by Tricia Goyer
“Hope, we’ve spent nearly every day together for the last few months.”
“I—It’s—We… ” She pressed her lips together.
“You’re not ready for this. Not ready for marriage. Is that what you’re saying?”
She nodded and tried to make herself sound convincing. “I’m not ready.” She continued the thought in her mind. I’m not ready to be loved as a mother more than a wife. I’m not ready to risk my heart.
“I understand.”
Jonas motioned for her to sit, and she did. Then he leaned forward and threaded his fingers through hers. “And I want you to know that seeds of love are growing in my heart. I’d love to start a life with you, and if it’s later—rather than sooner—I’m willing to wait. If it’s letters you want, then I can write letters.”
Hope dared to look in Jonas’s dark eyes, and for a moment her resolve nearly faded.
He pulled her hand close, kissing the top of it. “I just want you to know again that I want you as part of my life, of Emma’s life.”
Hope took his words in, but the worries filling her heart soon buried them. Time will help us both know the truth, she tried to convince herself. Time would bring out the true motive of Jonas’s heart.
Luscious Lemonade Pie
1 5-ounce can evaporated milk
1 package instant lemon pudding
1 8-ounce package cream cheese, softened
¾ cup lemonade concentrate
1 graham cracker crust
Combine milk and pudding; beat on low speed 2 minutes. Beat cream cheese until light and fluffy. Gradually beat in lemonade concentrate. Add to pudding mixture. Pour into crust. Cover and refrigerate.*
* Sherry Gore, Simply Delicious Amish Cooking (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2013), 190.
Chapter Thirty-Two
It was the day before school ended, and all the students and parents had come to Hope’s garden.
“I know that many of you are full-time residents.” Her eyes scanned the crowd. “Children, I know that so many of the things you planted haven’t come up yet, but I’m afraid that I’m not going to be able to stick around to see that happen. I’m going to be moving up to Ohio soon, but I want you to know that you’ll be in good hands. My dat is taking over the garden, and he’ll have lots of helpers. There are a lot of people in Pinecraft who have found great joy seeing you learning so much about gardening. They’ll be coming by to help you too.”
The children looked at each other. Some of them contorted their faces in both sadness and disbelief. Two girls looked at each other lifting their eyebrows. One older girl bit her bottom lip. A boy peered at her with a look of dismay. Their surprise and sadness was displayed without words. Emma’s head was down and her shoulders slumped. Her whole body seemed to melt forward, reminding Hope of the melting ice cream cone she’d held when Hope first saw her standing in front of the store.
Jonas had decided not to come. He used the excuse that he was finishing end-of-year reports at school, but Hope was happy for that. She didn’t know how she’d hold up if she saw him.
“I have to say that spending time with all of you in this garden was the highlight of my year.” Emotion caught in her throat. “I have to go see a friend, but there are many helpers here today to help you pick the vegetables you worked so hard to tend.” She offered a quick wave. “I hope you enjoy them. And know these are here because of your hard work.”
Without another word, she turned and left. She walked slowly, expecting Emma to come after her, but no one was following. With great sadness Hope walked to the car waiting for her. She had someone else to say goodbye to. Someone else she needed to thank.
The driver waited outside while Hope went into Janet’s new home. Gold Sun Senior Citizen’s Home wasn’t as large or as beautiful as Janet’s home, but it had a flower garden out front. With everything in her Hope hoped that Janet had a view of those flowers from her room.
The air-conditioned building was refreshing as she entered. Hope paused just inside the doorway, looking around.
“Can I help you, miss?” A nurse eyed her kapp curiously.
“Yes, I’ve come to see Janet Walker.”
“Oh, Janet is sleeping. I’m so sorry. She didn’t have a good night.”
“Oh no.” Hope’s hand covered her mouth. Then she lowered it. “Can I leave her a note and peek in? I’ll be moving out of state soon. I’d like to see her.” Hope refused to end the sentence with one last time.
