by Karole Cozzo
He looks ridiculously handsome—pretty much Sex on Wheels—and I smile. “Who are you supposed to be?”
“Are you kidding me? Isn’t it obvious?” Pax grins at me, all self-satisfied. “Professor X. The only superhero in a wheelchair. Who else would I be?”
I laugh out loud, causing my wings to flutter. “That’s perfect.”
“And you, Madame Butterfly?” he smiles up at me.
I glance down at my costume, which is really a work of art. I’m wearing sequined purple ballet flats. Black leggings and a tight black tank top. A headband with antennae is affixed to my hair, which is flowing and wild. I used an awesome, glittery makeup kit to create butterfly wings on my cheek and give myself huge, dramatic eyes. But it’s really my wings that are the showstoppers—they are nearly four feet across, giant purple-and-white swirled wings with thousands of tiny LED lights inside, making them glow.
“I was just drawn to it,” I tell him. “It felt right.”
Pax smiles, all slow and long. “C’mere,” he whispers. Right in front of the crowd, he pulls me into his lap and wraps his arms around me, battling my wings in the process. “It is right,” he tells me. “I think you’re beautiful. And rare. Fierce but … delicate at the same time.”
My heart lurches, and I press my lips against his. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” He kisses me this time, his lips lingering on mine as he murmurs against them. “And I also think you taste like chocolate and caramel.”
“Good guess. Milk Duds, to be specific. About forty of ’em. For courage.”
“Oh, so it’s just a sugar high. I thought you were that happy to see me.”
“Duh,” I say, and proceed to kiss his face about a hundred times.
Our blissful moment is interrupted by the sound of someone gagging behind me. I twist my neck and find Maleficent standing behind us, looking just as surly as when she’d realized she wasn’t invited to the party at the beginning of Sleeping Beauty.
It takes me a minute to make out Sam’s features behind the pale green face paint and heavy eye makeup. She taps me with her scepter. “Knock that shit off,” she grouses. “You promised.”
She and Tim broke up two weeks ago, and she’s only home from school this weekend because I promised I’d help cheer her up. At the moment, I’m pretty sure I’m doing the exact opposite.
I scamper off Pax’s lap just as the first float appears around the corner of Fourth and Shore, slowly careening down the main street, bringing a host of zombies and werewolves and other unrecognizable monsters toward the crowd. “Thriller” is blasting from the float’s speakers, the beat instantaneously setting a mood of excitement and the audience into motion.
Grabbing Sam’s hand, I start shimmying my hips, belting out the familiar lyrics, knowing if I keep it up, Sam will eventually join in, that the impromptu performance will transform her gloomy mood. I’m right, and within moments the two of us are shouting out the song together. I spread my wings and sing even more loudly as the float passes by us. People turn to stare, but I’m not bothered. Anything but.
I keep my gaze trained on Pax, watching his eyes glimmer with amusement and happiness as he watches me. It’s his eyes that matter most, after all. The literal translation of Pax, I learned, is peace.
I stare into his eyes, certain where I’ll always find mine.
Acknowledgments
First and foremost, I must express my boundless gratitude to the Swoon Reads leadership team, Jean Feiwel, Holly West, and Lauren Scobell, and the other staff members who read/embraced this story early on. To have the opportunity to bring a second book to life before my first book was even released was a tremendous gift, and I am touched by your faith in and support of my writing. You’re the best!
Theresa and Jen, thank you for being my very first readers, for your thoughts and comments. Your advice, friendship, and humor are so much appreciated.
Kim, thank you for the endless e-mails, for sharing in everything from the nail-biting to the squeeing as we navigated the path to our second stories.
Thank you, Laine and Aug, for doing whatever, whenever, for being physically incapable of telling your children “no.” The million ways you support me, every single day, are acknowledged and appreciated.
Thank you, James, for supporting my creative endeavors and sharing in my excitement. Karole Hamill is a lucky woman.
Lucia Catherine, with your wide eyes and rapt attention, you’re a living, breathing example of the magic of make-believe and the power of words. “Mommy, will you tell me a story?” Always, Lu, always.
Lastly, I acknowledge all the beautiful, wonderful little girls in this world, who are all beautiful and wonderful in their own way, who are born with an innate capacity for accepting and loving each other. And here’s the charge to us, their parents: Let’s raise our daughters up so high that they never need to make others feel small to feel big.
Don’t miss Karole Cozzo’s debut novel:
Words are strong. Love is stronger.
Can Jordyn find the courage to tell Alex how she really feels—and the truth about her autistic brother—before he slips away forever?
Dear Reader:
I’d really like to leave you alone right now to bask in the glow of Milk Dud–flavored Pax kisses. However, when Lauren (Swoon Reads head honcho), Holly (editor extraordinaire), and I discussed the “Swoonworthy Extras” for this book, we all recognized the importance of taking a few minutes to reflect on the more serious matter within the story, namely, bullying.
