Her Perfect

by Walls, Stephie

  “So you think Jess is trying to get lucky with one of the guys on the team?” Collin looked right at my mother with a grin the size of Texas on his face. He loved to goad her and was the only one of us who successfully got away it.

  The rest of us settled down when she gave him a disapproving glance.

  After dinner, I made sure to find out what my best friend was up to. She finally answered on the third ring when I’d almost given up.

  “Hey. What are you up to?” I didn’t want to come right out and grill her.

  “Just doing homework. You?” I could hear the television in the background and wondered how she ever got anything done with that racket.

  “I’m about to start mine.” There was a moment of silence. I doubted she recognized it between books and sitcoms. “So Caden said you hung out at the football field after school today.”

  “Oh yeah?” If I didn’t know her better, I’d say her tone was overly optimistic.

  “Were you working on a project?”

  “You could say that.”

  “…Are you going to tell me what?” The fact that I had to pry information out of her and she wasn’t forthcoming told me more than I wanted to admit.

  “I don’t know. Not really a project for school.”

  “Then what kind could it be?”

  She let out a sigh. I’d heard it before. It was the one that said I wasn’t going to like whatever came next. “Aren’t you tired of doing nothing but studying and playing the piano?”

  I didn’t respond because she wasn’t really asking me a question. This was her lead into a confession.

  “We’re seniors, Colbie. We have nothing to show for it. The two of us really have no other friends, just study buddies who want to use us to make better grades. Neither of us has ever dated or even gone to a dance, much less prom. And at the end of the year, we’re both going to separate colleges where we will be little fish in an enormous pond with zero experience.”

  Please God, no. She can’t like a football player. Anyone else. “I’m okay with that.”

  “No you aren’t or you wouldn’t have been hugged up on Dr. Paxton at Caleb’s wedding. You’re just as curious as I am. You’re just unwilling to admit it.”

  She was right about that. There was no way in hell I’d admit to having interest in my teacher who was six years older than me…and my teacher. Even before uttering it out loud, I was sure I would regret asking this question. “Who is it?”

  “Don’t get mad.”

  I was already mad.

  “Promise?”

  I refused to make a commitment I couldn’t keep. It was ludicrous to ask someone not to be upset about something when they didn’t know what it was they were agreeing to. “Sure.” Lie.

  I heard her intake of air and then the release. “Caden.”

  “As in my fifteen-year-old brother?”

  “Almost sixteen.” She took a deep breath. “He’s really sweet, Colbie.”

  “I know. He’s my brother. He’s also off limits. What are you thinking?” I didn’t have a clue when this had developed. First Caleb, and now that he was truly off the market—not that he was ever a viable candidate—Caden. Nope. “Wait. Was that why you wanted to come over after school?”

  “Not the only reason. Don’t be upset. Please.”

  “He’s my little brother, Jess. This violates every girl code on the books.”

  “I can’t help that your parents populated more than their fair share of the student body. Plus, it’s just a crush. Caden doesn’t see me as anything other than your best friend.”

  “Thank God for someone’s loyalty.”

  “You said you wouldn’t be mad!”

  “I lied.”

  Jess wouldn’t understand. She was an only child who didn’t have to compete with six other boys for attention. Sharing her with one of them was more than I could deal with.

  “That’s not fair.”

  “Neither is you scoping out my little brother. Damn, there’s no one else in the school you can follow around?” The sneer in my tone crossed a line I shouldn’t have crossed. I justified my anger and outburst even though it wasn’t warranted…not to this extreme.

  “Wow. Nice to know how you really feel.”

  “Ugh. Jess. It’s not that—”

  “Then what is it? Afraid he’ll like me better than you?” That hit landed below the belt.

  “Gross. No. I hope my brother never looks at me as a piece of ass. Thank you.”

  I waited for her comeback; however, after a couple ragged breaths, I realized the line was dead. Jess had hung up. Over my little brother. No, that wasn’t true. She’d hung up over my reaction to her lusting after my little brother. Of all people, she picked the only member of my family who knew I existed beyond the dinner table and taxi service I provided. It hurt, and I was pissed.

