by Nikki Chase
I don’t want to do that. The last thing I want to do is to hurt him.
“What if I go to the city with you?” he repeats, his dark eyes solemn and serious.
“You can’t do that. What about your mom? And your niece?”
I’m still talking. Why am I still talking?
It doesn’t matter—nothing does. This is not even about living in the city or in Ashbourne. I’m leaving Eli, and nothing will change my mind.
Eli shakes his head. “I’ll leave everything for you. Once, I told you to leave so I could stay here. Now, I know that was a mistake. I told you. I’d do anything.”
“You can’t leave your mom and your niece,” I repeat the words, ignoring everything Eli has just said.
“I have, and I will,” Eli insists.
“Back then, Nicole was just a baby,” he continues. “I couldn’t leave my mom after her entire family had left her. Her husband had left her. Her daughter had left her.
“I couldn’t do the same thing to her. I couldn’t make her go through the single-mom experience, all on her own, again. So, I stayed.
“But now, Nicole is old enough to do a lot of things herself. She spends all day in school now. My mom even has a great boyfriend. She won’t be alone.”
Tears spring from my eyes as I listen to Eli’s words. I swallow through the lump in my throat. “It doesn’t matter,” I repeat. “This is not about that.”
“Then, what is it about?” Eli asks, his voice growing in pitch and volume as he becomes more frustrated. “I don’t care what you think is wrong with you. You’re perfect in my eyes.”
I scoff, even as tears roll down my cheeks. “You’ll find some other girl soon enough.”
“Nobody can replace you. You don’t think I’ve tried?”
I raise an eyebrow as I wipe away my tears with the back of my hand. “I think I just happened to visit when you happened to be single. It was a coincidence. Maybe you’ve tried. And then, maybe you’ve failed. But, you’ll succeed again.”
“Fuck, Sophia, what will it take for you to listen to me?” Eli raises his voice. “In the seven years that you were gone, I didn’t even touch anyone else. Not one girl.”
I stare at him, dumbfounded. Is he saying . . . He didn’t . . . Seven years, and . . .?
I shake my head. It still doesn’t matter.
“That doesn’t change anything,” I say. “Maybe now that you know it’s impossible between you and me, you’ll find someone.”
“But, it’s not impossible. It can’t be. I see the way you look at me. I feel the way you melt under my touch.” Eli stretches out his hand like he’s about to touch my face.
Again, I take a step back. From the corner of my eye, I notice the bus driver walking toward the bus. Finally.
“Princess, I don’t care what it is you think is the problem,” he says. “You’re the only one I want.”
“You’re being dramatic, Eli.” I shake my head. “You’ll find a nice girl and settle down.”
To my great relief, the bus door opens with a hiss and the bus driver climbs in.
“Princess, there can’t be anybody else. If I can’t be with you, I’ll just . . . I’ll just have to get better at keeping myself company,” Eli says. “When I think about my future, you’re in it. I want us to be a family.”
Fresh tears well up in my eyes and spill down my cheeks.
But, that’s exactly the problem. We can’t be a family. Eli can’t possibly build a family with me.
“Miss, are you coming?” the driver asks impatiently.
“Yes,” I say, putting one foot on the first step of the bus.
“No.” Eli shakes his head as he stands right by the door, looking up at me. “Please, princess. At least, tell me what the problem is.”
“The problem is, you’re wrong about everything.” I get up onto the bus, holding onto the handrail by the door.
“Please,” Eli says. “At least, tell me. I won’t be able to stop obsessing about this.”
My mind flashes back to the sleepless nights I had when I was trying to forget about Eli, when my head was filled with all kinds of possible scenarios for why Eli broke up with me.
Maybe he’s right. He deserves some closure, at the very least.
“Miss, can you please step inside?” the bus driver asks, sighing. “We’re going to be late.”
“I can’t have children, Eli,” I blurt out.
I catch a glimpse of Eli’s shocked facial expression before I turn around, and the bus door closes behind me.
As I walk through rows of empty seats, I hear Eli banging on the metal, calling my name as he runs alongside the bus.
But as the wheels turn, taking me further away from him until I stop hearing his voice. When I turn around, even through the tears in my eyes, I can see he’s no longer there.
Soon enough, he’ll forget about me. Soon enough, he’ll find someone else—a beautiful girl with whom he can have lots of children. Someone who can fulfill his dream.
Sorrow grips my heart so hard I feel like it might break. I close my eyes and lean my head back on the cushioned seat, letting my head spin.
“Miss, are you okay?” the driver asks.
“Yeah. I’m okay,” I answer, sniffling.
I’m okay.
Everything’s okay.
Eli wants a family, and I want a career.
This way, we’ll both get what we want out of life.
Life’s too short to sacrifice our dreams, right?
This may hurt like hell right now. But someday, this will all make sense.
Sophia
As much as I try, I can’t fall asleep.
Even when I close my eyes, I keep seeing Eli.
It’s not surprising, of course. This was how I used to be when I had first gotten to the city.
I barely made small talk with my dorm roommate. If I weren’t attending classes, I was curled up under my blanket, crying my eyes out over him. Over Eli.
