Tightening my grip on the corner of the cover, I struggled to remain calm, my eyes refusing to take in the image staring back at me.
Breathe, I reminded myself.
My eyes slowly scanned across the man on the cover, deliberately taking their time memorizing every curve, every ripple, and dimple.
My fingers lightly traced the contours of his face. His dark hair was pushed back off his forehead, teased into tussled spikes that proudly showcased his high cheekbones. His chin was dusted with facial hair giving him a rugged manly appeal. His lips were tugged back into a knowing smirk, one full of wicked promises. The same smirk he had been flashing since he was five years old.
Stormy blue eyes peered back at me, haunted with secrets. I felt myself drowning under his unseeing gaze.
He had new ink. The large intricate A over his left pectoral sent a flutter through my chest. I knew he had a similar tattoo across the expanse of his back. My eyes scanned across his bare torso, committing the clean smooth lines to memory. Flashes of black, blue and red ink winked at me. Daring my eyes to follow them down the expanse of his chest. My heart ricocheted in my chest just looking at him, like a Kaleidoscope of butterflies taking flight all at once.
“I can’t believe it.” Lisa gasped yanking the magazine away from my shaky grip. “Did you ever think Lenny would be into drugs?” Lisa whispered harshly, her eyes wide with surprise as she rapidly ripped through the pages at an alarming pace.
My stomach flipped. Bile rose at the back of my throat.
He wasn’t.
My eyes scanned the cover of the stack of magazines on the rack, searching for clues proving the magazine was lying. It couldn’t be true. Everywhere I looked the same image stared back at me, their headlines jumping from the pages in bold print, demanding attention.
“They’re lying.” My voice came out broken, just above a whisper. The world stopped spinning. A sharp pain radiated across my chest. My heart racing.
My eyes scanned across the covers, reading them over and over. The words screaming at me.
L.A. Rapper tries to end life: Drug overdose.
I couldn’t catch my breath. Tremors shook my hands.
It wasn’t true.
It couldn’t be true.
He loved life.
Ignoring the panic that had overtaken my body, Lisa continued on. “It says his girlfriend, Angela, found him lying on the bathroom floor with a needle hanging out of his arm.” She continued in a hushed whisper, her teeth gritting through the words as she read them.
“It’s not true. He wouldn’t do that.” My heart felt like it was encased in ice. I couldn’t breathe. An elephant had taken up residence, sitting on my chest.
Lisa knew better than to read the tabloid rags when Lenny was concerned.
I knew better.
It didn’t stop my heart from hammering in my chest. It didn’t stop the fear that rippled through me, shooting ice through my veins. It didn’t stop my lungs from refusing to inflate.
Lisa’s hand gripped around my bicep, grounding me, pulling me from under the boulder that threatened to consume me.
“California based rapper; Lenz was found unconscious in his Hollywood apartment. Sources close to the rapper say he was rushed to Cedars-Sinai hospital where a team of doctors worked to revive the rapper after being brought in after an apparent drug overdose. Doctor’s attempt to work through the night to save the rapper was unsuccessful.” Lisa read the article out loud. Each word threatened to drag me back under. Every syllable felt like a knife in my heart. The sharp stabbing pain in my chest was crippling.
“Put it back, Lis.” I implored through gritted teeth. I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my skull as blood rushed to my head. Lisa’s words began to sound as though they were garbled.
I felt faint.
My stomach threatened to revolt as images painted by the tabloids began to swim through my mind.
I couldn’t look at it.
I didn’t want to hear another word.
My hands gripped the grocery cart in a white-knuckled embrace. The world swam before my eyes. Sensing my distress Lisa quit reading, her arm going around my shoulders in a comforting embrace.
Carefully, Lisa put the magazine back on the rack, her eyes filled with sympathy.
“He would call you right? You guys are still close, yeah?” Concern etched on her face.
“I think I’m going to take a pass on tonight,” I replied dully, still in shock, ignoring her questions.
The truth was I didn’t know anymore. Up until this moment, I thought I knew everything about him.
Now, I felt as though I never knew him at all. Were we friends? Would he have called me? I refused to believe what they were saying was the truth.
Lisa gave me a sympathetic smile. “I’m sure he’ll call.” Her arms wrapped around me, pinning me to her chest.
“Do you want me to come home with you?” I could hear the sympathy and pity in her voice. It caused my stomach to churn.
I didn’t want her pity.
It wasn’t true.
I don’t care what the tabloids said. It was all lies.
It had to be lies.
“No.” My words were firmer than I expected. “Sorry.” I apologized immediately feeling horrible for the way I had spoken to her, my voice much softer this time, afraid I had hurt her feelings.
“Its okay, Sweetie. I understand.” Lisa gave me a reassuring hug. Her arms around me brought unshed tears to the corner of my eyes. I gave her hand a light pat, not wanting to alarm her.
I knew Lisa was as affected as I was. She and Lenny were friends as well. I knew reading the headlines had to have hurt.
“Next week, I’m not letting you get out of it. We’re having a girl’s night. We will sit back and Lenny bash. Be ready because girl’s night is going to happen.” Chuckling slightly, despite the aching in my heart, I hugged her back.
