by Mia Madison
“No,” she says, finally looking at me. “I'm not really mad.”
“You could have fooled me.” It's just like one of those times when women say they're fine when they're anything but. Now she's mad but she's not really. Fucking complicated.
“It was nice you wanted to help even if I didn't need it,” she says.
“Hey.” I pull her to me because complicated or not I can't resist kissing her goodnight. The dogs nuzzle our legs and get their leads tangled up around us as we kiss.
“Why don't you come inside. It's cold out there. Oh...” Gemma's mother stops mid-sentence when she opens the door to find it's not Vince Gemma has come back with but me. I'm not sure if she knows I'm Katie's dad.
“Oh,” she says. “You had better come in.”
“The dogs are a bit muddy,” Gemma says. “We'll go around the back and leave them in the kitchen.”
Gemma's face is a picture of comic dismay and she makes throat slashing motions.
“This is not going to be fun,” she murmurs. “Ever been part of the Spanish Inquisition? Because it would have been good training.”
I introduce myself when we’re inside, holding out my hand. “Ben Clark,” I say.
“I know who you are,” Mrs. Taylor says, barely taking my hand. She offers me coffee but her tone is anything but polite. Her husband is nowhere to be seen but she doesn't seem to need reinforcements.
“What happened to Vince?” she asks Gemma. “What is going on?”
“He wants to get back together. I told him I wasn't interested and left him at the pub.”
“So, what changed your mind? One minute you're crying over him. The next you're not interested.” She looks at me. “Is he why you broke up?”
“No. Vince told me it was over in the car before the accident. I told you that. That's why he disappeared while I was in hospital. He's just changed his mind now. Probably because he hasn't found anyone else in London. I just sent him away.”
“And where does Katie's dad come into all this? Because I ran into Stephanie at the supermarket today. She hinted she and Ben were getting back together. I thought I might see you back in the cul-de-sac, Ben, but not with Gemma.” Mrs. Taylor screws up her face like the whole thing is distasteful.
“Don't look like that, Mum. This has nothing to do with Stephanie,” Gemma says.
“I hope so, but you're far too young for this...this relationship.”
“You mean for me, Mrs. Taylor,” I say.
“If you put it like that yes, I think so. Gemma is only twenty-one. She has her whole life ahead of her. And you are what?”
“Thirty-seven.”
“Thirty-seven? You had Katie at sixteen?”
“Yes. Far too young. Far too young for parenthood, and far too young for marriage. But we did it anyway, because it seemed like the right thing to do and we thought we knew what we were doing.”
“No child knows that at sixteen. Your parents allowed it?”
“They were all for it, especially Stephanie’s. It wasn't right for any of us really, not me, not Stephanie and not Katie, but we were too young to know it. Stephanie seems to be under the illusion that it would be a good idea to get back together, but I don't. We wouldn't get on now, just like we didn't back then. And if she remembered that she wouldn't be throwing hints around the supermarket.”
“But what kind of man were you, to leave her with a young child?” It seems Mrs. Taylor is quick to judge.
“The kind of man who loved his daughter but not his wife. The kind who married too young. The kind of man whose wife left him to marry a lawyer with money and a big house rather than sticking with the father of her child in their tiny studio apartment, the most his parents could set them up in until he was old enough to apply to be a firefighter.”
“Well, I don't know that any of that makes you right for Gemma.”
I can see Gemma cringing out of the corner of my eye. I'm not feeling wholly comfortable myself. She wasn't wrong about the Spanish Inquisition.
But fuck, I've had enough of this. I want to yell but I force myself to be as polite as this woman is on the surface. She’s Gemma's mother after all. How bad can she be? “No, none of that makes anything right, Mrs. Taylor. What makes this right is that I love your daughter.”
Gemma looks at me. Her eyes are like saucers. She's as surprised as me. It's only when the words come out of my mouth that I realize I do love her. But I know we have a long way to go to prove to others and even ourselves that's the case, and I don't even know what Gemma thinks about me.
“You love her?” Mrs. Taylor looks skeptical.
“I do.” I reach out and grasp Gemma's fingers and squeeze them. I don't know which way the inquisition...er...conversation is going to go now.
“What about you, Gemma?” Mrs. Taylor asks.
Now comes the crunch. I don't know what Gemma is going to say. I hold my breath.
“I think I love him too.” She looks at me and smiles. This is too big a moment to be happening in front of her mother. The dogs are causing a racket in the kitchen but not as much as the racket beating in my chest.
“It wasn't so long ago you had nothing in your head but running off to London with Vince,” Gemma's mother says to her. “How can you have changed your mind so quickly? This is just crazy.”
“It might be fast, Mum but it just happened. We can't help it.”
“I just hope you know what you're doing, the pair of you. Your father is not going to like it. The age gap is...”
“It's only sixteen years, Mum. It's not that big a deal. And anyway, it's not going to change anything right now, if it makes you feel easier. We aren’t going to rush into anything.”
“Well see that you don't. I think you'd better take your dog home, Ben, before there's a riot in the kitchen.”
