by Alan Brough
‘Hils. Don’t run across the street,’ I said. ‘It’s not safe.’
Hils stopped.
‘RUN,’ she shouted. ‘BEHIND YOU. RUN.’
‘WHAT? WHAT IS BEHIND PAVAROACHI?’ said Pavaroachi.
I looked behind me.
There was the Exterminator. He was angry, he was dizzy, he was limping, he was trying to scrape bugs off his face and pick cat poo out of his nose and he was still coming after us.
With his huge mallet.
I ran.
68
THE STITCH
‘Hils! I have to stop. I’ve got a stitch.’
I have never been a good runner. I think it’s because I really hate running and only ever do it if I am told to do it by a teacher.
I wish I had known that one day I would have to run a really long way really fast carrying a singing cockroach while being chased by an angry, dizzy, limping, bug and cat-poo-covered walking-mountain-man Exterminator. With a huge mallet.
If I’d known that I would have tried to be a good runner.
‘Owwwwww. It really hurts, Hils.’
I knew that being squashed with a huge mallet by an angry, dizzy, limping, bug and cat-poo-covered walking-mountain-man Exterminator was going to hurt. It was probably going to hurt to death.
But a stitch really hurts too.
Really, very, super hurts too.
‘Help, Hils. I can’t go any further.’
I looked behind me.
‘He’s going to get me, Hils. Help. HELP. HELP,’ I said.
‘HE’S GOING TO GET PAVAROACHI! HELP! HELP! HELP!’ said Pavaroachi.
‘I’ll help you,’ said Vivien.
69
THE NOSE-ALRY
There was Vivien.
She was pushing a giant nose.
It was about three metres tall and made of metal.
It had vast nostrils.
And wheels.
‘You’re pushing a giant nose,’ I said to Vivien as she pushed the giant nose up to where I had stopped.
‘Yes,’ said Vivien. ‘It’s a Nose Cannon. It shoots baby proboscis scorpions.’
‘You’ve weaponised the proboscis scorpion,’ said Hils as she arrived, panting, next to the nose. ‘Outstanding.’
‘You’ve weaponised the proboscis scorpion’ is the army way of saying, ‘You’ve taken a really dangerous insect and made it even more dangerous by making it so you can fire it out of a cannon. A cannon shaped like a nose.’
Vivien reappearing after having disappeared and then reappeared and then disappeared again was very confusing.
I felt like my brain was turning to hummus without anyone needing to rip off my arms (or legs) to do it.
‘Why are you pushing a giant Nose Cannon?’ I said. ‘Where have you been? Why are you back? Why can’t I think of any more questions to ask you even though I have tons of questions I want to ask you?’
Vivien dropped the nose backwards so the vast nostrils were pointing at the oncoming Exterminator.
She opened a small panel in the side of the Nose Cannon.
‘Arming Nose Cannon,’ she said, flicking two switches. ‘Prepare to fire.’
The Exterminator twirled his huge mallet over his head and threw it at the Nose Cannon.
‘Fire!’ said Vivien as she pressed a large red button.
The Nose Cannon fired just as the huge mallet hit the two vast nostrils and jammed into them.
The Nose Cannon did not like having a huge mallet jammed into its nostrils. It shuddered, made a really, very, super unhappy coughing sound and then exploded, sending millions of baby proboscis scorpions flying up into the air.
‘WHAT JUST HAPPENED?’ said Pavaroachi. ‘HAVE I BEEN KILLED?’
‘Hush now, Big Lucy. It’s all goin’ to be peachy,’ said Sister Roachetta, sounding a lot like she didn’t think it was all going to be peachy.
‘I KNEW IT,’ said Pavaroachi. ‘I AM GOING TO DIE. NO LONGER WILL MY VOICE THRILL MILLIONS.’
Pavaroachi started to cry.
‘Hold me?’ he said.
‘I’ll hold you, Big Lucy,’ said Sister Roachetta. ‘I’ll sing away those tears, child.’
