by Tom Hansen
Finally, Mr. Clements told Mr. Reasoner that the submarine, you know, the USS Halibut, exploded when it accidently struck a jagged underwater ledge while doing training maneuvers in the Strait of Juan de Fuca. The other TV guy, Mike Wallace, got really mad at Mr. Clements and it sure sounded like he didn’t believe him. Mr. Wallace wanted to know why there were nuclear weapons on a training vessel. Mr. Clements just shrugged his shoulders and said, “No comment.”
Then Mr. Reasoner asked why news reporters weren’t allowed to speak to anyone up at Kitsap Navy Base.
Mr. Clements said that all military operations, training or otherwise, are top secret. Mr. Reasoner shook his head and said it sounded like a cover up.
Well, I’ll tell you what. Mr. Clements turned all red in the face like he was really getting mad. Then, on behalf of the president, he apologized to the Makah Indians, because I guess about fifteen of them were never found when their reservation collapsed into the ocean. He said that the president is mailing a load of taxpayer money to them so they can rebuild, but ain’t it kind of hard to rebuild when the land you own is now on the bottom of the sea?
Anyway, the Seminole Bend Gazette had to hire two more reporters because of all the crazy news going on. Then, for some unknown reason, the editor got arrested by the CIA, or something like that, and ain’t nobody ever seen him again. Mama and Daddy were telling me about that peculiar vanishing act at the kitchen table yesterday. They was saying the editor got arrested because his reporters were digging up a bunch of strange and unbelievable new evidence around town. Didn’t know that was illegal, but must be.
So, do you remember them pilots that landed those passenger jets down on the Beeline? Well, they all were flown up to Washington to meet with the president, and just like the editor, no one has seen them since. Daddy says ten or so fellas in dark blue suits went to their homes and packed up their families and sent them to somewhere nice to live. No one knew where, but my guess is that it was New York. What could be better than being a fan of both the Yankees and the Mets?
Down here in Seminole Bend, Sheriff Bonty turned into quite a nice guy. Surprising, because no one ever cared much for him before. He held a press conference at the high school football stadium a few months after things settled down that totally confused everyone who came to listen.
First, he introduced his wife and said that she had been living for quite some time over in the Middle East somewhere. Who knew? And then he called Jimmy and Jenny Jackson up on the stage to join him. In front of a thousand or so puzzled onlookers, the sheriff gave them a big hug, and dang if it didn’t look like they actually enjoyed it! Mr. Bonty then told everyone that he and his wife were going to adopt the Jackson kids now that their daddy Roy was dead. People started clapping, they sure did! Brought tears to my eyes!
I forgot to tell you about Roy Jackson, didn’t I? Well, I guess that SOB, sorry about my language, but that’s what Daddy still calls him, was fishing out in his swamp and fell out of the boat and got eaten by an alligator. Daddy and Uncle Johnny chuckled when they found out, so Mama got very upset and left the room.
By the way, you won’t believe the scandal that swept the town. Daddy said it was just rumors, but Mama claimed it was the truth. Mama said she was disgusted hearing about Coach Berry’s affair with none other than my favorite teacher of all time. Yep, Miss Norma Foss. And to top it off, Miss Foss gets herself knocked up!
But before Coach Berry hooked up with Miss Foss, his wife, Miss Sheryl, wanted to have a baby. However, Coach Berry didn’t want children. So then Coach gets a vasectomy so he can’t have no kids. Ouch! Just saying that word is painful to me! Sorry, I got sidetracked again. Anyway, Mama said that when Coach got himself “fixed”, it made Miss Sheryl real mad and she was determined to get even with her husband. So she secretly went and got herself artificially inseminated, and a short time later she was pregnant. Coach Berry assumed the vasectomy was a failure and having a child was just meant to be.
