by Nicole Casey
I’d been thinking of her more than usual the past few days and that would explain why I had been amplifying the self-abuse.
It made sense that she’d been on my mind, the stress of the life getting to me, just as it had gotten to her but more than that, I felt like she was close, calling out to me in some weird way.
Of course, that was nonsense. I had no doubt in my mind that if Gen ever thought of me, her memories were filled with venom and fury, not the sweet nothings I’d whispered into her ears as we lay entangled in one another, night after night.
Whatever the reason, I could almost hear her voice as she stared at me in my mind’s eye.
“Are you happy now?” she asked and I snickered.
“Is that a philosophical question?”
“It’s a real question,” she replied. “Are you happy?”
“No,” I said, surprising myself. “No, I’m not.”
“Why not?”
“I’m missing something.”
“Like what?”
I lifted my head and stared at her, my heart growing heavy as I shook my head.
“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully. “Maybe I’ll never be happy.”
She smiled but it was sad.
“Maybe not,” she agreed.
Gen disappeared as she always did, leaving me standing alone, surrounded by luxury and nothingness. I silently willed her to return, to give me some meaning to whatever it was I was seeking but of course, she didn’t. She was a figment of my imagination and my mind didn’t want to accept that at the core, I was lonely even in the midst of a million people.
I was homesick for a small town and my weirdo roommate who had professed his love for my girlfriend.
Some days, I even longed for the sanctuary of the graveyard and my riding mower.
But most of all, I missed the sense of togetherness I’d had with Geneva, something I’d been chasing like a junky chases his first high.
Whatever had happened between Gen and I was gone and I knew that but it didn’t keep the dull ache inside me from weaning.
No number of drugs or alcohol would smother that feeling and I had to accept that I was destined to be alone with my millions and Grammys.
I sighed heavily, realizing that the sun was already setting as I had sat wrapped in my reverie.
The time for self-pity was over. I had another vapid party to prepare for.
Chapter 13
Jude
I was drunk by the time we congregated to meet the limo in the lobby and I had nearly bowed out of the party in favor of sleep but I had a feeling that my agent would have come in to cup me by the ear and drag me out of the suite if I did.
“This is such bullshit,” Corey muttered, his face pressed to his phone. “He promised us a night off.”
I eyed the bassist skeptically, knowing that he was texting his wife as we piled into the stretch car.
If anyone should want to go out and party, I would have thought it would be Corey. When else did he get an escape? If he wasn’t on the road, he was home with the old ball and chain.
And yet, Corey seemed to relish every second he had with his wife.
I was like that with Geneva before I couldn’t figure my own shit out, I recalled and I realized that I was jealous of my band mate’s relationship with his wife.
I admit, I couldn’t envision myself married but I did remember how it felt to want to be with someone all the time.
I thought of the day I’d sat in the trailer park for hours, hoping to just get a glimpse of her.
“We’re in and out,” I vowed but Trevor whooped.
“Are you kidding?” he demanded. “Canadian chicks are easy! You’re not dragging me out of a party at Drake’s cottage for another platinum.”
I stifled a groan and we all fell into silence, turning to watch the bright lights of Toronto begin to fade away.
“Where are we going?” I asked the driver after we’d been driving for forty-five minutes. “We’ve gotta be out of the city by now.”
“Muskoka,” the driver replied through the lowered partition but the answer meant nothing to me.
“It’s cottage country, outside of the city,” Corey volunteered. “It’s nice but it takes a while to get there.”
I groaned loudly and set the partition back up. Not only had I been suckered into this damned event, it was practically in another country.
Why did I have the feeling the night was only going to get worse from there?
I had to admit, it was stunning. There was nothing “cottage” about the sprawling estate house that sat atop a hill, encased in trees and spilled down to a private lake which was, incredibly, called Lake Rousseau.
Gen really was with me that night and as I wandered through the firefly lit lawn, passing by a kidney-shaped pool and two hot tubs, I half-expected to see her in the face of every brunette in my path.
It was a who’s who of music at the party, a mesh of hip hop artists, rock stars and rappers, intertwined with some actors and producers. I recognized half a dozen basketball players and a couple members of the Blue Jays mingling about.
Five years ago, I would have been on the floor, gasping for breath in my excitement at seeing all these famous people. Today, I just wanted to find a quiet spot by the lake and skip stones away from everyone.
When had I become so desensitized to it all?
“Jude?”
I turned at the sound of my name before I could stop myself.
“Hey Ash,” I replied, offering the familiar face a quick smile. She wasn’t the worst person I could have run into.”
“I haven’t seen you in a while,” I told her.
“Unlucky for me,” she purred, putting her hand on my arm suggestively. I grinned and shrugged it off.
“How’s everything going in your scene?”
“Oh, you know me. I can always use a little more rock and a little less country,” she replied. The innuendo wasn’t designed to be subtle and it wasn’t. At all.
In some circles, Ashleigh Chambers was God. If you got in with her, your dreams would be granted, particularly if you were young and attractive.