  I had homework to do, but there was no way I could focus with the pent-up energy surging through my veins. Instead, I quickly changed clothes, laced up my tennis shoes, and went to find solace on the pavement.

  * * *

  The sky had long since lost its color by the time I stepped foot outside. One of the benefits of living in a small town, jogging after dark or in the early morning before light was just as safe as mid-day. I knew the owner of every single house I’d pass, and if I ever had a problem, one of them could hear me yell from the sidewalk. I had no doubt there were an equal number casting judgment along with their gazes onto me from inside, but I didn’t worry about it. I found comfort in the pain of pushing my body beyond the point it wanted to go. I controlled how far, how fast, and how long, and every jog I took, I stretched for more. If nothing else, by the time I reached my doorstep, I’d be so exhausted that the argument with Jess would be a distant memory.

  But sleep evaded me that night, and fatigue clung to my soul like a monkey to a tree the next morning as I struggled through the homework I hadn’t done. When I laced up my sneakers for my morning run, my mind was foggy, and it didn’t clear by the time I got back. A shower did nothing, and the clock on the wall taunted me when my stomach growled. I hated to rush eating, and being late to school wasn’t an option, but with the weight of failure on my shoulders, I felt a binge coming on that I wasn’t certain I could stop. With a binge came a purge. Time wasn’t on my side.

  Mama had a spread on the table like she did every morning. With six growing boys, she always prepared for an army to eat. Even with three gone, she hasn’t cut back much. Eggs, bacon, biscuits, sausages, fruit…it was all there, and it ran the length of the dining room table. I hated how much I craved the fat-laden options before me. And even more that I knew how happy they’d make me, until the consequences came crashing down. I longed for that pleasure, and then I’d seek the pain.

  It was a vicious cycle, but I loved to love food and then push it away. I relished having a secret no one could take from me. Every mouthful should have been a deterrent; instead, each calorie brought me satisfaction. A smile lingered as I wrapped my lips around a forkful of eggs, and I couldn’t stop the grin when I chewed. As my stomach expanded to accommodate my happiness, peace settled my chaotic mind. I swirled the last bite of my biscuit around in the bits of food left on my plate, plopped the buttery goodness into my mouth, and then leaned back in my chair to swallow. My hands rested on my bloated belly, and I rubbed over the smooth surface of my shirt.

  But I didn’t have time to enjoy the current utopia. I hated to rush the process. As soon as the notion hit, I glanced at the clock and dread settled in with my biscuits and sausage and eggs until it gurgled and the guilt became too much to bear.

  “May I be excused? I need to go wash up before school.” I slid my chair back, not waiting for Mama’s reply.

  She blotted her mouth with a napkin—not that she had anything on it—and glanced at my brothers. None of them stopped talking or shoveling food into their mouths, so she nodded. “Of course, dear. But don’t dawdle.”

  Dawdle. I wasn’t five. I did
n’t dawdle. “Yes, ma’am.”

  As much as I wanted to race up the stairs, taking them two at a time, my mother would have a heart attack. For the boys, that was perfectly acceptable behavior—not so for a lady. I held the stair rail as I took each step with a straight spine, and the moment I passed the wall so she couldn’t see me, I raced as quietly as possible to my room. I softly closed my bedroom door, snuck into my bathroom, and then locked the door behind me.

  My ritual was as effortless as it always was and just as fruitful. Sparks of light drifted across my line of sight with each heave, my eyes watered as I released my pain, and my heart pounded with joy when I flushed the toilet. The next fifteen to twenty minutes were the moments I craved. My brain still believed I was full, I knew my stomach was empty, and the endorphins that bombarded my body had me on top of the world. I craved the pain, I loved the secret, and the control sealed my ability to make it through another day in Tiny Town.

  Whether the crash came when Jess snubbed me in the parking lot, or the snub caused the crash, I couldn’t tell. But the high I’d left the house with sent me tumbling down an emotional mountain when my best friend not only didn’t say hello in the school parking lot, but she glared at me. Worst of all, she smiled at Caden, who was oblivious to it all. He clearly didn’t have a clue that Jess and I were on the outs, nor did he appear to know the reason why. At least she’d done one thing in my favor, she hadn’t alerted my little brother to her affinity. I didn’t want to consider the possibility of his returning her ardor.