“Next week,” I promised.
Checking out of the grocery store Lisa helped me load the bags into the trunk of my car before hugging me goodbye with a promise to call later.
I needed time to think. Time to wrap my head around the allegations in the paper.
He would have called, right?
If it was a lie, he would have called and warned me. He would have let me know, warned me.
The drive home was made on autopilot. My mind racing with any scenarios. I knew the tabloids were unreliable but would they really go that far?
With the groceries tucked under my arm, I rushed into the house. As much as I denied wanting to know about the claims surrounding Lenny’s overdose, I needed to know.
I needed to know if it was true. I couldn’t breathe again until I had all the facts surrounding the allegations.
So much of my heart told me it was a lie, but a small sliver told me it could be possible. I hadn’t talked to him in a couple weeks. Anything could have happened between now and then. I didn’t even know he had new ink until I saw the picture.
I tried to search my memory for any signs I may have missed from our last conversation. He had sounded happy when we talked, as happy as he could be, given his situation. But happy nonetheless.
I tried to focus on anything that may have stood out. I knew he was having trouble. It wasn’t a secret between the two of us. But had it really got that bad?
Did that mean he was capable of doing something so rash?
“Mommy!” The excited squeal of my daughter’s voice instantly warmed my heart, chasing away the dark thoughts that threatened to consume me, even if only for a moment. I welcomed her comfort. Her bright smile driving off the demons of the night.
“Hi, Baby.” I couldn’t help but smile down at my little girl, the absolute picture of perfection. My heart splintered looking down into her angelic face. The white-hot pain returned, looking into her eyes, threatening to drag me down.
Dressed in her bright green and yellow Tinkerbell pajamas she reminded me of a tiny fairy as she danced around m
y feet in excited glee, oblivious to my internal breakdown.
Her dark ringlets sprang along her shoulders and across her forehead as she bounced on her feet. Her Dark blue eyes shined like diamonds as she beamed up at me. She was the spitting image of her father. I choked down the raw emotion threatening to crumble my resolve.
“Mommy, I have a prize for you. But it’s a secret.” Her eyes ignited, growing wide with excitement as she spoke.
“What surprise do you have for me, Avery Baby?” I choked on the words. Glancing around the living room, I sought out my mother. She always watched Avery for me on girl’s night.
I needed my mom. I needed her warm comforting embrace. I needed her soothing words to chase away the nightmare that threatened to obliterate my world.
I wasn’t going to last much longer.
I wasn’t strong enough.
Without out a beat, Avery’s tiny voice answered. “Daddy’s home.” Her small hands were spread wide beside her face, her face lit up like a Christmas tree at her admission. For the second time tonight my heart began to pound erratically in my chest.
“Daddy?” I asked, my words coming out in an exhale. My mind spun trying to make sense of her words.
“Makayla,” The groceries in my arms tumbled to the floor at the sound of his voice.
Standing in the archway to the kitchen stood my best friend, my daughter’s father, the other half of my world, Lenny Demark. The same man whose face graces the cover of magazines worldwide. The very same man that was reported to have overdosed earlier this week.
My heart held still. Blinding tears burned behind my lids. I blinked repeatedly, afraid I was seeing things. Was he really here? Was I dreaming?
Lenny leaned against the archway, his arms folded across his chest. An arrogant smirk played across his lips.
“Len?” His name was a whisper, a prayer, across my lips.
Chapter Three
Makayla
Five years ago
“You have a little drool, right there.” Lisa teasingly swiped at my chin with her thumb. Recoiling, I shot daggers at her with my eyes as I swatted her hand away. Seemingly unfazed Lisa laughed rolling her eyes.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I huffed out in annoyance. Denial was not just a river in Egypt. The struggle with my emotions was real.
“Oh please, I see the way you look at him. Best friend my ass.” She huffed out under a laugh tossing back her long auburn hair.
“Hush.” I hissed at her, my eyes scanning the crowded halls for the subject of our conversation.
He was just standing there across the hall talking to a group of guys, but I had lost him.
“If I wasn’t absolutely positive he was as interested in you as you are him, I would have asked him out myself,” Lisa smirked smugly, her school books perched on her hip.
I stared at her slack-jawed. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. We’re just friends.” I admonished, surprised at her boldness.
I thought I had hidden it. Was I really that transparent? Who else knew I was in love with my Best Friend?
“Who’s just friends?” I jumped at the sound of his voice. A tinny squeak escaped my lips. Lenny Demark, the hottest guy I had ever met, and my best friend, asked stepping up beside me.
I tried not to swoon as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder, tugging me in against his side.
My heart thudded in my chest at the close proximity. My legs felt like jelly as I leaned in against him, savoring the warmth of his body against mine.
His strong arm around me was the only thing holding me up, stopping me from crumbling to the floor.
Reflexively I rested my head against his chest, burrowing into him as I inhaled his delicious scent, warm cedar, musk, and a heady mixture that was just him.
He smelled like home.
With one hand wrapped around his waist and the other resting over his beating heart, I closed my eyes, savoring the moment, willing my fluttering heartbeat not to give away how he made me feel.
When had my best friend become so hot?