A question that’s been posed to me a few times when I’ve shared the synopsis of this book with others is “So why did you decide to tell this story from Nikki’s perspective instead of Taylor’s?” I suppose, when we talk about bullying, the last thing we want to do is give attention or empathy to the bully; on the surface, it seems the person we should be focusing on in the equation is the victim. But for me, in crafting a story that was authentic, unique, relatable, and hopefully at least somewhat powerful, I wanted to go in the other direction, and there are a few reasons why.
First off, as a writer, I’ve always enjoyed taking a story and putting a slant on its perspective. When I wrote How to Say I Love You Out Loud, I wanted to tell the story of the sister of the person living with autism, rather than focusing on that person directly. And in this story, rather than telling the story of the bullying victim, I wanted to focus on the perpetrator of the act. I love examining situations from a more systems-level perspective, and I love exploring underlying factors and dynamics that may not have been considered at first glance. Few things in this world are truly black and white, and I love the idea of challenging readers to consider a story that seems clear cut in a new and different way.
Sure, I understand that by doing so, I’m asking a lot of you, my reader. I’m asking you to reserve judgment, perhaps ignore first impressions, stick with a character who at the onset might not be the most likable person in the world. Wow, that’s a challenge! It’s hard to ask someone to stick with a story when they are not instantly drawn to the main character, when they are not instantly rooting for him or her. But … as someone working within the Young Adult genre, I am extremely dedicated to portraying flawed characters, and I’m up to the challenge! Flawed characters have the most to learn, flawed characters have the greatest potential for growth, and I hope by telling their stories, I encourage moments of self-reflection and personal consideration for my readers. I hope you find yourself pondering questions such as, “What weaknesses or insecurities of my own might shape my behavior?” or “How do other people influence my behavior, and it is right that I let them?” By having Nikki take a long, hard look at her decisions and behavior, I hope I inspire my readers to do the same. The truth is, there are few perfect people in this world, but I do believe there’s good within all of us and that few people genuinely enjoy being cruel for the sake of being cruel. By portraying flawed characters, by narrating their path to self-improvement, I hope that in
some small way it helps pave that same path for some of my readers.
And as a YA author with an avenue for reaching teenagers, as a school psychologist who spends her days focusing on the mental health and well-being of children, and as a mother, I feel it’s ever so important to keep the conversation about how we treat (or mistreat) others ongoing. Some of the stories about the devastating impact of bullying that show up online or on the nightly news are appalling and gut-wrenching, and we might be drawn to close our browser or change the channel to something easier to take. We can’t allow this to happen, or else we’re perpetuating the story, maintaining the behaviors that bring such stories about in the first place. So it was important for me to keep talking about bullying, hopefully in the context of an interesting, multilayered story that isn’t preachy or stereotypical.
Over the past five years, I’ve watched my young daughter very closely. It’s been impossible to miss her innate drive to befriend other little girls, celebrate their beauty, hold their hands or say “it’s okay” when they’re crying, and be part of a sisterhood where they’re all princesses/rock stars/superheroes no matter how different they may actually be. I know that the pressures, competitions, and emotional challenges of becoming a teenager, and then becoming an adult, might erode some of this natural tendency of hers to love and be kind to all others. She might make mistakes—do things that make her feel ashamed after the fact, do things that disappoint me terribly. But I want her to know she was born with a good heart, as most little girls are. And even if she makes a mistake, there is always a path back to the goodness within, and sharing that goodness with others. Sometimes, it may take another person to help find it. Everyone deserves a second chance, and everyone deserves to be loved. That’s what this book is about, and I hope that idea resonates with you, the reader, as you consider your own life and the people you have relationships with.
I greatly appreciate you taking a few minutes to ponder these issues. You may now feel free to return to those Milk Dud–flavored Pax kisses.
A Coffee Date
between author, Karole Cozzo and her editor, Holly West
“Getting to Know You (A Little More!)”
Holly West (HW): What is your favorite word?
Karole Cozzo (KC): Quintessential. Have always loved the way it sounds and feels to say it, and I like incorporating it into stories, too.
HW: Nice one. Who is your current book boyfriend?
KC: I don’t have one (all of mine are so outdated—I’m loyal that way ☺), but I’m eager to hold auditions for the position! I’m particularly intrigued to read All the Feels, because I know you identified the love interest as your favorite book boyfriend ever after previously remaining mum on the issue!
HW: You definitely need to! Xander is pretty amazing—just as amazing as Pax in his own way—and I think you’ll love him! Speaking of Pax, there’s a great scene in the novel where he takes Nikki to sing karaoke. What’s your go-to karaoke jam?
KC: Any song I’m NOT up onstage performing, ha ha! I can’t sing any songs, seriously. But if you were to ask my friends, they’d tell you some really troubling tales about me performing songs by the late, great Notorious B.I.G. No, I’m not kidding.
“The Swoon Reads Experience (Continues!)”
HW: This is your second published novel. Did the publication of How to Say I Love You Out Loud change your life?
KC: Yes and no.
Yes in the sense that it brought a sense of accomplishment and completion. The goal of publication had been this underlying driving force in my life, and reaching that goal brought a particular sense of fulfillment and “inner peace” in this area of my life. I feel really happy and satisfied.
