by Lara Swann
Better than hurting her further down the road. Than embedding yourself too deeply in her life before taking it away.
It was the mantra I kept repeating, but I couldn’t help the voice that nagged at me that we’d already gone too far.
I still felt her with every breath, every beat of my aching heart.
My hand clenched around the beer bottle just as Becky looked up.
“Fuck this. Tell me about something good and decent in the world.”
I glanced up, but nothing came to mind. Might as well have asked for the moon and stars.
“Eh…not sure I’m the right guy for that, Becky.”
She just shook her head.
“You’ve got a better chance than me, mate. C’mon…how about Bella? I liked her. Let me enjoy the passion of young love.”
I winced at that choice of topic as the familiar emptiness throbbed through me.
Young love indeed. Stupid and naive.
“You really want to hear a passionate love story? Now?”
The idea of discussing something like that with Ryan’s wife, while he was…whatever he was…seemed insane, but she just cocked her head with a rueful smile.
“That bad, eh? Fuck it then. I wanted to remember what it was like…falling in love with him. What I have to look forward to when he returns. Seems like even living vicariously is out. The world’s gone to hell, hey?”
I just grunted, downing more of the beer.
“Always was. Our mistake was thinking otherwise.”
I never should have believed I could have anything better.
“Gods, you’re worse than me. Sounds like you actually mean it.”
My eyes flickered up again, surprised as I met her irritated look.
“You don’t?”
“I might rage and curse at it all - but in the end, I’ll be okay. You will too. Maybe it didn’t work out with Bella, but you’ll find—”
“I’m not asking any woman to do that for me.”
She sighed, and I grimaced at the idea of her trying to reassure me. It wasn’t worth discussing.
“Just because Bella couldn’t—”
“Fuck it, Becky. It’s not about what Bella thinks she can or can’t do. It’s not right to ask it. It’s too much.”
That did startle her, and she gave me one of the hard looks she was known for.
“Not if she’s offering and wants it too.”
“She doesn’t know what she’s doing.”
“And you do?”
I couldn’t understand this argument, or how Becky could possibly be thinking this way, considering everything that had happened.
“Yes. And I would have thought you of all people would get it.”
It was a low blow, and I didn’t mean to go there, but she was getting me worked up with things I was trying to forget. Her words were eerily close to Bella’s and I had enough unsettled feelings about that last conversation already.
Her eyes sparked with anger as she responded sharply.
“What the fuck? Don’t tell me this—” She gestured emphatically around at the empty garden, “—is why…”
“Of course it damn well is - it just made me realize how stupid we were being—”
“And Ryan and I? We’re fools too, are we?”
The heat was pouring from her now, and I held my automatic response in check. Insulting them was never what I’d intended, but damn it - surely she understood.
“Don’t you wish someone had stopped you, at the beginning? That you had never gotten caught up in this mess?”
She reeled back, looking shocked as she stared at me.
“Fuck it, Seth. Of course not. I fucking love him. I know what he is, and I love him. And if someone had taken that choice away from me, I wouldn’t have forgiven them for it.”
It was my turn to stare, the passion and certainty in her voice sending unease coiling through me. It didn’t make sense. I couldn’t believe…
Her expression softened a moment at whatever she read in my face, and she sighed deeply before turning and staring off into the garden that we’d all been laughing in only a couple of weeks ago.
“I love him more than life itself, and don’t get me wrong - I’m raging right now at the Navy for taking him away, and for…for what might happen. Just like I’m raging at God and the universe and every choice I ever made. But the Navy is part of him - the SEALs were part of him. That was the man I fell in love with, and I knew that the whole time. If he hadn’t been a Navy SEAL he wouldn’t have been Ryan.”
I’d never heard her talk like this. I guessed she had before - she was prominent enough in the local support groups - but her words were usually reserved for other girlfriends, wives, partners. Those that had to deal with their husbands’ insane choices.
“This life is cruel and unforgiving and hard as death, but I wouldn’t take it back. I wouldn’t change falling in love with him and the time we’ve had together for anything. Yes, it’s damn hard to make this work, and if Bella thinks she can’t deal with it, I have always respected that honest decision. But it’s not a decision you can make for her. Don’t confuse what she wants with your own damn cowardice.”
My eyes flashed - I’d never let anyone talk to me like that.
“What the—”
“If you can’t handle it, fine - but don’t pretend you’re running away for her benefit.”
Anger hit me, and I surged up - any tact or deference to what she was going through abandoned in a haze of outrage.
“I’m not—”
“It’s your life, sailor. But if she’s game - why the hell aren’t you?”
She grabbed the beer and walked back into the house without another word, leaving me fuming.
How dare she?!
It wasn’t that I couldn’t handle it - I just didn’t want Bella waking up years down the line to find me gone, and maybe never coming back. I couldn’t put her through that.
It was wrong.
