We suffer, the yogis tell us, because we forget who we are. We think we are the boxes we are wrapped in and forget that we are really the Divine “hiding” inside. Svadhyaya, or self-study, is about knowing our true identity as Divine and understanding the boxes we are wrapped in. We can find clues about our boxes by watching our projections, by the process of tracing our reactions back to a belief, and by courageously looking at life as it is. This process of knowing ourselves, and the boxes that adorn us, creates a pathway to freedom. The ability to shift our identification from our ego self (our “boxes”), to the witness, and finally to our true identity as Divinity itself, is the joy of this jewel of self-study.
Projections
Do this experiment now: without thinking, quickly write down the first five things that come to your mind that describe the world as you see it. Now look at what you have written. Every comment that you have used to describe the world will tell you more about yourself than about the world. You have just written clues into how you structure your beliefs, yourself, and your life. Every comment you make about the world, about another person, about an event, about life, is a projection of yourself and a clue to your interior landscape. The world is your autobiography.
Let’s return to the old Kung Fu re-runs. When Caine, fondly called Grasshopper by his master, is a small boy in the monastery, his master finds him watching fish in a small pond. The master asks Grasshopper, “How many fish are there?” Grasshopper replies, “Twelve, Master.” “Good,” replies the master, “and how many ponds are there?” Somewhat confused by such a seemingly obvious question, Grasshopper responds, “One, Master.” “No,” replies Master, “there are twelve ponds; twelve fish, twelve ponds.” In the previous exercise, we could have asked a room full of five hundred people to do the experiment and all the answers describing the world would be different because each person would have described pieces of their unique self. Five hundred people, five hundred worlds.
The world and others simply reflect back to us what we are seeing, not what is there. It is as if wherever we look, there are only mirrors that show us pictures of ourselves. We cannot love or hate something about another person or the world unless it is already inside of us first. The world gives you what you see. You can experiment with this truth by changing your story about what you see. You will notice, the world changes to fit the story you are telling.
The Buddhists say that the universe dies when you do because you have created your own little world of reality. As you begin to steadfastly pay attention to what you are saying to yourself about the moment, the other person, yourself, and life, you will get clues about the “boxes” you have wrapped yourself in that create your own little universe. All of these utterances are projections of the parts of yourself you love, don’t love, can’t see, or can’t yet accept.
Tracing it Back
Usually we don’t notice our beliefs or conditioning unless there is some kind of disharmony present. In these times, we have the opportunity to trace whatever we are saying about the moment back to a belief which we are either consciously or unconsciously holding. Tracing any disharmony back to ourselves will help us unpack a box we have ourselves wrapped in.
For instance, I come from a family of origin where we, as siblings, were not allowed to fight. Our family was about love, and loving meant we never fought. I carried that belief system, unconsciously, into my adult years. For me, when I saw anyone fighting, I judged it as wrong and interpreted it as meaning there was no love. By watching my judgment about fighting, I could eventually trace it back to this childhood belief, and begin to understand that some people show love for each other by fighting, and fighting wasn’t necessarily “wrong.” I was able to understand that people have different ways of showing love and affection. I was able to learn a new aspect about love, rather than staying firmly packed in the belief that love meant no fighting.
On a more recent occasion, I was at a retreat center where shoes were left at the door. On a break, I went to put my shoes on and they had disappeared. Shortly after, I saw another woman wearing them. I was not happy. I knew that I didn’t really care if she wore my shoes, so I began to trace back what was disturbing me. I realized that I was mad because she hadn’t politely asked to wear my shoes. In my childhood it was mandatory to say “please” and “thank you” before you took something; and if you forgot, you were punished. It was interesting to me that I wasn’t bothered that she wore my shoes, but I was upset that she hadn’t done what was “right” according to my belief system. In this incident, I was able to see the power of my unexamined beliefs.
Our conditioning and formation of beliefs begins very early in childhood. Recently I watched as a group of young children emerged out of school for recess. I heard one child yell, “Freedom at last!” I chuckled but couldn’t help wondering how this child’s belief would further develop and influence the rest of his life. We learn early to accept our family’s way of doing things and to pattern ourselves after cultural norms. These early conditionings continue to form and move deep inside us creating pieces of our identity. Add to that our reactions to our own life experiences and we become neatly wrapped in layers of packaging.
When faced with any disharmony, our tendency is to blame what is outside of us and then justify what we are thinking or feeling. If we are courageous enough to trace the disharmony back to ourselves, we can begin to unpack our boxes and open up vast amounts of freedom that brings us closer to our true essence. “Tracing it back” begins to unpack belief systems of “shoulds,” “musts,” and “wrong and right.”
