by Lynsey James
Although Noah was still keeping his distance after our fight, we managed to have two civil conversations when we bumped into each other around the B&B.
They went a little something like this:
‘Hi.’
‘Hey.’
‘You OK?’
‘Yup.’
Perhaps not the deepest or most meaningful of exchanges, but I was happy the ceasefire between us was still in place. On both occasions, he’d rushed off as quickly as he could; heaven forbid we actually tried to make things right or sort out what had happened between us.
Rose’s recovery happened quicker than any of us could’ve imagined. Not content with becoming a whizz on her crutches, she soon began to do a lot of the things she’d done before her accident. On more than one occasion, I went into the kitchen to find her baking a cake or having a tidy round.
‘What have I told you about taking it easy?’ I laughed as I saw her whipping up a tasty chocolate cake. ‘Actually, what did the doctor tell you about taking it easy?! You should be putting your feet up, not making cakes for everyone!’
Rose smiled and put the cake in the oven. ‘Emily, why don’t you make us both a cup of tea instead of trying to give me health advice?’
I did as I was asked, taking the hint that my gentle attempts at persuasion weren’t wanted or needed.
‘I, um, I don’t suppose you’ve spoken to Noah?’ I asked, handing her a cup. ‘I… I haven’t seen him around much lately, so I was just wondering if he’s said anything to you.’
Rose flashed me a knowing look and sipped her tea. ‘Yes, I’ve spoken to him, love. But I promised I wouldn’t say anything. Sorry, my lips are zipped.’
I sighed and let my shoulders slump. ‘Not even a teeny, tiny hint for the person who’s been helping run your beloved B&B while you’ve been laid up with a broken leg?’
She stopped to think for a second, tapping her chin and looking everywhere but at me. ‘You make a good point, I must admit… Oh all right, but you didn’t hear it from me! And I’m only telling you because I think you make a lovely couple.’
I pulled up a free chair and prepared myself for what Rose might say: that Noah hated me and never wanted to see me again; that I’d committed a terrible relationship slight we couldn’t recover from; or that he’d simply had a rethink after my cowardice and decided he just wasn’t that into me.
‘Noah said he’d asked you to stay here with him, but that you said no. He tried to persuade you otherwise, but your mind was made up. He said he was really upset about it, but that there was nothing he could do. He doesn’t want to hold you back from doing what’s really going to make you happy.’
I felt my breath catch in my chest. He’d had the chance to rip me to shreds with Rose, but he hadn’t taken it. He’d completely glossed over my being a coward and had made the whole thing sound very reasonable, which proved what a lovely guy he really was. An imaginary knife twisted in my heart and I felt my stomach lurch with sadness. I nodded quickly, trying to keep a wave of tears at bay.
‘Thanks for letting me know,’ I said, sounding like I was coming down with the cold.
‘Oh, and his mum’s been back in touch to say sorry for her relapse in the pub the other day. She’d had a rough week at work and ended up hitting the bottle, which she hadn’t done for a good few years. He wasn’t sure whether to believe her at first, but she sounded serious. They’re going to try and meet up again soon.’
‘That’s great.’ I nodded my head, trying to keep my tears from falling. ‘I’m really happy that was just a one-off.’
I got up and prepared to leave, so as not to let Rose see me cry. Her voice once again stopped me in my tracks.
‘He told me he’s in love with you.’
My feet rooted themselves to the spot on the flagstone kitchen floor. I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, hoping that doing this would somehow turn back time and take those words back. They were the last ones I needed to hear.
‘I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that,’ I replied.
‘You can pretend all you like, Emily; it’s the truth. He’s finding it really hard not to be with you because he has such strong feelings for you. He knows you’re going back to Glasgow to your job and family and friends and that there’s nothing he can do to change that, but it doesn’t stop him from loving you. I’ve known Noah nearly his whole life; he’s never found it easy to connect with people because of his mum being in and out of the picture. But when I saw you two together, I just knew it was different. You might’ve been arguing like a pair of stray cats, but anyone could see the connection between you. What is it you’re so scared of, Emily? It’s clear you want to be with him. Why don’t you just let yourself do it?’