The nurse nodded. “Yes, of course. Let me get you paper and pen.”
Hope waited, and a minute later the nurse returned. She handed Hope a piece of notebook paper—nothing fancy, but it would have to do.
Dear Janet,
Words cannot express how much getting to know you has meant to me. I’ll forever be thankful to you for offering your mother’s Victory Journal for me to read. I don’t have much left to read, and I was hoping that you’d let me borrow it a little longer. I promise to mail it back when I’m through. I have to mail it because I’ll be going back to Walnut Creek, Ohio, where I was raised. My cousin needs help with her children and her garden. I’m thinking about inviting some of the local children to help me too.
I was also hoping to walk through Pauline’s garden one last time, but I’ll have to depend on my memories to take me back there again. It wouldn’t seem right to go without you. Your friendship is forever dear to me, and I’ve learned so much about community, and friendships.
Hope was going to write, “and about love, too,” but she stopped herself. Sometimes stories didn’t end like Pauline and Henry’s. Maybe hers would eventually, but only time would tell.
She finished the letter with Forever your friend, Hope and then the nurse let her peek into the room. Janet lay in a hospital bed. Her room was nearly bare except for one calendar with a garden scene. She looked so tiny in that bed, so thin. Tears filled Hope’s eyes, and she backed up. She didn’t want to see Janet like this. She wanted to remember her in the garden. Always the garden.
“Thank you,” she whispered to the nurse. “Thank you.”
She returned to the car, and as the driver took her home it seemed strange that she only had two things left to do. Since she was no longer in charge of the garden, she needed to pack and she needed to read. Maybe reading about Pauline’s love story would carry her through.
January 1, 1944
There are days I wake up certain that this war will never end. It’s hard to remember back to just a few short years ago when we didn’t have to worry about rationing and blackout curtains, to hearing about another telegraph being delivered to a mother or a father in our town telling them their boy wouldn’t be coming home.
This morning I woke to the sound of rain, and by the time we’d finished breakfast the sun had come out, and with it a beautiful rainbow. It was just what I needed. It was as if God was promising me that there would be an end, and that I could trust in that. It may not be this year or the next, but God is there.
It also reminded me to be thankful for all that we do have. We have a warm home. Because of the garden, we have a pantry filled with jars of food. I have Janet. I have friends. In fact, Mother and I have more friends than we ever had before, and for once in my life I feel part of a community. I’ve also had two men who have loved me.
So even though I woke up hopeless, I’m going to bed tonight filled with hope. And I have a new determination to live each day loving those I could well. I wish I would have lived with such a desire when Richard was still alive. It makes me sad to think how I wasted so many days. He’d want to ride to the beach, and I’d insist on finishing my chores. I would do anything to see him again. To let him see the love in my eyes.
I’ve learned my lesson, and I’ve learned to give myself wholly to Henry, and I’m thankful I did. I can look at our relationship with no regrets. I love him not because he always deserves it, but because I’m a better person when I pour out my love. I also realize a bit more God’s unconditional love
too.
Why would anyone choose to live alone rather than in love? Even worse, why would anyone hold back a part of one’s heart instead of giving it away? Love is meant to be shared, and happy is the woman who’s willing to risk all for that.
Jonas turned to his side. The splash of moonlight coming through the window turned the white blanket splayed over Emma into a soft shade of lavender. He’d always liked watching her sleep, even as a young baby. After Sarah’s death he’d hired one of his nieces to tend to the house and care for Emma while he farmed and tended to the animals, but he’d always wanted to spend bedtimes with her—just the two of them. They’d read stories together and they’d pray, and then he’d sit in her room until her soft, even breaths told him she was asleep. He would do anything for his daughter, give her anything. And for the first time Ruth Ann’s words gave him pause. Was he rushing things?
Hope had distanced herself over the last few days, and maybe it was for the better. It would be easier for things to cool off with Hope now than if she’d come to Kentucky.
