But this was what I’d wanted. Wasn’t it?
Ryan had been the love of my life. I should be over the moon. He just told me he missed me and that he chose me over Little-Miss-Perfect Lindsay. I should be doing cartwheels down the street.
So why did I feel like I’d just unwrapped my Christmas present only to find socks?
I loved him, I told myself. I loved Ryan.
But the words didn’t ring true, not even when I said them to myself.
Maybe I’d grown up in the months since he’d left, or maybe my heartbreak finally healed. It felt like a sudden change but maybe it had been happening all along like new skin growing over a deep cut.
Or maybe Adam had been right when he’d said that what I’d felt for Ryan was infatuation. Maybe what I’d thought was heartbreak was only an aberration. Maybe I was only now able to see the truth.
I honestly didn’t know.
I let Adam lead me by the hand all the way home. I caught him glancing my way once or twice with a curious look. Clearly my silence hadn’t gone unnoticed. But either he knew that I wasn’t ready to confide in anyone or he just didn’t have a chance to pry because he didn’t question me on it during our walk.
I was looking forward to getting home—what I needed was peace and quiet and space to breathe.
What I got was a house full of people.
Chapter Seventeen
Less than an hour after we left everyone at the club our house was filled with people. Ryan came with his bandmates and shortly after that Lindsay and her crew showed up, and next thing you know, it felt like the entire senior class was in our house.
It seems the bar they had been planning on going to was very strict about carding and once they’d confiscated a few fake ID’s, everyone had gotten the message and left with their precious fakes safely tucked inside their wallets.
“How did our house become party central?” Victoria asked.
She and Mark had just come back from the corner store with enough food and drinks to satisfy our unexpected guests.
I pointed to Adam who was in the center of a circle of girls, apparently saying something hysterical.
“Blame him,” I said.
Adam heard me and spun around. “Blame me for what?”
Before I had a chance to respond he leaned over and grabbed me by the hand, pulling me up against him and the circle of girls began to dissipate.
“Blame me for what?” he asked again, this time softer because his face was very close to my own. His arms wrapped around my waist, holding me tight.
“Uh…” I couldn’t remember what we were talking about, my mind seemed to have gone haywire for a moment.
I moved my head away in an attempt to clear my head and spotted Ryan standing nearby, watching us.
Now I knew what Adam was up to. He gave me a little wink and leaned over to kiss me but at the last second I pulled away. I was suddenly, stupidly nervous.
It felt wrong to be kissing Adam in front of Ryan. I knew Adam would be furious if he found out that Ryan had nearly kissed me behind his back—and that I had almost allowed it to happen.
I felt like I’d nearly cheated on Adam, which didn’t make sense because we were not really a couple. You can’t cheat on a friend who’s pretending to be your boyfriend.
But still, I felt guilty.
It was starting to feel like my fake relationship was real and my real relationship was not as real as I’d thought. My world had flipped upside down and I desperately wanted to some time alone to sort it out.
How had everything gotten so messed up?
“What’s wrong?” Adam asked.
“N-nothing,” I stammered. “It’s just…he’s not watching anymore.”
“Oh.” Adam’s arms dropped from my waist so quickly I nearly lost my balance. “Come on let’s go mingle with our guests.”
Adam mingled and I sort of followed him around like a groupie for the next hour. It seemed like everywhere we turned, Ryan was watching us.
And for some stupid reason, I had this horrible guilty feeling gnawing at me the entire time—like I was cheating on someone. But I didn’t know who. On one hand, I felt guilty being with Adam in front of Ryan—after all, I’d admitted that I missed him. I’d all but told Ryan that I wanted him back.
But then, at the same time, I felt even more guilty toward Adam. Here he was being his usual amazing self, going to all this trouble just to help me—and I’d nearly kissed Ryan behind his back.
Granted, Adam and I weren’t really together but still—I felt like a jerk.
And I felt more confused than I’ve ever felt in my entire life.
The hours ticked by and the party showed no sign of breaking up. I would have given anything for a few moments of silence to sort out the crazy mess in my head.
Adam and I were holding hands in the hallway, talking to some of Mark’s friends from school when I caught sight of Ryan and Lindsay in the kitchen. She was by his side but he was talking to one of his bandmates, completely ignoring her.
Lindsay did not look pleased. Lindsay was definitely not keen on being ignored.
I watched her pout and try to insinuate herself into the conversation to no avail. But rather than take petty pleasure in her predicament—I felt for her. Because I knew exactly how she felt.
“Don’t even bother pouting,” I wanted to tell her. “It won’t make a difference. Ryan will come around when he wants to come around.”
He was fickle. Always had been, probably always would be.
If I was being totally honest with myself I could admit that his fickleness, the never knowing where you stood with him—it was all part of his allure. Because when he did give you his attention, when he deigned to favor you with his time, you felt like the most amazing person on the planet.
When I thought of it like that, it suddenly made a whole lot of sense that he and Lindsay should hook up—they could be fickle, charismatic soul mates.
