“I take hikes in a place where there’s this mountaintop and there’s a cliff over a beautiful lake. I went right before I took that bicycle trip and before I had the cancer operation. I went to that spot on that lake, and I looked out at this beautiful place where I often go to just say my prayers and think. I said, ‘I’m coming back here. I’m coming back here after this surgery and after I do this bike ride, and I’m going to show you, Mr. Lake, that I’m good. I’m in good shape. I’ll see you later.’ I went and I did that bike ride to do exactly what you said: to prove to myself that I have conquered the struggle of fear with cancer and I’ve gone on to live my life, to ride with my son three hundred miles starting in Jerusalem on a bicycle with all these other people and be alive and do one of the most physically strenuous things I have ever attempted in my life. I did that to spite my own fear. Fear of this word cancer that, in that particular case, was a cancer that was supposedly interfering with my body.
“We are always in the situation to fight this fear,” Mandy says. “Fear is the biggest thing that we’re all dealing with. I personally get most frightened when I feel I’m wasting that time. Or if I have a conflict with a loved one or a friend or a family member or colleague. It pains me a great deal when there’s a conflict because it’s so hard to be in those situations, and I know I can’t fix anything, but I want to do the best I can. Sometimes that just means letting the conflict stay there and trust it’ll work itself out. Sometimes it means that there are things that I can do or say to help make the world better or the situation better with somebody I care deeply about.”
“But given all the opportunities and conflicts, how do you balance your time?”
“The thing that I’m learning and keep trying to improve—when I was younger, I felt I had to work, work, work. More, more, more, more. I never scheduled time to recover, to rest, to reflect. I think that’s an equally important part of my life as the work that I do or the time I spend with my family or my human rights work. Just to be by myself to rest, to sleep, to take walks. To think.”
I know I should take a page from his book, take time to just be myself. Probably all of us need to do that. It’s so easy to fill up our lives with stuff—meetings, agendas, schedules—it’s hard to take the time we need to just be.
“I try not to live in the past but in the moment,” says Mandy. “As Buddhists often say, to live in this moment and to do the best I can from this moment forward. What I’m saying is, the darkness is what gets to the stars in the sky. The rain clouds give you the rainbows when the sun peeks behind them a little bit. You can’t have one without the other. Sadness is one of the great gifts of life, because when you’re sad, it lets you know when you’re happy. If you never knew sadness, you’d never know how wonderful it was to be happy.”
I guess I’ve never done the math on it that way, but I get what he’s saying. Imagine the flatness of a life without highs and lows. Not that I wish those lowest lows on myself or anyone else, but I might be willing to concede that there is some beauty in the ugliest ordeals life has to offer. There’s a sister, shivering on the porch beside you. There’s a cup of cool water. There’s harp music at your deathbed. There’s New Zealand. There’s love.
“We take happiness for granted,” Mandy says. “Happiness and joy and good fortune—like food, and breath, and sunshine, and rain, and human love—shouldn’t be taken for granted. It should be celebrated and appreciated for how precious it is and how fragile it is.”
“Mandy, do you believe in ‘happily ever after’?”
“Yes,” he says with certainty. “It’s just making it. The happily ever after state, for me, is to feel alive. To feel 100 percent alive. To feel that I’m doing good works for my world, my community, my fellow man and woman. If I can do that to the best of my ability at any time, if I don’t waste the privilege of this day, if I live it to the best of my capabilities, then I feel I am living my life as best as I can. I can’t ask any more of myself. That’s all. I’m on a constant journey where I’m looking for light. And you define that light to be whatever you want. I haven’t found it yet. I won’t quit until my life is over, but I keep trying to find the light.”
* * *
When the phrase “happily ever after” is heard, images of Cinderella and her prince riding off in their coach, Darth Vader accepting the light and dying, and Harry Potter finally vanquishing Lord Voldemort appear. Throughout this whole process, interviewing people, recording the conversations, researching, contemplating, and finally writing, I feel that my own concept of “happily ever after” has evolved.
I started out thinking that it was the silly ending to a child’s fairy tale, that anyone who believed in it was just kidding themselves. I figured, our lives will never be perfect, we will always have problems, so why live thinking that one day we will hit smooth waters forever? Then that changed to thinking that we can attain “happily ever after” in life; it’s not that we don’t have challenges or problems, but it’s being grateful for the goodness that we do have in our lives and accepting the hard times as they come. And finally it morphed yet again: yes, that stage of living with a grateful heart and accepting our trials as they come still applies, but even more than that, we have moments of heaven, perfection, happily ever after, whatever you want to call it, but we have them when we are living at 100 percent, full of love and hope.
The day I was rescued was a “happily ever after” moment. The day I got married to my soul mate was another. The day my little Chloé Rose came into our lives is perhaps the culmination and happiest of all “happily ever afters.” If only every moment since her birth was as perfect and happy.