Lord, is this Your way of protecting Emma’s heart?
He leaned up on one arm and studied his daughter again. “Lord,” he whispered, “I give You my heart. You can have all my plans too. I care for Hope deeply, Lord, but I want You to direct our steps. As hard as it may be to walk away, I trust You. I trust You… ”
Chapter Thirty-Three
Too many people want to reach the Promised Land without going through the wilderness.
AMISH PROVERB
Emma had been crying in her room for the last hour, and Jonas felt his heart breaking in two. His daughter hadn’t cried this hard when Sarah died. Maybe because Sarah’s death had been expected. Maybe because she’d been younger. Maybe because Sarah had left them, and just the opposite was happening here. They were leaving Hope.
“The—the carrots are not ready yet. The beans… ” A hiccupy sob interrupted her words.
“Sweetie. There is a garden back home. Our garden, remember? By the time we get back it’ll be just the time to plant it.”
“I don’t want to plant it without Hope.”
“Me either, sweetie. Me either. But Hope needs time. Hope needs space.” He didn’t know what else to say. “Hope knows how we feel—both of us. I just hope that it’s enough.”
Emma jutted out her chin. “How do you know that Hope knows how we feel?”
“You’ve told her. I’ve told her. I’ve done all I could.” But even as he said the words Jonas knew it wasn’t true. He hadn’t gone to her again. He hadn’t wanted to face that rejection.
“Can we go over to her house? I want to talk to her. I have something for her.”
“Emma, it’s late now. Everyone is already in bed.”
“Not everyone! We’re not sleeping. Maybe Hope’s not sleeping too.”
“But her family probably is. If we go over there we’ll disturb them.”
“But I have something for her!” Emma’s voice rose.
Jonas balled his fist, trying to hide his frustration.
“What, Emma? What do you have?”
Emma moved to her shelf and pointed to an open box. Jonas looked inside and his heart nearly broke in two. His daughter loved Hope. He loved Hope. They couldn’t force someone to love them in return… but they could do their best to win her heart.
Jonas turned back to Emma. He bent down on one knee and kneeled before her. “I’ll tell you what. We have to leave in the morning. I’ve already paid for two seats on a van that’s returning home.” He brushed a strand of hair back from his daughter’s cheek. “And I know it’s hard to understand now, but Hope needs time to think. Pushing isn’t going to help, but we can remind her how much we care.”
Emma nodded and set her chin, looking older than her years.
“Do you want to know my idea?”
“Ja.” Emma sighed, and then she reached her arms to him. Jonas reached forward and pulled his daughter into his embrace. As much as she tried to be smart and strong and brave, she was just a little girl who needed to be reminded that he cared and would do his best to give her what she needed most. And in this case, it was what he needed most too.
Hope thought her heart would break as she stood by the curb in front of Ruth Ann’s house watching Jonas packing the last of their things in the van.
She thought about going up to him. She considered saying goodbye, but she was afraid it would just make things harder for all of them. Instead she turned and walked to Elizabeth’s shop, hoping the older woman would be able to give her some advice. But when she arrived Elizabeth wasn’t there. Instead it was her sister Joy who sat behind the counter stitching.
“Have they left?” Joy asked, as soon as she entered.
“Almost.” Hope sighed and sat next to her sister.
Joy paused her stitching and looked into Hope’s face. “What are you afraid of, Hope?”
“What am I not afraid of? Over the last few days I’ve had the same worries, but new ones have arisen. I’m afraid that if I move to Kentucky I’m going to break his heart. He’s already been through so much. I’m afraid I can’t be everything he needs. I’m afraid I’m going to get upset if I know he’s thinking about Sarah. I’m afraid we’re going to disagree over disciplining Emma.” Tears filled Hope’s eyes. “I’m afraid I’ll take his time away from her.”
