by E. M. Foner
“Incoming,” he muttered to Kelly under his breath, and she followed his gaze to where Military Gem was struggling with the champagne bottle. The clone had removed the foil and was trying to pry out the cork with her thumbs. The bottom of the bottle was pressed against her upper abdomen and the neck was pointed across the table, sweeping an arc that covered most of the room as she struggled to dislodge the cork. Kelly let herself slip lower in the chair and brought her own right hand up to her forehead, as if she needed to concentrate while listening to Propaganda Gem’s list of conditions.
Propaganda Gem began reading her list, pausing briefly after each point. “At no time can your head be higher than that of any Gem on the set. Speak only in response to questions. No clothing or jewelry of any type is permitted on set during production. You will make no mention of so-called ‘natural’ procreation under any circumstances.”
“Wait, hold on a minute,” Kelly broke in, as her divided attention caught up with what Propaganda Gem was saying. “Did you say something about being naked?”
“Of course. The whole point of Gem Today is to demonstrate to our sisters the superiority of our system. To allow you to disguise your inferior physical form with clothing on our broadcast would be to perpetrate a fraud on ourselves,” Propaganda Gem explained. “Now where was I? Oh yes. When asked about your aspirations for humanity, you will answer that...”
Propaganda Gem got no further as the cork finally popped out of the well-shaken champagne bottle and hit her in the mouth. Stunned, and bleeding from a cut on her lip, she rose from the table and stormed out of the room.
Military Gem was clearly more annoyed about the foam getting on her uniform sleeves than any other collateral damage. She assumed a triumphant expression as she placed the bottle back on the tray, and Waitress Gem immediately brought it around to the other side of the table.
Joe, always mindful of the old rule that you should hold a lady by the waist and a bottle by the neck, filled the two champagne flutes. Both he and Kelly felt a little awkward drinking by themselves, especially after Propaganda Gem had been rendered hors de combat. But any guilt feelings they might have harbored were dispelled by the taste of the champagne, which neither of them touched again after the first sip.
“We are prepared to consider an alliance,” Military Gem spoke in the aftermath of the uncorking, apparently seeing herself in a position of maximum strength. “Of course, you will agree to operating under our command, and we will supply liaison officers to all of your Raider combat groups. I have drawn up an agreement, which is nonnegotiable, but I’m sure you will be honored to sign.”
“Uh, Joe is our military attaché.” Kelly passed the buck gladly as she glanced at her decorative wristwatch. The InstaSitter was scheduled to work until midnight, so if they wrapped this up in a hurry, they still had time for a nice evening out.
“Yes, well, I’m a little confused here,” Joe admitted. None of the Gems looked surprised at his statement. “You want to establish a military alliance in the gameverse?”
“Exactly,” Military Gem replied. “Earth has no organized fleet in real space, since being dependent on the Stryx seems to suit you. But our military intelligence reports that humans have rapidly built one of the most powerful fleets in the gameverse, which is an area where we are, um, not.”
“Not?” Joe questioned cautiously. “As in, not present?”
“It’s a boring male dominated game,” Military Gem burst out. “I could understand if there was something interesting to do, like growing food or taking care of pets, but it’s all trading and shooting, trading and shooting. I don’t understand the attraction at all!”
“So, why exactly is it you’re interested in having a gameverse military presence?” Joe probed gently.
“Everybody else is forming alliances, and we’re getting left out again,” Military Gem responded bitterly.
Kelly decided it was time to put her diplomatic skills to work. She jerked her head to attract attention, and then held it rigid, staring directly in front of her and moving her eyes, as if reading on her heads-up display. After a few seconds, she announced, “I’m sorry, but something important has come up and we have to leave now. Thank you very much for the dinner and the kind offers of cooperation. I certainly hope we can talk again in the future.”
Joe was even faster up out of his seat than Kelly, and the Gems rose in unison to see off their guests. This was probably typical of how their diplomatic dinners drew to a close.
“That offer I made was authorized for a limited time only,” Ambassador Gem hinted to Kelly as she escorted the humans to the door.
“Don’t feel you have to remind us,” Kelly replied. “We’ll, uh, call you.”
Twelve
“Is it normal for humans to have imaginary friends?” Libby asked over the office speakers. While Donna was certainly on good terms with the station librarian, they weren’t close friends like Libby and Kelly, and Donna couldn’t recall the last time Libby had initiated a conversation with her.
“Sure, Libby. It’s very common at Dorothy’s age, even a little later. Are you asking because she talks to an imaginary friend while you are supervising her InstaSitters?” Donna couldn’t suppress a flicker of a smile at Kelly’s expense.
“No. Dorothy doesn’t have an imaginary friend that I’ve noticed, at least, not one she engages in long conversations.”
“She’s still a bit young for it, I guess,” Donna replied. “Blythe didn’t have an imaginary friend, probably because she always had a willing audience in Chastity. But Chastity did have an imaginary little boy she played with when Blythe wasn’t around.”