Just the other day, when Matthew and I sat down to dinner, I strapped Chloé into her high chair and turned my back for only a second. Matthew looked at her and said, “I think she has something stuck up her nose.” We both jumped up and rushed over to her side to see what was shoved up her nose. I had introduced her to pomegranates earlier that day, and she loved them, but that perhaps wasn’t the wisest food choice for a curious toddler. Still, considering all she usually wanted were Cheetos and Capri Sun juice pouches, I was delighted that she was excited about something fresh and healthy.
But sure enough, when we shined our phone lights up her nose, there lodged far out of her fingers’ reach—and most certainly out of ours—was a pomegranate seed. I panicked, but Matthew remained calm.
“Run upstairs and get tweezers,” he said.
I dashed up, grabbed the tweezers, and ran back down. By this time, Chloé was screaming her little lungs out. I did my best to hold her down while Matthew attempted to fish the seed out with the tweezers. Let’s fast-forward past the drama and just say it didn’t work. I was still frantic, trying to call my parents, her pediatrician, everyone I could think of, and no one was answering the phone.
Finally Matthew looked around in desperation and spotted his straw sticking out of the drink he was having with dinner. I was one step ahead of him. As soon as I saw him looking at the straw, I knew what he was thinking. I grabbed the straw and passed it to him. He gently inserted it into a very unhappy Chloé’s nose, and sucked in a little sip of air. It worked. The pomegranate seed was dislodged, and we sat down at the table, laughing our heads off. This is a silly, silly moment in retrospect, but in the moment, it seemed like a catastrophe. No matter what stage or walk of life we find ourselves in, that’s life. Moments of happily ever after competing with complete disaster. It is up to us how we perceive and react to life events that are out of our control.
To someone who knows nothing about my past, I might appear to have a perfect life. In reality, I have perfect moments in a life that, through no fault of my own, got very complicated when I was very young. My mother’s voice comes back to me again and again: “Elizabeth, what these people have done to you is terrible. There aren’t words strong enough to describe how wicked and evil they are. They’ve stolen nine months of your life that you will never get back. The best punishment you could
ever give them is to be happy—to move on and do exactly what you want.” Which leads to the Big Question: What do I want?
“I am what I choose to become,” Carl Jung said. So each of us must ask himself or herself:
What defines me?
What have I chosen to become so far?
And looking to the future, what will I choose to become tomorrow?
Afterword
“My name is Elizabeth Smart, and I have some questions I’d like to ask you.”
A security camera glares down at me from above the wide front door of an alleged serial rapist I am reporting on for Crime Watch Daily. Usually, it’s the victim I’m interviewing. Not this time. When he heard that this man was comfortably enjoying house arrest at a particularly posh address in a large Midwestern city, the producer asked me if I would feel comfortable approaching him. All I needed to say was “Let’s go.”
Now the producer stands with a security guard and the camera crew just below the porch steps, rolling tape as I bang on the door, which the man inside does not open. I didn’t really expect him to talk with me. I just wanted him to know that his dark secret is about to get some this-little-light-of-mine shined on it. My own experience taught me the power of the media. If my parents hadn’t kept my story in that powerful spotlight, I most likely would not have survived. My goal as a special correspondent for Crime Watch Daily is to bring that same kind of attention to the stories of other victims and to help everyone realize that sexual assault, kidnapping, and abuse don’t just happen on the wrong side of the tracks; they can happen anywhere. We can’t afford to turn a blind eye to what is happening all around us. Survivors—and victims who are still struggling to survive—need hope. They need to know they are not alone.
I wouldn’t be able to do all the traveling and speaking and advocacy that I do without a rock-steady partner like Matthew. It’s hard to be gone so often, especially now that I have a beautiful little girl and am about to have another baby. I believe the work I do is important, but I’m always so glad to get home. I want to be a faithful and loving wife, a kind and patient mother, a strong advocate for victims of violent and sexual crimes, and I want to be someone whom, at the end of the day, I still like and respect. Maybe that’s my personal happily ever after: a life that combines all those things, a life filled with hope, made sweet by my husband and children, cleansed by faith, driven by purpose, fueled by a drive to see justice served, and lit up with joy in even the little things.
As I move forward in my own life dealing with love, relationships, anger, and most of all with hope, I am continually reminded that we all face challenges, big and small. Sometimes they are laughable, but many times they are much more serious. Even heartbreaking. We each have a story to tell, and my story is not finished. I will continue to have trials and ups and downs, not least of which will be coming in April with baby number two. How have women survived childbirth for so many years? How have women and men survived parenthood in general?
As I finish the final draft of this book, I’m also thinking of you, the person my editor friend calls “We the Reader.” I wonder about the circumstances that led you to this book, and I hope that in it you’ve found some answers, some help, some hope.