  “Hey, Cole,” Caden called after me as I raced toward the front steps of the school. “Wait up.” He grabbed my elbow when my foot landed on the stair.

  Reluctantly, I stopped and donned my best poker face. “What’s up?” I tucked my hair behind my ear and raised my brows in question.

  He jerked his head toward the direction I’d seen Jess disappear. “What’s up with you and your shadow?” Maybe he was a little more astute than I cared to give him credit for.

  With a casual shrug and a nonchalant shake of my head, I blew him off. “Nothing. Why?”

  Caden’s forehead wrinkled as he searched my face. I gave him nothing but a blank stare. Thankfully, the first bell sounded, alerting us that we had five minutes to get to our first class. I kissed my brother’s cheek and squeezed his arm. It took seconds for the crowd to sweep me away, and I didn’t look back. The less Caden knew, the better. Jess was a gorgeous girl. My brother was a good-looking guy. The age difference shouldn’t bother me, and the truth was, it didn’t. What ate at my soul and devoured my spirit was the idea of losing him to her.

  Envy.

  Greed.

  Gluttony.

  I had three of the seven deadly sins in spades, nearly halfway to hell. Envy was semantics—I was jealous. I wanted Caden to myself, and a girlfriend coupled with football would take what little time we had. The third—gluttony—didn’t need to even be addressed. My internal eye roll was strong today and even resulted in an external groan.

  I should encourage my best friend to spend time with my little brother. She was just as fabulous as he was, but I feared losing them both to each other. It didn’t matter that fear was irrational. Caden would always be my brother, and Jess should always be my best friend. If only I could force myself to dream of her being a sister by marriage, yet I couldn’t. That thought nearly had me in the bathroom, gagging. It was selfish as hell. He was mine. She was mine. Both were all I had.

  “Good morning, Colbie.”

  I nearly knocked Dr. Paxton over when I barreled into him, my eyes trained on the ground. A gasp escaped my lips when his fingers wrapped around my biceps to steady me, and when I accidentally peered into his soft brown eyes, a sigh followed. His touch shocked me, sending electric currents down my arms and straight between my legs. The path didn’t even follow logical biological direction, but it was there nonetheless. With people swimming around us like a school of fish, I had faltered far too long. His tongue snaked out, discreetly moistening his full lips, and I realized I bit my own to stifle what would have been an embarrassing groan.

  I blinked. Twice.

  And then, I regained my composure. Casually, I shrugged him off—or as casually as I could with heated cheeks and wet panties—and cleared my throat. I forced myself to straighten my spine before I spoke. “Good morning, Dr. Paxton.”

  A gentle smile crept up the corners of his mouth.

  “I’m sorry. I should’ve been watching where I was going.” I didn’t give him time to respond, because there was no response he could give that would change the way I felt about him. And it was wrong. My body should not react to a teacher—no, a man—the way it did to Eli Paxton. I’d made a fool of myself days earlier. I didn’t need to do it again. If I stood here any longer, not only would I not be able to conceal it from him, the entire student body would witness my lust. “I’ll see you in class.” I tucked my hair behind my ear and stepped around the man in my path.

  Thus far, I was less than ten minutes into my morning, and I’d already dodged two bullets. Or maybe I hadn’t missed either. I’d run into both Jess and Dr. Paxton. One wasn’t eager to see me, and I wasn’t eager to see the other. There were way too many days left in the school year to be dealing with this kind of drama. Somehow, I had to smooth things over with my best friend and squash my embarrassment over my teacher. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen during first or second period, and Jess created a divide that everyone saw in third period.

  She sat on the other side of the room. And never glanced my way.

  When Dr. Paxton opened up the discussion to the class about Stephen King’s Christine and the romantic elements of the book, what started out as a healthy banter amongst several of my classmates turned into an all-out verbal brawl between Jess and me. Somehow, she used the car in the novel as a metaphor for our relationship. Before I knew it, she was standing and yelling at me about how I’d become the possessed car in the book.