“Actually,” Libby paused for a moment, “I was thinking of Kelly. She’s always talked to herself, usually it’s just compliments or insults, but in the last month she’s taken to discussing everything from galactic politics to literature with an imaginary friend. Oops, here she comes. Don’t say anything,” Libby admonished Donna and withdrew.
“Morning, Donna,” Kelly greeted her friend and office manager cheerily. “What’s new with the wonder girls that has Blythe skipping dates with Paul? The poor boy moped around the house for nearly an hour after she cancelled last night.”
“Really? Moped?” Donna asked skeptically.
“Well, maybe he went out to play Raider/Trader, but I’m sure he would have enjoyed it more if she was there,” Kelly answered defensively.
“Since you brought it up, did you know the girls expanded InstaSitter to provide incubation services last cycle?”
“Incubation? Like sitting on eggs?”
“Sure. Many of the species on the station are egg-layers, including the Dollnicks,” Donna reminded her. “Incubation is a highly stressful time for the Dollys because one of the parents always has to keep the eggs warm, and the girls have hired a whole flock of Dollnick sitters. You haven’t seen their ad campaign?”
“No, I guess I missed it,” Kelly confessed. She was beginning to wonder if Donna’s teenage daughters weren’t doing more for interspecies relations with their business than she was with her embassy. “Are they up to anything else?”
“Yes, and it’s actually quite brilliant. When you and I got started with EarthCent, it was already a few decades after the Stryx came along and changed everything, but the majority of the human expatriates were still fairly young. It used to be rare that you’d meet somebody past middle age in space. But today, even with all the medical technology, some older humans need quite a bit of help to get by. We don’t age as gracefully as the more advanced species.”
“Don’t tell me. They’ve expanded into elder care?”
“It’s a natural fit. The girls say that the business model is nearly identical to babysitting, though there’s a different set of medical challenges. Little kids are a choking risk with swallowing toys, while older people are more likely to choke on—but you aren’t really interested in the details,” Donna interrupted herself.
“Is Libby still handling all
of their bookings and overhead for a cut of the action?” Kelly asked.
“Oh yes. As a matter of fact, Libby asked Gryph to put the girls together with the other first generation Stryx who run stations, and that’s why Blythe cancelled last night. It looks like the girls want to franchise InstaSitter throughout the whole station network, but I’m hoping Blythe doesn’t spend all of her time traveling. She’s only seventeen, after all, and I’ve told her that Chastity doesn’t leave the station on her own until she’s seventeen as well. I’m afraid the girls are more sheltered than they realize after growing up in such a safe environment.”
“So this meeting with the other first generation Stryx went well?” Kelly couldn’t help asking. “They’re all going into business together?”
“It looks that way,” Donna sighed. “I know I should be happy, but part of being a parent is providing for your children. It’s pretty clear at this point that the girls will never need our help again, financially I mean, and Blythe is pretty good at taking care of herself altogether.”
Kelly hadn’t thought of it that way and for the first time she felt a wave of sympathy for Donna’s position as mother to a brace of overachieving daughters.
“Well, with the Stryx as business partners, I don’t imagine you’ll ever have to worry about the physical safety of the girls, as long as they don’t travel too far off the tunnel network. How is Stan taking all of this?” Kelly asked curiously.
“Stanley? I think he would have left his job to work for the girls by now if not for all the business related to this new game. He doesn’t want to leave Fight On in a lurch after they paid our bills for almost twenty years, so he’s training a new assistant to take over from him. I think he said the young man is Paul’s co-pilot or something when they play together.”
Kelly tried for a moment to recall if Paul had introduced her to a copilot, but drew a blank. The truth was that she sympathized with the Gems when it came to Raider/Trader. Nothing about the game held her interest. It had taken her years to develop an appreciation for Nova when Paul was practicing to become a grandmaster. But with Nova, at least you could watch the ebb and flow of the action in the holo cube, and it took on a sort of symphonic feel when the players were masters and evenly matched.
“How am I doing for dinner invitations this week?” Kelly asked in order to change the subject before she got drowsy. It had become a standing joke around the house that nothing put her to sleep faster than gaming talk, and she occasionally asked Joe to fill her in on Paul’s squadron activities when she had a touch of insomnia.
“If this had only happened six years ago, you never would have had all of those money problems because you’d have been eating for free every night,” Donna answered, with a nostalgic smile.
A chime sounded in Kelly’s ear and the message, “Collect call from mother,” appeared before her eyes. Kelly sighed and said, “Accept charges,” out loud. Donna would understand that Kelly was now talking to her mother, who was probably the last person in the galaxy who knew that calling collect was even possible.
“I can’t believe I let you talk me out of space travel for all those years,” her mother began. “The cruise ship put in at Thuri Minor this morning, and it’s a paradise. How could you not have invited me to visit when you worked here?”
“I was just a second secretary in a big embassy, Mom. It’s the pleasure planets that draw all of the human tourists which end up needing large embassy staffs. I lived in a closet-sized apartment and spent all of my time getting clueless Earthmen released from Thurian jails. There were only three simple rules that the Thurians enforced for tourists: No littering, no public cursing and no cutting in line. I think the government earned enough through court fines that they didn’t need tax revenue.”
