“What I wanted from you,” she started in anger, “was to hold me. Cry with me. Scream—” Her voice cut off as it turned to sobs. “I wanted you to scream with me about our baby that we lost and to talk with me about what we might want to do with the ashes, Bo! I wanted you to walk through this with me! Instead, you go off on your merry way to work and pretend none of this ever happened!” She stood toe-to-toe with me and pushed me with all of her might, causing me to stagger back two or three steps.
Ember’s sobs carried her back to the bedroom door. I met her there, grabbing her arm and spinning her around.
“Don’t touch me!” She thrashed like a wild animal as she screamed.
“Calm down!” I shouted back.
“Fuck off!”
I dropped my hands, and with it, my tone. “Don’t you dare tell me I’m walking around like nothing happened. You have no idea what’s happening in my head.”
Tears poured freely from her stiff eyes. “Because you won’t talk to me. This is a partnership, and I’m the only one sitting at the table.” She walked through the door and over to our bed, climbing onto it and moving to her side. “Get out.”
I shook my head. “No. It’s my house.”
“Our house,” she cracked mockingly.
I stood my ground just inside the door.
Ember’s hands clenched around the perfectly white comforter. “Bo, I swear to God if you don’t get out—”
“What?” I challenged. “Are you going to push me? Again?”
She slid off her side of the bed and walked around it until we were once again face-to-face. “No. But if you won’t leave, I will.” She spoke with unfaltering confidence.
I clenched my teeth and stepped to the side, gesturing my hand to the door.
Ember huffed. “You just love letting me go, don’t you? I’m tired of the game, Bo.”
“What fucking game?”
She held out her hands. “I thought we were soul mates. I thought we took vows to protect us from this shit. Where are you? Where’d you go? Is this how it is when shit gets rough? Bo Cavanaugh puts on a suit and a smile and drinks a quarter of his weight in beer?”
My breathing was still rough, but my tone was calmer. “The only one playing a game here is you. Threatening to leave? How is that virtue? How is that honoring and cherishing?”
“We lost our baby, Bo…” Her eyes filled with fresh tears that I could bear no longer.
“I know we lost the damn baby! I know! I want to stop talking about it. I do! I want to stop adding to the list of shit that I’ve lost.” My voice cracked as a few tears slid down my cheeks.
“No,” Ember demanded. “You don’t get to start crying. Not now. Not after weeks of abandoning me.” Her voice was scratchy from yelling, and shaking from the tears.
I meant to tell her I was sorry. That it wasn’t her fault that she’d lost the baby. I wanted so badly to tell her that God was the one we should be mad at, not each other. Instead, I watched her walk out of the room and slowly down the hall. She reached the door to my old bedroom, and as she touched the handle, she addressed me while still staring at the door.
“In two weeks I’m going to the DROP gala with you. We’ll play the part of the happy couple because I refuse to sit hidden in here anymore like I’ve done something wrong. Until then, I’m sleeping in here.” Ember walked through the door and slammed it shut before I could respond.
Once I heard the click of the lock, I slammed our door and crashed onto the bed. Just then, my phone buzzed with a text. It was from Yardley, and sent to me and Ember in a group message.
Yardley: Hey guys! Just wanted to firm up with you that we’re going to do some promo stuff in California mid-January. We’ll do some still and video shots of you all performing in the sand, similar to the idea we did in the studio in NY. Pack your bags! You’ll fly out January 12. I’ll call you both after Christmas. Enjoy the holiday! Xo
Ember texted back almost immediately.
Ember: Sounds great, can’t wait! Merry Christmas. :)
I took my phone and chucked it across the room.
“Great!” I shouted so loud I was afraid I damaged my vocal chords. At least I was pretty sure Ember heard me.
Bo
“Man, it’s been a hell of a couple of weeks. The team’s done an excellent job, though.” David Bryson sat on the stool next to me at McCarthy’s as we relaxed after a killer week.