Just like I’m doing now.
My tears haven’t stopped flowing. To avoid stares from the other passengers, who have entered the bus as we passed through various small towns, I’ve been wiping away the damage with tissues, replacing them whenever they’re saturated with tears.
One elderly woman who sat across the aisle from me asked me if something was wrong, and I told her I had an allergy. I have no idea if she bought that, and I don’t care. As long as it shut her up.
There’s no space in my head left for anyone else but Eli.
The way he looked when I told him the truth. His eyes and his mouth were wide open, so stunned he couldn’t speak until the bus door snapped shut in front of him.
He called my name and ran alongside the bus for a while, but pretty soon he gave up.
Of course, he did.
I mean, what was there left to say?
He must’ve realized his dream was an impossible one. There’s no possible way for us to have a family of our own.
Still, like an idiot, I keep thinking . . . Was there a way? Is there a way? Could we possibly make it work . . . somehow?
It’s stupid, of course.
Seriously, it’s not like Eli would even take me back anymore.
I’ve been pushing him away.
I’ve humiliated him. Someone could’ve seen our little fight this morning. Hell, the bus driver definitely saw us.
And, who knows if any of his neighbors saw me driving away last night? It’s possible they think he was trying to do something inappropriate and I was running away for my life.
Jesus, why did I do that?
Why did I even sleep with him in the first place?
I should’ve known to stay away from him. I should’ve known there was no possible way for me to keep things casual when it comes to Eli.
No, Eli won’t want me back. Especially now that he knows I’m damaged goods.
I’m more trouble than I’m worth. And God knows I’ve given him a lot of trouble.
&nbs
p; The things he said . . . When he told me he was willing to move to the city for me, leaving his family behind and his work, too . . .
I have to admit that, at least for a brief moment, I let myself dream of a life with him. Maybe if he was willing to alter his life to that extent, just for me, he was also willing to . . .
But . . . no.
I told him. I told him, even though I wanted him to remember only the good things about me.
To be honest, a part of me was hoping, as impossible as it was, that he would . . . I don’t know. That he would jump onto the bus with me and keep trying to win me over, I guess.
But then again, he found out I was no prize. So, why would he?
Why would anyone?
I still remember how David’s face turned to stone the moment the doctor explained, in a grave tone of voice, what my test results meant.
In that one moment, everything became clear—the reason why I hadn’t gotten pregnant even though I kept close track of my ovulation schedule.
In that same moment, everything went dark. All the plans I had made for the future evaporated in the blink of an eye. The baby names—one for a boy and one for a girl; the Pinterest board full of pictures of stylish nurseries; the two-bedroom apartment I was sharing with David where we had started emptying out the second bedroom.
The very next day, David told me it was over. He had rented a new apartment nearby where he could live while I was moving my stuff out of our shared home.
He also expressed his wish for us to continue working civilly together. He told me the years we had been together were great, but our paths were diverging.
All things considered, it was an amicable, level-headed, grown-up break-up.
I couldn’t blame David for ending it.
But I also couldn’t bear to continue working with him. So, I quit.
I thought spending some time with my parents in Ashbourne would do me good. Ha. I should’ve known better.
Bad things happen when I make plans. Just as I think things will go smoothly, something freaky happens to ruin everything.
Oh, Eli . . . My heart clenches with regret for him, knowing there’s no way for his dream to come true.
Guilt wraps its tendrils around me even though I know it’s not my fault. It’s not like I want this either.
Even back when we were younger, he was talking about our future kids. He had grown up without a dad, so he was naturally determined to become the best father he could be, even back then. His dream was to build the perfect family he never had growing up.
I remember this one time he told me how we’d take our kids camping.
We’d roast marshmallows over the fire and make s’mores. He’d tell scary stories under the stars, and I’d laugh when they were terrified, telling them it was going to be okay because mom and dad would protect them from any monsters that dared to bother them.
But now . . . Now I know that’s not in the cards for us. Never will be.
I’d be better off forgetting Eli and finding someone else. Someone who doesn’t ever want kids.
There are plenty of guys like that, right? I’ll just . . . I don’t know, download some dating app and swipe right on all those guys, meet them one by one until I find someone with whom I can hold a conversation.
More tears leak out of my eyes at the thought of sitting across the café table from someone who’s not Eli. Having candle-lit dinners with someone who’s not Eli. Spending the night in a bed that belongs to someone who’s not Eli.
He’d probably be some corporate guy. Smooth designer suit. Fashionable necktie. Shiny, Italian-leather shoes.
I know girls who’d go crazy after guys like that. And seeing as my plan is to focus on my career, someone like that would definitely suit my lifestyle.
We’d run in the same circles. Have the same kind of jobs. Aim for the same kind of goals. Maybe we’d travel all over the world together. Take all kinds of expensive vacations.
It wouldn’t be a bad life. Wouldn’t be a bad life at all.
Hell, that would be a dream come true for a lot of girls.
