by Lara Swann
I had the feeling she’d prefer it if I acted like I didn’t know it had happened - that would be what I’d want, anyway.
Fuck. You really have no clue what you’re doing with someone else here.
Then she whimpered and that decided it for me. There was no way was I going to lie here and listen to her suffer like that.
I reached out awkwardly, not quite sure what to do as I touched her shoulder and tried calling out to her.
“Alessa!” I kept my voice low and insistent, shaking her a little when she didn’t respond.
A moment later, her eyes flew open as she struggled for breath, jerking away from me and crying out again.
“Hey, hey, it’s alright, princess. You’re okay now.” My awkwardness increased as I attempted to reassure her. I’d never had to try comforting a woman before.
She glanced over at me, but her eyes were still clouded by whatever had consumed her, and before I could say anything more she burst out in large, wracking sobs, drawing her knees up to her chest and curling protectively around them. My heart twisted to see it and I pushed my hesitations aside, unable to see her so devastated.
I shifted forward, wrapping my arms around her vulnerable form and trying to hide my alarm as I felt her shaking under me.
Was this normal? Fuck.
“Hey, it’s okay, Alessa. I’ve got you. It was just a dream.” Some of the explosive sobs subsided a little, but she was still shaking in my arms, and I caught the deep fear in her dark, beautiful eyes as she looked up at me. “What’s wrong, Alessa? Hey, what happened?”
I was just muttering anything I could think of to help - to reassure her that she was awake now and she’d be safe here, but those wide eyes met mine as she answered, with a fresh wave of sobs. “T-that stupid book! Why-yyy w-would you have s-something so hor-rrible!”
I stared at her as she exclaimed. I had no idea what she was talking about. But before I could ask, the sound of her own voice seemed to shake her out of whatever she’d been lost in and she suddenly focused in on me, her quick anger overtaking the fear.
She shoved at me with a muttered growl, and I knew I should let her go, but she was still shuddering in my arms and I couldn’t quite bring myself to uncurl my body from where it was wrapped protectively around her. Even angry as she was, she still seemed so vulnerable and fragile.
“What are you talking about, Alessa? What book?” I tried to distract her, draw her further out of whatever nightmare had gripped her while I started rubbing slow circles on her back.
“The one I was reading all day! W-with the k-kidnapper, and t-the murderer and…and…” She glared at me, thumping me again on the chest, but I ignored it as my stomach sank. This didn’t sound good. “What kind of f-fucked up asshole keeps something like that around for h-his hostage to read?!”
I couldn’t remember exactly which books I kept here, but considering my penchant for the darker, grittier types, I could imagine what she’d picked up. “I didn’t mean for—”
“I only read it ‘cos I was bored out of my mind - should’ve known better - I hate that sort of thing. A-always does this.” Her voice was muttered, and it felt like she was talking to herself more than me. “Only finished the damn book so that I could get to a happy ending - b-but the ending was terrible. W-why would anyone want a book without a happy ending?” Her stormy eyes glanced up to glare accusingly at me with the last comment. She pushed at me again and this time I loosened my hold, shaking my head.
“Maybe because life doesn’t often have a happy ending, princess.” It was an automatic, thoughtless comment - and the immediate cry of helplessness and rage caught me by surprise as Alessa jumped out of the bed and away from me, staring back with disbelief.
“What do you mean by that?! You think I’m going to end up chopped to pieces and dissolved in acid like the p-poor girl in that book?” Her voice was high and scared, obviously still caught up in the vision of her nightmare as I winced.
“Fuck. No. Of course not.” I was next to her in the next moment, hurting at the way she was hugging herself and rocking backwards and forwards.
That’s what she’d read? Fuck.
I cursed myself for being too distracted to pay any attention today - I would never have let her go near those books.
“C’mere, Alessa. Look, I promise - none of that is going to happen, okay?” I kept talking, but she didn’t seem to notice - staring into the distance instead, still hazy with sleep and focused on her uncontrolled imagination.
When my words didn’t get through to her, I cursed everything to hell and back before finally stepping forward and wrapping my arms around her shuddering form again. Even if she didn’t want me there, I wasn’t going to stand back and watch her like that.
She resisted at first, striking at me with numb hands as I pulled her into me, but they did nothing against the thick muscles of my chest. After a few minutes the fight went out of her and she sank forward, relaxing into the warm strength of my body as I clutched her close and stroked her hair.
Her head fit perfectly under my chin, and my heart-rate doubled as I felt her soft body against mine, inhaling her spicy feminine scent and caught up in this odd, protective instinct. I kissed the top of her head instinctively, then swallowed at the warmth spreading out from my chest.
I’d spent countless hours with more women than I could remember, but not one of them had made as much of an impression as these few touching moments.
Something deep inside reminded me that this was a bad idea, but it was smothered by the slow satisfaction of her receding hysteria. As I continued murmuring reassurances and her breathing started to even, the slight shuddering under me turned from fear to exhaustion, and I noticed goosebumps lining her skin.