When it comes to my day-to-day life, though, not much looks all that different. As I mentioned in a Swoon blog post, life doesn’t change overnight. Pursuing a career in writing is a slow, developmental process, and you certainly don’t wake up finding yourself sitting atop the NYT Bestsellers list. I still work at my day job, and my family responsibilities are still central to my life.
When considering both sides of things, How to Say I Love You Out Loud officially made me an “author.” And that’s a change that will never be undone, one I think I’ll forever be thrilled about.
HW: What has been your favorite thing about being a Swoon Reads author?
KC: Well, I haven’t worked with any other publishing teams, but I can’t help but feel like the Swoon team and the fellow Swoon authors are a really special thing, my favorite part about being involved with this group. Everyone is so kind and supportive and relatable. I love that Swoon is a new endeavor itself, looking for new authors. We’re all figuring things out together and going about the process in new ways. It’s incredibly reassuring to work with a group like this, not at all intimidating. I truly feel like everyone shares in an author’s excitement when it’s his or her time to shine. I just love being part of the group.
HW: And we love having you! Was the editorial process for How to Keep Rolling After a Fall different from your first book?
KC: I think I had a lot more confidence going into it. You said something to me about having “good instincts” and that gave me a real boost. I definitely trusted myself more when crafting new scenes or revising old ones. I worried much less about making the book worse instead of better, the way I did with my first book, haha.
“The Next Phase of the Writing Life”
HW: If you could change one thing about your writing habits, what would it be?
KC: I wish I could slow down! I’m always in such a rush to get the story down on paper, and I have to force myself to take time with those less exciting scenes or transitions within a scene. I never want to lose momentum, and my writing time is precious to me. But, in the end, my writing would probably improve if I wasn’t always in such a hurry. I think it’s part of the transition from “storyteller” to “author,” and I’ve always felt like more of a storyteller.
HW: What do you want readers to remember about your books?
KC: I would hope that readers close the book saying “she writes about emotions honestly.” Sometimes emotions can be impolite, selfish, or even ugly things, and I don’t shy away from that. Readers may not fall in love with every character I create or agree with their every action, but I hope readers will appreciate that they read like real human beings, flaws and all. It’s my goal to inspire genuine, hit-you-hard emotional reactions when writing.
HW: Do you have any advice for aspiring authors?
KC: Do YOUR thing. Man, it’s so easy to read something from a fabulous author and think “wow, that blows my stuff out of the water” or tend to incorporate some of his or her style. It’s impossible not to compare yourself, and it’s actually important to consider what it is about an author that makes him or her so successful. That being said, I’d say it’s important to focus more on telling your story YOUR way. Ultimately, it’s what you do that’s new and different that will make you stand out—have the confidence to embrace those aspects of your writing and push yourself to fine-tune them and articulate them until they’re sharp and shiny. And trust that someone, somewhere will end up thinking that your stuff blows THEIRS out of the water.
How to Keep Rolling After a Fall
Discussion Questions
At the beginning of the summer, Nikki deliberately dresses down when she leaves her house, wearing her hair back in a ponytail or hiding under a ball cap. Have you ever tried to become invisible in a social situation? What are your coping tactics?
Have you ever felt conflicted about getting into a relationship with someone because they were so different from a person you’d envision dating? Did your initial reservations impact the relationship later on or were you able to get past them?
Do you think Nikki’s parents were unnecessarily hard on her?
Do you think the cyber-bullying incident portrayed in this story was realistic? Why or why not?
Did Nikki make the smart choice in driving away ra
ther than confronting her former friends? Or would you have liked to see her call them out on the roles they played in what happened to Taylor?
If you were Taylor, do you think you would have more readily accepted Nikki’s apology? Why or why not?
Sam had also suffered from bullying, but she chose to call out her bullies during the school talent show. What did you think of her tactics? Have you ever had a chance to do something like that?
Nikki loves singing and show choir, but after her mistake she becomes afraid to pursue her dream or to do anything to make herself stand out from the crowd. Have you ever wanted something badly but been too afraid to go after it?
Nikki knows early on that she wants more from Pax than just friendship and eventually admits that “I don’t want to be his friend. I can’t.” Have you ever been in that position?
How do you envision the future unfolding for Nikki and Pax?
It’s all fun and parties until someone falls in love.
Book One of the Dodge Cove Trilogy
Available now
BY FRIDAY OF the following week, Didi had done only three things: eat, sleep, and paint. Not necessarily in that order.
She started by painting his eyes, trying to find the right shade of blue to match how she remembered them. Van Gogh had a thing for blue too. So many shades, so little time. Eventually she moved on to the contours of his face, combining flesh tones like an alchemist in search of the perfect mixture when re-creating the angles and planes. His hair was the toughest part. She had to blend several types of brown, trying to translate onto canvas the right texture of softness she imagined she would have felt if she had given in to combing her fingers through it at the dock that afternoon.
As far as muses went, Caleb Parker was frustrating. She couldn’t quite pin him down, and she knew she wouldn’t see him again. They might both live in Dodge Cove, but they were galaxies apart.