For the first time since he almost kissed me at the club, I wondered about him and Lindsay.
I know I should have thought about her part in all this earlier but I was way too absorbed by my own feelings to give much thought to hers. But now, standing there in the hallway, distantly listening to Adam chat to friends with his hand in mine, I had to wonder what she was thinking.
Had he told her that it was over? It didn’t look that way from where I was standing.
Had he led her on? I wanted to tell myself that she probably threw herself at him like she threw herself at Adam but deep down I knew that wasn’t true. Lindsay had far too much pride to do anything like that.
Even I could admit that the way she was around Adam was the exception to the rule for her. She had real, serious feelings for Adam. And while she may like Ryan, she barely knew him. They couldn’t have been dating for more than a couple of weeks.
Eventually the two of them moved out of my sightline and I was glad. I didn’t want to think about either of them anymore.
The party seemed neverending and after a while even Adam seemed to tire of the crowd.
“Come on,” he said and grabbed me by the hand. “Let’s get some fresh air.”
The back porch was practically empty when we got out there and Adam and I sprawled out on the comfy couch gratefully.
Not one minute later, Ryan and Lindsay joined the small group that was on the opposite side of the porch.
Adam saw them too.
“Come here,” he said, softly tugging my shoulders so I was leaning against his chest. We both leaned back and looked at the stars.
Adam leaned forward and whispered in my ear. “We have an audience.”
I giggled and turned my head up to say something in return but I was cut off by a kiss. I stopped breathing as his lips brushed softly against mine. But then something shifted. Rather than break it off like we had every other time—he deepened the kiss. His tongue brushed against mine and the kiss went from sweet to…intimate.
Time stood still
.
I’d never felt such an electric charge before and I found myself clinging to his shoulders as the kiss intensified, taking on an urgency that was out of of my control. I couldn’t have stopped my reaction to him if I’d wanted to.
His arms wrapped around me, pressing me up against him as I met him, kiss for desperate kiss. Where I was and who was watching never crossed my mind, I was too lost in a haze of raw and undeniable chemistry. The heat and feelings that coursed through me were the kind of thing I’d only read about but never expected to actually feel.
The kiss deepened gradually, naturally, until we were practically making out on the back porch. By the time we came up for air, the group of people on the porch had left. We were all alone.
Chapter Eighteen
For one weightless moment we sat there looking at each other in stunned silence. I don’t know what Adam saw in my face but he looked concerned, apologetic even.
“Eve, I didn’t mean...”
I didn’t wait around to hear what he was going to say. I didn’t know what I was afraid of hearing I just knew I did not want to have that talk. My head was still spinning.
One kiss had opened a door I never even knew existed. It gave me a glimpse into feelings I’d never explored and wasn’t prepared to face.
So I did what I do best. I ran.
“I... um... I have to go,” I stammered.
I heard him call out after me but I didn’t turn around or even acknowledge that I’d heard him. I needed a moment to myself to recover from the kiss.
The Kiss.
Don’t get me wrong. It was amazing. It was spectacular. It was the kind of kiss girls dream about. But it was also with my best friend—the guy who held my hair when I was sick, who understood my irrational fear of unicorns, and who knew my deepest darkest secrets.
I couldn’t lose that. And what had just happened between us on the porch—well, I was seriously scared that it would change things, that somehow someone would get hurt and I would lose the most important part of my life.
I was being crazy, I told myself. I was making too much of a simple kiss.
Simple kiss, a voice in my head mocked. There was absolutely nothing simple about that kiss.
It wasn’t long before the fresh air and solitude worked their magic and reality began to take hold. I knew I should head back and apologize to Adam for running away like that. He would be worried.
I felt utterly ridiculous. Why had I let myself get so flustered by a kiss? It had most likely meant nothing to him. He was just acting and we both got carried away. He would have laughed it off but I had to go and overreact.
How embarrassing.
I was getting ready to head back inside when I heard a familiar voice.
“Eve? Hey Eve!”
Oh no.
Ryan was heading my way. Was it too late to flee? Seeing that he and I were the only two people on the beach, it might have been a little hard to escape undetected.
He plopped down on the sand beside me, so close our thighs were touching. I inched away as subtly as I could.
“Hey Ryan.”
He smiled that killer smile. “I’m really glad I ran into you out here.”
“You are?”
“Yeah,” he said. “You and I haven’t had a chance to really... you know, talk, since I’ve been back.”
I shrugged and made a noncommittal noise. What was I supposed to say?
“We keep getting interrupted,” he said.
He was talking about the almost-kiss at the club, which I couldn’t bear to think about at that moment. The Kiss, as I was starting to think of it, had somehow made whatever chemistry it was I’d had with Ryan pale in comparison.
I was very aware of the fact that I was sitting alone on a moonlit beach with Ryan. It was impossible to ignore the romantic setting or the familiar way he was looking at me.
But for the first time since his sudden reappearance, Ryan’s presence wasn’t having the insane brain-melting influence on me. Maybe it was because my emotions and senses were already on overload but I was actually feeling pretty sane.