I shrugged in defeat. ‘We’re on different paths, Rose. There’s no way we could make a relationship work living two hundred miles apart. He wants to be here and I… I’m going back to Glasgow. I have a life waiting for me there. What would you have me do instead?’
There was a strange look on Rose’s face. So much was going on behind her kind blue eyes, but I couldn’t fathom even one of her thoughts. For such an open, generous woman, she kept a lot hidden beneath the surface.
‘If you want me to be honest, I’d have you stay here. I know you were a complete fish out of water when you first got here, but I’ve seen you change. You seem so happy here and I really think you should give things a go in Luna Bay.’
The words came crashing over me, sending all my neatly ordered thoughts spinning out of control and scattering to the four corners of my mind.
‘I can’t just leave everything behind to come down here. I said this to Noah too; I have a job, my family and friends. My whole life is in Glasgow.’
She nodded slowly, staring out of the window at the gently rolling waves. ‘You know, it’s interesting. You’ve said all the reasons you can’t stay in Luna Bay, but you didn’t say that you don’t want to.’
‘Whether I want to or not doesn’t matter, Rose. People like me don’t do crazy shit like that. We work hard and build careers and get married to people it makes sense for us to be with. We don’t jack it all in to move to a village on the Yorkshire coast.’
She got up and limped over to me, using her crutches for support. ‘You’re right; that is what people like you usually do. But that doesn’t mean you can’t choose something different for yourself. Just because your mum was too scared to follow her heart doesn’t mean you have to be. What do you want, Emily? You need to stop thinking about other people and start living your life for you.’ There was a short pause before she added, ‘I did.’
My jaw dropped and I stared at her. ‘You did? What do you mean?’
Rose looked down at the floor then back at me, a defiant smile on her face. ‘I left my turd of a husband and a job I hated to come to Luna Bay and open Sunflower Cottage. I wasn’t happy with the life I had, so I chose something different. My husband was a drunk who didn’t want to work, I was putting in all the hours I could at a job in a bank that I couldn’t stand, and one day I just snapped. My mum had left me some money when she died, so I decided to bloody well do something with it. I’d always wanted to open a B&B, but everyone I knew told me I was mad, so I put it out of my mind. I’d been to Luna Bay a couple of times on holiday and, when I decided to leave my husband, it seemed like the most natural place to come to. Thirty years later, here I am!’
She gestured to her beautiful kitchen with a wide, beaming grin. I found myself looking at her in a brand-new light. Finding out that she’d walked away from a crap marriage and job to follow her dream gave me a whole new respect for her.
‘Wow,’ I breathed. ‘I… I had no idea, Rose!’
She shook her head and threw a kind smile my way. ‘It’s not something I go parading around the village! I’m telling you because I want you to know that you have options, Emily. I know I’ve been laid up in bed most of the time you’ve been here, but Noah hasn’t stopped going on about you. Even when he was huffing
about how much you were getting on his nerves, I could tell there was love there. I reckon you’re the type of person who thinks you have to please everyone else around you and what you want doesn’t really matter. Am I right?’
I nodded sheepishly, rubbing the back of my neck and avoiding Rose’s gaze.
‘You might be on to something there,’ I admitted. ‘But I’m not like you, Rose. I’m not brave enough to take chances like you were. I have a life to get back to in Glasgow and that’s what I’m going to do.’
*
Lucy had her own opinion of my leaving. Two days before my big departure from Luna Bay was due to take place, I met up with her for a walk on the seafront.
‘So Rose thinks you should stay, does she?’ She handed me a vanilla ice cream cone she’d bought from the little stand and we continued our walk along the promenade. ‘Can’t say I disagree, to be honest.’
‘Not you as well,’ I replied with a fake groan of exasperation. ‘Is the whole village going to mount a protest to try and get me to stay?’