I leave them there in the living room. Gemma gives me a shy smile. I don't believe I told her I love her and she said the same back and I can't kiss her but her mother is looking daggers at me. I expect she'll give Gemma a harder time of it after I go. Shit!
I gather up Sullivan. He looks reproachfully at me as I take him away from his new friend. “I know exactly how you feel, Sully,” I tell him.
I send Gemma a text as soon as I get outside.
CHAPTER 13
Gemma
Ben writes:
“You. Me. 6pm tomorrow. Meet you at the bridge. Bring warm clothing. Dog optional love You Ben X”
I think I'll save that message forever.
But when I turn up at the bridge the next day after work, it's Katie who shows up. I just left her an hour ago at the bakery, our first day back after Christmas. We were run off our feet but when she asked about the holiday I couldn't tell her much. Fuck! Does she know? She's frowning at me.
“Dad sent me to meet you. I was calling him when he had to go—some big fire in Blackbridge and they called in volunteers. He didn't want to leave you waiting. What's going on between you and Dad, Gemma?”
“A fire? What kind of fire? Is he in danger?” I'm worried what I'll say to Katie but I'm more worried about Ben. I can't breathe. I can hardly stand. Bertie is pulling at the lead. “Please take him. I can't...I can't...” Just as well I'm leaning against the bridge, the cold stone wall is the only thing that feels solid right now.
“I can't believe you kept this from me. You knew my mum and Dad were getting back together.”
“I'm sorry, Katie, but your dad. What's happening to your dad?”
“Shit! You do care about him, don't you? I thought you might just be using him to cheer yourself up after Vince. I blamed myself for sending you to the fire station. I should have known you're not like that. I don't know what's going on with the fire. It's always like that, the not-knowing. But somehow he's always okay.”
“How do you stand it?”
“You just have to, if you love him. It's what he is—a firefighter. There's no getting away from that.”
“Too late. I already love him.”<
br />
“Fuck, Gemma. This is weird.”
“Yes. Everyone is against it. Mum and Dad. You. I don't even trust my own judgement since Vince. How could I have been so wrong about him? He broke my heart and yet when I saw him yesterday, I didn't want him back.”
“You saw Vince yesterday? You didn't say. What else is going on you're not telling me?”
She looks at me like she doesn’t know me anymore. I feel terrible for hurting Katie but I can't think straight right now.
“Never mind that now,” she says. “Let me take you home. If this is serious, I'm shit-scared Dad will hurt you just like Vince. He's never had a relationship that lasted. I'm scared this one won't be any different. At least with my mother, they knew what they were getting.”
“I think I already know.”
“You might think you do, but I'm still afraid for you. Afraid if you get hurt again hot on the heels of Vince you might never get over it, and I hated to see you in pain.”
I give her a hug. “I recovered, didn't I?”
“Out of the frying pan into the fire, I'd say. But what the heck. I can't say I'm unhappy to see you feeling better, just not over the moon about who you decided to recover with. I worry about him too. I worry every time I find out he's gone out to a fire but I'm used to it. He has always come home but look at the state of you with one fire. How will you cope with all the fires there are?”
By the time she takes me home, Ben has texted both of us to say he's okay. There's more work to do but the danger is over. I don't know how I will ever be able to deal with this on a regular basis. Katie's right. Am I strong enough for it? But I only have to think about not seeing Ben again and I know no matter what, I can't give him up.
CHAPTER 14
Ben
I don't get home until midnight. Gemma's car is outside my house and I find her sitting in my kitchen with a glass of water.
“I had to see you,” she says. “To know you're safe.”
“I'm safe. No problem.” I smile at her. Even though I'm wrecked it's lovely to see her.
I swoop down and kiss her. I only intended it to be a brief “happy to see you” greeting but once our lips touch, something takes over and I end up sitting beside her at the table and somehow that glass of water gets knocked over and neither of us notices until the cold liquid is dripping off the table onto us.
“Oops, I'll get a cloth,” I say. “And a towel for your clothes. Take about pouring cold water on things.”
She laughs but then her face turns serious. “I saw Katie. She thinks you're dangerous for me. Because you might leave me. Same as Vince. She says that I wasn't much fun to be around after Vince and I broke up and I don't think she wants to see me like that again in a hurry.”
“I'm not going to leave you.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“I just am. But can we talk about this tomorrow? I'm dead beat. I want to kiss you. And watch you come. And fuck you until you can't come any more and wake up with you in the morning and do it all again. But right now I think I'll sleep as soon as my head touches the pillow. Do you want to stay with me tonight?”
“I can't stay. I promised Mum I'd go home.”
“Is she still trying to put you off me too? It sounds like there's a whole herd of doubters we have to deal with.”
“Yes, she's like a broken record. Blah blah blah.”
“And is her broken record tactic working? Are you starting to believe it? Because I wouldn't blame you if you were having second thoughts. This has been so fast.”
“It has, hasn't it? But it doesn't matter.”
“It's just that I don't want to push you into anything you're not ready for. If you want a chance to think about it for a while, that's okay. This whole thing is overwhelming, I get that, so if you want to cool it for a while I'd understand...”
