorrow night?” Pepper blurted out. “Well, you should bring dinner over,” she amended. “We don’t actually cook. But we could sure use some cheering up.”

  “I’m sure they’re busy,” Emalee cut in before either of us could respond.

  “As a matter-of-fact, we are not,” Bailor retorted, having ignored her less-than-subtle hint that she didn’t want us to come over for dinner. “We’ll bring the meat, if you’ll provide a salad and dessert.” He’d already accepted the invitation and it could not be rescinded.

  “Deal. But no onions,” Pepper warned. “We hate onions.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  As Pepper and Bailor chatted about the details, I leaned toward Emalee and asked, “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

  She glanced just over my shoulder in the direction of our table and Joe before inhaling deeply and returning her gaze to me. “It’ll be good to catch up.”

  The tightness in her features said it was lie, but I didn’t push. The truth was I wanted to see her. I wanted to be there for her the way she had been for me all those years ago. I needed to help her any way I could. It didn’t matter that she was no longer mine; you don’t love someone the way I’d loved her—still loved her—and just stop giving a shit. “Okay,” I finally said.

  “How’s Joe?” She asked, glancing over my shoulder again.

  I shook my head, embarrassed that he couldn’t be bothered to say hello. “Sociable as ever. You wanna go say hello?”

  “No,” she replied a little too quickly. I studied her face for a moment trying to read her expression, but she hurriedly continued, “Tell him I’d love to catch up if he’s willing to come tomorrow.”

  “I’ll let him know,” I promised, but I already knew he wouldn’t join us.

  Pepper and Bailor were engrossed in conversation and, out of small talk, Emalee and I fell into another awkward silence. Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer and I dragged Bailor back to our table. Still, I couldn’t stop myself from watching them as they had a round of drinks while Emalee repeatedly checked her phone and chewed at her thumbnail. Eventually, they stood, tossing us a wave as they headed out, and I caught myself staring at the door long after it had closed behind them.

  As if seeing Cole hadn’t been enough to send me reeling down memory lane, Pepper interrogating me like an FBI agent certainly hadn’t helped. We’d stayed at the bar for two drinks before I demanded we leave. There was nothing worse than trying not to stare at the love of your life, who’d shattered your heart into a million pieces, in front of a bar full of curious onlookers.

  “You didn’t tell me he was such a fox.” She’d been going on about Bailor for ten minutes as she drove us back to my grandmother’s house. “You weren’t kidding about Cole, either; he is a looker.”

  Obviously, I was partial to Cole, but Bailor and Joe were no slouches, either.

  Joe.

  My chest tightened at the thought of the oldest Kepner brother. He wouldn’t even look at me earlier that night, but I didn’t blame him. I’d broken my promise to him. I just hoped he’d understand I’d had no choice.

  “So?” Pepper asked as she turned into our driveway.

  “So?” I replied, confused.

  “What’s his deal?”

  “Cole’s?”

  “No. Pfft. I already know everything about him, except his blood type and Social Security number. Bailor,” she clarified. “What’s his deal?”

  I smiled. Bailor Kepner was certainly one of a kind. “What you saw in the bar was pure Bailor Kepner. The good-looking jokester.”

  “So he’s probably a man-ho, huh?”

  “I’d guess he’s got his name on a lot of dance cards,” I murmured, climbing out of the car.

  “What does that mean?” Pepper and I had a lot in common, but she didn’t share my love for classic movies, and rarely understood my frequent references and quotes.

  “I haven’t seen him in years, Pep. I don’t know…I never saw him date anyone seriously back in the day, but there’d been a lot going on that summer.”

  She followed me inside and up the stairs to my bedroom, pestering me with every question she could think of.

  Plopping on the bed, I let out an over-the-top groan, silencing her.

  In a calm and almost robotic voice she said, “That eloquent and lady-like groan you just let out tells me something is wrong. Would you care to share your feelings, or would you rather just groan some more?” She tugged off her shoes, tossing them beside the dresser as she leaned against it.

  I chewed on my lip in thought. “Well there’s the obvious—my mother is dying. Also, I don’t know where my father is, and I’m running out of time before Miles breaks the story.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  I covered my face with my hands and groaned again. “I don’t know. With Mama being sick…if that story breaks it’ll crush her.”

