by Lara Swann
I watched as the littlest one - Jamie - scrabbled around in the soil, throwing clumps of dirt everywhere. One hit Sam and looked like it might start an all-out war until Seth swung him over his shoulders and asked him to point out the branches that needed pruning.
“I’ve never seen him with kids.”
It was an idle thought, but one I kept coming back to. That silly part of me was trying to tell me he’d be a great father.
Which was such a premature idea.
“Yeah, they miss Ryan like crazy when he’s gone, but it helps to have the other men come around. They all have that same way about them - doesn’t replace Ryan, but gives them a taste of him. They need the constant male role model.”
I nodded - it made sense, and as I thought again of Seth’s own childhood, I figured maybe this was good for him too.
“Doesn’t look like they’re getting much done.”
She snorted lightly.
“Probably not. Imagine he’ll pick up the pace later in the day, when the boys are good and tired.”
We sipped tea in silence for a little while, as I pondered how to bring up the thing I was really wondering about. Until I’d arrived here today, I’d never really thought about what being a Navy SEAL meant - for the SEAL, or for anyone around them. Seeing Becky raising three kids with her husband gone whenever his country called had me thinking about it slightly differently.
Seth and I had never talked about it, but there could be no doubt that it was a hard life. Anything could happen to him, and he might not be there at any given moment. I found myself wondering whether I could deal with it - the strength and fire in Becky’s gaze inspired me, but I didn’t know whether I had the same thing within myself. The thought of something happening to him had my heart freezing in its chest as it was, and so far, his work hadn’t even taken him away.
Of course, the thought of him not being with me did the same thing, so I wasn’t sure what to think.
I knew this was what he’d meant when he said I might still run a mile - he’d lived and worked with these guys for three years now. He’d seen families like Becky’s - wives and girlfriends and partners. I couldn’t even think about the ones he’d seen fail to make it.
If we were actually going to do this, to consider this, I needed to be okay with this part of his life. And on the surface of it, I thought I was. But the reality of endless nights alone, worrying about him…I bit my lip and glanced at Becky. I didn’t want to come off rude, or tread where I wasn’t welcome, but…
“It must be hard - having him away all the time.”
Her eyes when she looked at me were full of an understanding that both reassured and unsettled me. She nodded, and sipped at the tea, before answering with an honesty that surprised me.
“It is. This life is difficult as hell sometimes. But it’s part of him. Part of who he is and what I love about him. So I can’t help but accept it, because it gave me the man I love. Even if it takes him away again and again.”
“I - if you don’t want to talk about it…”
“No, I do want to talk about it.”
Her eyes were hard and certain when she looked at me, and I had the sudden impression this wasn’t the first time she’d had this conversation.
“It’s important to talk about it, Bella. This isn’t something that you choose lightly, or without knowing exactly what it means. Divorce rates for the military have always been high, but among SEALs…it reaches 90%. There’s a good reason for that, because most people can’t hack it. And no disservice to them - there are some brilliant, passionate, amazing women who’ve tried. It’s just that what it asks of you is often too much. They come, and they sweep you off your feet with the ultimate definition of an alpha male - power and confidence mixed up with such a deadly competence that it could scare you if it didn’t make you hot with need. And when they’re here, it’s the best thing in the world - you get that alpha male to be your own personal champion, to protect and defend and fight for you, even if it’s just taking you to dinner - you know that’s what’s behind every little thing they do. But then they leave, and you realize that your champion isn’t just yours - that he has to go off and save the world, protect others as he does you, even if that means leaving you alone to deal with life. It’s every woman’s fantasy - half of the time. A mess of contradictions. It’s not hard to understand that divorce rate, when you think about it like that - how much they give…and take away.”
My heart was in my throat at the words, the unease I’d felt earlier redoubling as she described everything I’d ever felt about Seth - and all the things I hadn’t thought about.
“It gives you some of the most courageous, amazing, fiercely protective and loyal men I’ve ever known. And if you asked me, I’d say it’s worth it. One hundred times over. But that’s something that everyone has to work out for themselves.”
She lapsed into silence for a few moments, and I couldn’t help wanting to know more. Wanting to understand.
“How do you deal with it?”
She smiled briefly, reaching out to touch my hand and giving me some small reassurance.
“Lots of ways - I’ve got my own life and family I love, and we’re always busy. There are tons of support groups - I help out with a few actually - and they make a big difference, just to be able to quietly share the latest irritation or annoyance with people who get it. And of course, the guys come by and deal with all the little emergencies that would be a nightmare without Ryan around. I mean, I can fix a broken toilet as well as any man - but with three screaming kids? Sometimes I don’t have hours to work out all the shit that goes wrong.”
I smiled and glanced around again towards Seth, appreciating her honesty and feeling a little bit better.