I couldn’t tell you the exact moment my feelings changed from friendship to that of lust, but it happened. He had always been Lenny, my best friend, and then one day he became Lenny, the guy who made my little heart pitter patter in my chest, the guy who made my knees weak and stole my breath.
Lenny gave my hair a sharp tug, drawing my face up to his. “Who’s just friends?” A small wrinkle appeared across his forehead as his brows pinched together in question.
Looking into his deep blue sapphire eyes the world melted away. His eyes shone with mirth, the corner of his mouth tugging up at the side as he stared down at me with such warmth. I felt my insides turn to goo. He was so beautiful, so perfect.
I eyes scanned his face, drinking in his rugged handsome appearance. I could never tire of looking at him. His high sculpted cheekbones, the deep dimples in his cheeks that begged to be licked, and the slight cleft in his chin, all of it- perfection.
Narrowing my sight to his lips, my tongue swept out across my own.
I felt myself rising, my body lifting of its own accord, toward his. Our lips just a breath apart. My body felt like a live wire, wrapped in his arms. Energy radiated through me. Electricity crackled along my skin. My heart hammered out a staccato rhythm in my chest.
“Who’s just friends?” He asked again. This time much softer, as his lips brushed against mine.
A whisper of a kiss.
I moaned softly.
My eyes fluttered up to his.
My breath caught in my chest as I gasped. His eyes were filled with heat, so hot I felt my body scorching, flames licking up my spine, threatening to consume me. It felt like my heart was going to explode inside my chest.
The loud ringing of the school bell shattered the spell, splintering the bubble of rightness we found ourselves in.
“We’re not just friends.” His lips crashed down against mine before I had time to process his words.
Lenny Demark stole my breath and my heart in that kiss.
He wasn’t playing fair.
He was playing for keeps.
From that moment on, Lenny Demark held my heart in its entirety.
Chapter Four
Lenny
She looked as though she had seen a ghost.
“Len?” My name on her lips sent my heart pounding in my chest.
I watched as she scrambled to make sense of my unexpected appearance in her house. Our house.
Shock and confusion flashed across her face, marring her porcelain skin with fine lines.
Her perfectly arched brows narrowed over her deep chocolate eyes, begged for understanding. I watched as her chest rose and fell, her tight breast straining against the tight material of her thin cotton t-shirt as she struggled to steady her breathing. I knew then that she had seen the papers.
Her glassy eyes blinked furiously as though she were having trouble focusing. Fresh produce littered around her feet. A jar of salsa lay on its side, resting against the heel of her boot.
I had hoped to get to her before things spiraled out of control, before Angela had the chance to fully destroy my life. I had failed. The evidence of my failure stood before me.
It pained me to not call Makayla, to warn her about the path of destruction heading my way. I reasoned with myself that she would understand, that I could get ahead of the storm before it hit.
The look in her eyes told me I had been wrong. So wrong. I watched helplessly as she struggled to make sense of the scene before her - me in her house. Our house.
Depending on the source of the information, I was said to be either dead, in rehab, or in the hospital recovering from an overdose. None of it true.
My shoulders, heavy with weight, plummeted in defeat at her pained expression. Our eyes were locked, neither of us willing to look away.
“Baby, go brush your teeth and get ready for bed.” Makayla’s voice cracked as she struggled to remain in con
trol of her emotions, her eyes never once leaving mine.
“But mommy, I want to spend time with Daddy.” Breaking my gaze away from Makayla, my eyes landed on Avery.
My heart ached for my little girl. It wasn’t often I was able to come home for a visit.
It destroyed me to see my little girl so afraid of taking her eyes off me if only for a minute. Her fear that I may disappear before she returned ripped my heart to shreds. I never wanted this for her. I never wanted my daughter to feel so torn, fear of missing me left shadows of worry across her bright blue eyes. Worry no three year old should ever have to feel. I never wanted this. I never wanted to hurt her. Either of them.
Avery was our baby, our little secret. A secret held by only our closest friends and family. A secret held so tightly that it kept me from being the father I wanted to be. The father Avery deserved.
“Don’t worry, Daddy will still be here when you finish,” Makayla assured her, giving me a pleading look, begging me with her eyes to stay, if only for our daughter’s sense of comfort.
That look alone was enough to nearly bring me to my knees. The fact that she even had to question it was enough to nearly splinter me into pieces. Fragments of my heart lay scattered across the living room floor.
“Daddy won’t be going anywhere, Pumpkin. Now do as your Mommy says. You don’t want swamp breath, do you?” Making a silly face, I sent Avery into a fit of giggles, beguiling my inner heartbreak.
My beautiful little girl bound over to me, wrapping her tiny arms around my legs in a firm embrace. I felt my heart freeze in my chest, the air in the room thinned as I struggled to pull in enough oxygen.
My hands clenched and unclenched at my sides, a fierce aching in my heart begged me to wrap my little girl in my arms and never let her go. I knew in doing so I would only frighten her. My emotional turmoil was too much for a three-year-old little girl to understand.
Unable to keep from touching her, I stroked her hair, petting away her fears and mine. I fought against my need to wrap her in my arms and promise her I would never leave her again.
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