The explosion had knocked Vivien to the ground, where she was struggling to get up.
‘Go, go,’ said Vivien weakly. ‘Get out of here.’
‘Ordinance!?’ shouted Hils.
We didn’t have any ordinance left.
No Back Blackboard Brain Breaker.
No Stinky Sandstorm.
No Doom Balloons.
No Party Pie Pack of Pain.
No!
Wait!
We did have ordinance left.
A sort of ordinance.
I thrust my hand in my pocket. It was filled with soggy used-to-be-frozen peas. But right in the middle of the soggy used-to-be-frozen peas was a small, hard lump of still-frozen peas.
The Exterminator was almost on top of us.
‘Hils!’ I said as I threw her the small lump of frozen peas. ‘Ordinance!’
She caught them, jumped forward and shoved the frozen peas straight up the Exterminator’s nose.
He was really, very, super shocked by this and because of that he took a big, quick breath in and snorted a whole lot of frozen peas further up his nose. (I have never snorted a whole lot of frozen peas up into my nose but I could tell from the Exterminator’s reaction that it wasn’t a great thing to do.)
His arms were flailing about as he desperately tried to de-snort the peas.
‘Get Pavaroachi and the Sister back to the caravan,’ said Hils. ‘If I can’t defeat the Exterminator . . . if he comes after you . . . there’s an emergency plan in the letterbox.’
Hils dodged a flailing arm and jumped onto the Exterminator’s back and started wrestling with him. I grabbed Pavaroachi and Sister Roachetta and ran as fast as I could towards the caravan.
70
THE PLAN
I got a stitch again but this time I didn’t stop running.
I sped around a corner (I’d never really sped around a corner before and it was fun, though I would have preferred not to have had to be doing it because I was being chased by a huge Exterminator.) There was Hils’s caravan sitting on the front lawn of her mum’s house.
I ran past Hils’s front fence (which needed fixing), in her front gate (which needed fixing), stuck my hand into the back of her letterbox (which needed fixing – the letterbox, not my hand), grabbed a small envelope and kept on running until I was safely hidden behind the caravan.
I opened the envelope while keeping an eye out for the Exterminator.
Opening an envelope while keeping an eye out for an Exterminator was a lot more difficult than I’d hoped it would be.
Inside the envelope was a letter.
I read the first page.
Hello Charlie,
Don’t panic, but if you are reading this then I am probably dead.
Was she dead? Hadn’t I just seen her alive?
I panicked.
I looked at the letter.
I said don’t panic.
‘Sorry, Hils,’ I said.
It is important you read these instructions carefully and follow them exactly. Now turn the page.
I turned the page.
MAIN FORWARD DEFENCES
These Forward Defences should be all you require to protect you against any sort of hostile.
Here is what you will need to do.
I read what I needed to do.
I read it again.
I turned the page.
THE LAST RESORT
If the Forward Defences don’t work then you will need to resort to the Last Resort.
Here is what you will need to do
I read what I needed to do.
I read it again.
I was about to read it again again when, out the corner of my eye, I saw the Exterminator stomping down the street, scanning each house in his search for me and the singing cockroaches.
‘Sister Roachetta.
Pavaroachi,’ I said. ‘I have to go and make something loud and dangerous happen. I’m going to leave you here, behind the caravan. You’ll be safe. I’ll be back soon.’
I didn’t know if they would be safe.
I didn’t know if I would be back soon.
‘Godspeed, child,’ said Sister Roachetta.
‘Why was I born?’ said Pavaroachi, sobbing. ‘Why was Pavaroachi even born?’
I moved out from behind the caravan and walked down to the front gate. At the bottom of one of the gateposts was a switch.
I flicked it up.
A small, red light flashed.
So far, so good.
Now for the part I really, very, super didn’t want to do.
‘HEY, YOU!’ I shouted at the Exterminator.
He turned around. He saw me.
‘BET YOU CAN’T CATCH ME!’
I bet he could catch me.