Thankfully for me, I didn’t need her but that didn’t stop the overripe cougar from trying to sink her claws into me at every opportunity.
“I’m surprised to see you here,” I confessed. “Canada? Doesn’t seem like your demographic. At least not Toronto.”
“Oh,” she chuckled. “I’m showcasing my latest talent. Actually, you’re from Louisiana too, aren’t you, sugar?”
“I am,” I replied. “What’s his name?”
“Her. Juniper Jane.”
I blinked, trying to remember where I’d heard that name before.
“Why do I know that name?” I asked, my brow furrowing. “Has she been on the radio?”
“She just debuted – oh, there she is. June! June, over here honey!”
She waved frantically and I turned my head.
When I saw her, I felt like time stopped and it all unfolded.
Fuck! Of course. Juniper Jane. How could I have forgotten?
She hadn’t seen me yet and I inhaled sharply, the wind knocked completely from my lungs as Gen approached me, her short, blonde bob barely moving as she approached.
“Juniper, this is Judas Crowe,” Ashleigh announced as Gen neared and I saw her freeze in her tracks as she stared at me. A look of sheer disbelief crossed her face as her dark eyes rested on mine.
“He’s the lead singer of No Excuse.”
Ashleigh beamed at her but there was no smile on Geneva’s face.
“Hey Gen,” I said, unsure of how to react. Could I give her a hug? God, I wanted to touch her, to kiss her lips, to find out what she’d been doing for the last four years.
Oh God, she was beautiful. As beautiful as she’d always been. Although the brassy blonde obviously made her uncomfortable, she was still driving me crazy.
Why had she done it when she had been so steadfast against selling
out?
What had changed her mind? After so long? Did it have anything to do with me?
“Juniper, you can say hello,” Ashleigh chided her as if she was a child and I watched as a completely stoic expression crossed over her face.
“Hello Mr. Crowe,” she said. “Excuse me.”
She spun and wandered away, leaving me staring after her in shock. Ashleigh scowled at her.
“Don’t mind Juniper,” she grimaced. “She still thinks she’s living in the bayou.”
“She’s not from the bayou,” I replied automatically and Ashleigh’s eyebrows shot up.
“You know her?” she asked, her eyes widening with interest but I was watching as Gen disappeared into the crowd.
“We knew each other…once.”
Ashleigh squealed, clapping her hands together in excitement.
“That is fantastic!” she gasped. “Oh, then you know she sings like an angel.”
“She does,” I confirmed. “Her voice gives me goose pimples.”
“I wonder what the two of you would sound like together.”
I barely heard what she was suggesting as I lost sight of Geneva in the throng of people.
“Excuse me, Ashleigh. I’ll catch up with you later.”
I didn’t hear her response and I bolted off toward where I’d seen her vanish. I had been right; Gen had been near enough to touch all this time.
But it was obvious she didn’t want to see me and I knew I shouldn’t be pursuing her. Still, I couldn’t stop myself. I needed to know how she was doing at the very least.
It didn’t take me long to catch up with her, the red of her halter top catching my attention as I entered the three-storey cottage but she was retreating up the stairs.
“Jude! Hey Jude!” A chorus of people called after me but I ignored them, my sights strictly on Geneva as she stole through the second floor and entered a room at the end of the hall.
“Gen open the door,” I called, knocking on it quickly. “I just want to talk to you for a second.”
“Sorry, this bathroom is occupied,” came the flat response.
“Geneva, please. Just talk to me for a minute.”
Silence met my plea and I stood in the hallway like an idiot, debating what to do. I couldn’t keep knocking on the door like some stalker but I knew I couldn’t walk away without seeing her again, even for a minute.
“Gen, please. Just give me five minutes and I swear, I’ll never bother you again.”
A few seconds later, the lock clicked and the door opened slightly. I gently shoved it open.
Gen was sitting on the counter, staring straight ahead at the far wall as if I wasn’t there.
“Holy shit,” I breathed. “I can’t believe it’s you!”
“Yep, it’s me.”
Her words were clipped and she refused to meet my eyes, even as I put myself directly in front of her. It was like she was staring right through me.
“I can see you’re still pissed at me but Gen, I did look for you. Jake wouldn’t tell me where you went and – ”
“It’s fine. That’s ancient history, Jude.”
There was so little emotion in her words, my heart froze slightly.
“Will you please look at me?”
She didn’t.
“Gen, I owe you an explanation. You need to know why I left so suddenly and without you.”
“No, I don’t!”
Finally, there was something in her voice and maybe it wasn’t what I wanted to hear but it was a hell of a lot better than nothing at all.
“Kristy, the girl who was with me, came to me and told me she was pregnant.”
It was the first time I had disclosed that information to anyone and the statement hung in the air like stale cigarette smoke, putrid and choking.
“What?” she choked. “Kristy had your baby?”
I shook my head.
“No,” I sighed. “No, she was threatened by you and made it up to get me back. She was never pregnant but I didn’t find out until well after I’d left for LA.”
Her chocolate eyes narrowed and a cruel smile formed on her face.
“So you just ran when you heard she was pregnant.”