If anything I just felt exhausted. My head and my heart couldn’t handle any more upheaval tonight.
“Here, you look cold,” Ryan pulled off his hoodie and handed it to me.
The wind had picked up and I was shivering slightly. I pulled it on gratefully and was instantly enveloped in his warm scent. It brought back bittersweet emotions.
Frankly it was a little underwhelming.
All those months of building up to this reunion and it was all so anticlimactic. It occurred to me that maybe my feelings for Ryan had been waning for quite a while but I’d been clinging to his memory, giving Ryan a power over me he’d never deserved.
That thought made me a little sad.
“I’m glad I have a chance to talk to you alone,” he said. “I was hoping we’d have a chance to catch up.”
Oh goodie.
Like my head wasn’t wrecked already by The Kiss. Now I got to play catch-up with the guy who loved me and left me. Lucky me.
“So what’s up with you and Adam?” Ryan said with a bit of a laugh. The laugh rubbed me the wrong way. “I gotta admit, when I first saw the two of you together...” He shook his head and laughed. “Well let’s just say I didn’t see that coming.”
“Apparently you’re the only one,” I muttered.
Why was he harping on me and Adam? I wondered. Was he jealous? Or did he just want what he couldn’t have?
Oh, I was such and idiot. How did I not see it before? He didn’t want me back, he just didn’t want to see me with anyone else.
The thought was not nearly as painful as I would have expected.
“I always thought you felt like Adam was your brother,” he said. “I guess I just never thought you two would cross that line.”
He made a little face that made it clear the idea of me and Adam as a couple was repulsive to him.
I crossed my arms defensively. “Yeah, well you and Lindsay aren’t exactly an obvious match either.”
I instantly regretted opening my mouth when he laughed and got that smug look on his face.
“Are you jealous?” he teased.
I refused to play this game. I knew that the more I protested the more jealous I would look. I just shook my head and looked away.
“You know me and Lindsay aren’t serious, right?” he asked, his lips disturbingly close to my ear.
“You’re not?” I asked.
He gave me a patient look. “Of course not, sweetheart. You know you’re my girl. Always have been, always will be.”
He’d said that to me before when I was head over heels. I couldn’t count how many times I’d imagined hearing those words come out of his mouth again. And now it was happening and my stupid brain was not allowing me to enjoy it. “What about Lindsay?” I asked.
Ryan’s sigh spoke volumes. It said ‘you are such a naive little girl.’
“We’re just having fun,” he said. “She’s a sweet kid but it doesn’t mean anything.”
“Does she know that?” I asked.
He just rolled his eyes in exaggerated patience like I was an annoying child asking silly questions.
Despite every mean remark, every catty jab, at that moment my heart went out to Lindsay. I knew she didn’t know that for him it was nothing. She probably thought they had a future. She probably thought he was in love.
Just like I had.
My heart ached.
I could vividly remember the way he’d made me feel when we were together. Lost. Out of control. Needy. Ryan had been like an addiction.
I just don’t think love should be so hard.
I heard Adam’s voice from the morning after our fight on the boardwalk and I knew that he was right. He had been right all along.
What I’d felt for Ryan hadn’t been love, or at least not real love.
Love was unconditional. Love was laughter and joy and support and messy crying. Love was know
ing everything there is to know about someone and still accepting them, flaws and all.
“So what about you and Adam?” Ryan asked, interrupting my train of thought. “Are you two serious?”
“Yes,” I said without thinking. But then I shook my head. “Or no. I don’t really know.”
And that was the truth, I realized.
The memory of the heated kiss we’d shared on the patio flashed before me and I gasped aloud.
Was that kiss serious or had it all been part of the game? I was horrified to realize I didn’t know anymore.
The line that separated friendship from relationship between Adam and I was growing fainter by the day.
“What is it?” Ryan asked. “What’s going on? Whatever it is, you know you can talk to me. Are you two having problems?”
I opened my mouth to deny that anything was wrong but nothing came out. For one terrifying minute I didn’t know whether or not I was going to burst into tears. I blinked down at the sand between my feet, trying to gain control.
Ryan reached over and gently stroked my back. I was vaguely aware of Ryan beside me but mainly my head was reeling.
Admitting to myself that there was even the slightest possibility that the kiss meant more. That maybe we had crossed the line between fantasy and reality...
Ryan apparently took my silence as a signal. He leaned over and pressed his lips against mine.
After one shocked moment, I pulled back.
“What….what are you doing?” I sputtered.
“I thought it was pretty obvious,” he laughed. He tried to pull me in again but I resisted.
“No, Ryan….we can’t.”
“Why not? You’re clearly not happy with Adam and I don’t have a girlfriend….” He saw the stubborn look on my face and sighed heavily.
He framed my face in his hands. “I’ve missed you, kitten, and I know you’ve missed me too.”
I stared into his eyes, inches from my own. This was Ryan, former love of my life…and the guy responsible for breaking my heart.
“If you missed me,” I said, “then why didn’t you call? Why didn’t you stay in touch? Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?”
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