Anthony de Mello calls these belief systems “models of reality.” He states, “We are happy when people/things conform and unhappy when they don’t. People and events don’t disappoint us, our models of reality do. It is my model of reality that determines my happiness or disappointments.” It is as if we wrap ourselves in the boxes of our belief systems and conditioning and then, when something doesn’t conform to our system, we fight with all our energy to justify our system, rather than to “unpack” the box. De Mello’s message is that when we fight to keep our belief system, it is as pointless as if my Dad had wanted to keep his Christmas present wrapped and never open it to see the gift waiting inside.
Like a gift waiting to be opened, every event that life presents to us is a precious opportunity to learn the truth about the boxes we have ourselves packaged in. And it is especially the people “we can’t stand” and the interruptions that “drive us crazy” that hold the greatest potential for us. Anthony de Mello put it like this, “Every time I am disturbed, there is something wrong with me. I am not prepared for what has come; I am out of tune with things; I am resisting something. If I can find out what that something is, it will open the way to spiritual advances.”
We can’t be Afraid to Look
We need our eyes and hearts wide open to look at every ripple of disharmony that we experience. Another school massacre has just occurred as I write this, and it is the bloodiest yet. The world is full of pain and suffering and deeds of horror. As I look back on my life, it is the pictures of starving children in Africa, the carnage of soldiers in the Vietnam War, the loss of hope on a Nicaraguan mother’s face, which have shaped my heart and moved me to compassionate action. If we hide the pictures and the reality from ourselves, how can our hearts grow? If we close our eyes, our very lives rest on a false foundation. We can’t be afraid to look.
In my travel of third world countries, I have noticed how little is hidden. The old, the sick, the dying, the hungry, are not shut away like they are in this country. The guideline of Svadhyaya invites us to do the same with ourselves; not to shut the unpleasant parts of ourselves away, but to carry them with kindness and compassion, knowing that God lives there too.
I remember when Gandhi was interviewed by a reporter who asked him if he ever got incensed and outraged at his oppressors. Gandhi solemnly replied that no, he didn’t, because he
knew what existed in the interior landscape of his own being. He was not afraid to look at the fullness of emotions inside himself, and because of that fearless act of witnessing his inner being he was able to maintain courage rooted in kindness and compassion. Gandhi knew that denial cuts us off from the full reality of ourselves.
There is a Cherokee story in which the grandfather is explaining to his grandson that two animals live inside his heart, a wolf and a lamb. When the grandson asks what he is to do, the grandfather replies, “Feed the lamb.” This story beautifully illustrates the reality of what sits inside us. We need to respect the wolf in us; if we don’t, we may become self-righteous and vulnerable to being eaten by the wolf. Whatever we pretend isn’t there will unconsciously use us. But we can choose to feed the lamb and grow ourselves into someone more compassionate and kind to both ourselves and to others. We must be willing to look at the selfishness and greed and anger that lies in us, but feed the greatness.
The Role of the Ego
The ego is a function of the mind that organizes itself into “I.” The ego is not a bad thing; without the ego, we wouldn’t exist. The ego takes an event that the senses bring into awareness and makes it personal. For instance, the senses may bring in the information that a dog is barking. The ego makes it personal by saying, “I hear a dog barking.” Then, this message further gets entangled with the value judgment we place on the event. We will have an opinion about the dog barking based on our experience. I might be annoyed at the noise or tremble in fear because of a past experience where I was attacked. Or I might rush to pet the dog, remembering a childhood pet that I adored. We can see from this example how the ego takes ownership of a neutral experience by making it “mine” and then colors it from the box of past experience.
The above process is how the mind is designed to function so that we can have the experience of separateness; it is the ego that allows the experience of a walk in the park, the taste of fine chocolate, or a telephone conversation with a friend. Where things get messy is when the ego forgets that its function is to organize the self and begins to believe itself to be the boss. When this happens, we get stuck in the “I” of being separate, and we make our belief system the model of reality. Our belief system is not wrong or right, but it is constraining; when we identify with these constraints, we run on old habits and we consent to being less than we are.
As we unpack the boxes of our belief system, strong and often painful emotions can be released in the process. These feelings are often related to memories that we have unconsciously used to structure our reality. Similar to returning from a trip, where we have to take each item out of our suitcase and look at it as we unpack, we have to look at each box and the hidden emotions of experience that led to each layer of protective wrapping around ourselves. My experience is that the release can be quite unpleasant and I sometimes feel like I am swimming in muck. But I know that what might appear discouraging in the moment is often a cleansing release in disguise, an unpacking so to speak.
The path of growth is not a straight line; it does not look anything like what we think it should look like. In fact, often our belief system of what growth looks like, is the very thing that stops our growth. What we think we know stops our inquiry. The Buddhists remind us to have a beginner’s mind; to know that we don’t know. It is this stance of humility that opens the door to learning and revelation.
