“Killing me here,” he grunted as he looked to the heavens and appeared to be praying to the Goddess for strength.
“Fine,” I muttered on a sigh. “We won’t be able to stick to it anyway.”
“Is that a challenge?” His brows arched and his grin widened.
“No, it’s a fact,” I replied cockily. “We haven’t gone a day since we met without doing the nasty.”
“You should know far better than daring me, little girl.”
“Ohhhhh,” I said with a mock shiver of fear and a giggle. “The Big Bad Wolf likes a challenge?”
“The Big Bad Wolf likes you. I’d say he definitely likes a challenge,” he replied easily as he scooped me up into his strong arms and marched us down the street.
“You’re a dork,” I squealed as I kind-of, sort-of, not really tried to escape his hold.
His laugh made my heart light—scary but nice.
“I’ve been called worse. You hungry?”
“Dumb question. I’m always hungry.” I snuggled in closer and went along for the ride.
“Good. I’m taking you to lunch.”
“You gonna eat me?” I inquired, rubbing against him like a cat in heat. I knew I wasn’t playing fair, but the new rules were frightening. Physical I could handle. Emotional? I wasn’t so sure…
“You’re cheating,” he said, squeezing my ass and making my game backfire.
“Okay, okay,” I huffed, giving up for the moment. “Hands off the ass unless you want me to zap you naked and take advantage of you on Main Street. I’ll agree to no sex… for today. Where are we going to lunch?”
“To the diner.”
“Assjacket has a diner?” I asked totally surprised. Why didn’t I know this?
“Assjacket has a diner,” he assured me as we approached a dilapidated old house.
“Oh my hell,” I muttered as I took in the crumbling building. “This is the diner?”
“Yep,” he said with a smirk. “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”
As with the rest of my life lately, he was correct. Very little was as it seemed.
CHAPTER 4
Everything in Assjacket was made to look horrible on the outside so the humans stayed away. People just drove right on through thinking the little one street town was just a rundown slum. The local Shifters couldn’t have been happier about the misconception. What the humans didn’t realize was within the decaying crumbling walls was magic—pure unadulterated magic.
Case in point—the Assjacket Diner.
“Oh my Goddess,” I gasped as I took in the charming decor and the delicious aromas. “Totally amazing.”
“Welcome to my humble place of business,” Wanda the lovely raccoon Shifter greeted Mac and me with hugs as he put me down on my feet. “I was wondering when you’d make time to come by.”
“If I’d known it existed I would have been living here,” I told her as I wandered over to the pastry display. “Is that cheesecake?” I squealed.
“My famous cheesecake,” Wanda informed me proudly with a sweet blush and a laugh. “You two go get a booth and DeeDee will be right over to get your order.”
As Mac and I made our way to a cozy booth I waved at my Shifter friends—many of whom I’d healed. The diner was full of every animal you could think of happily chatting and eating, thankfully most of them in their human forms. My kind of place—especially the eating part.
The tables were all a heavy dark wood and covered in charming Shabby Chic-ish tablecloths and kitschy mismatched napkins. Floral teacups and saucers like a grandma should have sat atop the tables and screamed for the patrons to drink from them with an extended pinkie. It was all kinds of awesome.
“This place is Wanda’s?” I asked Mac as I greedily perused the menu.
“It belongs to Wanda and DeeDee,” he told me as he watched me with amusement. “Jeeves is now the head chef.”
“You’re shitting me.” I clapped my hands together in glee and a huge grin split my face. Jeeves could cook.
“Do I look like I’m shitting you?” Mac chuckled and shook his head.
Jeeves was a very rare and extremely weird kangaroo Shifter. Decades ago on a vacation to Australia, Mac had found the young joey dying on the side of the road and adopted him so he would be under his protection. Jeeves was a misfit personified who was strangely adorable and could cook like a professional chef.
But there were two major downsides—Jeeves still lived at home with Mac and was dating my ex-cellmate and royal pain in my ass, Sassy. Sassy was a witch with an attitude problem who was now claiming to be my best friend. This was patently untrue, but once she got an idea in her pea-sized brain there was no changing it.
Sassy had been helpful during the last battle as one of her gifts was getting into peoples’ heads and reading minds, but she was a magical menace and she was everywhere.
“DeeDee’s busy doing some kind of deer Shifter shit, so you get meeeeeeeeee!” the bane of my existence screeched at decibels that belonged outside.
“Who did I screw over in a former life that I can’t get away from you?” I asked wearily as I looked up from the menu and gasped in outraged shock at Sassy’s attire. “Tell me that’s not my baby blue cashmere cardigan that your obscenely large boobs are stretching out.”
“Okay,” she said with a casual shrug and no eye contact whatsoever. “It’s not your baby blue cashmere sweater that my mind bogglingly sexy knockers are filling out beautifully.”
“Yes it is,” I hissed as my fingers began to spark. I was so done with her pilfering my clothes and then returning them either stained or stretched out beyond recognition.