  Pepper didn’t say anything as she removed her earrings and began inspecting her nails.

  “What?” I asked.

  “What-what?” she countered.

  I rolled my eyes. She had something on her mind but didn’t want to say what it was. “Out with it, Pep,” I insisted.

  She sighed, “Maybe Betty knows.”

  The thought had crossed my mind, but then why hadn’t she told me. Probably for the same reasons she hadn’t told me she had cancer—to protect me.

  “Em, the only one who looks bad is your father. He’s the asshole in this, not your mom, and not you.”

  Giving my face a scrub, I dropped my hands. “Let’s not talk about it right now.” The whole thing was going to be a humiliating shit-show; I was just biding time before the storm.

  Thankfully, Pepper acquiesced and moved on. “So how are you feeling about seeing Cole again?”

  There was no way I could’ve known the Kepner brothers would be at the bar when Pepper convinced me to go. I hadn’t doubted I might run into him at some point, but I hadn’t been prepared to see them so soon. Over a decade had passed since we’d said our goodbyes—since he’d told me we could never be together no matter what. I was supposed to leave and never come back. That was the promise I’d made.

  I still loved him or, more accurately, I still loved the man he’d been back then. I’d always love that Cole. That Cole would always have the best part of me, but I couldn’t ignore the fact I was intrigued by this Cole; the older, and possibly wiser Cole I’d seen at the bar tonight.

  “He looked good,” I noted.

  “Yes, he did,” she agreed.

  Age had refined Cole’s face and body, giving him a grittier appearance. The summer we’d spent together he’d still had some of the softness of adolescence despite clearly coming into his manhood. Now, time had roughened him around the edges.

  Inhaling deeply, I turned on my side and faced her. “I’m a mess. I hate that the first time I saw him after all this time I’m…” I wave my hand around my face “…like this.”

  “Yeah,” she twisted her mouth. “Your face is pretty terrible to look at.”

  She was being a total smartass, and I threw a pillow at her. She caught it with a laugh and tucked it to her chest as she crossed to the bed and lay down beside me. For a long while we just stared up at the ceiling together. I’d always imagined, if I ever saw Cole again, I would be fierce in my womanhood and career; I’d have conquered the world. In a way, it felt like I’d had to—it was the only way I could make
not being with him worth it. But I wasn’t content. Yeah, I was famous, and the world thought I was beautiful, but deep down, I felt like a shell. I didn’t look or feel like me anymore. Hell, I didn’t even sing the way I wanted to.

  “I hated my mother that summer for forcing me to spend it here.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m glad she did though. That summer changed my life in so many ways. I grew up more in those few months than I had in the seventeen years before.”

  “So you’d do it all over again if you could?”

  Melancholy tugged my mouth down. “There are a few things I’d do differently, but yeah, I would,” I admitted, a little surprised at how true the admission was. “My mother was going through so much with my father, and my theatrics didn’t help in the least. I don’t know how she didn’t strangle me.”

  Pepper laced her fingers with mine and squeezed my hand where it rested on the bed between us. “Don’t be so hard on yourself,” she consoled me. “Loving your kids even when they act like dickheads is just par for the course in parenting.”

  My body shook as I laughed. God, I loved my best friend. She always made the heavy feel a lot lighter just by making me laugh.

  Joe headed straight to the house after we got home from the bar. Bailor and I stared after him until he was up the ramp and completely inside, the screen door slamming behind him.

  I furrowed my brows. “What’s with him?”

  Bailor’s features went slack, as if the question was so heavy it exhausted him. It was the riddle of our lives—what’s eating Joe Kepner? “You got me,” he muttered. “I’m heading to bed.”

  “Okay, night,” I said as he walked toward the barn. A few years back, we’d turned the loft of the barn into an apartment, and he used the bottom part for his welding projects. He’d really mastered the skill, and welding had become a type of meditation for him. The loft wasn’t anything fancy and only had the bare minimum, but it gave Bailor his own space and separated him and Joe. The three of us living in the same house had gotten complicated. Even after all of these years, Joe and Bailor still had a strained relationship, and over time we’d all just accepted that was the way it would always be. Some things never change or…sometimes they stay the same.