“The other thing is, since I’ve known him - I’ve met everyone else. All the other servicemen and their families and support structures. I might wish he wasn’t gone so often, but at the same time…it’s brought me my closest friends, and such a strong extended family that I wonder how I ever imagined living without that. They tend to come together, these guys - and I wouldn’t give any of them up for the world. It’s not something I can easily explain - hard to really understand unless you’re part of it - but we’re all a family for each other.”
I nodded, feeling like I could see what she was saying. I’d seen it in the way Seth acted and talked about the Navy guys he served with, about how he was while he was here - it was a way I’d never seen him before.
I suddenly understood just how important this was to him, and why he hadn’t wanted to share it with me if I wasn’t going to stick around. This was something special. Cora might be his mother, but seeing him like this, I got the impression this really was the family he’d built himself.
The intensity left the conversation after that, and I figured Becky was backing off to give me some time to think on it and absorb what she’d said. The woman seemed to have observation and awareness skills almost equal to the Navy SEALs I’d already met. It was good she’d mentioned it, too - it wouldn’t be right for me to plunge headfirst into what was growing between Seth and I without seeing what this life actually meant.
We had a lovely afternoon chatting and learning each others’ lives, and she told me about all the work she used to do as a major events manager - impressing me with stories about the insane ways she’d filled ‘unique’ requests, and making me feel like we’d missed a trick not hiring her for my parents wedding. She said she still dabbled in it now, and it worked well as it was flexible and largely geography independent, but most of her focus these days was on her children and those skills came out more often for charity.
It didn’t quite shaken the unease or the questions about myself that she’d prompted, but it gave me some distraction for her information to settle.
I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to deal with it. But as I watched Seth playing and joking with the kids, saw the way his eyes sought and met mine every so often, my heart felt like it was expandi
ng moment by moment, swelling with the depths of everything I felt for him.
I might not know the answer, but I wanted to find out. I wanted to try.
It was simply that I couldn’t picture letting him go.
Chapter Nineteen
Seth
“So?”
I had Bella pressed up against my truck, my hands lingering on her hips as my mouth nuzzled against hers. I’d been longing to do just that all day, and now that I had us away from Becky and the kids, I wanted to do all sorts of wicked, inappropriate things. Spending a whole day around her without having sex had been a cruel and unusual occurrence, as far as I was concerned.
“So what?”
She was a little breathless against me and I smiled.
“I was going to ask what you thought. But I see I wasn’t the only one thinking of other things.”
My thigh nudged her legs apart and she pressed against it instinctively, moaning as my hands covered her gorgeous tits, thumbs teasing her already hard nipples through the light bra she wore. Her eyes darted around with a slight alarm, but there was no one around. Didn’t stop her cheeks from heating.
“You expected me to watch you working hard, all muscle and sweat, for the whole day without thinking of those things?”
My laugh had a pleasant hum to it and I took the kiss I’d been teasing at, pressing her whole body back against the truck and making her feel every inch of those hard muscles she loved so much. Her arms came around me, settling against the waistband of the thick work jeans, fingers trailing to my ass. I clenched it under her and she moaned again, shaking her head.
“If you don’t stop now…we’re not stopping.”
Well, there was an invitation worth obliging.
But we were in the middle of the street.
And if we had public sex right outside her house, Becky might try to skin me alive. For all I knew, her kids were on their way out yelling with scooters and bikes and things.
That was an image that calmed me down a little.
“I can’t tell which of those you’re actually asking for, baby.”
But I shifted away, letting her down to catch her breath and withdrawing with a last deep kiss. Her eyes were still a little glazed as I went around to the driver’s side of the truck, and she shook her head as she got in. It was always nice to see the effect I had, and I grinned as I started the engine and started maneuvering us out of the tight space.
“So you never answered that question.”
“Which one?”
Her voice was idle as she looked over at me, one hand settling on my thigh and her fingers drifting towards something that was very eager to meet her. I shifted in the seat and shook my head. Damned girl had taken too many tips from me.
“What you thought of today.”
“I don’t think you ever actually asked it…”
Her voice was amused, but her gaze shifted to look out of the window as she considered the answer. That didn’t surprise me - I had a good idea what they’d talked about. I hadn’t quite expected Becky to bring it up the first time she met Bella but…she’d had this conversation several times before, and she knew how to pick her timing. And it wasn’t like things between Bella and I weren’t intense as hell - she ought to know what she was getting into before we took this too far. Especially with the wedding imminent.
It was the sort of thing that was obvious, that required no explanation…but until you saw it, you couldn’t get it. I was in the military, and not even any branch, the SEALs - we leave for months or years at a time, we fight things we can never talk about and we risk our lives almost every day we’re out there. Waiting at home for that…it wasn’t a fate I’d wish on anyone. It wasn’t something you could expect anyone to do for you.
Even if you really wanted them to.
My heart clenched hard in my chest as I wondered how Bella had taken it. Her gaze shifted back to me, with a seriousness that meant she’d understood the importance.
“You were right - Becky’s a great woman and I liked her a lot.”
