“Is this Ber douche-hole a man lesbian or a chick lesbian?” Jango asked very seriously as he wobbled over to the chipmunks and lifted his leg to relieve himself.
“No,” I shouted. “No peeing on people. That is disgusting and smells horrible. Your manners are despicable.”
“My bad,” Jango grumbled, lowering his leg. “Just wanted to show them who was boss here.”
“I’m the boss here,” Mac and I said at the same time.
I glanced over at him with wide eyes. Crap, I’d just tried to usurp the power of the King of the Shifters—very bad form. However, he just winked and gave me a wicked-sexy little grin.
“My mate and I are co-bosses here. Cats, zip it. Chipmunks swallow the gum or I’ll remove your teeth. Sassy start talking,” Mac instructed as he took his place next to me.
“Umm, Mac,” I said as my nose wrinkled in distaste. “If they don’t chomp the gum they’ll basically eat their own faces. I say let them chew gum.”
“Seriously?” he asked with a wince.
“Yup,” Chunk volunteered. “Seen it happen twice.”
“I really don’t want to heal that,” I whispered with a shudder.
That gave everyone pause. The visual was too much.
“Back to the matter at hand,” I quickly insisted before I could clearly picture the ramifications of taking the chipmunks’ gum. “Give me the skinny on Ber.”
“Who in the Goddess’s name is Ber?” Sassy asked bewildered. “No one named Ber came up in their tiny pea sized brains.”
She turned on the trio as her hands lit up with sparks. Sassy was not pleased with her pookies. The chipmunks began to cry.
“You said you could pick the info out of our brains,” Chad whimpered. “We didn’t have to actually implicate anyone. Our lives are at stake—and someone else’s life too.”
“Speaking of lives at stake… explain the plan to kill Zelda,” Mac ground out between clenched teeth, still not buying the innocence of the rodents.
“You little dudes are going to tell them,” Sassy said with an eye roll. “I’m not sure I can relay that nugget of misguided brilliance correctly.”
“YouseewelostallthemoneyweowedBertothemagicalkingofpokernandBerisgoingtokillusifwedontpayhimbackand… ” Chunk tried to explain.
“Stop,” Mac bellowed. “I didn’t follow a word of that gibberish. Someone else talks or chipmunks start dying.”
“I was able to make out magical king of poker,” Fabio announced proudly and then quickly backed off when Mac shot him a glare that would make most run for their lives.
“Well, you see… ” Chip stepped forward and heaved an enormous shaky sigh. “We lost all the money we had in a poker game with the magical king of poker.” He waved at my dad who waved back. “That’s not a big deal, but it wasn’t exactly our money to lose.”
“It was Ber’s money?” I asked.
“Um… yes, it was Ber’s money,” Chad whispered.
“Is Ber his real name?” I sat down on a chair, knowing I was in for a long one and immediately stood back up. My ass wasn’t ready for solid contact yet.
“Part of it,” Chip said, terrified. “If we could tell you his name, we would but he has our brother, Chutney.”
“He didn’t just say Chutney, did he?” Boba asked, with a snicker. “What kind of bullshit name is Chutney?”
As much as I concurred with my cat, it was rude. My father’s name was Fabio, for the Goddess’s sake, and the damn cat’s name was Boba Fett…
“Shut it,” I hissed at my fat, manner-less feline. “Go on,” I encouraged the frightened chipmunks.
“If we say his name, he’ll appear,” Chad explained with huge eyes.
His jaw was working so fast I found myself grinding my teeth.
“What in the hell can do that?” I asked my dad.
“A genie or a warlock,” Fabio guessed with a shrug. “Neither is good.”
“Still lost here as to why the play had to be stopped and Zelda had to die,” Mac cut in, getting to the point.
“Ifthemagicalkingofpokerquitsplayingpokerwerescrewed,” Chunk babbled.
Mac blew out a long slow breath and let his head fall back on his broad shoulders. “Tell speed talker if he says anything else it will be the last thing he ever says.”
“Chunk, he doesn’t… ” Chip started.
“Gotit,” Chunk choked out.
“We need to win back the money so Ber doesn’t kill us and our brother who he’s holding hostage. But since the magical king of poker has left the gambling life behind to become a world famous director, we’re sunk,” Chip told us.
“Big holes in that story,” I said as I grabbed one of Bob’s plungers and held it up in the air. “It would probably be really easy to suck your brain out of your ear.”
“They don’t have much up there,” Sassy reminded me.
“Easier to get it out then,” I replied.
“This is true, but I think it would be less messy to have them eat their own nuts,” she suggested.
“Don’t talk,” I warned her, wielding the plunger near her head. “I’m not going to suck out their brains or make them ingest each other’s balls. I just want to know what the hell is going on here and what we’re up against,” I yelled. “Talk, chipmunks. Now.”
“Sooooo we figured if we stopped the play, the holy poker player almighty king would give up directing and go back to gambling,” Chip quickly explained.