The ability to bring the witness into play in our lives is the ability to step outside of ego limitation and find out there is something more. It is to find that you are a soul, and then to polish the ego so that the ego becomes a function of the soul rather than a function of itself. Swami Veda writes, “It is by surrendering the limitations of its own banks that a river becomes the mighty ocean; do not be afraid to throw away the trinkets of your ego to gain the diamond of grace.” This process begins with growing our ability to witness.
The Power of the Witness
I remember when our grandson Tyson was a toddler. Whenever he was asked by his parents to do something he didn’t want to do, he would immediately switch to the third person, shifting his identity away from himself. He was always an “I” unless asked to do something against his wishes, in which case he became a “he.” If his dad told him it was time to go to bed, Tyson would reply, “He don’t want to.” And then Tyson would continue to play, totally confident that as long as he didn’t personally identify with it, he didn’t have to comply with his dad’s directive.
Watching Tyson switch back and forth between “I” and “he” was amazing to me as well as quite humorous. And yet, Tyson understood at this very young age, the power of distancing himself from himself. This power of the witness, to distance ourselves from ourselves, is how we begin to see how we have made up our realities. And paradoxically, it is how our belief system begins to lose its power over us.
Culturally, we are shaped to constantly engage in fixing and analyzing ourselves (and others). As I watch myself and listen to others talk, I find this to be fundamentally true. I am always hearing things like: “If I just fix this, then I’ll be OK” or “I know this isn’t a very good thing about me, but I’m working on it.” It seems we all have an obsession to fix ourselves and our attention is wrapped up in our shortcomings.
In western culture, we tend to analyze, fix, and control just about everything. If we don’t like something about ourselves or our lives, we keep trying to figure out what is wrong and then fix it, all the while maintaining control to keep things as smooth as possible (translation: keep things the way we like them). Eastern thought has a different idea about this: East parts ways with the West at the point of needing to understand and fix. It is here that Eastern thought introduces the idea of “the witness.”
The witness is our ability to watch ourselves act and respond. It is our ability to watch our thoughts and our emotional disturbances. This ability is what gives us clues into our matrix of belief systems. It is how we know ourselves and the stories that run us. The witness is our ability to watch the ego rather than identify with it. The profoundness of this watching is that we begin to know ourselves as something different than who we thought we were. It is this ability to watch that begins to bring healing to our lives.
Yoga’s Upanishads talk about two birds in a tree. One is busy flitting around from tree to tree; the other sits on the limb watching. As long as we identify ourselves with the bird flitting around, we will be stuck in our belief system. The more we identify with the bird who simply watches, the more we will begin to understand our belief system. And it is the understanding of how we have created our reality that marks progress in our growth. Seeing our conditioning is the victory. Knowing that we aren’t who we thought we were begins to open up the possibility of knowing our true Self.
Yogiraj Achala tells the story about taking his young son to the Mississippi River. The son, looking into the river, asked his dad if the river was polluted. Yogiraj responded that no, the river is only carrying the pollution, the river itself is pure. Our minds are like the river carrying things in it. If we identify with what the mind is carrying–thoughts, stories, beliefs–then we will think we are those things. However, if we identify with the Divine within us (the pure river) and merely watch the thoughts float by, we will know we are simply carrying the thoughts, stories and beliefs; they are not who we are.
In another writing of Yoga’s Upanishads, humans are referred to as “God in a pot.” Understanding this simple statement is the goal of self-study. As long as we identify with the “pot” (our bodies and our minds), we suffer in our limitations. When we shift our identity from the “pot” to the Godself within, we rest in our true Self. This Godself within is called the Atman in Yoga, Buddha nature in Buddhism, and Christ consciousness in Christianity.
Meditation is an important aspect of self-study; it is a place where we grow the witness, recognize our belief systems, and begin to shift our identity from the “pot” to the Go
dself within. Reading sacred scripture and inspirational biographies are other practices that bring us closer to our true identity. Engaging curiosity and a beginner’s mind, knowing that we don’t know, helps us step outside our neatly wrapped boxes. As we shift our attention to the Godself within, the boxes of belief systems begin to fall away, and we become free.
Questions for Exploration
Living with these questions, taking time for reflection, and journaling will give you new insights into your life and the practice of self-study. For this month, frame your exploration in the following statement by Huston Smith:
We all carry it within us;
supreme strength,
the fullness of wisdom,
unquenchable joy.
It is never thwarted
and cannot be destroyed.
But it is hidden deep,
which is what makes life
a problem.
Week One: Ninety-nine percent of what bothers you is about you. Ninety-nine percent of what bothers others has nothing to do with you. This week notice how you turn the above statement around, blaming others for your own problems and taking responsibility for others’ problems. Practice taking responsibility for yourself and letting others be responsible for themselves.
The Yamas & Niyamas Page 11