“Where did you meet Kathryn?”
“At church. She started coming with a bunch of girlfriends. I think in hindsight she only came because they told her there were a lot of guys there. I remembered her from school, and we hit it off, but I think she chased me more than I chased her. She gave her heart to the Lord just like everybody did back then, but later I wondered if she really understood what she’d done. Her faith, now I think of it, was quite shallow. She was always asking God to give her things. I can’t remember her ever thanking Him for saving her.”
The sun dropped behind a tall building, casting a long shadow on the beach.
Ben glanced at his watch. “Look at the time. How did that go so quickly?”
“Guess it’s the old saying, ‘time flies when you’re having fun’.” Tessa laughed lightly and flashed him a playful smile.
“Yes, you’re probably right. Shall we head back?”
“A pity to leave, but I guess so.”
“How about we grab fish and chips on the way home?”
“Sounds great. I’m not in a hurry to get back.”
By the time they’d eaten dinner and driven back to Tessa’s cottage, darkness was descending on the city. Having spent most of the day talking, on the way home they listened to Chris Tomlins’s latest album, much to Jayden’s annoyance. He stuck his earplugs in.
“Thank you for a lovely day, Ben.” Tessa reached out and squeezed Ben’s hand. The whole day they’d avoided touching each other apart from when they’d rubbed suntan lotion onto each other’s backs, but now Ben’s warm hand was in hers, she struggled to let go. Her flesh tingled as he returned her squeeze and gazed into her eyes.
“Let’s do it again, Tess, and soon.” He leaned forward and kissed her cheek.
Tessa closed her eyes as his lips lingered on her skin. “Yes, let’s.”
Chapter 18
Ben was quietly reading his Bible at the kitchen table the next morning. Jayden had surprised him by saying he’d cook breakfast. Now, the waffles Jayden had whipped up sat on the counter while he made coffee.
“Do you want whipped cream with your waffles?” Jayden asked as he put two lumps of sugar into Ben’s favourite mug and began stirring.
“No, just syrup, thanks.” Ben closed his Bible and set it aside.
“We’ve only got triple berry fruit syrup.”
“That's fine. I take it you grew tired of my cooking.” Ben raised his eyebrow and grinned playfully as Jayden set two plates on the table. “I don't blame you. I'm not much of a chef.”
Jayden rolled his eyes. “No offense, Dad, but you're not even a little bit of a chef. Nearly everything you make tastes like cardboard. Maybe you should ask Tessa's mum to teach you to cook. Dinner at their house was the first time we’ve had a proper home-cooked meal in forever.”
“Maybe I will.”
“Are you going to ask Tessa to marry you?” Jayden’s eyes narrowed. “I saw you kiss her.”
“I do like her. But no, we’re just friends. But what do you think of her?”
Jayden shrugged, as if he didn’t care. “Guess she’s alright, but…” Jayden stopped short and lowered his eyes.
“It’s all right, son. Nothing’s going to change in a hurry. Anyway, we’d better get ready for church.”
“I don’t want to go, Dad.”
“Why not?”
“Just don't like going. It's boring and I’ve got better things to do. Seems like a waste of time.”
“I remember feeling like that myself when I was young. Sometimes I still do.” Ben placed his mug on the table. “If I were honest, I’d probably rather play a round of golf or take the boat out for a sail, but I believe that going to church and worshipping God with other believers is more important. I know it’s hard to understand, especially at your age, but it’s important. Real important.”
Jayden slunk back in his chair and crossed his arms.
Ben’s heart ached for Jayden. It’d be so easy to let him stay home, but if he did, that would just be the start. No, Ben couldn’t give in.
“Come on Jayden. Don’t make it difficult. I’ll clear the dishes while you get ready.”
Jayden gave him a filthy look, but stood and dragged himself up the stairs.
Ben and Jayden slipped into a back pew of the church. After a few songs, Pastor Petersen stood up to preach. It seemed fitting that his sermon was about new beginnings. Ben prayed God would speak directly into Jayden’s heart, but Jayden sat low in the pew with his arms crossed. Strange he’d chosen to stay in church and not go to the youth program. But was he listening?
The Scripture passage Pastor Petersen read from was Isaiah 43:18-19: “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
He closed the Bible and looked out at the congregation. “Isaiah wrote this to the children of Israel when they were going through a dark and difficult time. They’d lost everything, they’d been removed from their own homes, and they were in captivity in a strange land. God wanted to do a new thing with the children of Israel then, but what now?” Pastor Petersen paused, casting his gaze around the congregation. “Maybe you’re going through a difficult season. If so, be assured that God wants to do a new thing in your life too. But to accept the new thing God wants to do, you must stop looking behind and start looking ahead.”
Ben touched the indent on his ring finger, a constant reminder of the past. If he could, he would remove it in an instant.
“You can't allow past victories to validate you. You can't allow past failures to define you. God says to 'forget the former things; do not dwell on the past'. He doesn’t condemn you for the negative things in your past. You can’t do anything to change them. Instead, God offers you hope and forgiveness, and a fresh chance to start over.”