Every damned protective instinct in me insisted on it.
If she’s game…
I’d never run away from anything in my life - I thrived on challenge, on difficulty, on knowing I was better than anyone and anything out there.
…why the hell aren’t you?
I downed the rest of the beer as her words cut into me, ripping into the cloud of misery that had followed me since talking to Bella.
Why?
I wanted Bella to be safe, and happy. I didn’t want that risk for her. It wasn’t her world or her life. She didn’t need to have to deal with that.
But she wanted it.
She wanted me.
Fuck, the way Becky had talked about Ryan…it sounded like everything I’d ever heard and felt from Bella. Everything I didn’t give her the chance to say.
It was her decision.
Why was I stopping her?
Everything crashed around me, my crazed emotions overwhelming me with need and disappointment and anger.
I wanted more from the world than it had ever given me.
Becky’s accusations were sharp in my mind as I finally let myself look into that unstable, dangerous mess of emotions.
I wanted her. More than anything I’d ever felt, I wanted her.
But I was fucking terrified.
My jaw tightened at the thought as I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
I didn’t want to put Bella in a situation she didn’t know, didn’t understand - I didn’t want to find a few years down the line it wasn’t good enough. To have her disappear.
I’d spent my whole life building stability, something I could rely on.
And I didn’t know that Bella could handle it. Not after what I’d seen the last week.
I didn’t want the risk.
I’d been pushing her away since I met her. I thought I’d let her in, but Ryan…it had just been too much.
There had been too many reasons for her to run.
And she hadn’t - I had.
Which hadn’
t even worked. I was too entangled with her already - she was so far under my skin that I couldn’t get her off my mind anyway.
She was my baby-Bella.
If there was anyone I could trust to be there, it should be her.
And god-damn it, I wanted that - I wanted someone there, and I wanted that life with her.
Impossible, out of reach, fucking cuckoo dreamland - I wanted it.
And I got what I wanted. There was no fucking way I was letting myself run now I knew what it was.
Time to man up and fix it, chickenshit.
If it could be done, we’d make it work - I wasn’t giving up again.
Chapter Twenty Six
Bella
I looked around at the bright, smiling faces and tried to force a similar kind of happiness onto my own expression, ignoring the hard, painful beating inside my chest.
Having to attend my father's wedding with a broken heart was a special kind of hell. Probably one reserved for girls stupid enough to fall in love with the kind of bastard who would abandon them to that fate.
The last few days had been a daze of disbelief and regret. Fluctuating between hoping he was going to come back, change his mind and make everything right with us - and wishing him gone from my life completely.
But this was it.
My father's wedding.
The day that the whole summer seemed to have revolved around.
Well, that and my stormy relationship with one sinfully hot Navy SEAL. But if you asked anyone else, they'd probably say it had been about the former.
And since he wasn't here...I guessed maybe it was. The one relationship under our roof that had ever stood a chance.
My stupid, flickering flame of hope was slowly dying with every moment that passed, as I looked around and hoped to see Seth - heading for me, with something in his expression. It was such a stupid thing to still want, but I couldn't help it.
I loved him - and I'd wanted so much to make him see that we could make it work.
My father, the SEAL thing - all of it.
It grated that he hadn't given me a chance to discuss or explain, before making the decision for me.
I wanted to try instead of giving up.
Wasn't that what SEALs were supposed to do?
The whole thing had run through my mind a million times since he'd left - the news about Ryan and the memory of Becky's passion as she described the difficult life - and I knew it didn't matter.
I could deal with it - all of it...except him leaving.
I wasn't sure how I was meant to survive that. Not when he'd been the source of all my new-found strength and purpose - the person who’d shown me so much about who I was.
Not when my heart and body beat with the memory of his touch, his eyes, his cocky smile...
The familiar pain flashed again and I tried to push it away as I heard the music start up. I was waiting behind Cora in a cream-and-pink bridesmaid dress that wasn't as terrible as I'd feared, and then - before I was ready - we were moving in.
My stomach flipped and I wasn't sure whether it was because of my father's marriage, the strained relationship that had persisted between us since that argument, or the fierce need to have Seth back. Maybe all three.
I was so screwed.
Ignoring that, I painted my face in a smile for the cameras and moved through the motions.
The majority of the ceremony passed in a daze, just like everything else at the moment.
I'd seen Cora look around a couple of times for Seth, but I could have told her he wasn't here. Wouldn't be here. Not with the way he’d abandoned everything.
It was just me.
The disgraced daughter.
I'd barely spoken to my father since our argument, with neither of us willing to go back there. Even if Seth was no longer in the picture - even if my father might have been right about my whole involvement with him - I couldn't take that first step. Not now. Not alone.
Because I'd been right too, damn it, and I knew there was no way I could make him see that now. It was obvious that Seth had disappeared - and no doubt, how I was feeling as well.