“We could win our money back, pay Ber, save ourselves and our brother Chutney, and move to Antarctica,” Chad added.
“So killing me was your idea, not Ber’s?” I asked trying to get the convoluted story straight.
“Not exactly,” Chip hedged as he now chewed on his lip as well as his gum. “Ber told us to destroy anything that was in the way of his money.”
“So we took that to mean he meant to kill stuff, but we’re vegetarians,” Chad said as if that made it all crystal clear.
“You guys really aren’t smart,” I muttered as I placed the plunger back on the prop table. “No offense.”
“None taken, oh holy Shifter Wanker,” Chip replied kindly.
“So Ber isn’t trying to kill Zelda or stop the play,” Mac said summing it up while squinting and trying not to grin at my new title. “You imbeciles came up with the half-witted plan all by yourselves.”
“That seems about right,” Chad agreed with a polite nod.
“So I say we find this Ber fucker and open up a can of whoop ass on him and his lesbian butt,” Fat Bastard said as he began to glow dangerously. “We get this Chumpy dude back and be done with the whole frackin’ mess.”
“It’s Chutney,” Jeeves chimed in, correcting him.
“That’s what I said,” Fat Bastard grunted as he heaved himself over to the prop table and grabbed two plungers.
“I’m in,” Boba and Jango shouted.
“Nope,” I said as I removed the plungers from the Bastard’s paws and tossed them back onto the table. “This one can be solved without magic or violence. How much do you owe Ber?”
“Two hundred grand,” Chad whispered in in distress smacking his gum so intensely I thought he might dislocate his jaw.
My dad was watching me closely, as was Mac.
“Is my money in the bank here?” I asked Fabio. “Wait. Do we even have a bank here?”
“It’s in the Cayman Islands,” my dad told me. “I can pop over and be back in a half hour… if that’s what you want to do.”
“It is,” I told him, feeling really good about myself. However, there was still a lesson to be taught to the chipmunks. “I will pay what you owe in exchange for your brother, but you will stay here in Assjacket and work off your debt. How does that sound?”
“That sounds great,” Sassy squealed. “I wanted to keep them anyway! Jeeves and I feel strongly about adopting since he was adopted and I will be a fantastic mother to rodents with limited brainpower. This is like a dream come true.”
Mac’s
gasp of terror was only matched by my own.
“Jeeves,” Mac wheezed as diplomatically as he could muster. “My house isn’t big enough now that you’re going to have a family.”
“No worries, dad,” Jeeves replied as he bounced in excitement. “Sassy and I had plans drawn up for an addition.”
“While that’s an interestingly appalling idea,” Mac choked out. “I was thinking more along the lines of you getting your own place.”
“Brilliant!” Jeeves shouted as Sassy and the chipmunks danced around the room in joy.
“How exactly are we supposed to find this Ber?” Fabio asked the question that hadn’t occurred to any of us.
That stopped the reveling abruptly.
“Um, I guess when we’re ready we can say his full name three times and he’ll show up,” Chad mumbled as he turned as white as a ghost.
Damn, this Ber sounded like a really bad dude. But the plan was as solid as it was going to get.
I just hoped it went as smoothly as I imagined.
Who the hell was I kidding?
Nothing I was involved in went smoothly.
However, as Roger stated earlier… it wasn’t boring.
CHAPTER 15
As the cast reassembled for rehearsal and Fabio poofed off to the Cayman Islands to get the money, Mac took my arm and pulled me into a corner.
“If you run, I will come after you,” he warned, watching me carefully. “And for future reference, Livin’ on a Prayer is my favorite song.”
“You’re a glutton for punishment,” I hissed as I tried to pull away even though I was exactly where I wanted to be. “I’m broken. I’m not good enough for you.”
“I don’t believe that’s your decision to make,” he replied calmly as he backed me up to the wall.
His body was hard and it was plastered against all my soft. My knees felt like jelly and I grabbed his arms so I didn’t drop to the floor like a sack of potatoes. If I were him, I’d kick my ass to the curb. I was a ridiculous mass of contradictions who couldn’t make up her mind. I knew I wanted to stay with him, but was it fair if I couldn’t love him?
“I don’t know what love means,” I whispered brokenly. “I don’t know if I love you.”
He paused and I was sure I saw pain in his steady gaze. “Love isn’t necessarily a choice, pretty girl. Love happens. I can love you enough for both of us until you figure out that you’re worth it.”
I was speechless and humbled. The wolf was crazier than I was.
“Mac,” I began, but he silenced me with his lips.
It wasn’t a sexual kiss. It wasn’t demanding or hard. His full lips were gentle and sweet. He ran his tongue lightly over my bottom lip and it almost stopped my heart. All the things he had just said were in his kiss. He was giving me a gift that I so wanted, but still wasn’t sure I could accept. I closed my eyes ad kissed him back. His arms felt like home to me. Mac’s low chuckle against my mouth touched my soul and I wanted to crawl inside him and stay. He was more beautiful on the inside than he was on the outside.