‘Yup, there’s going to be road blocks put up, human chains formed, so you can’t back your car out of the Sunflower Cottage car park; we’ve got it all covered!’
I smiled at the thought of people actually wanting me to stay in Luna Bay. It was a tempting thought, but one I couldn’t entertain for long.
‘Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but in a couple of days I’ll be back in Glasgow. I’ll miss you all, though, and you and Jake have to come up for a visit sometime!’
Lucy rolled her eyes and shook her head, before realising her ice cream had started dripping down her fingers.
‘Not the bloody same as you being at Sunflower Cottage, though, is it? Glasgow isn’t exactly just up the road.’
I felt my insides crumble inwards on themselves. ‘Don’t remind me. I’m going to miss you a lot, you know!’
The reminder of my limited time left in Luna Bay killed the convivial mood between us and cast a gloomy air over our day out.
‘I wish you weren’t leaving,’ Lucy admitted. ‘I’ve loved having you around the last few weeks. My best friends, Elle and George, lived round here till recently, but they’ve moved back to London now. I’ve missed having someone to hang out with and talk to. Don’t get me wrong – the book club members are great but they all have their own lives to get on with. Do you really have to go back to Scotland?’
I nodded sadly and felt my heart sink in my chest. ‘Sorry, but I do. I’ll never forget you, though. I won’t forget anyone I’ve met here.’
My thoughts immediately turned to Noah and how awful things had turned between us. I knew he wanted me to stay, and that he loved me, but I still couldn’t find the courage within myself to take a leap.
‘Even Noah?’ Lucy looked at me as though she’d just read my thoughts.
‘Even Noah.’
‘How are things with you two now? Have you spoken to him recently?’
My insides twisted and my heart sank even further to my shoes. The last thing I wanted to do was rake over my situation with him but, knowing Lucy, I probably had no choice.
‘Nope. He comes round to help with Rose, but he always leaves pretty quickly. It’s like he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I talked to Rose and, apparently, he told her he’s in love with me and wants me to stay. He asked me to and called me a coward when I said I was going back to Glasgow. I’d love to stay, Lucy, but I can’t. People like me don’t do crazy things like moving hundreds of miles away after knowing someone for three weeks!’
‘Sometimes they do,’ she said with a smile. ‘Did Rose tell you about how she—’
‘Gave up her job to run Sunflower Cottage? Yeah, she did,’ I replied. ‘And that’s amazing, but I couldn’t do it myself. I’m just not brave enough.’
‘Why don’t you talk to him about it?’ Lucy suggested. ‘You could maybe work something out?’
I grimaced and tried not to laugh. ‘Yeah, I’m sure that conversation will go down well! I’d have to catch him first anyway; Usain Bolt isn’t even in the picture when he’s trying to get away from me!’
Lucy’s gaze wandered to a spot over my shoulder. ‘Oh, I think it might be easier than you think.’
‘Eh?’ I frowned. ‘What do you mean?’
I turned around and followed her gaze to where Noah and Dixie were standing on the pier. My heart leapt into my mouth and I shot up from the bench.
‘Oh shit!’ I muttered. ‘What should I do? Should I go over?’
Lucy shrugged helplessly and pulled a confused face. ‘Now’s as good a time to talk to him as any, isn’t it? Just don’t do what I usually do and burst into song.’
Great, I thought, really helpful advice! I took a deep breath, sucked my tummy in and began to walk over. My already frayed nerves were stretched to breaking point as I clambered around in my head for the right thing to say. As Noah drew nearer, my search for the perfect words became ever more frantic until…
‘Nice shoes!’
What. The. Fuck. Nice one, Emily!
Noah turned to look at me with a frown then looked down at his shoes.
‘Um, thanks, I suppose. Not sure my battered old Converses could be called “nice” but cheers anyway.’
An awkward silence ensued, broken only by Dixie’s excited barking. She jumped up and down to get my attention and I felt her claws briefly scratch against my bare leg.