But that didn’t mean I’d been wrong to love him, to feel those things and want that with him. None of the things I said to my father were wrong, and if Seth were here I’d be pursuing them gladly. So I wouldn’t take it back. I wouldn’t just go fix my relationship with my father as Seth had so neatly put it. As if it was that simple.
My relationship with my father had started out messed up, and as far as I was concerned, if this was as ‘fixed’ as it was going to get, it was still better than living the way I had.
Even if the last few days I’d been so completely, utterly alone.
Seth was gone. My father, if he ever could have supported me through this, was gone.
Even Kaylee was gone. She’d avoided me since telling my father about Seth, and I was still pissed enough about that to let her.
The ceremony caught my attention when the priest asked whether anyone objected to the wedding.
In my fantasy, Seth strode in now, his calm and controlled ferocity directed at the wedding party as he objected on our behalf. Like one of those knights from my novels in truth. It wouldn’t be legal, of course, and it would cause complete chaos, but it would make a point. It would be a statement.
A stupid, overly romantic notion, but my body reacted at the thought of it anyway, and I had to scold myself into stillness.
This wasn’t a fantasy.
I held my breath anyway - but they were past that part within moments, and the door remained closed. There was no crash, no objection.
I wouldn’t mind if you were late…
But it was an idiotic thought. It wasn’t going to happen. He wasn’t here. He wasn’t going to be here.
Then, before I realized it, they were being pronounced husband and wife.
My stomach sank.
That was it.
Seth was now officially my stepbrother.
Fuck.
* * *
That sinking feeling didn’t improve at the reception as the tightness in my gut spread throughout my whole body, until by the time it evening approached I felt like some kind of wooden doll.
Go here, smile at these people, make an inane comment there, eat, drink, listen attentively.
From what I could tell, my father and Cora were very pleased with the ceremony and reception. Pity that something which had taken so much time and effort was passing before me almost unnoticed, but at least everything seemed like it was going according to plan.
Well, except Seth and I. They were probably ignoring that issue.
If they were, I appreciated it.
In truth, I wanted to be happy for them. I wanted them to be happy. I just wished it didn’t conflict so badly with what I wanted.
Not that it mattered, since Seth wasn’t here.
I wasn’t even sure what I’d do if he was.
Underneath the overwhelming sadness and tinge of hope, there was still that roiling anger I didn’t know how to deal with.
Damn him for leaving me alone.
I kept wondering - was it just Ryan, was it just all the crazy stuff he’d been through in the last week? Or was he simply done?
I couldn’t quite believe that - not the way he’d looked at me before he left. Not with everything we’d shared.
There was so much of me that didn’t want to believe I could be so utterly wrong - about everything.
But it wouldn’t be the first time.
I found myself wandering the gardens of the place they’d hired, drifting further from the main groups of people as I tried to find some element of peace in the cooler air. It was late enough that no one would notice if I only started making a few appearances, and I wasn’t sure I could spend much more time forcing myself to be pleasant as I waited for the time we could all see them both off on their honeymoon.
It was only a few hours, and the car was already waiting outside…
I stopp
ed as a shadow detached itself from the copse of trees nearby.
He might be a sneaky as hell Navy SEAL, but I’d grown used to his presence.
That didn’t change the way everything in me froze, the way I didn’t want to turn around because I wasn’t sure if I was going to scream or kiss him.
He screwed with every emotion I’d ever had, and despite spending the day wishing he was here, it was hard not to feel anything but resentment.
Resentment and deep, unending need. A flare of heat across my body that I wished I could deny.
“Bella…”
His voice was soft, seductive as it had always been, with the same heat that echoed through me.
Damn it.
My hands clenched and unclenched, but I still couldn’t bring myself to turn around.
Instead, he stepped up behind me - a solid, secure weight that immediately made me feel warm and protected with the strength of it. I was hard and tense against him, but his mouth lowered to my ear, breath whispering against it as he nuzzled there.
“My beauty. My Belle.”
The rough tone shuddered through me, and the words lit the part of me that had thought of nothing else.
“Seth…”
My tone held a warning, with too much underneath it for even me to interpret.
“I love you, Bella.”
What the hell did that even mean?
It was too much. Too many conflicting thoughts and emotions.
This time I did swing around, glaring up at him with eyes that for once weren’t filled with tears. Yet.
“No. Not again, Seth.”
The soft sadness in his eyes - the regret - as he looked at me, had my heart beating fast. And I hadn’t realized what seeing him up close would do to me, the way my blood would flood with heat and every part of me would want to press against him and touch and taste and feel…
Damn it!
We were past that. Past everything.
“It’s too late, brother. You might not have bothered to show up - but it happened. They’re married.”
To my surprise, his eyes only doubled their quiet ferocity as he cupped my cheek, the large palm warm against my soft skin.
“I don’t care. You’re not my sister. You never have been. They knew about this when they got married - that’s their choice.”