He blinks, a single streak of liquid sliding down his cheek. His hand traces my face, gaze hypnotic with wonder. “I love you too, Sienna Porter.”
Chapter 0 – 10 = -10
Fighting. Funny how it’s so foreign to me. The battle is in Jace’s blood and paints his landscapes. You see it in his stance, the way his shoulders lock and his eyes hold a deeper awareness. Maybe it’s his training. Maybe it’s the challenges thrown at him from an early age, but there’s no doubt that behind his charming smile is a fearless warrior.
Now, though, he sits quietly in the driver’s seat, staring through the windshield as we wait in the parking lot after a meeting with his lawyer.
“You get it now?” he asks. “How do I prove they’re ‘unfit’ parents? I could spend an entire mint on evaluations and risk assessments and still end up with nothing but a restraining order slapped on me. Then what?”
His thumbs tap the steering wheel at a dizzying pace.
“Maybe we’re going about this the wrong way.”
He glances over at me. “How so? I can’t just kidnap him if that’s what you’re thinking. That’s no life for him either.”
“You really think that’s the plan I’d come up with? I’m not the bold one in this relationship, babe.”
He relaxes into his seat.
I lean back against the door. “I respect you for trying to do this the legal way, but maybe there’s something in between. You said Louis doesn’t have any interest in being a father, right?”
“Right.”
“And your mother doesn’t have much interest in being a mother. Also true?”
He nods.
“So in a sense, everyone wins with you in charge of Aiden. Who says you can’t have that role without the title?”
His face lights up. “Wait, so we don’t challenge legal custody? Just convince them their lives would be easier if Aiden lived with me?”
I smile. “Exactly. You don’t have to win a battle that doesn’t exist. We just have to create a situation where Aiden spends most, if not all of his time with us.”
His gaze shoots to me. “Us?”
“You can’t exactly set up house for the two of you in your truck, right?” He looks away, and I regret my joke. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it that way. But it’s true, Jace. If your goal is a stable supportive environment for Aiden, then you need to give him a stable supportive environment.”
I wait for the inevitable resistance. I’m surprised when he draws in a deep breath instead, those eyes reaching over to mine. “You’d do that? Let both of us live with you?”
My heart almost bursts. “Jace, I’d absolutely love that. And the best part is I have an entire floor available that’s been recently renovated.”
He laughs, and I watch tension lift from his body. My hand warms under the pressure of his when he squeezes. “Thank you. I don’t even know what to say. You’re incredible.”
Interesting how I’m relieved more than anything. “I mean, you’d have to help with the dishes and stuff, of course.”
Our plan breaks down into two complicated steps, and I resist the urge to formalize it in business proposal format. Jace already finds my detail-oriented plotting amusing.
One: Jace officially moves in with me. We wait until after the renovations are complete, approved, and paid so as to make the smallest ripple possible with Louis. Our plan hinges on gaining back his parents’ trust, and Louis seems vindictive enough to resist just out of sheer cantankerousness. Candice? Her unpredictably will be a different kind of challenge.
Two: We spend as much time as possible at the Williams’ house. Our visits run smoother now that the shock’s worn off and tempers have thawed. After all, Louis still relies on his indentured servant’s cooperation, and Jace gives freely in exchange for unhindered access to his brother. It’s a twisted arrangement they have, but for now it works, and the more I witness the dysfunctional dynamic of that family, the more I understand why Jace has no choice but to endure it.
Still, it’s hard to see him come home exhausted every night. I’m sure it’s no accident he gets put on the least desirable projects, or shit detail as he calls it with a laconic eye roll. And yes, the paychecks come again, but I almost choked on my apple when he accidentally left one on the counter. No wonder he felt so hopeless in his situation. I’m surprised he can afford the gas to the jobsites.
Bonus number—three: the number of weeks, we ease ourselves into a rhythm of work, Aiden, and settling into the groove of a serious relationship. It’s Heaven under the threat of Hell. It’s purpose and a common goal that brings us closer and gives us a glimpse of alternative horizons.
Today, Aiden and Jace are sparring in our backyard, while I sit on the deck with my laptop. The nunchucks are out when I look up, officially killing whatever remained of my concentration. I close my laptop and watch, fascinated, as they swing the weapons in choreographed unison. Right, left, up, down, together, kick, turn. Repeat. It looks like second nature to Jace who expertly moves them around with grace. Aiden’s attempts aren’t quite as poetic.
“Ouch!” he grunts after smacking himself in the face. I’m horrified when Jace laughs instead of calling 9-1-1.
“Are you okay?” I rush down the steps. They both look up, surprised at my interference.
“He’s fine,” Jace says.
“Let me see your face.” Aiden tilts his head up, casting a confused look at his brother. I don’t see any obvious damage. “I’ll get some ice,” I say anyway.
“Sienna, wait,” Jace says, grabbing my arm. His gaze is so sweet when he hands me one of Aiden’s nunchucks.
A blush climbs up my neck. “It’s foam?” I squeeze the handle, firm but padded. I guess it would hurt if it smacked you in the face, but probably wouldn’t leave a mark. Definitely doesn’t require emergency services.