In the Gospel According to Matthew, Jesus gives his famous Sermon on the Mount. “Ask and it shall be given you,” he says. “Seek and ye shall find.” So I asked, and I sought, but as I upload the last of my interview files—long, thought-provoking conversations with my dad and Mandy—I’m left with another long hallway of doors to knock on. One of the many lessons I’ve learned in this process is that things aren’t always what you assume they are. When you see a small sliver of someone’s life—whether you read about someone in the paper or see them on TV or observe them through whatever filter they’re holding up—you can be sure that there’s a whole story there that you don’t know. The Scottish theologian Ian Maclaren wrote, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
Every day, I hear of or meet with people who have so much to give, so much to teach, even if it’s just the light they shine by living. I thought I would come to the end of this book and sum up all the answers I had wrangled. I certainly don’t have all the answers, and I as I grow older, I recognize the truth in that old adage “The older I get, the more I realize how little I know.” At the end of every journey, project, campaign, or trial, we can analyze our experience quite simply by asking ourselves these two questions:
What did I learn?
Was it worth it?
For me, I can honestly say I have learned so much, and yes, without a doubt, it has been worth it. God bless you in all that you currently face and all that lies before you.
Contributors
I hope you’ll be moved to learn more about the remarkable people interviewed in this book. They’re listed here in order of appearance, along with some of their books, organizations, and websites:
Ed and Lois Smart
Bringing Elizabeth Home: A Journey of Faith and Hope
The Elizabeth Smart Foundation
www.elizabethsmartfoundation.org
Ann Romney
In This Together: My Story
Ann Romney Center for Neurologic Diseases
http://give.brighamandwomens.org/stories/ann-romney-center-about
Bre Lasley
Fight Like Girls
www.fightlikegirls.org
Mary Louise Zeller
Secrets of the Fountain of Youth
www.teamusa.org/usa-taekwondo/athletes/MaryLouise-Zeller
Norma Bastidas
Running Home: A Journey to End Violence
http://mexicanrunningwild.blogspot.com
Fatima
Rebecca Covey
Bridle Up Hope: The Rachel Covey Foundation
www.bridleuphope.org
Elder Richard G. Hinkley
Diane von Furstenberg
The Woman I Wanted to Be
Diane: A Signature Life
The Diller-von Furstenberg Family Foundation
www.dvf.com/philanthropy
Mariatu Kamara
The Bite of the Mango
Lara Oles
LOPE: Lara Oles Para Equestrian
www.lope.org
Helen Golden
Angeline Jackson
Quality of Citizenship Jamaica
www.qcjm.org
Chris Williams
Let It Go: A True Story of Tragedy and Forgiveness
http://justletgomovie.com
Archbishop John C. Wester
Archdiocese of Sante Fe
www.archdiocesesantafe.org
Mike Schlappi
Shot Happens
http://mikeschlappi.com
Alec Unsicker
AJU Foundation
https://ajufoundation.com
Dr. Paul Jenkins
Pathological Positivity
http://pathologicalpositivity.com
Mandy Patinkin
www.mandypatinkin.org
Acknowledgments
I’m deeply grateful to my family: Matthew, my wonderful husband, thank you for your support and faith in me. Chloé, whether you wanted to or not, you shared your mom with this project, and James, you were born right along with this book, but I hope you both know that you have all my love every day of your lives. I’m humbly grateful to all the contributors who agreed to be interviewed for this book. You opened your hearts and allowed me to ask questions that were sometimes difficult to answer. Your generosity and courage have inspired and set an example for me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I’m blessed to work with a wonderful publishing team, beginning with the faith and advocacy of my agent, Kelly Crabb. Joni Rodgers, my stalwart Sherpa and friend throughout the writing process, helped me build the vehicle for my vision and opened my eyes to what I’m capable of on my own. With an open mind and big heart, my editor, Charles Spicer, gave me the freedom to explore this idea and stepped in with wise council when needed. He and the
team at St. Martin’s have done a beautiful job bringing it all together and guiding it into the hands of readers. Heartfelt thanks to you all.
Also by Elizabeth Smart
My Story
About the Author
Elizabeth Ann Smart is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of My Story. She first gained widespread attention at age fourteen when she was kidnapped from her home and rescued nine months later. Visit elizabethsmartfoundation.org, or sign up for email updates here.
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Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Preface
1. Hope Empowered
Mom; Ann Romney
2. Forward at All Costs—Never Retreat
Bre Lasley; Mary Louise Zeller
3. Seeing a Rush of Red
Norma Bastidas
4. Loss and Renewal
Rebecca Covey
5. The Sacredness of Faith
Fatima; Elder Richard G. Hinckley
6. Strength of Spirit
Diane von Furstenberg; Mariatu Kamara
7. Our Physical Gift
Lara Oles; Helen Golden
8. Building a Life of Love
Angeline Jackson
9. The Power to Forgive
Chris Williams; Archbishop John C. Wester
10. Something Worth Striving For
Where There's Hope Page 23