I nodded as I sipped from my pint. “You’re not kidding. I almost forgot how much day-to-day work went into the gala. Remind me to give everyone a huge gift at the end of the year to make up for the one I wasn’t home for last year.”
He chuckled and sipped his own drink before eyeing me seriously. “It’s been an even rougher few weeks for you, though. How are you holding up? How’s Ember?”
“She’s tough as hell, David. You know that.” I tried to make light of the situation I didn’t want to think about.
David shook his head in the frustrated way my dad used to when I’d said something outlandish. “She is, but she’s also one of the most human people I’ve ever met, too. So are you, for that matter…” He trailed off and raised his eyebrows the way my dad did when he was waiting for a more substantial answer than the one I’d given him.
“What do you want me to say, David?” I ran my tongue across the front of my teeth and looked down at the bar.
David put a firm hand on my shoulder. “I want you to tell me that you’re taking care of her and that you’re taking care of yourself.”
“That’s all I’ve done for the last several years—take care of myself,” I grumbled smugly.
“Son, I’m only going to say this once.” David took a long pull of his beer. “Don’t screw this up. This test you’ve been given. In sickness and in health? You’re being called to the carpet on that right now. It doesn’t just mean making sure your wife is okay. You need to make sure you’re healthy enough to be the man she deserves. Someone she can count on.”
I swallowed hard, finding it hard to meet his eyes. “I get it,” I murmured.
“Good.” David slid off his stool and patted me on the back. “See you tomorrow.”
Once he left, I took a deep breath and reveled in being alone at the bar. There were several DROP employees that had come to the pub after we closed up for the day, but most were sitting at tables eating dinner.
The solitude was gratifying. Putting on the smiling face at work, only to have to plaster the same one on at home, was becoming a fulltime job in itself. The feeling of emptiness would go away, I’d reasoned to myself. I just had to push through. Fake it until I made it. After the rush of the holidays and the gala, it would be time to amp up promotion for the album and get ready for the tour. If I could make it until then, I knew I’d be okay.
“All alone?” Ainsley perched her petite self on the stool David had vacated.
I smirked. “Not anymore.”
She put her tiny hand on my arm and laughed. The diamond from her oversized—and under-quality—engagement ring sparkled in the light. “You’re so funny.”
I raised my eyebrows for a fraction of a second. “I try.”
“Seriously, though,” she cooed. “How are you doing?”
If one more person asks me that…
I couldn’t tell if she actually cared. I never could with Ainsley. Her motives were as murky as a bog.
“It’s been tough, but we’re getting through it.” I was as honest as I felt would be safe with Ainsley.
She tilted her head to the side and cleared her throat. “And how is Ember?”
To be fair, all of DROP’s employees were good to us immediately following the miscarriage. Ainsley included. They arranged for some food delivery, sent flowers, and managed my position for the few days I was out of the office. It’s not like the miscarriage was a secret, but it also wasn’t a secret to Ainsley that I rarely brought my personal life into work. Not since I’d gotten together with Ember, anyway.
“Sh
e’s good, Ainsley. Thank you for asking.” I was polite. Ainsley hadn’t done anything wrong.
I know it’s unwise to keep ex-girlfriends around for any length of time, but the fact was—Ainsley was stellar at her job. Sure we’d had that one snafu back during my break-up with Ember, but after that things went back to business-only.
“Well,” Ainsley said with a bored tone in her voice. “I’m going to get on my way. Preston is waiting for me at Mast.”
Mast was a very swanky five-star dining experience that had opened in the past two years. Ainsley had found a true mate in Preston Kentfield—one who wanted to throw enough money around to make it look like they had more. I didn’t envy that life one bit, and was suddenly filled with desperation to get home to my wife.
A woman on solid ground who didn’t care one bit what was written on the bottom line of my portfolio.