Jace smiles. “Yeah. He’s only an orange belt.”
“What about yours?”
He hands me one, and I examine the hard wood. “This one’s real,” I say.
“Yep. That one would hurt.”
“Okay.” I like the feel of the weapon in my hand, though. “Can I try it?” I love the surprise on his face even more when I ask. Note to self: be more vocal about my interest.
“Of course. Use Aiden’s though.”
“For sure.” I hold up the handle and watch the chain dangle in front of me. “Now what?”
“First of all, don’t hold it like that. You look like you caught a dead fish.”
I laugh. “Okay fine. Show me.”
He demonstrates, adjusting my fingers on the handle so they’re close to the metal enclosure attached to the chain. For better control, he says.
Control is good with dangerous weapons that can break your nose.
He starts swinging it, counting with each movement, one through eight.
“Um…”
“Sorry. Here.” He slows the sequence down, and I do my best to copy him.
My best is not impressive.
By the end all three of us are laughing at my efforts, but damn it’s fun.
“It takes practice,” Jace says. “Right, kid?”
Aiden nods in agreement. “That was pretty good for your first try, Miss Sienna.”
“Thanks, Aiden.” He beams at his role in “teaching” me something, and I hand the weapon back to him. “I’ll leave this to the pros.”
“Jace, show her the demo team stuff!”
“Demo team?” I ask.
He sighs. “Yeah, I help train the demo team. She doesn’t want to see that,” he adds to Aiden.
“Uh, yeah I do.” I step back and cross my arms.
He still hesitates, and I wave him on. “Well, let’s see it, hot-shot. You scared? Think you can’t deliver?”
He pauses, gives me a devilish look, and says, “Fine.” Then he pulls off his shirt.
Damn. Pretty sure my sudden lack of oxygen isn’t from the two-minute workout with a foam nunchuck.
&n
bsp; What happens next is a scene I know I’ll draw on for the rest of my life. I don’t move, don’t breathe, the entire time he works through a routine that has my heart pounding, blood racing. Aiden looks on with pride, casting me knowing looks that scream that’s my big brother and he’s freaking awesome.
Can’t argue that and only wish I’d recorded every second of watching his body do what it’s been trained to do for years. The worst part is keeping my hands off him when he bows and pulls his shirt back over his head. For the record, the only reason I can see for removing his shirt was to torment me. He nailed it.
I applaud, and Aiden launches into some newly inspired copycat movements of his own. Jace and I exchange a glance that lodges deep in my stomach as he approaches. How long until Aiden heads home?
“Jace, you think Mom will let me stay over tonight?”
Jace smiles and ruffles his hair. “Not sure, little dude. I’ll send her a message.” When Candice agrees a minute later, Aiden shrieks loud enough to alert the block. They exchange high-fives and laughter, with Aiden reciting an animated list of all-the-things.
I watch the celebration with a mixed current of emotion. Awe that a young man could inspire so much love and respect in his younger brother. Pride that Jace is everything I thought he was. Hope for their troubled little family because Jace has been strong enough, determined enough, to fight for their future. Appreciation for his skill in mentoring children. Sadness that I will never experience that with him. Fear that I’m preventing him from raising his own amazing offspring one day. Anger at myself. Hatred. Selfish, Sienna, denying him one of the very things you love most about him.
By the time he looks over, tears have clouded my eyes. I turn away and rush back inside.
“Sienna!”
Stop it. Stop crying.
I will the tears to go away, but they have no mercy once they take control.
“People change. You can’t hold me to a promise I made when I was nineteen. You’re being selfish.”
“Sienna!” Jace stops when he finds me by the front window, staring out over the street. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
I shake my head, praying he’ll go away before he sees my face.
“Hey.” He wraps his arms around me from behind and draws me in. “Talk to me.”
I turn and settle against his chest, holding on, clinging to what I know I’ll lose.
“This isn’t right,” I whisper.
“What isn’t?”
I lean my head back, watching his face blur through my tears. “This. Us. What are we doing?”
His eyes widen. Shock. Anger. Both, really. “Okay, I need way more than that.” Panic? Oh shit. Of course he’d be scared about a statement like that with his current situation.
“Sorry, that’s not… I love having you and Aiden around. No matter what you can stay as long as you want to—”
“Sienna, stop!” He grips my arms and holds me still. “What the hell is going on?”
I sink my teeth into my lip, mind racing with endless arguments I don’t want to give. I love him. So much. Enough to give him up?
“You don’t belong with me, Jace. You know that. Everyone knows that! I’m thirty-eight. What happens in ten years? Twenty years?
“Where’s this coming from? I thought we dealt with this already.”
“I know you say you don’t care, but…” I suck in a breath. “I can’t have children. If you stay with me, you will never have children of your own. Have you absolutely thought about that? You’re one hundred percent sure?”
I’ve never seen eyes ignite with so much fire and compassion at the same time. “I’ve told you, hell I’ve told your mother, I’m fine with it.”
I shake my head and step back. I can’t think straight when he’s so close. “You say that now, but you’re twenty-four. What about ten years from now? What if I’m not fine with that?”