He bet he could catch me. He bet it so much that he immediately started running towards where I was standing.
He got closer.
Hils had told me to wait.
Closer.
Hils had told me to wait. Longer.
Closer.
Hils had told me to wait. Even longer.
Too closer. Too, too closer.
I turned and ran for the caravan.
‘I REALLY HOPE THIS WORKS, HILS!’ I shouted as the traps started going off.
71
THE BOOBY
Hils had set a series of booby traps in her front garden. The same ones she had offered to put into my house.
As the Exterminator ran through the front gate he set off the first one: the ‘Arr-arr-grr-owwwwwwwww-wwwwwwww-ooo-ooo-pooouuuuuuurrrrrr!’
It worked.
‘Arr-arr-grr-owwwwwwwwwwwww-wwww-ooo-ooo-pooouuuuuuurrrrrr!’ yelled the Exterminator.
I was hiding behind the caravan so I couldn’t see what the trap was doing to make the Exterminator yell, ‘Arr-arr-grr-owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww-ooo-ooo-pooouuuuuuurrrrrr!’
It can’t have been good, though.
The Exterminator sprang the second trap: the ‘No-no-no-fffff-ffff-ahhhhhhhhhhhh-aaarrrrr-fuuuuuufff!’
‘No-no-no-fffff-ffff-ahhhhhhhhhhhh-aaarrrrr-fuuuuuufffff!’ yelled the Exterminator.
The third trap was the ‘Please-no-aaaiiieeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeee-eeeeeee-eeeee-ee-e-grrroooggggg!’
Sure enough, as soon as the Exterminator set it of he yelled, ‘Please-no-aaaaaaaaaa-aaaiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeee-eeeeeee-eeeee-ee-e-grrroooggggg!’
I glanced out from behind the caravan. The Exterminator was on all fours crawling along the ground towards where I was hiding.
He sprang the last booby trap.
The ‘Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-no-no-not-again-aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.’
The Exterminator yelled, ‘Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-no-no-not-again-aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.’
Then there was silence.
A lot of silence.
I glanced out.
The Exterminator was lying, face down, on the ground.
Not moving.
72
THE RELIEF
I watched the Exterminator for a few minutes.
He continued to be not-moving.
We had beaten him.
Well, I had beaten him.
Well, Hils and I had beaten him.
Well, Hils and Vivien and I had beaten him.
We had beaten him.
I picked up Sister Roachetta and Pavaroachi.
I walked out from behind the caravan.
‘Sister Roachetta. Pavaroachi. It’s all right. Look,’ I said, pointing to the unconscious Exterminator. ‘He’s not going to hurt you now. We’ll go back and make sure Hils and Vivien are okay and then we’ll get you somewhere safe.’
‘Praise you, child,’ said Sister Roachetta. ‘Praise you.’
‘Now can I get my massage?’ said Pavaroachi.
‘NO! NOW YOU CAN GET SQUASHED!’
said the Exterminator as he started to drag himself up off the ground.
‘AHHHHHHHHHHH!’ I said.
‘AHHHHHHHHHHH!’ said Pavaroachi.
‘AHHHHHHHHHHH!’ said Sister Roachetta.
73
THE EFFORT
The Forward Defences hadn’t worked.
I needed to use the Last Resort.
I just hoped I could do it.
said the Exterminator, getting himself into a standing position ready to squash us all.
‘SAVE ME. SAVE PAVAROACHI!’
‘SAVE US, CHILD!’
‘I’M TRYING!’
I was trying.
I was really trying.
Well, the first thing I was really trying to do was remember Hils’s instructions.
I ran to the side of the caravan and grabbed hold of the triangular bit that you attach onto the back of the car when you want to tow a caravan. Hils had instructed me to pick it up. I knew I wouldn’t be able to pick it up. I tried to pick it up. I did pick it up. It was really heavy but I did pick it up.
The next thing I had to do was turn the caravan around so the opposite end of the caravan from where I was standing was facing the Exterminator.