Up until a few weeks ago, that was exactly my plan. I’d make myself happy with a man who’s handsome and successful. We’d take lots of fancy trips abroad, and have expensive dinners at the trendiest restaurants in town.
But . . . not anymore.
As I think about all those things now, I realize they don’t hold any appeal anymore.
I stare out the window of the moving bus as it carries me away from Ashbourne—away from Eli—and toward the city. Trees thin out, gradually replaced by buildings.
Soon enough, I’ll be back in the concrete forest that is the city where I can carry out my latest plan and get all the things I want.
Except, I don’t want to do any of those things anymore.
I don’t know when this happened.
Maybe it was when I realized Eli had given up on me just before the bus left Ashbourne.
Maybe it was when we were sitting on his couch, watching a movie with his niece.
Maybe it was when he told me he loved me.
Maybe it was when he first pointed a rifle at me at the cabin.
Maybe it was when I first saw him at the cupcake shop.
Or maybe . . . Maybe Eli has always been the one that I want. I just thought that it was impossible, that he didn’t want me.
And I settled for someone who did want me. David.
Ironically, in all those years we were apart, Eli actually did want me. He said it himself. He never even touched another girl.
And now that I’ve finally realized what I want, it’s too late. I’ve pushed him away.
But it’s okay, right? I’ve survived without Eli before. I can do it again. I could function without him.
As my mind cruelly plays back the highlight reel of my short time with Eli in Ashbourne, I realize something. Something heart-breaking. Soul-crushing.
I was never truly alive when I was away from Eli. I was just . . . functioning. I looked normal enough to the people around me, enough to not draw undue attention.
I even managed to forget what it had been like to be with Eli. I managed to fool myself into thinking it had all been youthful foolishness.
But now that I’ve tasted what it feels like to truly live again, for the second time . . . How can I forget? How can I ever forget again?
I should’ve . . . I should’ve stayed in Ashbourne. Kept my mouth shut and pretended I didn’t know about my infertility until Eli had married me. Pretended that calamitous moment in the doctor’s office had never happened.
Maybe Eli would stay with me until we’re old and grey. Perhaps we’d even be happy, even if we couldn’t fulfill every single one of our dreams, even if we’d only have our parents and Eli’s niece to keep us company.
Or maybe it would go in a completely different direction. Maybe he’d come to resent me when he inevitably found out about me keeping the truth hidden from him. I’ve never been a good liar.
No. I have to stop torturing myself with all these what-ifs. They’re useless. What good can come from obsessing about what could’ve been?
I saw the truth on Eli’s face when I told him what was wrong with me by the door of this very bus.
The shock. The disappointment. The heartbreak.
The crackle of the sound system jars me back to reality as the bus driver announces, “We’ll be arriving in San Francisco in about fifteen minutes. The weather is . . .”
I tune out at the mention of the weather. Who cares? I can look outside and figure out what the weather is like. The ground is wet but the sun is out. Judging by the kind of jackets people are wearing, it’s probably about 40 degrees outside.
I steer my thoughts toward what I’ll do as soon as I reach the station. I’ve got more pressing issues than Eli.
I’ll take a cab to the old apartment I shared with David. Pack up my things into boxes. Look at rental listings online. Make some calls to find out if my friends know of any
job vacancies that match my skill set.
At least, I’ll be busy. Hopefully, too busy to think about Eli.
The bus enters the terminal and grinds to a halt, the brake making a squeaking noise. I keep my butt on the seat as people hurriedly get up, hauling their heavy backpacks and raucous children with them.
When there’s a break in the stream of people in the narrow aisle, I follow them toward the front of the bus, hoping nobody will mistakenly grab my bag in their haste to get off the bus.
The driver glances up at me as I walk past. “Your friend should’ve joined us. There was plenty of room on the bus.”
I frown. Is he talking about Eli? A bit strange to bring that up now, even if the bus was pretty sparsely filled.
Giving him a polite smile, I head down the steps.
That’s when I realize what the driver meant.
My jaw drops. I thought I had run out of tears. But as soon as I catch sight of him, fresh tears spring to my eyes.
Green, checkered flannel shirt under a black coat.
Broad shoulders perfect for me to lean my head on.
Strong arms that make me feel like there’s no safer place in the world when I’m in his embrace.
Dark, messy hair blowing in the wind.
Bloodshot, tired eyes, darting all over the place as he cranes his neck, looking for someone. Me.
Eli.
Sophia
“Eli,” I whisper under my breath.
I’m afraid if I speak too loud, he’ll evaporate like all the Eli-shaped ghosts that have appeared in my dreams over the years. They always vanished as soon as I realized I was in yet another dream.
There’s no possible way this is real.
I’m probably already in my city apartment, lying in the bed I used to share with David. My first night in the city. I’m lonely and missing him. No wonder he’d show up in my dream.
I slowly shake my head and try to focus on the moment. I have to enjoy this dream while it lasts.
Stepping onto the vivid asphalt, I walk straight toward Eli. I’ve wasted precious time in past dreams, doing unimportant things like taking my dream-luggage from the bottom of the dream-bus. I’m not making the same mistake now.