I didn’t push for more, happy to sit in silence while she thought. I didn’t expect her to have any answers - I wasn’t even sure she could.
“About the rest of it…I need to think about it, Seth. I didn’t quite realize…but then you knew that, right?”
Her head was tilted and I nodded, trying to lighten my touch on the steering wheel.
“Yeah. Even if I’d told you all the details, until you see it for yourself…it’s not the same. It’s alright, you know. I don’t - I know the chances.”
I shrugged. It was something that had been eating at me recently, but it was part of my life and I could deal with it. I’d come to terms with it when I joined the SEALs, and however difficult it made this, it was as much a part of who I was now as anything else.
Her hand brushed against mine, but I didn’t turn to meet her eyes.
“Just let me think, okay?”
I nodded and didn’t say anymore, letting the silence hold for a little bit until she started talking about Becky again. The casual conversation made the thick air easier, and I tried to turn my mind away from all the questions that didn’t have answers yet. This was why I hadn’t wanted to show her - hadn’t wanted to get involved.
It wasn’t just our parents - hell, the only reason I cared about that was because it would hurt her to defy her father.
It was who I was. What being with me meant.
I never thought I’d ask someone to deal with that. And now that I had, it was damn hard to sit and wait, when I’d finally acknowledged just how much this meant to me.
“It’s inspiring, you know - some of the things she’s done. She’s got that way about her, don’t you think? The kind of woman who could conquer the world if she could put her mind to it.”
I smiled a little at her, lingering on the way her own emerald eyes sparkled with enthusiasm and passion, the way the strength of her spirit made it impossible to think her small, even with that gorgeous petite form. The consideration and compassion she gave anything and everything.
“She’s got that, no doubt about it. But I think you’ve more of a way about you.”
Her startled expression made me laugh.
“Babe, if it wasn’t sad, it would be sweet. You really have no clue, do you?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You. You’re the most passionate, intelligent woman I’ve ever met. Fiery and indomitable too - no one’s ever fought toe-to-toe with me the way you have. If you wanted to conquer the world, I’d pity the SEAL team sent to stop you. And you don’t even realize.”
She gaped at me, and I shook my head. It was impossible. I gave her a gentle push, and then let my hand wander down her side, stroking her thigh for a moment.
“You really need to get over yourself and stop holding that potential back, babe.”
She just sat there in silence for a few moments, looking at me and I wished I could do something to ease the disbelief on her face.
It was some fucking joke the universe liked playing that a woman like her was so unaware of the effect she had on everything and everyone.
“You really mean that? All that stuff you just said?”
She looked at me with just a little bit of suspicion and I gave her my most arrogant smile.
“Babe, if it wasn’t true, you wouldn’t deserve me.”
* * *
By the time we got back to the house, that conversation and the day of teasing and tempting each other were too much to be contained. We barely avoided our parents seeing us dragging each other up the stairs, and I don’t think I’ve ever balcony-hopped quite that quickly.
Then we were all over each other again, trying to hush each other as we laughed and moaned and tore at each others’ clothes. We ended up on the bed in a half-naked heap, kissing and writhing together as our bodies and tongues twined together. Once we finally had that, we slowed down a little, letting the kisses and touches develop as the urgency
became something sweeter. She was looking at me with a wonder that made this feel more special than the quick relief we’d been going for.
I pushed her down against the bed, holding myself on top of her as I kept her there with my body and let my mouth and tongue take over teasing her. I took my slow, gentle time until she was moaning under me, my warm breath stroking her bare skin before my mouth and tongue tasted every part of her.
“Seth…”
Her voice had that longing tone to it that always made me hard as a rock, the evidence of her pure desire and need enough to have me ready to fulfill it at any moment. My large hands cupped her tits, playing and stroking as my mouth devoured hers, her hips pressing up into the thick muscle of my thigh as she clearly wanted more. I grinned and nibbled at one of her soft, full lips.
“Not yet, baby. I want you ready for me.”
“I am ready, damn you.”
The heat in her tone only had me laughing, my blood pumping hard within me as I continued playing, teasing all across that wonderful body of hers. My mouth moved lower, nuzzling and sucking and nibbling at her breasts, following the path my hands had taken until I got to her warm, waiting entrance. My hands spread her legs and held her hard as they would have spasmed against me while I breathed gently over her core, inhaling the heady scent of her feminine musk.
God damn, but this never got old.
I took my time, working my tongue slowly as I explored her those sweet, soft folds while she moaned and clutched hard at the covers. My tongue alternated between those gentle strokes and a couple of firm flicks against her clit, her body flushing with desire and need as I started the heat building in her stomach. My slow, teasing pace increased after a few minutes, my tongue slipping between those sensitive lips and stroking firmly within her waiting pussy. She shuddered under me and I fought back a grin as I continued, every stroke taking her closer to that edge where she’d let go of everything but me. The way I felt inside her. The things I was doing to her.