  “Whoa, ladies. Not sure what’s going on here, but let’s dial it back several notches.” Dr. Paxton stood in front of Jess, blocking my view of her.

  She was the only one shouting, yet he addressed his comment to me. His eyes pleaded with me to let it go, while his mouth blamed me. And then it clicked. Dr. Paxton believed her comments were about him, not the blowup she and I’d had about Caden. Figured, men always thought everything was about them. I rolled my eyes, crossed my arms, and turned toward the front with a huff.

  I managed to keep my mouth shut the rest of third period, and I had planned to leave without any further fanfare. I just wanted the day to end, and thus far, it wasn’t off to a great start.

  “Ms. Chapman. Ms. McLean. Can I see you both, please?” Dr. Paxton requested our presence as the rest of the class filed out after the bell. With his back to us, his voice remained stern—that no-nonsense man who’d barked at me on day one. Yet when he turned to face us, he caught Jess’s stare first and then mine. His pupils surged and the brown softened. And then it was gone. “I don’t care what cat fight the two of you had before class, you will not use third period as a verbal sparring ring. Understood?”

  Jess didn’t respond.

  I knew better. The last thing I needed was Caleb on my ass about being disrespectful, a lecture I’d probably already get based on the outburst. “Yes, sir.” I ground my teeth together as I allowed the two words to slip out, the fake smile I’d mastered years ago firmly set in place.

  Jess nodded and turned toward the door. We’d both taken a couple steps when Dr. Paxton spoke again.

  “Colbie, do you have a moment?”

  I stopped in my tracks, wondering how brazen he’d be at school. My heart raced when Jess cast an accusing glance over her shoulder. She glared at me and then at Dr. Paxton. If she only knew. Thankfully, none of her speculations had been confirmed, and she left.

  Students for his fourth period would be here soon. I checked the clock, knowing he’d make me late for my next class and that he’d seen me d
o it.

  “You want to tell me what that was about?” He had to be joking.

  We weren’t friends. He wasn’t my buddy or my boyfriend. I wasn’t about to divulge the inner workings of the teenage drama to anyone, much less him.

  “I’m not sure what you’re referring to, Dr. Paxton.” I didn’t fidget or shuffle my feet.

  His lips parted as if he were about to say something and changed his mind. Instead, he nodded toward the door, dismissing me. I didn’t dare look back, but I could feel his stare when I exited the room. I was so focused on leaving without giving anything away, that I didn’t see the train barreling toward me.

  Jess McLean was on a war path, and I stood directly in her crosshairs. If I’d ever doubted Jesus or his redemption, in that moment, He renewed my faith. Caleb Chapman stepped in front of Jess, diverting her path…for now.

  I didn’t hear a word my brother said through the ringing in my ears, and I gladly accepted his accompaniment to fourth period to vouch for my inevitable tardy. I could only hope the day got better.

  * * *

  It didn’t, and neither had the rest of the week. I wasn’t sleeping, homework was increasingly more difficult with each day that I didn’t get a decent night’s rest, my legs ached from pushing them on my morning runs, and Jess still hadn’t talked to me. She’d done a lot of glaring and even more avoiding, but after the incident in Dr. Paxton’s class, she’d kept clear.

  Walking to my car, thankful for the weekend, I caught a glimpse of her. Her long hair blew behind her as she strolled to the bleachers in front of the football field. My stomach churned, and then it nearly came out of my mouth when Caden stopped to talk to her. It was the first time I’d ever seen Jess so…vapid. My jaw dropped as she flipped her hair over her shoulder, and I saw red the moment she laid her hand on my little brother’s arm. It was classic flirting, and she was stunning. My shoulders slumped as Caden’s face lit up. When she laughed, he followed. Even from here, I witnessed the pink tinge of his cheeks and knew he was flush with excitement. I wanted to be happy. The possibility of the two people I loved most in the world coming together should excite me, but instead, it crushed what was left of a dismal week.