“Amen,” Ben said quietly. It was just as Stephanie had told him to do in their last meeting: leave the past in the past, accept the present, and look forward to the future. Kathryn was part of his past, and he was now convinced God wanted to do a new thing in his life. He couldn't help but wonder if Tessa was a part of that new thing.
“A second thing you must do to accept the new thing that God wants to do in your life is to start seeing yourself as God sees you,” Pastor Petersen said. “Perhaps you’ve lost your job, perhaps your marriage isn’t what it should be, perhaps you’re struggling financially. You may feel that God is disappointed in you, but He's not. You may feel that God doesn't want to have anything to do with you, but nothing could be further from the truth. Romans 8:1 says there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
Ben felt the Lord touching his heart. Yes, he had thought God was disappointed in him. He thought he’d failed and had let God down.
“The third thing you must do to accept the new thing that God wants to do in your life is to commit, or recommit, yourself to Him. God won't force His new thing on you. If you refuse His offer of a fresh chance, then your life will remain a wasteland. God has a wonderful plan for your life - will you choose to follow Him?”
As Pastor Petersen prayed aloud over the entire congregation, Ben bowed his head and talked silently to God, promising to do just that. He asked God to give him the faith and courage to love and trust again. And to forgive.
The last song the church congregation sang was the old hymn “It Is Well with My Soul”. The tune stayed with Ben on his drive back home. He thought about the lyrics over and over again. After a long period of agitation and restlessness over Kathryn's leaving, peace like a river finally came his way. He didn’t know what was ahead, but whatever the future held, it was well with his soul. Glancing at Jayden, Ben prayed it would be well with his son’s soul too.
Chapter 19
“Our last meeting!” Stephanie said as Ben entered her office a week and a bit later.
“I don't mean to be rude, but I'm glad, actually.” Ben lowered h
imself into the armchair opposite Stephanie’s desk and glanced at the drawn blinds.
Stephanie followed Ben’s gaze. “I don't care for wet, grey days.”
Ben turned to face her. “I’m glad this is it. Not because I don’t want to see you. But I do believe I’ve worked through my issues and I’m good to go.”
“I'm so glad to hear that, Ben,” Stephanie said, smiling warmly at him. “But before we finish up, let’s recap so you can fully appreciate the progress you’ve made. It’ll also help me do my final report.” She clicked her pen as she winked at him.
“When you first came in, you were closed and depressed. And lonely. You were grieving, but didn’t know it. You were angry and bitter, and confused. Basically, you were showing almost all the initial stages of grief at the same time.”
“And I was on antidepressants.”
“Yes, you were.” Stephanie leaned back in her chair and looked at Ben thoughtfully. “I’m guessing you’re not on them anymore?”
“No. Stopped taking them a couple of weeks ago.”
“That’s good to hear. Much better not to take them if you don’t need to. So, I think you’re at Stages six and seven of the grief process, but I’d like to go through the middle stages with you before we talk about exactly where you’re at if you don’t mind.”
Ben leaned forward and let out a frustrated sigh. “Do we have to? I’d really like to move on if we can. Just this past week I’ve had some major breakthroughs, and I’d prefer to talk about them rather than rehash things that aren’t relevant anymore.”
“I’m sorry Ben. I was just following procedures - I should have listened more. By all means, please tell me what’s happened. I’d love to hear.” Stephanie placed her pen on the desk and closed her notebook. “I’m all ears. Over to you.”
Ben took a slow breath and sat back in his chair. He glanced at the drawn blinds. “Do you mind if we open them? I’d rather see the sky, even if it’s grey.”
“No problem.” Stephanie stood and opened the blinds, revealing dark grey storm clouds. Flashes of lightning split the sky in the distance, and at any moment the clouds could open and release the torrential rain that had been forecast.
Ben stared out at the sky for a moment and allowed his mind to steady. Where should he start? So much had happened over the past couple of weeks. This was almost more for his own benefit than Stephanie’s. But having her here in front of him would make him verbalise the feelings in his heart, and he needed to do that. To put some order into the myriad of feelings that had been swirling around over the past weeks. Ben turned his head and cleared his throat.
“When Kathryn and I married, I took our wedding vows very seriously. I’d never thought the day would come when those vows would mean nothing. Finding out she was with that golfer confirmed I’d failed her. She obviously needed more attention than I could give her.” Ben paused and inhaled slowly. “When we first started going out, we used to do fun things together.” He looked up and met Stephanie’s gaze. “I even surprised her with a trip to Paris not long after we were married. But when Jayden came along, I think I took the responsibility of being a father and a provider a little too seriously, and rather than focusing on being there to support her physically and emotionally, I concentrated on supporting her financially, and ended up spending too much time at work.”
Ben and Stephanie both jumped as a clap of thunder boomed outside.
“Where was I? Oh, that’s right…I obviously missed all the cues that she was unhappy. She didn’t want any more children. I thought it was because she’d had such a difficult pregnancy, but now I think it was because she didn’t want to be tied down to what she perceived to be a normal boring life. Maybe if I’d been more aware I could have changed things.” He paused and glanced out the window before returning his gaze to Stephanie. “It was too late to do anything by the time she walked out.” He drew a deep breath.