“What? No!” I shook my head, cocking my head to stare at her in disbelief. “I took the deal because they were offering me a shit ton of money on the spot, Gen. I didn’t have a pot to piss in if you recall, and I couldn’t imagine how I was going to provide for my kid when I couldn’t even afford my own place. I didn’t run – just the opposite.”
She studied my face with parted lips and I could see the wheels turning in her mind.
“You stayed in contact with Kristy after you left?”
“I sent that bitch half of my signing bonus which she never gave back,” I snorted. “And she sent me fake ultrasounds and baby name ideas.”
Geneva’s olive tone seemed to pale significantly.
“I wanted to tell you right away but you were so angry at me that night when you told me to leave. I texted you and called you. And then you were gone.”
“Oh my God…”
“I don’t expect you to forgive me for the way we left things, Gen but I don’t want there to be any bad blood between us. Who knows? We could end up working together again.”
She gaped at me and I lost my tentative smile.
“You’ve been cashing in on songs we wrote together,” she choked. “How am I supposed to overlook that?”
My eyes bulged.
“No!” I insisted. “Your name is on the songs. All the songs. You can check the trademarks!”
“What?”
“You’re getting royalties for the songs, Gen. Hasn’t anyone contacted you?”
“No…”
Her voice was barely a whisper and I no longer understood the expression on her face. Was she still angry or sad? Maybe confused? I had given her a lot to absorb for one sitting.
“Gen, say something please? Or slap my face or something.”
She swallowed visibly, raising her head to meet my eyes and suddenly I recognized what she was feeling as I’d seen it hundreds of times before.
“I missed you,” she breathed, tears filling her dark eyes and I stepped closer to her, as her palms touched my face. “God, I really missed you.”
“God, I missed you too,” I murmured and as I said it, I knew that I had never spoken truer words.
“Kiss me,” she urged, yanking my face toward her and I didn’t need to be told twice because for the first time in years, I felt that cloud of gloom lift off my head, disappearing fully as our lips meshed together.
Maybe I did know what I’d needed to be happy all along.
Chapter 14
Geneva
What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?
Over and over the voice screamed at me but I wouldn’t stop what I had started. For years I had lived in a perpetual state of tension, walking around, afraid to let anyone in as I hid my children from their father.
I had been so convinced that Jude had run away, leaving me and all his responsibilities behind without so much as a second thought but I had been wrong, so wrong.
The opposite had occurred in fact.
He had tried to step up, to be a man and do the right thing. He had risked our relationship to do right by his unborn child, a fake child who never existed.
All along, he could have been the father Cheyenne and Wyatt needed but I had kept them from him in my own bitterness.
I kissed him harder as if to suppress my guilt, to alleviate the shame I was feeling. When he found out about what I’d done, he would never forgive me and I could not blame him.
His hot mouth trailed along the curve of my throat, his lips suctioning to my skin as his tongue jutted out to lick the saltiness of my skin.
My naked calves wrapped around his waist, drawing him closer to me on the countertop, needing to feel his bulge against the heat of my middle. How many times had I fantasized about being with him ag
ain, even in the depth of my anger? He was exactly where I’d always wanted him and I wanted to relish every second we had because I knew this could be our last.
Not could be. Will be.
My halter top slipped over my head, my breasts exposed fully and he pushed me back against the counter, his mouth locking onto the taut skin of my nipple as his fingers tweaked and teased the other.
It was like we’d never been apart, our crevices melding together like they were designed to fit and I mewled when his teeth gnashed at me gently, sending shivers through my body.
He pulled me closer to the edge of the counter and I fell back on my elbows, watching him as his mouth moved across my belly button, down between my thighs.
“I’ve dreamt about tasting you one more time,” he growled, peeling my soaked panties aside, nuzzling into my scorched center. The vibrations on my clit sent shots of pleasure up and down my spine and when he raised my knees over his shoulders, I was ready for his long laps.
He licked at me vigorously and I was so tense, my nerves would have twanged if he’d plucked them but I was lost in the sensation of his reverberating mouth, kissing my swollen lips.
I was going to cum and I cried out, my fingers curling almost backward as I clung to the marble of the countertop.
“Oh fuck,” he muttered. “You’re squirting.”
I’d never done that before but I covered his face with my juices in a mist, my climax seemingly endless.
I was so caught up in my release, I barely noticed that he’d risen, spreading my thighs apart as his massive shaft slid across my cleft, his eyes boring into me.
“You belong with me,” he told me, plunging himself inside me as I stared at him with glassy eyes.
I had forgotten how big he was, how well he filled me, even though I hadn’t been with another man since our time together. It seemed impossible that anyone could feel so good and I squeezed myself about him, locking my ankles at his back and urging him in further.
Slow and deep he thrust into me, our gazes never faltering.
“Say it,” he ordered me, his words short and gasping. “Say you belong with me.”
“I…” I couldn’t handle it, the depth of him, the way he stared at me, the sound of his voice. He had the same effect on me as he always had and I couldn’t stop the second orgasm from mounting.