“C’mon, Alessa, you’re freezing. It’s okay now - I promise. Nothing’s going to hurt you.” I started guiding us back towards the bed, and for once she didn’t resist.
But after I’d made sure she was safely tucked in and retreated back to my side of the bed, her shivers started up again. My heart pounding, I gave up on any pretense of detachment and pulled her back towards me again, holding her tight against me until she finally calmed.
We lay like that for a while, and eventually her breathing evened out and I felt her drift back to sleep. That had me relaxing a little more myself - until I realized that without my concern distracting me, I was far too aware of how it felt to hold her like this. I’d spent a lot of time in bed with women - hell, my time with them was almost exclusively spent in bed - but if I’d ever had one in my arms like this…I’d been too damned drunk to notice. Now, it all consumed me - her scent, her warmth, those sweet, soft curves pressed up against me.
I had to bite back a groan, trying in vain to stop the desire that threatened to surge up at that thought. I shifted against her as I felt myself harden, not wanting that to disturb her. It might be better than a nightmare, but it still wasn’t something she’d want to wake up to.
But then her sleeping form shifted with me, pressing backwards and squirming against my all-too-eager cock.
Fuck it. God-damned unconscious tease.
That was more than I could resist, and I found myself nuzzling up against her soft neck, inhaling that beautiful feminine scent and ignoring how much worse I was making it.
She gave a little breathless sigh and my heart stilled for a moment, but she was still asleep. I could just imagine her making the same sound as I kissed every inch of her soft curves, working my way down to that tender, warm opening. Exploring it with my hands and mouth, hearing her spasm helplessly around me before she begged to be fucked hard - to feel my cock pulsing inside her, driving her crazy before it sent her over the edge screaming my name…
Yep, you’re not getting any more sleep tonight.
I gave myself a mocking smile as I acknowledged the thought. With Alessa in my arms, neither my body or mind were the slightest bit interested in anything else.
Instead, I amused myself with imagining al
l the things I wanted to do to her - how I’d make her feel, the sounds she’d make as I drove her crazy, and the wild passion I’d bring out of all her fire.
Yet one more sleepless night. I wasn’t going to lie, though - this one was worth every moment.
* * *
Alessa stirred against me, dragging me out of my half-asleep doze as she shifted into consciousness. She wriggled against my still-hard cock again and I could just imagine the frown on her face as she froze, confused.
“Wh-what’s that?” Her voice was groggy with sleep and I had to resist the urge to kiss her temple as I slowly detached myself.
“Never heard of morning wood, princess?” My tone had its familiar provocative amusement, and I waited for the moment she’d exclaim in outrage - the only damn way I could think of to firmly reestablish the kidnapper-hostage mentality.
Alessa jerked away at the words, flushing a deep red, but instead of the outrage I’d expected she glanced uncertainly over her shoulder at me. She turned to face me, then glanced down at the tear-crusted shirt with a grimace.
“Ah…sorry - about last night…” Her words were awkward, and for a moment far too much hung in the air between us.
I shrugged, “Don’t be. My fault, remember? Next time, I won’t let you near my choice of novels.”
The words seemed to break some of the tension and she gave me a weak smile, followed by a deliberate shudder. “Ugh, yes. God’s - I don’t know how you read that stuff. I spent half the time I was reading just praying that you hadn’t bought those books for inspiration or something.”
I laughed outright at that, shaking my head. After a moment, she seemed to pick up on some of my amusement, and her smile became more real.
“You’ve never actually done that, have you?” She winced the moment the words left her mouth, but I was too curious to let her take them back.
“Done what?”
“Never mind.” She hesitated for a moment, then finally blurted. “Dissolved someone in acid. You know, to kill them.”
“Hah, no. Too messy. Those books wouldn’t make for good instruction manuals.” I let myself laugh lightly again, but a lot of the humor left it as I saw her shudder.
“Okay, bad question. Let’s not talk about the ways you’ve killed people.” She tucked a long lock of hair behind her ear and shifted in the bed, glancing away.
I nodded, even though some part of me was reluctant for the casual conversation to end. It was surprisingly nice to talk like this, without provoking her or watching her rage against me. But she continued before the moment could be broken.
“Still though, I don’t know what you see in those books. Would’ve thought you got enough of all that without reading about it on the side. It’s like a computer guy going home and reading more computer stuff.” Her nose wrinkled and I had to laugh.
Did she seriously just compare what I did to computing?
“I have it on good authority that’s exactly what computer guys do.” I had to resist the urge to reach out and touch her. The faint light from the window behind her seemed to make the warm tone of her skin glow, and I swore I could still feel her presence on the parts of my body she’d been pressed up against. But despite having her in my arms all night, reaching out to her now seemed impossible. Instead, I gave her a half-smile and shrugged as I answered the question. “I’ve never thought about it before. I guess when that’s what you’re used to, it’s all that makes sense. I wouldn’t know what to do with something light and fluffy. Just isn’t me.”
“Seems like an even better reason to try it. I’ve always loved reading as a way to experience another life.” There was a wistful note in her voice, but her words left me feeling abruptly uncomfortable.