I ordered one more pint before heading home though, because I didn’t deserve her. Over the past year, and even more so since the miscarriage, Ember had settled into her own skin more than I’d ever thought was possible. Drawing on the strength of her childhood and her family—especially with her burgeoning relationship with Willow—each time Ember took a deep breath, it seemed like she breathed in more strength, and exhaled a million shards of weakness.
I teetered to the car, knowing I’d been letting her down. Pushing her away because I couldn’t shoulder the challenges God had laid before me, while she seemed to be rising from them even stronger than before. I was supposed to take care of her, protect her, and love her with reckless abandon.
As I navigated the car carefully home, I feared I was failing on all accounts.
Pulling down the driveway, I had to adjust my eyes at the sight of a brightly lit Christmas tree in the front window.
Shit, one more thing I fucked up.
Sure, I’d been busy with the gala, but one thing Rae and I always demanded of each other after our parents died was that the house would be fully decorated all holiday season. It brought warmth and comfort. Seeing it in the window flooded my chest with love, and immediately following that was a surge of regret.
I parked the car and raced up the front stairs. I opened the door and turned right, and the sight of Ember standing in front of the white glowing lights took my breath away. It was like our wedding night, only more fulfilling. This time she was my wife. Standing in our house. Our home.
“Hey,” I whispered. I was certain she’d heard me come in, but she looked so peaceful, I feared I’d startle her.
Ember turned slowly toward me, and I saw a glistening in her eyes that lurched my heart into my throat.
“Hi,” she whispered back through a beautiful smile.
“You did this?” I gestured to the tree as I walked into the room and stood next to her.
She nodded. “Monica and Tyler helped, but, yeah.”
“I’m sorry,” I stammered as I put my arm around her waist, enjoying the view of the ten-foot tall tree. “Work … the gala.”
Looking down at Ember, I watched her eyebrows scrunch in confusion. She lifted her chin and met me with a fierce gaze.
“You’ve been drinking.”
I shrugged. “We went to McCarthy’s after work. It’s been a long couple of week—”
“Has it?” she snapped. “Has it been a long couple of fucking weeks? Did it ever occur to you that I might want to get out of the house, too?”
Her nostrils flared and I took a self-preserving step backward.
“I haven’t told you that you couldn’t … you have your own car…” I tilted my head trying to understand where this was going.
“Ever since we lost the baby you haven’t taken me anywhere. We don’t go out to dinner anymore, you don’t ask me for lunch at your office…” She paused long enough to burst into tears. “And you didn’t even tell me the details about the gala. I know I let you down, Bo. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lost the baby!” Her face turned bright red as she shrieked and walked out the back of the room and into the kitchen.
“Ember!” I called after her. “What the hell?”
Entering the kitchen, I found her pouring a glass of wine. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and brought the glass to her lips.
“Yeah, I’ve been drinking.” My mocking tone arched her eyebrow all on its own.
“Look at the counter, asshole. There’s a glass here for you, too. Only, that was poured two hours ago when you were supposed to be home. No call. No show. That’s your M.O. the past two weeks, isn’t it?” Her eyes never left mine as she set her glass on the counter. She finally broke my gaze when she turned and walked through the dining room and headed for the stairs.
She’d never called me an asshole before. In my anger, I was scrolling through my brain in futility to remember if we’d ever sworn at each other … outside of any instances where Adrian Turner may have been present.
“Asshole?” I said more to myself than her as I ran to catch up with her on the stairs. “Did you call me an asshole?”
Ember whipped around mid-step. “Yes,” she hissed. “I did. You’re an asshole. All day I’ve felt like complete shit because I thought I’d been selfish over the last several weeks. Spending so much time with Willow and on the phone with—you know what? It doesn’t matter. The point is I knew we were off-kilter, and I was trying to make it better. I thought I’d at least get a fucking tree since you don’t seem to think I’m even worthy of having this tradition with you!” She gripped the railing and turned back for her ascent.
“Off-kilter? We’ve been fine! You’ve been working with Tyler and I’ve been at work. What the fuck do you want from me?” I shouted as she reached our bedroom door.