Hope paused, wondering where all those words had come from. She looked into Joy’s eyes. Joy blew out a breath containing a trace of a laugh.
Hope’s jaw dropped. “You—you think this is funny?”
“I’m sorry, but I have to say that I do. Don’t you hear yourself, Hope? All your concerns aren’t about yourself. They’re about him. And isn’t that the definition of love? Unselfish loyalty and care for another person? The fact that you’re worried about all these things shows your love for Jonas and for Emma.”
“I suppose I’d never really thought about it like that before.” A warmth filled Hope’s chest and she knew her love was real. Would she be this worried about Jonas if she didn’t love him? And would he have invited her to Kentucky—knowing he could hurt his daughter if she didn’t stay—if he didn’t love her?
“And another thing I noticed. You’re filled with fear over things that could happen. Maybe those will happen, and maybe they won’t. And even if they don’t, don’t you believe that God will be there with you, giving you strength and wisdom? He’s the one who brought Jonas into your life, isn’t He?”
“Ja, I suppose so.”
“There you go, Hope. You have a good man. Now it’s all up to you.”
Hope chuckled. “Joy, you surprise me. I’ve never known you to be so wise before.” After all the worries, Joy’s words were like a balm to her heart.
Joy chuckled. “I’m not sure whether that’s a compliment or not! But what I do know is that working in the fabric shop with Elizabeth Bieler has made a difference in my life. She’s been such a good mentor to me, and people come in all the time asking for advice. I can’t help but pick up a bit of that wisdom.”
“Ja, well, I’m not sure what to think about all of this. Everything you’ve said makes sense, but that doesn’t mean those fears are gone.” Hope sighed. “I can’t help but think that things were easier in Ohio. My garden never asked for my heart. I couldn’t hurt my garden’s feelings. Life was so much easier when my closest companions were leafy green vegetables.”
“Easier, but not better, right?”
“You know, three months ago I would have said things were both easier and better with my garden in Ohio, but now better means life with Jonas and Emma.”
“Hope, I think you answered your own question. Go to them.”
“What do you mean?”
“Didn’t you say that Ruth Ann was going back to visit her other children? I’m sure the van isn’t full. Pitch in some money for the driver and ask her if you can ride along.”
“But Ruth Ann is supposed to be leaving tomorrow.”
Joy winked. “The
n I suppose you should hurry.”
Hope opened the door to Me, Myself, and Pie and scanned the room. Lovina was sitting at the table next to Faith looking over the new spring menu. Hope rushed up to them. “Do you think I can borrow your bike?”
“Ja, I don’t see why not.”
“Danke.”
Hope rushed to the covered patio where the bike was kept, and she wasted no time. It only took five minutes to get to Ruth Ann’s house, and she parked the bike, hurrying up to the front door.
She knocked twice, but no one answered. Hope’s shoulders stooped. Had they left a day early? Was she too late?
She turned and slowly trudged down the sidewalk. She exited the front gate and placed her hands on the handlebars, feeling the tears come.
“Hope!” A voice called out to her. Hope turned and looked behind her. Ruth Ann approached with a large bag of oranges in her arms.
“Oh.” Relief rushed out with her words. “I thought you’d left.”
“Ne. Just had to get some oranges. I promised my son I’d bring some from Pinecraft. Do you need something? Did you need me to deliver something to Emma… or Jonas?”
There was compassion in Ruth Ann’s face—compassion and concern. Was Ruth Ann second-guessing the words Hope had overheard?
Hope placed a hand over her heart. “How about me? Do you think you can deliver me?”
“You?” Ruth Ann readjusted her bag. The light in her eyes faded slightly. “I was planning to use that extra seat for some things I wanted to take to family. I’m sorry, Hope, I just don’t have room.”
Hope’s jaw dropped. She didn’t know what to say, what to do.
“I hope you have a wunderbar trip,” she finally managed to say before getting back on Lovina’s bike and riding away.