“Of course it’s yours,” she said with an enormous eye roll. “But you told me to tell you it wasn’t.”
“It was a figure of speech,” I ground out, wondering if Wanda and DeeDee would be upset if I set Sassy’s hair on fire for a few minutes.
“Dude,” she said with another eye roll that beat her previous one. “I did not take French in high school. If you want to be understood you need to speak English.”
“Are you serious?” I yelled in my own outdoor voice.
“I believe she is,” my good buddy Simon the skunk Shifter said from the booth across from ours. “Careful when you order. Spell it all out.”
Mac was biting his bottom lip to keep from grinning. I found no humor in the situation at all. To be fair, Mac was in a difficult position. Sassy was dating his son Jeeves much to the shock of the entire population of Assjacket. The sweater bandit was a notorious man-eater, but seemed to have her sights set on poor Jeeves in a big bad way. Jeeves was besotted and apparently they’d been indulging in public displays of affection all over town.
“Here’s the deal,” I said in what I thought was a reasonable tone, if not a bit loud. “You can keep the sweater you’ve destroyed, but if I see you in another piece of my clothing I will zap you bald.”
Sassy’s brow wrinkled as she considered the gauntlet thrown down. She was very attached to her long blonde hair. I silently went through my last sentence and made sure there was nothing in there she could misconstrue as French.
“How about shoes?” she bargained.
“How about I deflate your double D’s?”
“Triple,” she corrected.
“Whatever. You’ll be back in a training bra if you steal anymore of my shit,” I stated not so calmly as sparks flew from my fingertips.
Mac graciously tamped out the small fire I’d started with my itchy, sparking fingers. He was good like that.
“That’s kind of mean,” Sassy pouted as she sat down next to me and put her head on my shoulder.
I bit my tongue to hold back the unflattering name that was on the tip of it. I felt bad now… Big-fat-hairy-buttholes, she was right. I was being mean. It was just stuff—stuff was replaceable and I had a ton of stuff thanks to my dad’s obscene shopping habits. However, Sassy didn’t even ask before she trashed my stuff. It would be a little easier to swallow if I
gave her permission to wreak havoc on my apparel.
Great Goddess on high, was this what it felt like to be mature and caring? Shitshitshit. I wasn’t liking it. I dropped my forehead to the table with a thud and blew out a long sigh.
“New deal,” I mumbled in a barely audible voice. I didn’t want too many people to hear I was getting soft. It was bad enough they thought I was nice. “If you ask and I say yes, you can borrow it. If I say no, I will smite your ass if you take it.”
Sassy laughed happily and then eyed my new bag—zeroing like an animal does with prey.
“Don’t even look at it,” I growled as she quickly slid away in fear. “If you so much as touch my bag I will decapitate you with it.”
“Is it a Birkin?” she whispered reverently.
“Yes. Yes it is,” I said, giving her the stink eye. “And it’s mine. You can barrow the Kate Spade.”
“How about the Chanel?”
I wanted to scream no, but I was turning over a new and uncomfortable leaf. It sucked, but at the same time felt kind of good. “Only for formal occasions and you can’t carry makeup in it. The lining is silk and I’ll flush your head if you mess it up.”
“Sounds fair,” she said. “If it were me, I’d say punch your nose up into your forehead.”
“Well, therein lies the difference between us,” I told her, secretly wishing I’d come up with the nose forehead thing.
“There you go with the French again,” she griped. “Anyhoo, I guess I’ll return the suitcase full of clothes I swiped since we have a new arrangement. You’re the absolute best friend I’ve ever had.” She hugged me so tight I thought she popped my ribs.
“I’m the only friend you’ve ever had,” I wheezed out as I shoved her off of me.
“That’s true too,” she said with a flip of her blonde hair as she walked off happily.
“Wasn’t she supposed to take our order?” I asked Mac as I watched her flounce away.
“Probably better if she doesn’t,” Mac said as he smiled at me with that look on his face.
“Don’t smile at me like that,” I snapped. I didn’t want or need his approval that I was becoming a nicer witch. I mean I liked it, but I hated it too. Goddess, I was a mess…
“Like what?” he asked as his smile grew wider.
“Like you’re proud of me or some ridiculous shit like that,” I snapped and stared at my hands.
“But what if I am?” he questioned.
“You can keep it to yourself,” I informed him rudely. “I’m not dealing well with all this approval.”
“So noted,” he said as he unsuccessfully tried to frown. “How about I order for us up at the counter?”
“Will there be cheesecake involved in the order?” I asked relieved to change the subject to food.
“Yep, and a whole lot more,” he promised.
Mac was a man of his word.
Another reason he should pick someone better than me.
CHAPTER 5
“I have a food baby,” I groaned and patted my overly full tummy.
Mac had ordered for a small army and I’d unfortunately done the enormous amount of food justice. At one point the Shifters were taking bets on how much I could eat. My buddy, Simon the skunk won. He, his girlfriend, and I had eaten lunch together several times over the last few weeks, so he had the inside scoop on how much I could shove in my mouth.