I knew who and what I was, and what the hell was the point in using books - or anything else - to show me something I could never have? And it didn’t seem like she’d particularly enjoyed experiencing the life of a kidnapped girl.
Though I guess she’s getting that even without the book.
Instead of saying any of that, I finally shifted away from her with a muttered comment about the things I still needed to sort before leaving for Chicago, and she nodded. There was a brief moment of awkwardness, but I disappeared into the bathroom before it became noticeable. Surprisingly, my headache from yesterday was gone despite the limited sleep, which made the idea of driving to Chicago a little more palatable.
When I re-entered the bedroom, Alessa was still wrapped up in the covers, dozing a little. Her eyes opened as she noticed me, and she yawned.
“I think I might sleep in a little more. It’s still only friggin’ dawn, and unlike you I’m not a morning person. Plus, the only thing I have to wake up for is solitaire - and I’m damn sick of that game.”
I caught myself smiling at her grumbling.
“I’m not a morning person either, princess. Unless you count the dead of night kind of morning. But needs must - and maybe if I get done with all this, I could even play some blackjack with you before we leave.” My voice was amused, but without the mocking tone it so often held.
“Whoopee.” I caught the sarcastic mutter as I grabbed my laptop and took a seat in the corner armchair. Her eyes flew open as I opened it up.
“You’re not going to sit in here and watch me?!” She drew the covers up self-consciously, as if she’d somehow forgotten that I’d just spent the whole night pressed up against every part of her warm body.
And you’d better forget that too, idiot.
“You think I’m going to leave you here alone, princess?” I chuckled as she ground out a curse of frustration and turned away from me. “But no, I wasn’t quite thinking of watching you - unless, of course, that’s what you’d like?”
That didn’t seem to warrant a response beyond turning decisively away from me, so I looked back at the laptop with a smile. Maybe I’d relaxed the not letting you out of my sight rule a little yesterday - especially when she’d seemed to give up on looking for any opportunity to run off, but I wasn’t going to abandon it altogether.
Even if that meant focusing on the few remaining arrangements I needed to make was that much harder.
* * *
We never did play blackjack before I locked up the safehouse for good. I was too busy making sure the place was in a fit state for someone else to close it up and pass it on, with nothing untoward remaining. I was sure it would be traced back to me eventually, but by then I expected it to be as nondescript and unhelpful as possible. Alessa hadn’t seemed interested in my offer of blackjack, anyway.
We drove to Jay’s in relative silence, part of me still distracted by the thought of leaving the country for good, and the other finding it hard to deal with being around Alessa after last night.
Knowing what it was like to feel her body pressed up against mine simply made things different now.
I’d had to fight not to laugh when I saw her don the large hat and sunglasses, too. She looked like one of those models wearing what you knew was a ridiculously bad-looking ensemble, but who made it seem effortless and perfectly inspired just because she was so damn hot. I tried not to think about that too much. At least it slightly improved the chances of her not being recognized by a random on the street. Slightly.
We made it to Jay’s by mid-afternoon, and sure enough - he’d come through for me. I exchanged the keys to my Mercedes with his run-of-the-mill Toyota Prius and to my surprise he stepped forward to clap me on the back, muttering at me to be careful. I nodded somewhat awkwardly, before having the slightly disturbing thought that I might not see him again, and gave him a brief embrace back. I’d never quite been able to understand the exact nature of our relationship, but I was surprised to find I was disconcerted at the idea of him disappearing from my life. He’d been the most solid fixture - hell, the only fixture - since I was a kid.
And that’s why you don’t rely on that. No guarantee anyone will always be there.
I pushed the thought away and stepped into the Toyota withou
t another word, turning my attention to the long drive ahead as Alessa slipped in beside me.
We were both quiet as I navigated through the New York traffic, and even through my distracted thoughts and plans I could feel the air start to thicken between us. Alessa seemed to notice at the same time as I did, and flicked the radio on to break the stillness.
The gaudy pop music that came on wasn’t anything that I’d usually listen to, but I was glad for the chance to reflect without it becoming awkward. I felt my background irritation at being forced to travel with someone else ease slightly, grateful that she at least seemed to know how to deal with having the company.
It was only after we’d been traveling down the I-80 for an hour or so that I started to find my own thoughts uncomfortable. Long journeys always gave me too much time to think, and after last night my mind kept returning to the woman sitting quietly beside me, staring out of the window on her side. I’d thought it would be the idea of leaving the country that I’d find myself dwelling on, but I was starting to adjust to that. Leaving with unfinished business still grated, but I would have been dead long ago if I didn’t know when to pick my fights.
There was nothing for me here anyway - I’d made sure of that. Pick another country with similar climate and start it all up again - there were women, booze and hits anywhere in the world. Hell, I could even improve on the climate while I was at it. And maybe, as Jay said, I’d come back eventually.
Only for once, the idea of shifting countries as I’d so easily shifted cities in the past, and taking up exactly what I’d spent my whole life dooing…didn’t seem so appealing. And as I stopped myself from glancing over at Alessa yet again, I wondered whether she might be the reason for my reluctance.