“You don’t trust me to keep promises?”
“It’s not about that! I don’t want you to have to make that promise. If I love you, I can’t ask you to do that.”
His jaw clenches, hurt and anger in his eyes. “No, if you love me, you respect my ability to make decisions for my own life. You respect what I say I want.”
More tears fall as the compounded pain settles over us. How many ways can I hurt him in one conversation? This is exactly why this needs to stop. “Joe said he was okay with it too when we got married. That’s one of the reasons I settled for him.”
He freezes. So many emotions pass over his face in the few seconds of stunned silence. “You think I’m like Joe? You’re comparing me to that asshole?”
“No! Of course not, but that’s exactly why I can’t subject you to a life sentence. What kind of woman would do that?”
“The kind who loves someone and understands she’s loved in return! I know what I want, Sienna. Why isn’t that good enough for you?”
“You’re twenty-four. What can you possibly know about what you want?”
Fuck!
He steps back as if struck.
“Wow,” he says finally. “Just… wow. Nice to know what you really think of me.”
He turns and stalks back through the house.
“Jace, wait!” I run after him, reaching him right before the door. I spin him around, force him to look at me. “I love you. I’d do anything for you, including give you up if necessary. Please think about this. Really think.”
His eyes narrow as he stares at me. Judges?
“I don’t want you to give me up and I don’t need to think,” he spits. “I want you to see me as a man. An equal. Someone who’s survived shitstorm after shitstorm and finally found hope and something worth believing in.” He pulls open the door.
“Where are you going?”
“To fucking think.”
The door slams after him.
In a lifetime filled with mistakes, I know I just made a huge one.
Jace doesn’t return my call. Or my texts. Or my second call. After three days, my heart is a shattered mess. I can’t bring myself to confide in Karen and suffer through the self-righteous “it’s for the best” speeches. She told me so. So did my mother. They all fucking told me so, except, they warned me about the wrong thing. Where was the voice of reason shouting against wrecking a beautiful thing because of my own insecurities? My own shortcomings and immaturity?
I pick up my phone again, staring at the unanswered messages, filling the darkest void in my heart with the face I don’t want to live without. I dial his number again.
“Jace, I’m so sorry. Please call me back. I messed up. You’re right. I miss you.”
My voice falters at the knock, my heart racing. I rush to the door and almost scream at the familiar silhouette. I pull it open and throw myself into his arms before he can resist.
“Thank God,” I breathe, clinging to his neck and dragging him inside.
He chuckles against my hair, and I hang on tighter.
“I’m so sorry.” Emotion breaks through my desperation as I hold on, suddenly aware of everything I almost lost and how hard I’d fight to never lose it again. I step back just enough to search his face, trace every feature I’ve missed. “You’re everything to me. I believe you. I trust you. I love you.”
He sighs, touches my cheek. “I know. I’m sorry for not returning your calls. I decided to think like you wanted.”
My blood runs cold. No, please no!
He pulls away and laces his hands on his head. “Yeah, I was pissed, but you said some things that were fair. Things I had to seriously consider.”
My efforts to swallow the lump in my throat only push it further into my chest. What have I done?
“I came here tonight to do this in person. I wanted you to see my face when I said it. So you’d know how sincere I am.”
The tears start gathering in my eyes. Burning.
Don’t say it. Please just go! Don’t make me hear it!
A ragged breath hiccoughs down my throat as I wai
t. He steps toward me, lifts my chin, searches my eyes.
“I had a lot of time to think over the last few days and here are the things I know. I know I’m twenty-four. I know you’re thirty-eight. I know you can’t have biological children. I know we’d face a lot of obstacles and judgment, probably for the rest of our lives.” He takes a deep breath and moves closer.
“I also know that these last couple of months have been the best of my life. I know no one looks at me the way you do. I know no one loves me enough to sacrifice the one thing they want for me. I know that no one is going to stand beside me and fight for me, for Aiden, and everything I want from life the way you will. Like you’ve proven again and again, even when I gave you plenty of reasons not to.” His eyes soften into a smile that releases the tension from my body. “I know that I want you. I want to figure this out and watch you grow and live all the amazing years you have ahead of you, because I know you’ll do the same for me. I trust you. I love you. I believe in you. And quite frankly, that’s all I need to know.”
I rush against him, bury my face in his shirt. Hold on with everything I almost lost and can’t believe I got back. What do I know? Nothing. Nothing except three days ago was the last time I’d let Jace Beckett walk away from me without a fight.
Chapter 0 – 11 = -11
As we cruise the highway, windows down with Aiden chattering away in the back, I’m euphoric. It seems like a lifetime ago when I was taking this same journey to help a stranger I had a crush on, wishing he was sitting next to me. Now here we are, a temporary little family enjoying the sun and freedom to have an afternoon of happiness. Aiden barely spoke on our earlier excursion to the beach, but add one idolized older brother to the mix and the dynamic completely changes. Instead of electronic silence, Jace and I are regaled with every memory Aiden can muster of previous beach trips along with a list of everything we’ll be accomplishing today.
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