Wanda and DeeDee were somewhat appalled at my eat-a-thon, but my squeals and moans of joy negated the sheer amount of food I’d eaten them out of. Jeeves had even come out from the kitchen to watch me eat three-fourths of the cheesecake.
“You done?” Mac asked politely. He tried unsuccessfully to hide his grin behind his hand as he scrubbed it over his jaw.
“Yep.” I reclined on the bench of the booth and sighed happily. “You’re a smart man feeding me like that. I couldn’t have sex now if you paid me. Oh, and by the way, I’ve got the bill. I’d feel too guilty if you picked up the check. It has to be huge.”
“Too bad,” he said as he pulled my sloth-like body up from the bench. “Already taken care of. We’re going on a motorcycle ride now.”
“Fine,” I grumbled. A nap would have been nicer. “Let me use the ladies’ room and I’ll meet you back here.”
As I wandered to the back of the diner accepting congratulations on my eating prowess, I had a strange feeling. It wasn’t a premonition and it didn’t feel like danger. I wasn’t psychic, but I could sense my obese cats somewhere in the vicinity…
What were my fat familiars doing at the diner and where exactly were they?
The ladies’ room was next to the men’s room which was next to a nondescript door marked private. However, private was spelled P-R-Y-V-E-T…
Interesting.
I was fairly sure I’d just discovered the secret lair of the gambling ring. My cats couldn’t spell to save their enormous asses—bad grammar followed them everywhere.
Pressing my ear against the door, I grinned. They were so busted, but they weren’t alone. Along with their gravely wise guy voices, I heard my dad. That wasn’t a big surprise, but the conversation was heated and that was unusual. Fabio and the cats got along grandly—or so I’d thought. Eavesdropping was bad form, but they were talking about me. No one had ever accused me of good form and I certainly wasn’t going to start today.
Zapping myself invisible would work for about ten minutes. Getting through a closed door undetected was a bit more difficult. Shit. Thankfully there was a hole above the door. The broken out vent would have to suffice. Damn good thing I was limber. A silent entrance was going to be a little tricky.
Making it through the vent quietly was the easy part. Listening to the discussion? Not so much. Why did doing things you shouldn’t always bite you in the ass? Hard.
“She should be dating warlocks not animals,” my dad hissed as he paced the floor and counted his wad of cash.
“Fabio,” Fat Bastard said as he shuffled a deck of cards with expertise. “She don’t like warlocks. They’re all jackasses.”
“Excuse me?” Fabio snapped and narrowed his eyes dangerously at the chubby feline.
“Present company excluded,” Fat Bastard said with a smirk not meaning a word of it. “You should be happy she’s dating at all.”
“What does that mean?” Fabio asked with a snarl. “My little girl is perfect.”
“Dude, dude, dude,” Boba Fett said, “Zelda is definitely a hot piece of ass, but she’s a little whack-a-doo.”
“Do not ever refer to my daughter’s ass or I will ensure you can’t sit on yours for a century. And as far a whack-a-doo goes, she comes by it naturally. Her mother was certifiable.”
Oh my Goddess, did everyone think I was nuts? I mean I knew I was crazy, but…
“Zelda’s just fine the way she is,” Jango Fett argued taking a break from tonguing his nads. “She has to find someone whose balls won’t shrink up into his stomach and can handle all that hot witchy-booby wonderment. She’s being groomed to be the… ”
“Don’t go there,” Dad growled and took a seat at the card table.
“The booby part?” Jango, as usual, was confused.
What the hell were they talking about and what was I being groomed for?
Fabio didn’t reply, much to my disappointment. He simply shot a look at Jango that made my cat slink under the table. As they all sat in silence, I considered dropping the invisibility and violently zapping the information I wanted out of the quartet. However, if I revealed myself I’d have a difficult time snooping in the future. What to do…
“Back to the original topic,” Dad said on a long sigh. “I don’t think I’m well liked in town.”
“Ya think three-fourths of the good people of Assjacket owing you money might have something to do with that?” Fat Bastard offered cautiously.
“Possibly,” Fabio surmised as he stared at the cash in front of him on the table. “I won fair and square.”
The grunts of laughter
were loud and Dad even joined in. Goddess, at this rate my newly acquired parental unit was going to get run out of town before I really got to know him like I wanted to. Crap.
“Wait!” Dad yelled as he scooped up the cash in his hands and waved it in the air. “The treasury is broke. What if I funded the musical and repaired the town’s thespian reputation? They’d have to let me direct the show then.”
“We have lesbians here?” Boba Fett asked, confused.
“Lesbians ain’t no problem,” Fat Bastard purred and grabbed his kitty privates. “A little girl- on-girl action is hot. I wouldn’t mind seeing Zelda and Sassy do a little lesbian thing.”
A Witch In Time Page 4