“You do love me, Zelda and I’ll happily spend eternity making you believe it. You are good, kind, smart, compassionate, and you have an ass that makes me weep. I’m lucky to have you and you’re lucky to have me.”
He pressed his fingers to my mouth so I couldn’t say anything stupid. Then he turned around and walked out.
I touched my lips and slid to the floor. It didn’t matter that the cold hard ground made my ass hurt like a mother-humper. I was too stunned to care. Was love that damn easy? If it was, why didn’t my mom love me? I loved her. Shit, maybe I still did.
***
“All right people, we’re going to take it from the top,” Fabio yelled as he cocked his beret jauntily to the left.
He’d returned from getting the money and now it was time to get the freak show in shape.
“Why is there a hole in the butt of your dress?” Sassy asked as she posed in the splits holding wire hangers over her head.
“I called the Goddess old,” I muttered as I yanked on my dress to examine the damage. Had I been walking around with my ass hanging out all day and Sassy was the first one to point it out? Crap, maybe she really was my friend.
“You want me to fix it?” she asked as she grunted in pain and gingerly eased out of the splits.
“Can you?” I asked doubtfully.
“Of course I can.” She rolled her eyes and tossed her hair. “I fixed all of your sweaters I stretched out due to my alluring bosom, I’m sure I can patch a butt hole,” she said with an evil giggle at her unfortunate pun.
“That pun was really awful and please refrain from saying bosom ever again.” An involuntary grin pulled at my lips.
“Will do. But the butt hole thing was awesome. Right?” she crowed and wiggled her fingers.
“Awesome,” I mumbled as I bit back a laugh.
My dress tingled and sparked. I gasped at my stupidity for letting her have a go at anything that was literally on my body… but then it stopped as abruptly as it began. Slowly and with great trepidation I looked over my shoulder. Much to my surprise it was fixed. Not only fixed—it was perfect.
“Oh my Goddess,” I gasped. “I thought I was going to go up like a fire work. You’re amazing. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Her faced glowed and her expression was almost shy. Sassy wanted me to like her—and I did… sort of. She was all kinds of awful, but there was also something good. If I searched really, really, really hard, I could find it. Maybe I hadn’t been looking hard enough.
“Um, Sassy… I want to give you carte blanche of my closet,” I blurted out in a rush before I could change my mind. “You can borrow whatever you want except for the Birkin bag and underwear.”
“Is this because I repaired your butt hole?” she asked with a silly grin.
“No, but my butt hole thanks you. I decided this the other day, but every time I thought about telling you, it got wedged in my throat,” I confessed.
“It would have given me gas,” she admitted me as she slowly slid back into the splits. “However, I am wildly grateful and will repair any damage I cause. Can I touch the Birkin bag?” she queried wishfully.
I had to think about that. It was a difficult decision. I was turning over a new leaf, but that didn’t mean there was going to be some leftover materialism. A girl could only change so much. “You can sniff it,” I bargained. “And possibly sit next to it, but only if I’m there.”
“Sounds fair.” Sassy smiled and blew me a kiss.
“While all this bonding is nice, albeit a little disconcertingly nauseating, this does not mean I’ll stop giving you shit or threatening to zap you bald,” I stated firmly, trying to keep a small semblance of who I was intact. At this rate I wasn’t going to recognize myself next time I looked in the mirror.
“I’d expect and want no less,” she assured me. “And I will continue to annoy the living Goddess out of you and behave inappropriately.”
“This could work,” I muttered aloud as I moved away and got ready for my heinous entrance. Any more bonding might give me hives.
“Zelda are you ready?” Dad called out.
“No, but I’m gonna do it anyway,” I yelled back as I took a deep breath and said a quick prayer to the Goddess for the ability not to blow anything or anyone up during the play practice.
“That’s my girl,” my dad said proudly.
I was.
I was his girl… and it felt nice.
CHAPTER 16
“Oh my Goddess, I’m so nervous,” Sassy squealed at decibels that would attract stray dogs within a hundred miles.
I glanced around the makeshift dressing room in the Community Center and grinned. We were really going to do this. DeeDee and Wanda had on more make-up than any drag queen would comfortably wear and were still applying. Wanda’s adorable four-year-old son Bo was running around the room kissing everyone for luck. There was an enormous array of gorgeous flowers for
me from Mac. The card was simple, but to the point.
I picked them from our secret place.
The blooms are nowhere as beautiful as you.
I’ll meet you in the tree house after the show.
xoxo Mac
He was being awfully bossy, but then again I secretly liked that macho, alpha wolf quality. However, the tree house meant sex and sex meant mating. Mating meant embedded fangs in my neck. But mostly it meant I needed to make a decision. I pushed the thoughts away and concentrated on becoming Mommie. I was as nervous as Sassy. I was simply trying not to let it show.
A Witch In Time Page 12