“Well, the first two won’t be a problem, but the lines are a bit long,” her mom hedged. “Anyway, I checked in with the embassy when we arrived, just to be on the safe side, and it turns out that you’re famous here! They invited me to an official reception because I’m your mother, and I’m just coming home from it now. Can you imagine?”
Unfortunately, Kelly could imagine, but even though money was no longer an immediate problem, she didn’t want to discuss what her mother had said to the EarthCent staff at collect call rates.
“That’s great, Mom. I hope they treated you well. I’m expecting you in another three weeks, right?”
“And I’m looking forward to meeting my scrumptious granddaughter for the first time, but that’s not why I called,” her mother replied, sounding just a bit hurt that Kelly wasn’t interested in a blow-by-blow description of her evening. “I sat next to a Thurian real estate developer at the dinner and he told me about some phenomenal investment opportunities here. I’m going to look at some properties with him tomorrow morning, before the prices go up again. The reason I called was to see if you and Joe have any extra money you want to invest.”
“Mother! You can’t just show up on a planet and start buying real estate. Thuri Minor is crawling with scammers who make a living selling time-share hotel rooms to tourists who can never afford the time or money to make the trip again. Just because there are a hundred moons in the sky at night and huge forests full of friendly furry animals doesn’t mean the real estate prices can go up forever.”
“I think I know something about investing, dear,” her mother replied. “At least I owned my own house when you needed a loan just to afford someplace to sit.”
“LoveU isn’t just a chair,” Kelly began to argue, but then she cut herself off. “Look, Mom. At least talk to Dad before you do anything big. Alright?”
“Your father is a hundred light years away, standing in a river with freezing water up to his hips and trying to convince a trout to make a meal of an artificial fly. I don’t think he’s in a position to advise me on Thurian real estate,” Kelly’s mother replied calmly. “Besides, it’s my money, and I’ll invest as I see fit. You’ll thank me one day when you inherit.”
“It’s the first stop on your cruise,” Kelly changed tack to argue. “Doesn’t it make more sense to visit all of the resort worlds on the itinerary so you can make comparisons? You can always buy something on the way home if you want.”
“Please, Kelly. You can’t spend your life wondering if there will be a better deal tomorrow or you’ll never commit to anything. I’m still surprised you didn’t let Joe slip through your fingers, though I’m eternally thankful that you didn’t.”
Kelly was still trying to come up with a new argument when her mother surprised her for the second time in as many months by saying, “Give everybody my love. See you soon,” and breaking the connection. Back when Kelly couldn’t afford the charges, it had taken a crowbar to end a conversation with her mother. Now it seemed that the situation had reversed.
When she looked up, Kelly found that she had wandered into her office while talking to her mother, and had even sat down at her display desk. There were more consultation requests from humans, which Donna would batch together into a group meeting, and a number of invitations for the EarthCent military attaché. Kelly was beginning to question whether creating the position for her husband had been thought through all the way, but Joe and Jeeves were leaving on their mission today, and maybe Joe would resign when they got back.
“Libby?” she spoke into space and waited.
“Yes, Kelly. How can I help you?”
“Do you know anything about real estate frauds on Thuri Minor?”
“If you mean shady operators selling tourists land that isn’t theirs to sell, no. The Thurians take their law quite seriously. You should remember that from being posted there.”
“I’m just worried that my mother is thinking of investing in some deal there without looking into the details carefully. It’s just a two-day stop on a cruise for her.”
“Your mother is a mature human and I’m sure she’s capable of taking care of her own investments,” Libby reassured Kelly. Then she added the mysterious advice, “D
on’t let it worry you to the point that you start talking to yourself.”
Thirteen
The Nova, carrying one human, one Stryx, and a cargo of four half-kegs of Mac’s Bones Ale, popped into space above Zach’s World just seconds after clearing Union Station’s core. That’s when Joe realized that Jeeves was standing next to him on the bridge, rather than out on the hull where he could have employed one of his Stryx add-ons to boost the ship’s propulsion.
“Are you going to tell me how you did that?” Joe asked the robot.
“That?” Jeeves asked innocently. “That was all Gryph. When I told you it would only be a few hours of flight time, I was talking about the way back. Gryph can throw a little ship this size very accurately when it’s close to the station. Making the return trip provides a bit of a challenge, because I’ll have to get us up to speed and provide a strong beacon for him to lock onto so he can pull us through.”
“If I ask you to explain how he does it, are you going to tell me that this is another one of those things that humans lack the brains to understand?” Joe asked, certain that the answer would be one word with three letters. Jeeves surprised him by answering with another question.
“Do you have a basic understanding of how the Stryx tunnel network operates?”
“Not really,” Joe admitted.
“At least you’re honest,” Jeeves replied. “What Gryph did is analogous to creating a single-use tunnel, an unstable solution to a rather complicated set of equations. It requires a tremendous amount of energy to push through, on the order of what a large Stryx station can supply, and it’s really very inefficient. But I explained to him that you are doing me a favor, so he agreed.”