I was halfway down the hallway when I said that, and Ember turned on her heels and walked with rage-filled speed to meet me where I stood.
“What I wanted from you,” she started in anger, “was to hold me. Cry with me. Scream—” Her voice cut off as it turned to sobs. “I wanted you to scream with me about our baby that we lost and to talk with me about what we might want to do with the ashes, Bo! I wanted you to walk through this with me! Instead, you go off on your merry way to work and pretend none of this ever happened!” She stood toe-to-toe with me and pushed me with all of her might, causing me to stagger back two or three steps.
Ember’s sobs carried her back to the bedroom door. I met her there, grabbing her arm and spinning her around.
“Don’t touch me!” She thrashed like a wild animal as she screamed.
“Calm down!” I shouted back.
“Fuck off!”
I dropped my hands, and with it, my tone. “Don’t you dare tell me I’m walking around like nothing happened. You have no idea what’s happening in my head.”
Tears poured freely from her stiff eyes. “Because you won’t talk to me. This is a partnership, and I’m the only one sitting at the table.” She walked through the door and over to our bed, climbing onto it and moving to her side. “Get out.”
I shook my head. “No. It’s my house.”
“Our house,” she cracked mockingly.
I stood my ground just inside the door.
Ember’s hands clenched around the perfectly white comforter. “Bo, I swear to God if you don’t get out—”
“What?” I challenged. “Are you going to push me? Again?”
She slid off her side of the bed and walked around it until we were once again face-to-face. “No. But if you won’t leave, I will.” She spoke with unfaltering confidence.
I clenched my teeth and stepped to the side, gesturing my hand to the door.
Ember huffed. “You just love letting me go, don’t you? I’m tired of the game, Bo.”
“What fucking game?”
She held out her hands. “I thought we were soul mates. I thought we took vows to protect us from this shit. Where are you? Where’d you go? Is this how it is when shit gets rough? Bo Cavanaugh puts on a suit and a smile and drinks a quarter of his weight in beer?”
&nbs
p; My breathing was still rough, but my tone was calmer. “The only one playing a game here is you. Threatening to leave? How is that virtue? How is that honoring and cherishing?”
“We lost our baby, Bo…” Her eyes filled with fresh tears that I could bear no longer.
“I know we lost the damn baby! I know! I want to stop talking about it. I do! I want to stop adding to the list of shit that I’ve lost.” My voice cracked as a few tears slid down my cheeks.
“No,” Ember demanded. “You don’t get to start crying. Not now. Not after weeks of abandoning me.” Her voice was scratchy from yelling, and shaking from the tears.
I meant to tell her I was sorry. That it wasn’t her fault that she’d lost the baby. I wanted so badly to tell her that God was the one we should be mad at, not each other. Instead, I watched her walk out of the room and slowly down the hall. She reached the door to my old bedroom, and as she touched the handle, she addressed me while still staring at the door.
“In two weeks I’m going to the DROP gala with you. We’ll play the part of the happy couple because I refuse to sit hidden in here anymore like I’ve done something wrong. Until then, I’m sleeping in here.” Ember walked through the door and slammed it shut before I could respond.
Once I heard the click of the lock, I slammed our door and crashed onto the bed. Just then, my phone buzzed with a text. It was from Yardley, and sent to me and Ember in a group message.
Yardley: Hey guys! Just wanted to firm up with you that we’re going to do some promo stuff in California mid-January. We’ll do some still and video shots of you all performing in the sand, similar to the idea we did in the studio in NY. Pack your bags! You’ll fly out January 12. I’ll call you both after Christmas. Enjoy the holiday! Xo
Ember texted back almost immediately.
Ember: Sounds great, can’t wait! Merry Christmas. :)
I took my phone and chucked it across the room.
“Great!” I shouted so loud I was afraid I damaged my vocal chords. At least I was pretty sure Ember heard me.
Ember
Bo & Ember Page 19