‘Hello, you! I’ve missed you!’ I stooped down low to stroke her soft fur and she licked my face.
I cooed over her and told her how beautiful she was until she went to chase after a leaf blowing along the promenade. That left Noah and I leaning on the ornate balustrade that separated us from the beach, looking out to sea and not talking to each other.
‘I’ve missed you too,’ I said, hoping to break the ice between us. ‘I’ve missed you a lot, actually.’
I heard him heave a sigh and he dropped his gaze to his feet. ‘I’ve been around to help with Rose. It’s not like I’ve disappeared off the face of the earth.’
The sharp crispness I’d heard in his voice before was back. He’d reverted back to the Noah I’d met three weeks ago: closed off, guarded and totally unwilling to connect with me or anyone else.
‘No, I know, but… Look, Noah, can you just drop the moody act, please? I want to talk to you about what happened with us.’
He pushed himself off the balustrade and looked around to see that Dixie was still within his line of sight. She’d caught the leaf and was holding it under her paws while also trying to eat it.
‘Emily, why are you even bothering? You’re leaving in two days and we’ll probably never see each other again. You’ve made it quite clear you’re not going to stay here, I’m not moving to Scotland, and we both know a long-distance relationship won’t work. You were right: it’s best we leave it now before it becomes even more complicated. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for the other day; it must’ve sounded like I was trying to pressure you into doing what I wanted. I wasn’t; I just thought staying in Luna Bay was what you really wanted.’
It is, I wanted to say, I’m just too scared to make the leap and go after what I want.
‘Maybe it wasn’t a good idea, us getting involved in the first place. I mean, we were always on borrowed time,’ he said with a thoughtful sigh. ‘We should’ve just stayed away from each other, shouldn’t we?’
I felt my hackles rise and my blood began to boil. My initial aim of reconciling with Noah quickly vanished and was replaced with the urge to give him a good telling-off.
‘You knew all of this before now, Noah. You always knew I wasn’t going to stay in Luna Bay forever; I was always just going to be here until we closed the sale of Sunflower Cottage. You knew that when you kissed me in my room the day I showed you my mum’s letters, but you did it anyway. If me not sticking around forever really bothered you that much, you’d have kept your distance. So what, Noah? Did you just want to lead me on, waste my time and let me th
ink there was something between us when there wasn’t? Maybe you wanted to get back at me for taking your precious Sunflower Cottage away from you or for nearly running you over. You must really have had a grudge against me to do something like that.’
I knew I was talking utter nonsense – he’d liked me just as much as I’d liked him – but I wanted to even the scoreboard after he’d said we shouldn’t have got involved with each other.
‘Don’t be so bloody stupid, Emily! Of course I didn’t have a grudge against you. I told you before that I’m not good at getting close to people and that the only reason I was mean to you was because I didn’t want to lose Sunflower Cottage.’
My heart twisted inside my chest as I looked at the sadness in his eyes. He looked like he was fighting his own emotions; I knew how hard that was.
‘I know that,’ I said in a small voice. ‘I’m really sorry I said we should end things, Noah. That was really horrible of me.’
He jogged over to where Dixie was sniffing a suspicious-looking blob and lifted her away from it before she could eat it. He clipped her lead back on and looked at me, his face set in a strange expression.
‘You were right, Emily. We want different things and we’re on different paths; I’ve realised that now. Let’s just agree to call it a day here, eh? Before either of us gets hurt.’
I felt as if someone had kicked me in the stomach, knocking all the wind out of me in the process. There was nothing else to do or say. He was pretty set on what he wanted and it was clear I couldn’t change his mind.
‘OK… Well, it was nice meeting you and… I… I’ll never forget you.’
I choked the words out, then spun on my heel so he couldn’t see the pain etched into my face or the tears running down my cheeks.
It was over. Noah and I were no more.
Chapter 24
On my last day in Luna Bay, Jake and Lucy cordially invited me to a barbecue at the Purple Partridge later that afternoon.