“The divorce no longer dominates my mind. I’ve gotten used to the fact that Kathryn isn’t coming back and I’ll be living the rest of my life without her. Accepting that has lifted a great weight off my shoulders, if you know what I mean. There isn't any speculation about whether or not she’s coming back. She isn’t. And I no longer have anxiety about where she is or what she’s doing. I do feel bad that I let her down, however.”
Stephanie went to speak, but Ben lifted his hand.
“My main priority now is Jayden. A lot of people are surprised Kathryn didn’t take him with her. To be honest, I don’t know what I would’ve done if she had. He’s my life, and I love him with all my heart. I just wish I could help him more. Occasionally he opens up a little and talks about it, but mainly he just holds it all in. Much like I did, I guess. I pray for him every day. And I pray that God will give me wisdom in dealing with him. The last thing I want is for him go off the rails, but I can’t even imagine what he’s feeling. I try to think how I would’ve felt if my own mother had just up and left without saying anything. I think it’d be the hugest kick in the guts anyone could get. I try to show him how much I love him and how much he means to me every day, but I don’t think it’s enough. Bindy’s helped, but even she isn’t enough.” Tears stung his eyes, and he looked away.
Stephanie leaned forward and handed him a tissue. “Ben, Jayden’s lucky to have you as his Dad.” Her voice was soft and caring. “I’m sure he knows how much you love him and that you’ll never let him down. But yes, I agree, he needs more than that. He needs to know God’s love and healing power in his life. He would definitely still be feeling unloved and rejected by his mother, and it’s such a hard age. Encourage him to talk to someone. I know he won’t at the moment, but let’s pray he will sometime soon.”
“Yes.” Ben drew in a deep breath and steadied himself. “So, all of this leads me to the past week or so. I’d been struggling to hear God’s voice through my anger and depression. After Kathryn left, I kept going to church, but I wasn’t really open to hearing from God, especially in the early days. I just wanted Him to bring her back. But recently I started to pray more than ever before. I guess because I knew deep down that only God could fix things properly, and I needed to hear from Him. My main prayer was for God to give me peace to accept the things I couldn’t change, and strength to be the best father I could be to Jayden.” Ben paused and lifted his gaze to meet Stephanie’s. “These counselling sessions have helped me see that even when life doesn’t turn out as planned, God can still work things out for good. I just need to be patient and learn to trust Him.”
Ben took a breath and glanced out the window as rain started pelting against the glass, causing a deafening din. He spoke louder just to be heard. “Last Sunday at church, I recommitted my life to God, and I know He has a new thing planned for my life, and I’m really looking forward to it.”
“That's wonderful, Ben.” Stephanie’s smile was genuine and warm. “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who’ve been called according to His purpose.” She leaned forward. “As a Christian Social Worker, one of my main goals is to help people realise the help and the hope that’s available to all of us in God when we go through hard times.”
Stephanie leaned back and crossed her arms. “I'm so glad our time together has helped, Ben, despite our rocky start.” She raised her eyebrows, a playful grin growing on her face before adopting her professional manner again. She drew a deep breath and sat straighter. “When you first came into my office, I sensed you were full of self-doubt and were suffering from a poor self-image. I think you really believed you’d failed as a husband and as a father. But God doesn’t condemn you, Ben.” Her voice softened, and her gaze settled on Ben’s. “Your worth as a man isn’t in how good - or even in how bad - you consider yourself to be as a husband or father. Your worth is found in Christ, and in Him alone.”
“Amen for that!” Ben’s voice was lighter, as was his heart as he recalled Pastor Petersen’s words; ‘There’s no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.’
Stephanie smiled broadly. “You seem so much more hopeful and positive, Ben. I really do wish you all the best. We’ve had some journey, haven’t we? I have to say you tested me at the beginning, but I’ve learned a lot too, so thank you, Mr Williams.”
Ben stood and shook her hand. “Thank you too, Ms Trejo.” Ben’s grin grew wide as the realization he’d finally reached the end of his formal sessions sank in. “I guess we can stop this formal stuff now and just be friends. “We might be seeing more of each other from now on anyway.”
“No! Really? Are you and Tess formally dating?”
Ben’s grin expanded into a sheepish smile. “Not yet, but I’m hoping she’ll agree when I see her this afternoon. We’ve spent this whole past week and a bit talking, and I think she might finally be ready to become more than just friends.”
“I hope so, Ben. You two will make a great couple.”
“And of course, you had no little hand in it yourself?”
Stephanie let out a small laugh and slapped him gently on the back as she peered along the empty corridor. “Let’s keep that a secret, shall we?”
Ben lifted his index finger to his lips. “My lips are sealed.”
“Thank-you, Ben. See you soon.”
Ben stopped by Hungry Jack's to pick up burgers, fries, and sundaes for Jayden and his friends who’d come over again after school. He was waiting in the drive-thru for the order to be brought out when his phone rang. Jayden’s friend, Neil, was on the other end, sounding hysterical. “Mr Williams, something's wrong with Jayden.”
“What do you mean ‘something's wrong’?” Ben’s heart raced. What could possibly have happened?
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