Fuck, what am I saying? Why don't I just shut up now? There's no way I want to give Gemma up, I just don't want her to feel pressured into anything. Pressure cooker romances are no use at all. Stephanie and I had that and it blew up in my face.
“You want to cool it?” Gemma looks hurt. After everything we’ve said and done tonight and over the past few days, all she got from everything is that I want to cool it?
“Fuck, that's not what I mean. I mean I don't want you to feel any pressure. You don't have to make up your mind about whether you want this or you don't want this like it's a life and death decision.” I smile at her trying to lighten things. “I've had enough of them tonight. Let's not take another one after midnight.”
“The trouble is, Ben...the trouble is...that I don't need to think about it and suddenly you're pulling back. It's you who needs to think about it not me, isn't it? It's you who wants to cool things.”
“No Gemma, it's not that at all.” But she snatches herself away and she's out of the door and into her car before I can catch her. She didn't even stop to grab her coat.
I hammer on the side window of her car in desperation. “No, Gemma. Don't go!” But she's gone. I should go after her but I don't think it will do any good. Not now. Not with her mother there interfering. It's better to talk it through with Gemma when we're both less emotional, less tired.
So I text her instead. “I love you. We'll talk tomorrow. I promise. I'm anything but cool around you.” There's no reply as I sink into bed, exhausted. But it will be fine. I know it once we talk.
*
In the morning, Katie comes around on her way to the bakery. I'm just up. I was so exhausted I slept through everything despite waking up feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. Gemma! I look at my phone. There was nothing after my last message until an hour later.
“There are all different kinds of hot and cold.” Fuck! What does that mean? Hell if I know. I need to talk to her. But I have to deal with Katie first.
“ Gemma told you we're together?” I ask.
“Yes, she told me last night. What are you thinking, Dad? How could you?”
“But you like Gemma. And surely you don't think I mean her any harm?”
“Not intentionally, but she's just been hurt really badly. I don't think she's really over it. She was still devastated a couple of weeks ago and she's gone straight from him to you. Maybe she just doesn't want to be alone.”
“Do you really think that?”
“Yes. No. I don't know. I thought you and Mum might get back together again.”
“Sweetie, that's never going to happen. Me and your mum were like oil and water. We're destined never to mix.”
“I don't remember it being so bad.”
“We never argued in front of you. We never really felt anything that much, that was the trouble. If you don't care enough, there's no point in fighting. We were living two separate lives in the same place, both loving you but not each other.”
“Mum's going to be disappointed.”
“If she thinks about it she won't be.”
“She's telling everyone that she hopes you'll make a go of it. You know how she can't keep a thing to herself.”
“I know. I just heard it from Gemma's mother. Stephanie is talking about it in the supermarket to anyone who will listen. But hell, Katie, I can't be responsible for that.”
“No.” Katie's still not happy with me. I see that. But she'll come around.
“Listen, Gemma might be a bit upset today until I talk to her,” I say.
“You see. You hurt her already. That's exactly what I mean.”
“I just gave her the chance to think about things. She thought I was cooling off. It's not like that at all.”
Katie looks as if she doesn't believe me. “Dad, honestly, if you hurt her...”
“I'll talk to her today.”
“Just don't hurt her even more, okay?”
I nod. It's the last thing I want.
“And Dad...”
“What?”
“Don't you get hurt either. I want you to be happy too.”
“I know, sweetie, but I'
m a big boy.”
She looks at me as if I'm about three years old or something and she doesn't believe what I'm saying. She's always been protective.
CHAPTER 15
Gemma
It's awkward with Katie at the bakery. I usually tell her everything, and now it feels like there's this big wall between us. Does she know I already slept with her dad? I guess not. I doubt he told her that. Katie smiles at me when she comes in but it's an uncertain smile. Hell! I hate this change in how we are with each other and maybe it's for nothing.
We go about our work and Katie gives me things to do as usual. I do them but I long to be outside taking photographs and being my own boss and for the first time I resent her. Me being with her dad has done all this. That sucks!
Ben texts me all day.
“I can't wait to see you.”
“Sorry, I was so tired—I'll try and keep out of trouble today at work.”
“Do you want to come around tonight?”
I give non-committal answers.
“Okay.”
“I'm sorry too.”
“I'm not sure.”
He texts back:
“I need to see you later. You're killing me with your answers.”
So eventually I agree to go around after work.
“Are you seeing Dad tonight?” Katie asks.
“Yes. I'm taking Sullivan out before he gets back from work, then he's taking me out.”
She just shrugs as if she has no say in the matter. I hate this distance between us. I hope we can patch things up and get back to how we were. But can we ever get there if I'm with Ben?
*
Sullivan is happy to see me when I arrive at Ben's house. I stroke his ears and put on his lead and we're just leaving when I get such a fright. Stephanie comes into the utility room from inside the house dressed to the nines, her dark hair and make-up perfect. What is she doing here?
“You're taking Ben's dog out?” she says. “How sweet that Ben gave the dog a new home! He's always been good at gathering up strays—if there are broken hearts, needy people, or tiresome hangers-on he'll be there. He's always rescuing someone or other.”