Now, this is where it gets really complicated. Miss Foss figured Coach Berry had to be the father of her child after that fling at the teacher’s conference. There was no way her husband could be the daddy because a few years earlier Jim Foss went to the doc and found out he was sterile and wasn’t able to make babies.
Miss Foss didn’t know about Coach Berry’s vasectomy. Well, it turned out that a couple of months after the baby was born the doctors gave the infant a blood test and it was the same type as Norma’s husband. Seems the sterility test he took years earlier was mixed up with some other guy’s test by a stressed out clinic laboratory nurse. The nurse later realized she had made the mistake, but didn’t tell anyone. The doctor gave the news to Norma and her hubby that they would never have any babies. The nurse kept her secret for fear of permanent unemployment. But after the blood test, she came clean. And then she was fired.
Speaking of fired, Miss Foss ain’t gonna be a teacher no more. Sheriff Bonty locked her up in the jail. The sheriff said that my former best-teacher-of-all-time tried to kill Miss Sheryl so she could have Coach Berry all to herself. Needless to say that it was like a scene from the Twilight Zone when Miss Sheryl turned up alive down at the Catholic church missing a hand!
Despite the tragic news that came out of Florida, the snowbirds continue to make their annual trek to the Sunshine State for a great climate, good fishing and fresh-squeezed orange juice. Deputy Willy Banks still runs traffic radar out in the ditch by my house. Willy’s a good guy, you know. He invited me to join him and his brothers when they go fishing next week down at Nubbin Slough. Can’t miss that. I hear the speckled perch are biting like crazy!
Oh yeah, one last thing that my friend Jesse Dagos told me on the phone. He ran into Judge Boone in BoldMart a week or so ago. The judge was buying a bunch of suitcases and beach clothes. Judge Boone used to speak to Seminole Bend Elementary School classes about how good, lawful citizens made America great, and how students should start right there and then obeying all the laws of the land. Anyway, Jesse tells me something the judge said to him that makes my hair stand up because Jesse doesn’t know what I know. I think maybe I should tell someone, but with all the terrible events that took place in my hometown, maybe it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.
Jesse, trying to be nice and make small talk because, well, that’s the kind of fella he is, asked Honorable Judge Boone if he was going to give his America Great speech to school kids anymore, and the judge shook his head no. When Jesse asked why not, he said him and his buddy were moving to some remote island down in the Caribbean to retire. Said they found a treasure chest full of money and were going to live the highlife.
I asked Jesse who the Judge’s friend was, and Jesse says, “I think he said his buddy’s name was Jack Tassett, or something like that.”
AUTHOR’S NOTE
My inspiration for writing Seminole Bend came as a result of teaching, coaching and living in the small, wonderful community of Okeechobee, Florida, shortly after graduation from college. Because my story included some wild and crazy events fictitiously taking place there, I changed the book’s title out of respect for the town and its amiable, caring citizens. Okeechobee is a prime example of Southern hospitality at its finest!
The culture of the Seminole Nation that surrounds the area is vibrant in its art, Sweetgrass basketry, beadwork, and food. A visit to the Sunshine State should include a day or two of discovering the history and traditions of this fascinating tribe.
With that said, any resemblances regarding people, places or events that were not of a historical or factual nature are purely coincidental. I also want to thank my good friend Oliver Harwas for allowing me to simulate his name as the highest-ranking villain in my story. In reality, Oliver is one of the nicest men you will ever meet! I wish he would learn how to properly place a minnow on a hook, though.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Kudos to my patient wife, Meg, for questioning, clarifying, editing, and advising while carefully reading through the manuscript.
And thanks to Luke Hansen Media for your creative direction and design of the cover!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tom Hansen is a native of New Richmond, Wisconsin. He holds a BS from the University of Wisconsin-River Falls and an MS from Nova Southeastern University. Tom has lived in or traveled to sixty-two countries and all fifty states, and now resides in Arizona. He has dedicated most of his life to the field of education as a teacher, principal or administrative director. This is his first novel.