I always had trouble opening the jam jar so I knew I wouldn’t be able to turn the caravan. I tried to turn it. I did turn it. The caravan started moving.
I caught a glimpse of the Exterminator. He was moving as well. He’d moved himself into a standing position. He was swaying wildly, but he was standing.
I moved the caravan enough so that the end furthest away from me was facing the Exterminator.
I looked down at the triangular, attaching-to-the-car bit. There was the lever Hils had written about.
I pulled it.
The caravan gave a great shudder, then the end facing the Exterminator flicked up and open like the bonnet of a car.
There was the other lever Hils had told me about.
I pulled it.
The whole caravan gave another great shudder and made a huge spring-being-pulled-back noise.
‘FIRE IN THE HOLE!’ I shouted.
I didn’t know whether that was the right thing to shout but I couldn’t think of anything else.
One more thing to do.
I pushed both the levers back in.
74
THE SINK
Hils had turned her entire caravan into a weapon.
Everything in the caravan had a powerful spring under it. The fridge, the TV, the shower, the toilet, the table, the special box for Hils’s My Little Ponies, the sink.
When I pushed both the levers in together, the springs went off and everything in the caravan went flying out the hole in the end and straight towards the Exterminator.
Flying out of the caravan really, very, super fast.
Towards the Exterminator really, very, super fast.
Before he could move he got hit with a flying fridge.
A flying TV.
A flying shower.
A flying toilet.
A flying table.
A flying special box for Hils’s My Little Ponies.
And a flying sink.
75
THE AFTERMATH
If I had been hit by a flying fridge, a flying TV, a flying shower, a flying toilet, a flying table, a flying special box for Hils’s My Little Ponies and a flying sink, I think I would have been as completely unconscious as the Exterminator.
Actually, I probably wou
ld have been a lot more unconscious.
76
THE DEPARTED
Hils and Vivien came limping in the front gate. I was happy to see them. Especially Hils.
The entire front lawn was covered in the contents of Hils’s caravan.
I picked up a My Little Pony and handed it to her.
‘I had to use the Last Resort,’ I said.
‘Affirmative.’
‘It was really, very, super amazing,’ I said.
Hils smiled.
Really, very, super smiled.
‘Affirmative.’
‘Vivien,’ I said. ‘Are you going to be all right?’
‘Yes,’ said Vivien.
‘Good,’ I said. ‘Because there are a few things I need to ask you. WHERE DID YOU DISAPPEAR TO THE FIRST TIME AND THEN WHY DID YOU REAPPEAR THE FIRST TIME AND WHERE DID YOU DISAPPEAR TO THE SECOND TIME AND THEN WHY DID YOU REAPPEAR THE SECOND TIME PUSHING A GIANT NOSE CANNON AND WHY CAN’T I THINK OF MORE QUESTIONS IS IT BECAUSE MY BRAIN HAS TURNED TO HUMMUS AND DON’T TRY AND GO BACK TO YOUR HOUSE BECAUSE IT IS BEING GUARDED BY VIOLENT CANNON-TOTING ANTELOPES THOUGH YOU HAD A HUGE NOSE CANNON SO I SUSPECT YOU KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF ALL SORTS OF DIFFERENT VIOLENT ANIMALS EVEN IF THEY DO HAVE CANNONS AND I CAN’T STOP SOMEONE HAS TO STOP ME PLEASE STOP ME HILS PLEASE STOP ME . . .’
‘HALT!’ said Hils.
‘Thank you.’
‘I have to go. I’ve got a lot of things to take care of,’ said Vivien. ‘But this should answer all your questions.’
She handed me a small book:
‘Thanks,’ I said.
‘Thank you,’ said Vivien. ‘Goodbye.’
‘Bye,’ I said.
‘Dismissed,’ said Hils.
Hils and I stood and watched as Vivien walked out the front gate and off down the street.
ANSWERS TO ALL THE
QUESTIONS YOU HAVE